


He Knows He Needs to Stop

by Perry_Downing



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Ben Solo Pain Train, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Inappropriate Use of the Force, Mention Of Dub-Con, Pining, Redemption, Resolved Sexual Tension, Romance, Save Ben Solo, Slow Burn, Unresolved Sexual Tension, We aren't crazy, Why Does Everyone Want to Go Back to Jakku?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-05-23 01:08:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 44
Words: 140,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6099895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Perry_Downing/pseuds/Perry_Downing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She is tinkering with droids again.</p>
<p>He feels her elation as she finds the right point on the circuit, watches the droid whir to life, bleeping its gratitude. She has a whole little family of them now. Droids with loyalty so fierce he wonders if all creatures sentient – and not – are bound to worship her. He is losing himself in her and he knows he needs to stop.</p>
<p>Kylo Ren is Bound to Rey and hides from her, never revealing himself, quietly driving himself mad with her light.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been an avid fic reader for almost ten years and this is my first stab at writing my own. Not mine, no money. 
> 
> A special thanks to Juulna/Meaghan for being my beta and just an all around awesome person. She was my first Reylo friend and she's da bomb.
> 
> And now, on to torturing Kylo Ren because it's ridiculously fun to do so.

She is tinkering with droids again.

He feels her elation as she finds the right point on the circuit, watches the droid whir to life, bleeping its gratitude. She has a whole little family of them now. Droids with loyalty so fierce he wonders if all creatures sentient – and not – are bound to worship her. He is losing himself in her and he knows he needs to stop.

She is in the rain again.

He can feel the moisture moving down his face in rivulets as she holds herself open to the magic of water falling from the sky. She turns towards the darkening sky and grins like the wild thing she is. Reveling in the absolute miracle of a storm that brings life, not death. No huddling in her AT-AT, waiting for the scouring sands to pass, hunger hollowing her out. Choking on loneliness, gagging on her loss. But in the rain she feels held, filled, surrounded. The cool water that never leaves for long. He is basking in her and he knows he needs to stop.

She is enjoying _him_ again.

_His_ warm laugh dances up her spine, _his_ dark eyes hold hers a beat too long. She doesn’t even understand what any of it means. She is a creature of loss and loneliness; she doesn’t have the space for this in her mind, in her life. Oh but _he_ does, raised amongst hundreds of anonymous children. Even then, human connection will not be denied. Unless you are adrift on an ocean of sand and need.  And how _he_ understands that need. Kylo Ren understands it, too. He is being rent in two by jealous fury and he knows he needs to stop.

\---

At first it was a flutter, fingers drawing through silk, wind on the back of his neck. So subtle as to be dismissed, ignored, forgotten. But the Force was not something you ignore and this feeling whispered in his bones. And yet he didn’t focus on it, didn’t follow it, didn’t pursue it. The gentle warmth was too delicious, too forbidden to be examined. So he let it settle in his veins until it was wrapped around his lungs, burrowed in his spine, and his heart – oh, his heart. He wonders now if he’d known then what Rey would do to him, would he have rooted her out, killed this blissful connection like he’d killed so many beautiful things?

Walking the decks of the _Finalizer_ , flagship of the bloodied—but not beaten—First Order should bring him peace, should make him feel in control, should give him the satisfaction of the tang of their fear as his strides eat through the corridors. But he barely notices the shifting tides of entombed Stormtroopers and skittish officers. She, she, _she_ is beating in time with his pulse, shadows his consciousness, wrapped and kept sacred. She is bleeding into everything, her blazing hazel eyes sear him through the halls of memory.

“Ren.”

Oh, Force, she is laughing. He hates it when she laughs, craves it when she laughs, is brought low when she laughs. She has him on his knees and doesn’t even know he is there.

“Ren!” Impatient, now. Ginger irritant.

“Ren, you are disrupting my officers. What brings you to the bridge?” General Hux says with contempt, not attempting to conceal his genuine frustration with the mercurial Knight.

Kylo Ren pauses, because he truly has no idea why he is there. His thick boots had simply brought him here as he stalked the halls, concentrating on ridding himself of her. _Focusing intently on her._

“I do not recall needing a reason to inspect my ship.”

“ _Your_ ship!” Hux sputters in fury. His face takes on the look of having tasted something foul. The red lights of the delicate machinery glint in his always perfectly combed hair.

“Our ship, then,” the looming black figure concedes. “The fact remains I’ve no need to explain my presence here. Perhaps I simply wanted to ensure… order.” He tilts his head to the side, his black helmet sucks in all the light, thin bands of silver showing the contrast thoroughly. He is dark as pitch but you would always see him just before you saw nothing at all.

“I assure you that everything is, as ever, perfectly _in order_.”

“Hmm,” is all Ren says.

A lilting peal of laughter rings through his head – please let her not be with _him_. He simply can’t take it. He looks to the left of Hux’s head, intent on her, sensing her, he searches for more, more, always more. Ah. The droid. That orange sphere of frustration that had brought him to her. Better than the Traitor, he supposes. It offers up a bloom with its strange arm-like apparatus. He is instantly alert. This is a gift, a token, he sneers to himself. From wh-

“Ren if you insist on being in the middle of everything, could you perhaps menace another part of the bridge?” Hux has grown rather more arrogant since saving him on _Starkiller_. It is only Ren’s new… preoccupation that saves the console in front of him and the officer manning it. He turns his back on the bridge and continues his frenzied pace off the bridge, away from Hux. He needs to be able to concentrate. As long as she does not feel him she cannot block him and that… _that_ is imperative.

Now, about the Traitor and his _gifts.._. She giggles softly, smiles down at the little droid. “Where did this come from? Oh, I see, another big secret, classified.” His eyes strain to keep from rolling, a strangled grunt of disgust escapes his control. Marvelous, must he contend with every man on that forsaken base courting her? His his _his_. It doesn't matter that she has no way of knowing. She should know, should feel … Did their time together mean nothing to her? Did she have no proper feelings at all? His anguish masquerades as rage and he feels his control slipping. But no, it won’t do for her to sense him after all this time; to cut him off from his supply. He wonders, idly, when this would cease to be enough. When the shiver of her sighs and the lava of her light will eat away the last of his reason and lead him straight into madness. Break down the walls he so carefully crafts to keep Supreme Leader out, to protect this shameful, terribly essential secret. He wonders when he will break, driven demented by his need; his awful, mewling, gasping need.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She is dreaming again.
> 
> Her dreams tear at him. She is always so very alone in the small hours of the night. Abandonment riding each wave; neglect a feelings she craves – for at least it would mean someone is there. She is trudging along the crest of a dune, staff in hand and nothing ahead of or behind her. An endless expanse of nothing; the emptiness inside her writ large in golden sand and stark blue, cloudless sky. The monotony of her existence. He longs to enter her dream, to take her hand, hold her close, and banish the loneliness with his powerful frame. He wants to stand between her and the world and she will never feel like this again. He is lying to himself and he know he needs to stop.

She is dreaming again.

Her dreams tear at him. She is always so very alone in the small hours of the night. Abandonment riding each wave; neglect a feelings she craves – for at least it would mean _someone_  is there. She is trudging along the crest of a dune, staff in hand and nothing ahead of or behind her. An endless expanse of nothing; the emptiness inside her writ large in golden sand and stark blue, cloudless sky. The monotony of her existence. He longs to enter her dream, to take her hand, hold her close, and banish the loneliness with his powerful frame. He wants to stand between her and the world and she will never feel like this again. He is lying to himself and he know he needs to stop.

As if she will ever accept him, ever take _comfort_ in him. _You’re a monster…_ But tonight, logic did nothing to assuage his desperation, his desire to hold his scavenger girl against him, chase her demons and keep her near. Always. She is only ever a heartbeat away. She will never be alone again, so long as he draws breath. She will have him in her head, silently hearing and seeing, feeling and _wanting_. He thinks she might sense the shift sometimes. Her nightmares have gradually given way to unsettling dreams, and she wakes crying only a handful of times now. Perhaps her dreams will become joyful, as she grows accustomed to his constancy?

It is as if she feels his ceaseless presence on some instinctual level. For months now he has hidden their connection. She believes this subtle shift in her consciousness is due to the awakened Force running through her bloodstream, lighting up her mind. She knows nothing of Force Bonds so she does not know the signs; she doesn’t even know enough to ask questions about it. She is so naïve, his perfect, lost girl. And so he painstakingly hides, listens, accepts, luxuriates in everything she thoughtlessly broadcasts. He never probes though, even when his jealous terror bids him discover her feelings for the Traitor. Even then he controls himself. He thinks he might find it amusing if she hadn’t so unmanned him. He has finally found the control he so desperately sought, only to have the path he’d set himself upon grow murky and confusing. Has he always been one step away from destruction, never seeing it? He’d had nothing to lose before, he supposes.

The dream is shifting now, the dunes parting to reveal the sea. He feels her elation as she runs to the shore. She stands there, waiting for the surf to tickle her toes. Little waves lap at her delicate bare feet and he is mesmerized. She reaches up and begins to unbuckle her belt, and suddenly Kylo forgets how to breathe. She undresses quickly, nearly naked now. He knows he needs to remove himself, knows that she would never want him to share this vulnerable moment. He knows he has to leave immediately. But he is transfixed as she strips off the last of her gray clothing. Before he can process what he is seeing, she dives into the ocean and his heart begins beating again. Stars, she is the most lovely creature he’s ever seen. She is gliding through the water, her hair streaming behind her. He watches her as she lets the surf carry her, floating on her back, her perfect breasts peeking out of the water, the sun glinting off of her soft, wet skin. And still he can't leave.

He is in his rooms, having seated himself on the large reading chair in the corner. He has one long leg slung over the low armrest and his head flung back, staring unseeingly at the ceiling. He should go train, go eat, hell, go torment Hux – anything but watch her naked form. This will change him… _is_ changing him. Until now he could pretend it was her light that fascinates him. Never mind the aggressive envy that thrums through him when the Traitor is near. That is simply because Rey is _his_. His to treasure, his to need, his to teach, his to protect. He can tell himself it wasn’t… _this._

He furiously shifts in his chair and leans forward, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He begins to beat his forehead with his fists and groans in torment. He wants to scream. He rubs his eyes so as to drown out the image of her nudity. He is never going to escape this now. He’s tried so hard not to give into her, not to take himself in hand and think of her, not to imagine her small, clever hands in place of his. She was purity; he can’t, won't  _sully_ her. But now it is done, and there will be no relief. He can’t deny this any longer. He craves her, all of her. He wants to limn her entire body with his large, fine hands. Lust… He laughs bleakly, brimming with self-loathing. Lust is too base for what this is. What is he going to do?

He knows it is only a matter of time before Supreme Leader notices the change in him. His unpredictable, destructive moods have provided cover thus far. But it is months after _Starkiller_ and Ren is still keeping to his rooms, pulled away from rebuilding… he rarely takes note of anything but Her. This is beyond obsession; he is subsumed. Missions are rote, nothing precisely wrong with his conduct, but lacking his customary ferocity. He constantly finds himself wondering how Rey would handle the situation at hand. Will she hate him more? Will she understand duty, and orders, and chain of command? Or will she just look at him the way she had in the snowy woods, as though he was beneath her contempt?

Something is wrong. Her dream is changing. She is frightened. He snaps his full attention to the dream. She is dressed again, running along the dunes, trying to get away from a figure in shadow. She is running back into the dunes and the sea quickly disappears. Her eyes are terribly huge and full of fear. Kylo wants to step from the sands and sweep her up into his arms; he wants to impale this apparition that frightens her so. But he can't. He must stay hidden. He must stay in control. Even if he has to fight himself forever, he will, because he cannot lose his light.

As Kylo watches, the vague figure resolves into a large man wearing the colorless rags of a Jakku scavenger. The man’s face is twisted with an ugly expression of dominance. He wants something from her. Rey looks behind her and screams.

“You won’t put your hands on me – not again, not _ever_ again.” She flings the words at the man while running away. Rey looks terrified, but determined. Kylo’s thoughts come to an abrupt halt, he attempts to comprehend what she has said. She can’t have meant… she _can’t_. If someone had hurt her, hurt her like _that_ … It was not possible. He refuses to believe it. What will he do to that man if he had stolen such a thing from her? Kylo Ren feels bile rise in the back of his throat as a wave of nausea tears through him.

Kylo Ren thought he had known pulsing rage before, thought he had felt the depth and breadth of his anger, thought he knew every corner of his fury. The intensity of his murderous thoughts crashes through him and he is on his feet, saber extended, teeth bared. It is only her scrambling, fear-fueled stumbling that keeps her from noticing him in that moment. A dream, Ren tells himself, only a dream. She is in no real danger. He doesn't even know what had happened to her – if anything even _had_ happened to her – or if she is just dreaming something horrible. He breathes in deeply and lets it out slowly, calming himself.

She trips and falls, shortening the distance between them. He is nearly there; nearly upon her. She tries to get away, tries to scramble back as the man grabs her ankle, pulling her to him with one brutal tug. Her small frame is dragged across the sand as she kicks and screams, swearing in a dozen different dialects.

Kylo is frozen, standing in his chambers, her fear tearing through their bond, making him desperate. It doesn't seem to matter to his heart that she is in no real danger; it seems to beat out of his chest. The man has her now. She fights. She fights hard with fists and knees and teeth but she is small and unarmed. Kylo wonders why she doesn't use the Force. Then he knows. This had happened, this is a memory relived as a nightmare. This had happened before she knew of her gifts. A sickening thought settles in his gut. How old had she been? He knows Rey, knows her as thoroughly as she knows herself and she never goes anywhere without her staff. When had that started?

She is crying now, losing her ability to fight as exhaustion takes hold. Kylo Ren has never felt more powerless in his life. Then he sees the man’s fist crash down on her face and suddenly the brute finds himself ripped from Rey, sailing back and disappearing into the dunes. Rey looks up at Kylo with absolute shock.

“Wh-what are you doing here?” She asks with narrowed eyes and hitched breathing. “Why would _you_ help _me_?” Her tone is full of apprehension and anger.

“Contrary to what you _think_ you know about me I do not stand by while a woman is being assaulted. _Any_ woman.” His fists clench and unclench and the bottom falls out of his stomach as he realizes what he has done. The Bond, he’s revealed the Bond! He is losing her right now, this very minute. This is the moment when she will realize his presence and shut him out forever. He isn’t ready, he will never be ready. Instead, however, she looks at him with those all-knowing eyes and speaks.

“Why are you here?” She doesn't seem like she is about to strike out at him with fists and fury.

“It’s your dream. I couldn’t possibly speculate.” He hopes against hope that she will think this isn’t real.

She is still sprawled on the sand where that horrible man had attacked her. She is propped back on her elbows, her knees drawn to her. She is tense and wary. It hurts him to see her so frightened of him. He kneels beside her, one hand out in supplication.

“How old were you when this happened?” He keeps his voice gentle, his body language calm. She pulls herself into a seated position, her arms around her legs.

“I was 13 when Adric Poln nearly beat me to death,” she says with no inflection. A strange mixture of emotions flood Kylo then, profound relief and a vengeful savagery primary amongst them.

“He didn’t…” Her eyes move to his sharply.

“No. No, Unkar Plutt made it very clear that I wasn’t to be touched _that_ way,” she says disgustedly.

“I see. So he protected you, this Plutt? Kept you safe?” He queries hopefully. Perhaps someone had cared for her, perhaps it isn’t as bleak as he’s supposed.

“Oh no, Plutt was in it for Plutt. He may have kept the worst of the scum away from me, but only because he didn’t want me _spoiled_.” She says the last with great distaste. “You don’t cross Plutt, that’s an easy way to end up a bag of bones in the sand fields, dead of starvation.” She continues to explain the unsavory man.

“Then he never – never tried…” He trails off, not sure how to voice his fears.

“He never got very far. Why do you even care? You tried to kill me, remember?”

“I never tried to kill you, little scavenger. It was you who tried to kill me.” He gestures to the long scar that bisects his odd face. “Let us say that your wellbeing is important to me. You still need a teacher.”

She scoffs at that, but looks at him with curiosity. “I have a teacher.”

“One you rarely see.” He needs to stop this. He should leave; he knows he should leave. This is dangerous, but oh so tempting. It is indescribable to actually speak with her after months of existing at the edges. To have her attention is beyond any pleasure he’s known.

“Master Luke has duties. His sister…”

“I would never ignore you like he does. You would be my first priority… my only priority.” He says this with frightening intensity and Rey’s eyes widen. She looks away, afraid, but something in her stirs.

“How do you know all this anyway?”

“I’m your dream, remember? I know what you know.” It is a gambit, he knows, but so far it seems to be working. 

“Well in that case, figment, I’m ready for a rematch.” She takes a long pull from a canteen that came from wherever things come from in dreams. She is always so ready for violence.

“I’ve no wish to fight you, Rey.” His tone is soft, sad.

“Then why are you here? That’s what we do. Fight.” She is getting fed up with his perplexing behavior. He closes his eyes at her words.

“I simply did not wish you to be hurt.” He needs to think, needs to understand what is happening. The longer he stays, the more likely he will say something to give himself away.  “I’ll go now, shall I?” 

“Suit yourself. But we _will_ meet again. Just because you saved me doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to die for what you did to Han Solo. Your father. Your mother still cries herself to sleep every night, you know. The droids talk.” She says it calmly, as if isn't a knife to his belly. Stab. Oh father. Twist. Oh mother. 

He has to leave. _Now_. He turns on his heel and trudges up the dune and pulls himself back from the Bond. 

He opens his eyes and finds himself on the floor of his bedroom, the unpleasant feeling of adrenaline coursing out of his system. He listens for Rey, hoping to see how she is reacting to his asinine, stupid, reckless behavior. She is sitting on the crest of a dune, watching the sun set. It is actually quite beautiful. She seems utterly untouched by the entire debacle. Kylo doesn't know what to think, or how to feel; too much has happened tonight. He’d spoken with her. He’d actually conversed with her, those intelligent hazel eyes boring into him. It was heady, intoxicating. It made him want, it made him need. He knows he is dancing on the knife edge of madness. Knows he is so far gone that he isn't really even there anymore. He is just a mashed up, broken, badly made doll. He is so tired of feeling like none of his pieces fit together. _Your mother still cries herself to sleep every night_ echoes in his head.

He picks himself off the floor and goes to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Juulna/Meaghan M for her fantastic beta work. This girl knows her punctuation, let me tell you!
> 
> Also thank you to Mr. Downing, who reads this when it's in a state of undress and helps me not sound like I'm in middle school. Having your husband read your smut is a singular experience (and no, it's not for a few chapters yet).
> 
> Reading your comments was wonderful and extremely rewarding. Please share your thoughts again, they're very helpful.
> 
> Not mine, no money.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She is thinking of him again.
> 
>  
> 
> This is always the most beautiful of torments, when her thoughts stray to understanding him, his horrific actions, and his compelling eyes. She is confused by him. At first he thought she might be as drawn to him as he is to her, but no. She is simply trying to make the pieces fit. And, Force knows, that will never happen. He’d never been able to figure himself out – how could she ever puzzle out the contradictions of his soul? But what a feeling it is, to have her thoughts trained on him. He shudders with suppressed desire. Today she is thinking of her dreams. He is consumed by her and he knows he needs to stop.

She is thinking of him again.

 

This is always the most beautiful of torments, when her thoughts stray to understanding him, his horrific actions, and his compelling eyes. She is confused by him. At first he thought she might be as drawn to him as he is to her, but no. She is simply trying to make the pieces fit. And, Force knows, that will never happen. He’d never been able to figure himself out – how could she ever puzzle out the contradictions of his soul? But what a feeling it is, to have her thoughts trained on him. He shudders with suppressed desire. Today she is thinking of her dreams. He is consumed by her and he knows he needs to stop.

 

“Why would I dream of him, of Kylo Ren?” She says to her flurry of droids. Little beeps of concern and confusion are their only responses.

 

“He saved me. He didn’t want to hurt me. Why would I dream that? What does it mean?” She is frustrated; she hates when things don't fit. In her world you find the problem and the machine is fixed. Easy, uncomplicated. She is working on some part of the _Falcon_. Ren has never understood any of it. She huffs and throws aside the wrench she is holding. “It doesn’t make any sense. I should dream of fighting him and bringing him to justice. Or even a nightmare of being back in that horrible chair. But he saved me, and he was almost kind. I can’t figure it out.” She is unsettled by her dream. She has no place to put it.

\---

Kylo Ren is staring out the starport, watching the blue light of hyperspace slide by, flickering and reflecting off his helmet. He is relieved that she has accepted his presence as simply as she had. Concerned, of course, that she is so fixated on the dream, but pleased as well. He tries not to hope, tries to remember that this is all he will ever have of her. Tries to accept that he isn't worthy of even a fraction of her lovely, gentle light. But that doesn't stop him from wondering; from fantasizing. Sometimes he will even plot ways to bring her to him. He always knows where she is. A simple matter of organizing a strike with Phasma and she’d be in his clutches… but never his. She’d hate him even more than she already did. He doesn't want her like that.

 

And, of course, there is the matter of the Supreme Leader. He will not simply let Kylo Ren keep her. He will demand that she be brought before him. Kylo knows what that means and he’d kill her himself before he let her be tainted, broken, extinguished. His little scavenger has done what his uncle and family never could. He’s been well and truly pulled into the light now. There is no more pleasure in the power of the darkness. It is as if someone had shifted the poles and North was now South. His power still comes to him, he still dwells in the darkness, but her reflected light has him utterly in its grasp.

 

The _Traitor_. Ren is entirely focused on her now.

 

“Hey there, you look a little tired, did you sleep?” _He_ asks.

 

“Just some strange dreams; nothing I can’t handle.” She responds brightly. Kylo feels the trepidation under her words.

 

“Well, Poe and some of the other guys thought it was time for us to unwind a little. There hasn’t been a good party since _Starkiller_ and Jeren’s got a cousin in the kitchens who’s built herself a still. What do you say? You up for it? Just a few of us, I promise.” His tone is pleading and nervous. Damn it. He is asking _his_ Rey on a date – a stars be damned date. Kylo focuses on keeping himself hidden in the Bond.

 

“Uhm, I don’t know, I have a lot of work on the _Falc-_ ”

 

“You always have a lot of work on the _Falcon_ ,” he interrupts good-naturedly.

 

“I’ll think about it, how’s that?” She equivocates. This sort of attention makes her nervous. She knows there’s more going on than she understands; that her going with Finn would mean something. She just doesn’t know if she wants things to change.

 

 _Good_ , Kylo thinks. He’d prefer the Traitor be gone entirely, but so long as FN-2187 is her _friend,_ Kylo can keep his jealousy in check.

 

“Sure, I hope you come. I think we’d have fun. We haven’t done much together lately.” Kylo again wonders how his having taken up permanent residence in Rey’s mind is affecting her. Does she sense his anger, does it influence her? Could she ever-

 

His comm link chirps insistently. “Sir, the Supreme Leader requests your presence.” An officer he’s never bothered to get to know interrupts his train of thought. He breathes in sharply. He’s out of her head so quickly it’s a shock to his system, the coldness of her absence. He stands straighter, preparing himself.

\---

 

“Kylo Ren.” Supreme Leader Snoke looks down upon the Master of the Knights of Ren. The cavernous room stretches out around them, Snoke’s hologram giant and otherworldly. Snoke is light years away but his presence fills the entire space until there is no room for anything but his will.

 

“Master,” Ren acknowledges. He goes down on one knee, head bent in subservience.

 

“You have been… preoccupied as of late. What has my apprentice so distracted?” Ren thinks Snoke must already know. He never asks a question unless he knows the answer.

 

It has come. He’d known it would; he is too changed, too gorged on her light to hide it. Best to lie with the truth, then.

 

“The scavenger from Jakku. She bested me, took what should have been my day of triumph over Han Solo and stole it from me.”

 

“Such petty thoughts you allow to consume you. What will you do about it?” Snoke’s voice is oddly high and melodious in the massive chamber.

 

“Supreme Leader?” Kylo asks uncertainly.

 

“Find her. Gut her. Take back what is yours. Show me an untrained desert rat cannot defeat my First Knight,” Snoke says with pleasant menace. “You will find her. Don’t come back until you’ve mastered yourself once again. I’ve no use or patience for this shade you’ve become.”

 

Kylo Ren bows hurriedly, his thoughts a roiling mass of confusion and contradiction. Kill her? He can't possibly… He can only buy time now; time and space to think this through, to find a way out.

 

\---

 

Jakku. He will go to Jakku. One must always start at the beginning of the tale, yes? He’ll find out what her life was like; it would make sense to anyone watching him from afar. It is only logical to understand one’s quarry. Besides, he would like to look on her home with his own eyes; stand in the skeleton of her AT-AT; feel her sand under his feet. He’s been there, of course, but not to _her_ Jakku.

 

Decision made, it is time to make preparations. He had best inform Hux, as amusing as it would be to simply disappear. He makes his way to the bridge, her thoughts flowing over him gently.

 

“Hux.” His voice is low and vaguely threatening.

 

“What can we do for you now, Ren?”

 

“I will be departing shortly on a mission. I am taking my shuttle; no crew necessary,” Kylo Ren says with efficiency.

 

“And in your absence will one of your… compatriots be gracing us with his presence?” Hux clearly does not want yet another Knight of Ren scurrying about his ship, causing all sorts of unknown mayhem.

 

“Supreme Leader will determine that.”

 

“And what is so urgent that you must leave us for an unknown period of time?” Hux doesn't like him much, but better the Ren you know. He is accustomed to Kylo Ren’s moods and tantrums. He can manage them rather nicely, he thinks.

 

“I’m not certain it is any of your concern.” Ren pauses, and then realized it might be better for him to assuage the other man’s curiosity lest the General get some idea about tracking him. “However… I am to apprehend the scavenger girl; the one from _Starkiller_.”

 

Hux steps back in surprise. “The girl? Why in all the galaxy would you wish to drag her back? We know the Jedi, Skywalker, has already moved on. The map is of no use to us now.”

 

“Supreme Leader wishes it.” That is all Kylo Ren has to say on the subject. He turns on his heel and makes his way to the hangar bay. There is nothing left to do here. Four days in hyper-space with nothing to do but float in Rey. He can't leave fast enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Juulna/Meaghan M! Couldn't do this without you!
> 
> And thank you Mr. Downing, who read all of Ohtze's Death and the Maiden meta because I asked him nicely.
> 
> Not mine. No money.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She is with the Traitor and the Pilot.
> 
> Kylo hides in his quarters on his shuttle, knowing this night will be full of gut wrenching fury and helpless longing. She has decided to go with FN-2187 to this … gathering. She’s even taken her hair down; he can feel it brush along her shoulders and back. He desperately wants to run his fingers through her chestnut tresses, feel the silk with his long fingers. Would it feel as soft as her sighs feel against his mind? He is besotted with her and he knows he needs to stop.

She is with the Traitor and the Pilot.

 

Kylo hides in his quarters on his shuttle, knowing this night will be full of gut wrenching fury and helpless longing. She has decided to go with FN-2187 to this … gathering. She’s even taken her hair down; he can feel it brush along her shoulders and back. He desperately wants to run his fingers through her chestnut tresses, feel the silk with his long fingers. Would it feel as soft as her sighs feel against his mind? He is besotted with her and he knows he needs to stop.

 

“Finn, Rey, you made it!” The Pilot hugs them both enthusiastically. “Our boy here finally convinced you to go out with him, huh?” He elbows the Traitor and smiles. Well, leers, really.

 

“Oh, uhm, yeah she came out with us,” the Traitor stammers. Kylo Ren smirks in satisfaction. Perhaps he has nothing to worry about from this _boy_. He feels Rey’s confusion; that sense she has that she’s missing something important when it comes to her friend Finn.

 

“Here, try some of this.” The Pilot offers her a glass filled with an evil-looking liquid. “You’ll really feel it so go slow.” The Pilot hands around drinks. Rey sips hers cautiously, but the Traitor takes a tremendous gulp, then proceeds to gasp out in shock. “I did warn you, buddy,” Says the cocky idiot. Wonderful, now they’re getting his beautiful girl drunk. He thinks that perhaps he should retreat from her mind for the night. This is torture. But he knows he won’t; he has to _know_.

 

For some time it’s not too bad. She talks ships with the pilots, shop with the other mechanics, and even a bit about esoteric myths of the Jedis of old with a new recruit from the Outer Rim. Ren is lulled by the quiet buzz of the party, plus Rey is slightly drunk and her thoughts take on a fuzzy, euphoric quality. Someone puts on some music with a lazy beat and some sort of deep string instrument. She sways to the rhythm.

 

“So, little _Rey_ of Sunshine!” Poe starts. Rey rolls her eyes.

 

“That’s very original of you. I’ve actually never heard that one before,” She chides kindly.

 

“Well, darlin’ if the shoe fits, you are our Rey of Sunshine, whether you like it or not. You’re certainly _his_ , if you catch my meaning,” He says gesturing to Finn. Rey frowns.

 

“I… I actually don’t. What do you mean exactly?” She’s never seen a reason to hide ignorance; it’s the only way to stop being ignorant. No one will teach you if you don’t ask.

 

“Well, uh, hmm. This is going against the code in so many ways … “ He mumbles half to himself. Kylo snorts derisively. His lovely girl is too good for the lot of them.

 

“Look, Finn likes you. And I don’t mean as a friend, I mean he likes you in a more, uh, primal? Nah, let’s say romantic, yeah… romantic capacity. This can’t be a surprise to you.” She looks stunned, however. She’s thinking that she had her suspicions, but now that she knows … What is she going to do? She loves Finn, she really does. But could it be like that? Could she share with him her body, the way she sometimes saw women do at Niima for extra portions? Kylo hears the flavor of her thoughts and is ashamed by how his body reacts to her carnal thoughts – even while his heart is breaking because she’s not thinking about him. Madness is stalking him tonight.

 

“Hey, there you are.” The Traitor has returned. “Poe, I’m going to borrow her, okay?”

Then Finn takes her hand and she lets him; finds she likes the warmth. He leads her outside, away from everyone. “Remember when we first met?” Finn says earnestly, entreating her to feel what he feels. Kylo snarls and starts to pace.

 

“Of course I do; how could I forget? You … you rescued me, Finn,” she says with painful sincerity. Kylo aches.

 

“No, no, you rescued me!” He says with laughter in his eyes.

 

“We rescued each other, but I didn’t mean who got us off Jakku. I meant on _Starkiller_. When you came back. No one has ever come back for me.” There’s such wistful sadness in her voice that Kylo wants to pull his scavenger girl to him, run his hands along her sides, croon that he will always come back for her, never leave her in the first place, always keep her safe and close.… Kylo leans his forehead against the bulkhead. His eyes sting with powerlessness.

 

“I’ll always come back for you,” the Traitor responds. Kylo’s fist crashes into the durasteel. “Don’t you know how I feel about you?” Kylo is rigid with fury.

 

“I’m … I’m not sure what you mean, Finn,” Rey says with caution and kindness in her tone. She looks at him with welcome in her eyes. She needs to understand what’s happening between them.

 

“I’ve never known anyone like you; never felt like this.”

 

“Like what?” Her eyes are brown in the starlight.

 

“Like this,” Finn whispers and takes her face in his hands, drawing his thumbs along her cheeks. Kylo rocks in anguish. Finn leans down and kisses her softly; just a whisper, really. She shivers at the little shock of pleasure she feels when his lips touch hers. He kisses her again, deeper this time, pulling her lower lip between his. He cards one hand through her hair and pulls her to him with the other arm. She likes it, this feeling Finn is brewing in her.

 

Kylo is pounding his fists into the wall, knuckles split, leaving bloody fist prints behind. He howls. Angry tears gather at the corner of his eyes. This can’t be happening. He can’t, he can’t, he _can’t_. It hurts too much and his breath is coming in quick gasps as his heart starts pounding and he grabs his head and _screams_.

 

She gasps in Finn’s arms and feels like something is terribly amiss. She doesn’t want to hurt Finn, but she just knows that something is awfully, utterly wrong. She steps back and looks at him in confusion and dread. “I … something is wrong, I don’t know, I just felt something … something’s wrong.” She turns in his arms and runs back inside. She scans the room in panic, nothing. So she sets off to the hangar; she’ll just start searching until she finds it. Kylo only barely notices she’s left the company of FN-2187, so lost in his grief. He realized this, then focuses again. Why did she leave? Did the Traitor do something to her? Was she hurt? His pain turns to panic as he scans her body and mind.

 

Finding nothing, he calms down enough to realize that his mental state has carried over the Bond. She felt his jealous rage and assumed it was the Force speaking to her. He had to control himself! She is lost in a panic; the intensity of his feelings has convinced her something is desperately wrong.

 

She’s halfway through searching the hangar when the Traitor finds her. “Rey, what’s wrong?”

 

“Finn! I don’t know, I just felt this awful disturbance in the Force, I could have sworn it meant an attack or something equally dangerous. But everything is quiet. Do you think I should go to the General? Luke’s off-world …“ She trails off. Master Luke would feel it if it was something coming for them. He would warn them if it was real, she decided.

 

“I don’t know, sweetheart.” Sweetheart? He’s never called her that before. She finds she likes it. She’s looking up at him, worried. He reaches down and tucks an errant curl behind her ear, cupping her cheek when he’s finished. She leans into his touch. “Let me soothe you.”

 

She blinks, wondering if she wants this. It was such a lovely feeling, but he’s Finn, her dearest friend. What they have right now works and she can’t bear to ruin it. But he’s tipping her chin up and kissing her again. It’s so soft, and so sweet, she finds herself wrapping her arms around his neck. Kylo is dying inside but he keeps his control this time. Finn takes her hand again and draws her towards the staff quarters. She smiles and lets him.

 

Kylo Ren withdraws fully from her mind at this point. He’s laying on his floor, his knees pulled up to his chest, holding onto himself for dear life. He turns his face to the wall and Kylo Ren _weeps_.

\---

 

She’s thinking about Han Solo again.

 

Of all the mornings to think about his fa- Han Solo, it would have to be this one. He wakes up on the floor, his head pounding with dehydration. His eyes are nearly swollen shut from the tears he shed last night. He’s afraid to find out if she’s alone or not; either choice upsetting. If she is, then the Traitor is a scoundrel and a fool, treating her like a common whore. If she’s not, then Kylo Ren will have to remove himself again. He knows he can’t bear to see her in another’s arms. He was away from her all night and oh how he _misses_ her. He steels himself to look, gliding gently along the Bond, quietly slipping into her.  He finds her alone in her bed. He sighs in relief and bitter frustration. He’s lost himself to her and it’s too late for him to stop.

 

She’s so angry at Kylo Ren for having everything she ever wanted and turning his back on it. If she’d had half of what he’d had as a child, she would be the happiest person in the galaxy. Two loving parents, not to mention his uncle and Chewie … it was an embarrassment of riches. And he stabbed his father in the heart clean through, murdered in cold blood. Not so cold, Kylo thinks. This, of all the things she thinks of him, about him, this is the one he wants so much to talk with her about. She doesn’t understand, can’t understand.

 

“Rey …” he whispers to himself; he wants to taste her name on his lips. He wants to tell her how he’d struggled for 15 years to extinguish the light because the light had only ever hurt him, only ever took from him. It was the dark that felt safe, where his powers truly flourished. It was in the dark he found home. But he could never make it work entirely; he was ever torn and tormented by his constant doubts and guilt. Killing isn’t easy, and torture haunts him. But it is, _was_ his duty, it _was_ his assignment, and he _was_ good at it. In the moment the power was intoxicating. It was only later, after the deed was done, that he knew his humanity was all but lost. He had comforted himself with the thought that he was only following orders, doing the best job he could with his duties. When he’d killed Han Solo it was supposed to suffocate the light forever and leave him free. Beautifully, blissfully free. He was supposed to be entirely of the dark. The dark side of the Force had always poured forth from him so easily, whereas the light side fought him constantly. How could he be light when all of his power was dark? So he wanted the light gone. Supreme Leader had led him to believe that this act would set him free.

 

But he had never been more wrong about anything in his life. Instead of extinguishing the light, it had cracked him wide open. In his pain and wretched mourning Rey had slipped in and made a home for herself in his wounded heart, and now he knew there would be no dislodging her. She is keeping him sane, for without her, facing what he has done … it is unthinkable. The pain and guilt are already licking at his heels morning and night. Sleep is a thing to be feared, so often he finds himself on that horrible bridge… the feeling of his father’s hand ghosting on his skin. Only Rey keeps him from taking his saber and sharing his father’s fate. He knows he is wretched; knows he deserves none of what he so stealthily takes from his scavenger girl. No one could possibly hate Kylo Ren more than he hates himself.

 

But why would she be thinking about Han Solo this morning? Surely … there are other things on her mind. What could have triggered these maudlin reflections? She rolls over in her bed and whispers to no one, “Why do I care why he did it? Why do I think of him at all?” She suddenly leaps from bed, a look of determination on her face. She grabs clothes and goes to the ‘fresher. He removes himself, shame staining his cheeks, remembering how he’d stayed in her dream when she was swimming. Force, she deserves so much better than him … then again, he supposes she has Finn now. The pain lances through him and he redoubles his efforts not to think about it. She will get it out of her system and things will return to normal. There is no way his girl would be happy with just a Stormtrooper.

 

He peeks again a few moments later and finds her dressed. She is heading to her meditation field, a determined set to her jaw and no nonsense in her stride. She is halfway there when a breathless Finn catches up with her.

 

“Hey, didn’t you hear me calling? I was yelling for quite a while.” He just seems confused, not angry.

 

“Sorry, I’m just in my own little world today. What can I do for you?”

 

“Well, can’t I kiss my girlfriend hello?” Wait, hold on, girlfriend?

 

“We just kissed a few times, I’m not sure that really means I’m your girlfriend.” Kylo’s head whips around and he nearly staggers to the floor. Nothing else had happened last night? He’d thought it was quite clear where things were headed. He thinks he might just float away; he is so full of heady relief.

 

“I’m not really ready for anything like that.” Rey doesn’t want to do this, doesn’t want to say this. Oh, stars, she doesn’t want to do this. “I was a little drunk and it was lovely but there’s a war going on and I just … I don’t even know how to be friends very well yet, I can’t imagine how complex it is for there to be more. Please, Finn; can we just go back to how things were before?”

 

Finn stands there, looking poleaxed. Kylo Ren grins with undisguised schadenfreude. Mine, mine, _mine._

 

“I, uhm. I guess, yeah sure. I just, I thought we both had a nice time and uh …” He clearly doesn’t know what to say.

 

“Oh Finn, I did … it’s just that it’s too much. Can you understand how hard people are for me after spending 15 years alone? I don’t know what’s expected of me almost all the time. I need my friend, Finn, I need you more than ever. Please be my friend, please?” Her face is so open and full of love. Kylo thinks he’d give almost anything to have her look at him like that.

 

“Yeah, sure. Of course. We’re still friends, we’ll always be friends.” He sounds dejected and crushed. Ren actually feels badly for the Traitor for a moment. Then it passes and he realizes she is all his again. He hopes it will last – he is very bad at sharing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've changed tenses, I'll go fix the rest this week. I guess this is what I get for posting as I write!
> 
> Thank you Meaghan M/Juulna! Best. Beta. Ever.
> 
> And thank you Mr. Downing for your constant support. 
> 
> AND thank you to everyone who is commenting, it so helps motivate me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She’s having tea with Leia Organa again.
> 
> If she wasn’t in such a state after her conversation with the Traitor he wouldn’t stay for this. It’s been two days and she’s still thinking about him. He wants to hear what she will say. Seeing Leia Organa – his mother, his mother, his mother, whispers from somewhere far away – is excruciating. He hasn’t seen her in 18 years. Leia has never seen him as a man.

She’s having tea with Leia Organa again.

 

If she wasn’t in such a state after her conversation with the Traitor he wouldn’t stay for this. It’s been two days and she’s still thinking about _him._ He wants to hear what she will say. Seeing Leia Organa – _his mother, his mother, his mother,_ whispers from somewhere far away – is excruciating. He hasn’t seen her in 18 years. Leia has never seen him as a man.

 

Rey smiles gently at her, this woman who’s made of steel and pain and so much kindness it leaves her in awe. Rey admires Leia Organa; a hero to emulate. She’s a better child to his mother than he ever was. She makes him feel so ashamed of himself and he will not stop.

 

He knows he deserves to feel every scrape of remorse. He’s disgusted with himself. But he stays and listens, flagellating himself with his shame. If he thought it would help he would welcome the whip but he’s already covered in scars, and physical pain has long since ceased to move him. Force, he is a twisted, broken thing. He wallows in his horrific choices.

 

“I’m so confused.” Rey sounds so small and lost, he pulls himself out of his self-pity and listens.

 

“What is it dear?” Leia’s kind face and open brown eyes welcome the deepest of confidences.

 

“It’s Finn. He kissed me. We kissed,” Rey’s voice quivers.

 

“Well, I think that has been coming for quite some time, reading between the lines.” Leia seems pleased with this development. Kylo wonders what his mother would think if she knew how he _pines_.

 

“Oh. Really? Poe said something like that, too …”

 

“Was it not welcome?”

 

“No, it’s not that! I just, I’ve never been kissed before and Finn wants more and I don’t know what to do.” Her first kiss? He feels like something profound has been taken from him and he _hates_ the Traitor. If only things had been different, he could have been the first to taste those sweet lips. The fury swirls around him. _Mine_ , thunders in his head.

 

“I talked to him, told him that I don’t want anything to change. He looked like I’d stabbed him in the gut.” Rey looks away, her face forlorn. “Why are people so complicated?!” She wishes she was back on Jakku, where the hulking skeletons of long-dead ships spill their secrets so easily.

 

“Anything worth having takes time, effort. Friends, lovers – they all take something of you even as they give back. You can’t avoid being vulnerable, not if you want people in your life.” Rey feels like Leia has revealed something essential. “I’m sure that Finn will be fine, he just needs time. He’s hoped for more from the moment he met you. I think he’s been half in love with you from the very beginning.”

 

Rey feels so stupid. “I never meant … I didn’t want him to think that about me.” She murmurs.

 

“I know, I know. You’ve done nothing wrong.” Leia takes her hand and Rey looks miserable.

 

“I just don’t want to hurt him.” Kylo thinks: _I do_. Rey starts to fiddle with the napkin in her lap. “There’s something else.” Her tone is cautious and small. Leia nods her head for Rey to continue.

 

“I’ve been dreaming of … Ben,” she whispers. Kylo breathes in sharply. His given name, so long forbidden, on her lips. It races down his spine and settles deep inside.

 

Leia looks down at her tea for a moment. Rey is afraid she’s hurt her dear mentor, the closest anyone has ever come to mothering her. But who else could she possibly talk to? She couldn’t talk to Luke; Kylo Ren’s betrayal of the Jedi Academy makes him verboten. But Leia still, impossibly, loves her son.

 

“What sort of dreams?” Leia asks with a note of fear.

 

“Well, I had so many nightmares when I first got back from _Starkiller_ , you know … the _chair_.” Kylo closes his eyes in pain. He regrets every day how he squandered his time with his darling girl. Frightened her; hurt her. He can never make it up to her, he knows this. But oh how he would like to try.

 

“But they stopped after a month or two. Then three nights ago I dreamt of him saving me from another scavenger on Jakku. It’s actually a recurring nightmare I’ve had since I was 13; a memory really. This man, Adric Poln, he beat me very badly and stole a week’s worth of work. I think I would have died if a village woman hadn’t taken pity on me. I couldn’t walk for over a week and couldn’t scavenge for a month. By the time I was able to work again I’d lost a quarter of my body weight. I wasn’t truly recovered for a year.” He’s livid. He will hunt this Adric Poln and put him _down_. He’s already on his way to Jakku – what a marvelous coincidence. He may have lost his taste for pointless violence, but he knows he will _always_ kill for her.

 

“The dream happened as it always does. I run, Poln catches me, he beats me … but this time out of nowhere Kyl-.”

 

“Ben. Please call him Ben.”

 

“Yes, of course, I’m sorry.” Rey hates when she hurts Leia. She knows Leia never holds it against her, but she has done so much for her that it pricks at her her to have forgotten.

 

“Out of nowhere Ben showed up and pulled him off of me with so much strength he just flew over a dune and disappeared. Then Ben was kind to me; wanted to know if the man had hurt me beyond the beating.” Rey’s eyes dart away from Leia’s. “He didn’t,” she reassures quickly. “Then he asked me if anyone protected me. He seemed so … concerned.”

 

“Ben was always a very caring boy. He was quite protective of me when Han and I would fight.” Leia sighs and smiles sadly. “Once when he was about six he stormed into our room and informed his father that ‘you shouldn’t shout at mommy, mommy loves us and you’re mean!’ right in the middle of a terrific fight. Then he ran up and kicked him in the shin.” Leia is laughing now, a smile finally reaching her eyes. Rey grins at the idea of Kylo Ren protecting his ‘mommy’. Then she frowns a little, wondering what could have happened to that little boy.

 

Kylo sighs and whispers to himself, “I don’t know, Rey, I don’t know.”

 

“But that boy is gone, I know that. I just wanted you to know that it’s not out of his character to help a woman in distress. I … I have to believe that my Ben is still in there somewhere; that, if he had really been there, that’s how he would have acted.”

 

“I hope so, I really do.”

 

“Did anything else happen in your dream?”

 

“Yes, he offered to teach me again.” Rey pauses, this part oddly personal. She’s not sure she can, or even should, share it. “He told me I would be his _only_ priority. And the way he looked at me … Why would I dream such a thing?” He feels a pang in his heart to hear that his words touched her in some way.

 

“I don’t know; I honestly don’t. But perhaps you’re coming to terms with all the ways he didn’t hurt you on _Starkiller_.”

 

“Didn’t hurt me? What do you mean? He hurt me plenty.” He grimaces, remembering throwing her against the tree. He only wanted her out of the way so he could dispatch the Traitor. He never meant to hurt her.

 

“I mean that he held back. He could have used the Force on you at any point. He didn’t want to kill you. Maybe this is how you’re working through how you feel about that.” Leia looks at Rey with such compassion that she must look away.

 

“In my dream he did say he didn’t want to hurt me …”

 

“There, you see, I think it’s all perfectly normal.” Leia is about to change the subject when Rey speaks again.

 

“But I’ve dreamt of him every night since.” Kylo sits up immediately. She’s what? But he hasn’t visited her dreams but the one time. She’s dreaming of him on her own? He feels warmth suffuse his chest.

 

 

“I see. What sorts of dreams?”

 

“Nothing strange. We’re just on a ship of some kind, traveling at light speed. He … he tells me he’s sorry, that he’s so sorry. Sometimes he holds my hand.” His heart heaves in his chest. He finds he’s jealous of himself. She’s dreaming of him? She lets him _touch_ her? He looks around his shuttle, sees the blue of hyper-space and starts to make connections.

 

Leia is quiet for a long time. She looks very conflicted. Finally she speaks.

 

“I think we all wish that Ben felt remorse for his actions. What he did … it’s unforgivable. He killed his own father. That goes against the natural order of all things. I’ve tried to understand how he could do it, why he would do it.” Kylo nearly does leave now. This hurts too much. _I’m sorry mother. I’m sorry mommy._

 

“I believe he thought if he did something so heinous he could never come home again then he would fully embrace the dark side. That he’d finally kill the light in him. Who knows, perhaps he has. Perhaps he’s the darksider henchman Snoke always wanted. I imagine he thought it would mean he didn’t have to be our son any longer and all that that entails. Not be beholden to anyone anymore.” Leia’s voice is harsh with unshed tears. Kylo – Ben – wants to bury his face in her lap and beg her forgiveness.

 

“I don’t know what to think.  I know who I’m dreaming of isn’t really him. But I can’t help but hope that maybe he is sorry. Maybe it really did break him. I just … I was there. I saw him do it. I saw his face when he-”

 

“Please stop.” Leia’s face is open and pleading. _Oh mother ..._

 

“Oh, Leia, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m so stupid and thoughtless and, and, oh, I’m so sor-”

 

“It’s alright. I know you didn’t mean anything, I know you must have many feelings about that day but I can’t be the one you talk to about it.” Leia looks resigned.

 

“No, no, of course not – I never should have said anything. I’m just so confused by these dreams and you … You’ve been so kind to me; made me feel like I have a home. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Rey gets up and starts to pace. “I want to forgive him,” Rey says suddenly. “I don’t want to hate him any longer.” Kylo is stunned. This is more than he ever dared hope for.

 

“Well, it is the Jedi way,” Leia says with humor.

 

Rey snorts. “Tell that to Luke.”

 

“My brother may never be able to forgive Ben. I don’t expect it of him. To be honest with you, dear, it warms my heart to hear you want to forgive my son. It has been very lonely being the only one who thinks he’s still in there. Having you not hate him … it would be a gift.” A gift beyond value, Kylo thinks.

 

Rey sits back down. They’ve both been quiet for a long time when Leia finally lifts her head and says, “Would you mind very much if I talked about him sometimes? Told you about the boy I gave birth to?”

 

Tears sting Rey’s eyes and she says, “No, no, not at all. I would _like_ to hear more about Ben. Who knows – if I ever see him again, I can tell him I’ve seen his baby pictures and maybe he’ll surrender out of sheer embarrassment?”

 

Kylo scowls. He doesn’t like them mocking him. Doesn’t like the idea of Rey learning of what a weak, mewling thing he was. He may not believe in his path any longer, but that doesn’t mean he likes who he was. Ben Solo _was_ weak and foolish and he _did_ deserve his fate. He wishes they would talk more about Rey’s dreams. He wants to see her face when she lets him touch her.

\---

Two more days to Jakku. It’s been amazing; he’s been able to just be with Rey, Rey, Rey, all day and all night since he left the _Finalizer_. No duties, no distractions, no Supreme Leader, no _Hux_. And it’s been perfect. The Traitor has kept away, she dwells on thoughts of Ben, and she even wonders what it would be like to hold his hand. He’s in heaven and he never wants it to end. It’s nearly time for her to go to sleep and he’s feeling bold. She’s getting ready for bed now and he lingers. He knows he should leave just as he knows that he won’t. Now that she thinks of him as something other than pure evil, he feels like perhaps she wouldn’t mind so very much. He knows he’s lying to himself, but he’s going to do it anyway.

 

She’s in the ‘fresher and standing in front of the mirror. She takes her shirt off and she’s free underneath, revealing her creamy, beautiful breasts. Her nipples are pert and rosy. He wants to taste them so very much. Then she peels her leggings down and now she’s standing in just her underwear. He can see the dark patch of curls showing through the thin material and he’s straining against his trousers with want. His hands twitch with the desire to touch her, his mouth waters to taste her. His hungry eyes take it all in. She slips her nightgown over her head and she’s covered in something shapeless and white. He won’t be able to be strong tonight, he knows. Tonight he must have her, if only in his mind.

 

She hums her goodnights to the flock of little droids scattered about her room. She slips between the covers and turns out her light, curling into a ball, readying herself to fall asleep on her side. On his shuttle Kylo lays down as well, molding himself around where she should be, imagining her in his bed, in his arms, pressed against him. He imagines their skin touching, burning. Nothing between them. He would hold her so tightly; bury his face in her hair at the crook of her neck. Breathe in her scent. Oh how he wishes, and wants, and needs. He’s desperate for his little scavenger girl. He strokes himself through his trousers, imagining her hands there, moving along his length. He feels her energy through the bond. Feels her in the bed next to him.

 

He rolls on his back, unbuttons the placket, and reaches into his underwear, pulling himself out. He’s rigid and dripping with his lust. She makes him so hard, just from thinking of her.

 

“Oh Rey …” he sighs, imagining himself suckling on her luscious left breast. Teasing the nipple to a perfect point while he rubs his cock along her thigh. His eyes are closed and he’s basking in her energy when he feels a spike of arousal from her. He slows his movements and realises she has her hand in her panties. His eyes pop open and his mouth goes dry. She’s done this before but he’s always left; never being willing to cross this line. But he can’t even think – he’s too far gone. So instead he hones in on her and feels what she’s feeling. She has that perfect left breast in her hand, flicking her nipple. Her right hand is gently exploring her folds, slowly stroking along the seam. Occasionally she dips a finger in; it’s excruciating. Why is she teasing herself, he wonders. But she’s not in any rush, so Kylo slows down as well.

 

Unexpectedly, she thrusts in two fingers and uses her thumb to rub quick circles around her sensitive bundle of nerves, hard and red and _stars_ he wants to taste her so _badly_. Her head is thrown back and she’s panting quietly. Kylo is stroking himself in time with her thrusts, imagining himself replacing those fingers. “My perfect, beautiful girl. What you do to me. Rey, Rey, Rey,” he chants her name as he feels himself climbing. He doesn’t want to beat her there though, so he takes his other hand and gently pulls his balls.

 

She’s speeding up now; he can feel how close she is. Oh dear Force he can feel her and it’s the most amazing thing he’s ever felt in his life. The feeling of her fingers in her dark heat, the hardness of her clit against her thumb, the puckered pink skin of her nipple, he can feel it all. And he’s right there with her. Stroking in time and they climb, climb to the top and just when he thinks nothing can feel better than this, with her – his perfect, gorgeous, _wanton_ girl – they both explode with shivering, shuddering ecstasy. He feels himself come in great bursts, over and over. He feels her walls clench around her fingers and her clit twitch under her thumb, with waves of pleasure undulating throughout her body. Just as she’s coming down he hears her sigh, “Ben …”

 

His forbidden name shivers through their bond and pulls one last burst from his depths. He shouts out in surprise. Laying there, spent, he feels her sated sigh and confused feelings. Oh no, little one, don’t question it, just let it have happened. But she’s worrying at it, confused and a little frightened. “What’s happening to me?” She wonders out loud. Kylo wonders, too; wonders if the Bond is bleeding into her more than he thinks. Maybe she’s being influenced by his desire. It’s a cold thought and it makes him feel dirty. He knows what he feels for her, even knows the word he would use if he were free. But the thought of him influencing her this way, taking her free will ... it terrifies him. He wants her more than anything, but he _needs_ her to want him _back_.

 

He turns over and falls into a troubled sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Meaghan M/Juulna for your continued fabulosity as a splendiferous beta.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing for putting up with my insecurity. You're a saint.
> 
> Thank you for all the kind comments, they really make me want to get new chapters out quickly!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She’s training with Luke again.
> 
>  
> 
> He doesn’t usually stay for this – it’s too painful. Remembering the Academy. Remembering what he did. But today he stays. He’s worried about her, after last night. He also wants to be close. What happened … it means something to him and, since he can’t hold her in the ways he wants to, he stays in her mind. He’s a little afraid of what she’ll be feeling. It’s such a different terrain now that she thinks about him so frequently. It used to be that he was just a silent observer, feeling her light, reveling in her essential goodness. But now there is tantalizing possibility, and he dreams impossible dreams. He’s thinking in shades of maybe and he doesn’t want to stop.

She’s training with Luke again.

 

He doesn’t usually stay for this – it’s too painful. Remembering the Academy. Remembering what he did. But today he stays. He’s worried about her, after last night. He also wants to be close. What happened … it means something to him and, since he can’t hold her in the ways he wants to, he stays in her mind. He’s a little afraid of what she’ll be feeling. It’s such a different terrain now that she thinks about him so frequently. It used to be that he was just a silent observer, feeling her light, reveling in her essential goodness. But now there is tantalizing possibility, and he dreams impossible dreams. He’s thinking in shades of _maybe_ and he doesn’t want to stop.

 

She’s standing on one hand, holding BB-8 aloft with the Force while Luke is speaking.

 

“Good, good. Your control is greatly improving. Now, add that rock over there.” She concentrates and it too hovers over the ground. Kylo remembers when he first managed to hold R2-D2 and a rock at the same time. He’d been sullen and angry because he’d been the slowest to manage it. His power always did flow from the dark side and he could never make the light side sing.

 

“Master Luke?”

 

“You know I prefer just Luke, Rey.”

 

“Right, I’m sorry.”

 

“Put everything down. That’s enough for today.” She gently places BB-8 on the ground and settles the rock back with its mates. She gracefully pulls herself from the handstand. Luke hands her some water and they sit in the grass.

 

“I can tell you are troubled today. Tell me, young one.”

 

“It’s nothing.” Rey doesn’t want to talk to him about this. Kylo agrees.

 

“You must learn to trust me; please tell me.” She knows he’s right, that she must trust her teacher. But she knows how he can get about Kylo Ren. He refuses to even use the name Ben Solo.

 

Rey sighs in defeated resignation. “I’ve been having dreams. About Kylo Ren.” Oh this is bad. This is very bad. If Luke starts poking around in her head he could find … Kylo starts to panic. He doesn’t even know how he could ever explain it to her in a way that won’t make her feel that he has violated her privacy in the most egregious of ways. Because he has. He _knows_ he has. But he can’t stop. He needs her; needs her like air and water. As soon as he awoke after _Starkiller_ , and felt her glorious light, he had no choice. He couldn’t turn away. She would understand that, wouldn’t she?

 

He supposes he could have told her. But she hated him then; she would have gone to Luke and they would have blocked him … and that he simply could not have. She may have brought him out of the dark, but he was a selfish thing. Grasping and wanting, jealously guarding his treasure. So he will take this as it comes and hope her slowly softening heart will continue to turn towards him. Perhaps, in time, he would reveal himself. The thought makes him feel nervous and young.

 

“Share with me these dreams.” He seems serene today. Some days he’s a tempest, full of his regrets.

 

She tells him of the other scavenger, Kylo Ren’s rescue, his kindness, his offer to teach her.

 

“Tell me more about him offering to teach you.” Rey finds she doesn’t particularly want to, the way Ren’s eyes looked when he told her she would be his only priority made her feel ... treasured, wanted; like she would _mean_ something to him. All things Luke eschewed. No attachments. Luke makes her feel like a burden. Reluctantly, she tells him.

 

“And how did that make you feel?”

 

“Special,” she says in a small voice. His eyebrows rise at that. Kylo just wants to tell her how true that is.

 

“Would you _want_ to be the apprentice of Kylo Ren?”

 

“No!” Rey is indignant. It stings Kylo’s pride and strikes at his heart.

 

“No … but I would like to be Ben’s,” Rey whispers. Kylo’s breath hitches. Oh, his lonely, lost girl.

 

Luke looks at her for a very long time. Rey fidgets under his scrutiny.

 

He stands. “Walk with me.” She rises to follow. D’Qar is a beautiful world, she observes as they enter the trailhead near the meditation field.

 

“I know I’m not what you look for, what you need in a Master.” Rey begins to protest but Luke holds up his hand. “I’m often gone, I don’t put my full self into training you, in short, I am not a very good Master to you. I have too many demons and too many ghosts. But I am the last Jedi and it would be beyond selfish for me to deny you. You’re so strong with the Force that the idea of you going out into the galaxy with no training is unthinkable. But that did not turn me into the ideal Jedi Master for you.” He pauses, looking at a small local lizard that has scuttled under a fallen log.

 

“If Kylo Ren were still … Ben …” he stumbles over the words and takes a deep breath. “I have no doubt he would be an excellent teacher for you. He was a kind, diligent boy. But he struggled. The light side … he did have an affinity for the dark side; he always did. And instead of helping him, I just forced him to turn his back on it.”

 

“But I thought you had to choose – I thought the dark was evil!” Ray says with conviction.

 

“I thought so once, too. But now I think it’s simply the Force. What matters is what you do with it. You can use the dark for good and the light for evil. It’s about intent.” Luke seems to be a thousand years old.

 

“So you’re saying that Ben didn’t have to choose the way he did?”

 

“No, he didn’t. At least if I’d been a better, wiser man.” Kylo is standing in the middle of the shuttle, rigid with the feelings coursing through him. Betrayal, vindication, and desperate sadness. What if, what if, what if. His life could have been … Oh, Rey … He can see it so clearly. She would have been his, in all ways: his apprentice, his lover, his partner, his _everything_. But not now; not with his mission from Snoke. He knows he has to find a way out, but he’s been burying himself in her for as long as he can. After Jakku, he will face it. After Jakku.

 

“Is it possible these aren’t just dreams? Could they be the Force? Is he communicating with me somehow?”

 

“It’s always possible, but from what you’ve told me they don’t sound like Force visions. Do they feel at all like when you touched the lightsaber?”

 

“No … they’re just dreams. But they make me hope. Do you think he could ever come back, after … everything?” Rey’s eyes are pleading.

 

“I really don’t know. I’m not sure he’d be allowed to live after the Hosnian system.” Luke just looks defeated. “I want you to know that I’m going to be a better Master to you, young one. I have neglected you and that stops now. I’ve been afraid to let you in because of what I lost 15 years ago. But that is not your fault and if I don’t want to be the last Jedi, then I’d best make sure I’m not.” His blue eyes twinkle in a way that Rey had never seen before.

 

Kylo is very torn. His discovery is much more likely now. But Rey deserves to have a proper Master. She has almost limitless power and no idea how to channel it. He wishes he could be that for her. The thought of sharing that with her, learning how the Force moves through her, showing her how to use it in battle, sparring with her, feeling her incandescent light … these are some of his favorite fantasies. But for now he will be happy that Luke will try to do right by her. Yes, it is good.

\---

It’s night again and he lets her dress alone. But when she slips under the covers he slides behind her in his mind, again mimicking her position so he can feel her energy against him, pretending he has her tucked against his chest. He feels so close to her this way.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, oh punctuation wrangling queen, Meaghan M/Juulna. All hail Empress Beta.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing for letting me read to him my favorite comments. He is so patient.
> 
> And, as always, thank you, readers, for your wonderful comments. They inspire me and are helping me shape this story.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jakku. His shuttle descends on Niima Outpost. He lands a fair bit away, not trusting anyone here after drifting through Rey’s memories. She’d spent 15 years here. Alone. Waiting. Hungry. His scavenger girl had been utterly abandoned and it makes him angry. Who could do such a thing to her, to this amazing, perfect creature? He shakes his head, frustrated with all the ways she’s been failed. He’s determined not to be one of them. He doesn’t know how, but somehow he will find a way to be worthy.

Jakku. His shuttle descends on Niima Outpost. He lands a fair bit away, not trusting anyone here after drifting through Rey’s memories. She’d spent 15 years here. Alone. Waiting. Hungry. His scavenger girl had been utterly abandoned and it makes him _angry_. Who could do such a thing to her, to this amazing, perfect creature? He shakes his head, frustrated with all the ways she’s been failed. He’s determined not to be one of them. He doesn’t know how, but somehow he will find a way to be _worthy_.

 

She’s meditating, quiet and peaceful. He lets the Bond lay quiet in the back of his mind; aware of her, but focused elsewhere. He walks down the ramp, the Jakku sun hitting him through his black clothes and dark mask. Maker, it’s hot. He turns and cloaks the shuttle in the Force. Between that and the security controls, he’s certain no one will scavenge his shuttle. He plans to stay in Niima, hoping to hear and observe more of what his Rey has lived. If his masked, First Order persona fails him he can always change into local garb and try again. He wants to try intimidation. It’s where he’s always started before. Well, since he’s been Kylo Ren. He wonders when he started to think of himself as two people. Perhaps he is three … Kylo Ren, Ben Solo, and Rey’s. He knows he will always be Rey’s. The other two are negotiable.

 

He imagines what it must have been like for her to drag herself through baking behemoths, carcasses of wars long passed. He remembers her thinking about pulling herself through a section no one else had managed. Her size and desperation had brought her further than anyone else had ever achieved. She’d broken through the lower deck to find a control room with long dead corpses. Bones bleached with time, floors stained with blood. She’d been horrified by the sight. It was easy to forget that each of those massive ships had once had crews. It was in pristine condition; the components fresh for the taking. She’d eaten for a month from that scavenge. Even managed a bath. He will wrap her in luxury – she will never want for anything ever again. _She doesn’t care about that,_ floats through his mind, and he brushes it aside. If he can’t give her material security … He knows he hasn’t discovered the key to her heart. Not yet … but he will.

 

His time on this backwards, backwater planet will help him understand her. Give him the tools he needs. He strides through the sands, coming across the settlement that passes for civilization. Niima. He walks along the main promenade, junkers and their wares set out for perusal. Everything has a fine sheen of dust and all of the items are on their third or thirtieth owner. There is a gathering of old women around the well, watering some form of livestock. They could be 50 or 80, life is so hard here. One of them looks straight at him and he’s left with the unsettling impression that she can see right through his helmet. He stalks over to her and barks, “I’m seeking the scavenger Rey.” He knows, of course, that she’s nowhere near here, but he has a story he must follow.

 

The old woman who shows no fear and looks up into his intimidating mask and says. “Nine portions.” He has coin, but no portions.

 

“Five credits.” he purrs.

 

She looks taken aback by this. “What would I do with credits here? Look around you, boy.” He’s not accustomed to this fearless dismissal. It makes his temper flare.

 

“I am no boy and you’re lucky I don’t just take what I want, old woman.” He’s determined to do this as Rey would wish it, as these are her people, but even he has his limits.

 

“Ach, you’re a boy to me, a boy seeking a _girl_ it would seem.” She lets out a filthy cackle. It hits too close to home and he’s out of patience.

 

“Is there anywhere on this forsaken junkyard of a planet that does take credits?” He growls.

 

“Unkar Plutt; he’ll deal with the likes of you.” She gestures towards a large tent. “Come back when you have portions.” She turns her back to him and returns to the clutch of women. She leaves him standing there, looking the fool. He feels the weight of the hilt of his saber, but turns on his heel and stomps towards the indicated tent.

 

Plutt … he had wanted to visit with _this_ man. This man with unsavory designs on his Rey. He regards the large, unkempt tent, taking it in. It’s dirty, with many patches. There is a rough storefront where scavengers trade the fruits of their endless labor. Ren sees a large, shapeless, fleshy man-like individual behind the counter. This must be Unkar Plutt. It doesn’t take Ren long to make his way across the pavilion. There are a few scavengers waiting in line to trade their wares. He stands to the side, observing.

 

A middle-aged man drags a rough burlap bag up to the counter and heaves it up, tipping the contents across the surface. A dozen large cylinders tumble out and Plutt looks down at them with disdain.

 

“One eighth portion per piece.” He sneers down at the man. Plutt clearly enjoys the power he holds over the hapless scavenger. “One and a half portions total.”

 

“But these were a quarter portion last week! My family needs to eat! You can’t just do this to us!” He’s furious and his cheeks are hollow. He looks like it’s been a long time since he’s had a good meal. Kylo Ren is disturbed by the fact this bothers him as much as it does. He is accustomed to wielding fear and power like a weapon but this blatant act of dominance sickens him. Unfortunately, he needs Plutt to be amenable to him. Plutt has information he wants and he’s determined to take it without force. The Force is another matter. As far as he’s found, Plutt knows more about Rey than anyone else on this dusty rock.

 

Ren strides up and swipes the scrap from the counter and growls “I have actual business to do with you, so I suggest you stop wasting your time on such rabble.”

 

Plutt pulls his head back, looking Ren up and down. He seems unimpressed. “And who are _you_?” Ren wants very much to take his head. Or perhaps just his hands. Hands that want to touch his precious girl.

 

“You have something I want; I have the credits to pay.” Plutt smells wealth and it is obvious to Kylo when his attitude changes.

 

“Credits, hmm? It’ll cost you. Your ship broke down and now you need a new hyperdrive? Need a place to stay for the night? Looking for … companionship?” He leers at the dark man.

 

“I shudder to imagine what _companionship_ on this hell hole would entail. No, I seek information and in order to gain that information I will need a room and the local currency – portions, I believe? I am prepared to be generous.” He sifts through the unpleasant man’s thoughts.

 

_-I’ll take him for everything he’s got.- -wonder what’s under that mask, stupid thing to wear in the desert.- -I’ll charge him double, he’ll never know-_

 

Ren pulls away from his mind, unsurprised by what he finds there. He isn’t ready to reveal his quest to this quivering blob of flesh just yet.

 

“Illun Kark, he’ll look after ye, he manages the inn and cantina. You’ll find it across the pavilion; the big building with the dark roof.” He seems oddly smug. Ren dips again … _-get him coming and going, charge him for getting him the room and Kark’ll kick back-_ …Kylo wants very much to handle this the way he used to. If he had a battalion of Stormtroopers he would just round up the settlement and interrogate them one at a time until he has everything he needs. It’s so tempting. But he feels her through the Bond and knows he can’t, knows if he’s ever to have her … She won’t easily forgive what he’s already done, he’s almost certain of it. But if she hears he’s eradicated her erstwhile home … No, he must handle this with finesse.

 

“Money is no object, simply provide me with a room and 300 portions.” Plutt’s eyes bulge out of his head despite himself. He’s very satisfied with how this day is progressing. Kylo Ren counts out the required sum and follows Plutt’s directions to the inn.

 

He pulls the beaded curtain to the side and ducks his head to enter the fetid inn – if it can even be called that. The first floor holds the cantina and there are small rooms above. It is the afternoon so it is quiet, everyone still out seeking their daily bread. He wonders if Rey had ever been in here. He finds he hopes not. It is a vile, dark place. His girl has no business in a place like this. He realizes that Kark is talking.

 

“The bath is available for an hour after sunset, first come first serve. Two portions. Clean linens, one portion, room itself is eight.” Ren reaches into his pack and counts out the payment. He doesn’t mention that he’s already paid Plutt. “Dinner’s two hours after sunset; don’t be late if you want to eat.” With that, Kark closes the door on Ren and the dingy room. Ren looks around and is again swept by the desolate feeling of how Rey had lived. Everything about this place is struggle and pain. He is beginning to understand why she is so angry with him. He has never considered how much he had as a child. His privileged upbringing had been a stone around his neck, but now he wonders. Though he felt abandoned by his frequently absent parents there was always someone to care for him who loved him. His sense of abandonment pales into insignificance when he holds it up to the emptiness of Rey’s life. It suddenly seems impossibly _petty_ , his feelings of being ignored. Ignored? He was lavished with attention and love when he uses this new measurement blooming in his head. He finds he is ashamed. He sits on what passes for a bed and focuses on Rey.

 

She is walking through the base again.

 

Her droids follow her like a little flock of ducklings, chattering and beeping along behind her. She doesn’t notice the bemused expressions of her fellow resistance fighters; not seeing the shaking heads and hidden smiles. Oh how he lo– _treasures_ his beautiful, singular girl. There is no one like her in all of the galaxy. She is unique, and she is infinitely precious to him. He is entirely hers and he will never stop being so.

 

A small, square droid waddles up to Rey, bending its head to her. She affixes its antenna back into place and it ambles away, happy. She smiles and continues to the dining hall, oblivious of the attention her little droid family brings. He’s not sure how much longer he can stay away from her. What can he do to win her heart? He knows that she no longer despises him, but that’s still a long distance to go. He can’t imagine that they won’t be happy, if she’ll only let him try. She’s everything he’s ever wanted; the Force wouldn’t be so cruel, would it? To give him his perfect match and have her shun him? He knows he could live forever on her light, but he wants so much more.

 

He stretches out on the bed, trying not to think too much about who has lain here before, and what sorts of activities might have transpired. He closes his eyes and drifts in her. She’s still amazed by the sheer amount of food that’s available to her, three times a day, every single day. Kylo is filled with shame at all the things he’s never considered before; that he simply took as his due. He’d never thought of himself as pampered or spoiled but he sees now that he has been. His suffering was a choice. How much of his anguish has he picked up and strapped onto himself? He considers the room he’s rented, realizes that this would have been unimaginable for her. That he so thoughtlessly slept in a bed, ate his meals, and took his baths without ever thinking about a life without such necessities. His bare minimum was so far beyond what Rey could have even fathomed. At least she’s stopped sleeping on the floor. His heart breaks for her for the thousandth time. He thought he knew hate, but he finds he _hates_ whomever abandoned her with a ferocity he’s rarely known. Couldn’t they see the glory of her as they left her crying out for them?

 

He looks around the room, thinking hard about this planet and his little girl lost. How could her family just leave her here? Perhaps … what if he found them? Would she give him a chance then? He’s already here; it couldn’t hurt to find out what he could. Decision made, he heads out to begin to understand Rey.

 

\---

He starts with the old woman by the well. She knows something, he’s sure of it.

 

She’s no longer by the well so he walks amongst the stalls, pretending he has interest in their shoddy wares. He stops at a clothing stall and thinks perhaps he should prepare for blending in with the local populace. He’s not terribly thrilled at the prospect of going forth in these rags with his face naked but he’s already half defected from the First Order, so lost is he in Rey. This is just one more step down his new path. The path that ends with _her_.

 

He finds the least stained and ragged pieces he can and pays the strange being with blue fur and wicked black claws. He doesn’t bother to haggle, just pays the price. The proprietor seems shocked by the ease of the transaction with this large, ferocious figure. Kylo barely takes note, scanning for the old woman.

 

At last he sees her, sitting behind a table with bottles and jars of oils and other unguents. Local medicines, he presumes. He walks quickly to her and silently hands out nine portions.

 

“The scavenger Rey,” he barks.

 

“She’s gone.” The old woman says serenely.

 

“I am aware of that. Tell me when she came, why she left. Anything you know of her.”

 

“She was on odd thing. Kept to herself once she was old enough. Grew up with some of the local children. Plutt made sure she didn’t starve; not sure why. Not in his character. She lived in an old AT-AT across Qivlan Ridge. Made herself a nice little speeder, she did. Smart as a whip, but always sad.”

 

Kylo takes it all in, eager for each new crumb of Rey.

 

“And?” He prods.

 

“And what?”

 

“She lived here for 15 years, you must know more.” He must find out all he can.

 

“What else is there to say? She was left here, she struggled, she survived. She didn’t like other people, she was hard to know.”

 

“Who left her here?” He’s hoping for more, leads he can follow.

 

“Ach, well that I can tell you about. I was here when she was left. Beautiful ship she came on, nicer than we usually see around here. A man left her – human. Likely her father.”

 

“Did he have a name, or anything descriptive about him?” He’s feeling closer now. Rey has no memory of who left her here. She just believes it was her family.

 

“He was around 35 standard years, I’d say; not tall, blond hair if I remember correctly. It’s been a long time, you understand.”

 

“Hmm,” is all he says. “Anything else you can remember?”

 

“She always loved the stories. Normally she wouldn’t join us, but when the storytellers came through she’d push her way to inner circle of the fire ring and listen until the last of us had gone off to bed. She loved stories about the Jedi the most. Hopeful thing, you could say. Now, I’m busy, you’ve had your information. Off with ye.” She turns away and he knows he’s dismissed.

 

\---

 

The cantina is now pulsing with life, a trio of local musicians playing discordant melodies on makeshift instruments. There is a frantic energy, born of the need to escape the pain of daily existence. Portions spent on alcohol to forget, portions needed to stave of hunger, but sometimes oblivion is dearer than food. Changed into his local garb, his mask upstairs, Kylo finds a place at the bar and prepares to listen.

 

Kylo gestures to the man behind the bar. He has no intention of imbibing, but he’ll order a drink, and keep ordering drinks just to listen. “I’ll have whatever the locals drink.”

 

The man puts a cloudy brown drink in front of him “One half portion.” Kylo leaves three on the bar. The barkeep looks up in confusion and Kylo inclines his head to confirm his intention.

 

Ren sits for a long time, all manner of life streaming around him. He listens and skims their minds, seeking anything. He buys another drink, the first untouched. Time passes.

 

He’s been there for hours, his search fruitless, when he senses someone’s attention on him.

 

“Hello, stranger,” a barely clothed woman brushes up against him. He recoils before he remembers himself. “You seem lonely,” she says.

 

“I’m simply passing through.” He hopes Rey never had cause to know this … person.

 

“Well, then, you should make sure to sample all that Niima has to offer.” She strokes his thigh. He growls. She smiles, misunderstanding. “You _are_ quite a man, aren’t you? I don’t believe you’re alone many nights.” He doesn’t like to think about that anymore. He’d never known … never imagined how he would come to regret those times of utterly meaningless release. He wishes he could bring himself to Rey unsullied.

 

“I find I am quite at peace alone; I’ve no wish to waste your time.” She frowns a little, calculating the time to seduce this well-to-do stranger.

 

“Oh, come now, a big man like you must have … needs.” She drapes herself along him grotesquely. Kylo is repulsed. He considers, though, that professional women often know far more than anyone about the goings on in a small town. Pleasure loosens the tongue.

 

“Perhaps you _can_ help me.” He turns toward her, giving her his attention. “I’m seeking a young woman-”

 

“Well you’ve found one,” she interrupts him, looking coy.

 

“A specific young woman, a scavenger named Rey. She would be 20 standard years now.” The woman deflates.

 

“Oh, her. She disappeared almost a year ago. As far as I know she was only available occasionally.” His chest tightens. Available? Had she been so desperate? Oh Force no, not his glorious girl, please no. The thought of her so in need … he can’t bare it. “But _I’m_ available now …” she says suggestively.

 

“When you say available, do you mean to say she was … in your line of work?”

 

“Oh, no, she was too good for it most of the time; wouldn’t _lower_ herself. But when times were lean …” He’s on the verge of losing control, demanding to know who has touched her; taken her. He will kill them _all_. Those who would dare touch what is his. But he stops himself and lifts his hand, entering her mind.

 

_-that upstart little trollop, thought she was better than all of us, letting herself starve instead of selling what’s between her legs. Why if Mama Gitah hadn’t taken pity on the little sand rat she’d be on her back like the rest of us-_ Kylo’s relief is palpable. The thought of her having to give that part of herself unwillingly … it makes him feel physically ill. He considers the woman and realizes she wouldn’t be here, trying to entice him if she wasn’t also desperate. How easily this could have been his scavenger girl.

 

“Here,” he says roughly, handing her 100 portions. Her eyebrows shoot up in confusion.

 

“That would buy you the week, two weeks. For that I’ll even kiss you.” She grabs him through his trousers.

 

He takes her hand away gently and says softly, “No, I want nothing from you. Thank you for the information. Take them, please.” He thinks of Rey, of how she might have become this woman and he’s filled with that now-familiar shame. He thinks of the women Snoke bought, encouraging the Knights to fulfill their base desires, and wonders if any of them wanted to be there. Grateful he stopped all of that years ago. He’s never touched Rey and now he wonders if he’ll ever be clean enough. He starts towards the stairs, his mind in tumult.

 

The woman before him changes entirely. She suddenly seems younger; vulnerable. “Wait, please.”

 

He stops, then sits back down.

 

“What I said, about Rey, it wasn’t true. She never … she was never in my line of work.” She seems smaller now, all her fake confidence gone. “I don’t know why I said that. I suppose I was angry – angry that she never had to … had to do what so many of us do. She always seemed to have a special sort of luck. When things got really hard she’d always find just one more bit of scrap to keep her alive. I … we grew up together. Mama Gitah always had a soft spot for her, took her in when that bastard Poln-” He’s instantly on alert at that name.

 

“Poln?” He nearly barks at her. Oh he wants to know more about Poln.

 

“Yeah, Adric Poln, nasty piece of work. He beat her, stole her scavenge. He wanted her, thought if she couldn’t work that she’d … well, you know.”

 

“Where’s Poln now?” Kylo asks with suppressed fury.

 

“He’s probably at the comfort tent by now – why?” She suddenly seems wary, realizing she’s shared too much with this compelling stranger.

 

“He and I have a score to settle.” He keeps his voice flat.

 

“You … you care for Rey, don’t you?” She seems hopeful, wanting at least _someone_ to have found a better life.

 

Kylo hesitates. He doesn’t know who will follow him, if he’s bringing her danger by speaking with her. But his need to know Rey supersedes everything and this woman knows things; knows people who know Rey’s history.

 

“Yes. Very much.”

 

“Is she alright? No one knew what happened to her. Plutt threatened to put a bounty on her if she ever came back. You can’t let her come back here. It’s not safe.”

 

“She’s safe. She’ll always be safe, now,” he says with low intensity.

 

She nods and looks away. “Why are you here? Why aren’t you with her? You could ask her any of this.”

 

“I’m looking for her family.” He suddenly knows that this is the real reason he’s come here. Not to evade Snoke, not to learn more of Rey, but because this is what she needs. If he has any hope of filling her loneliness he must do this for her. Not to win her, not to woo her, but because Rey _needs_ this.

 

“She was always desperate for her family. It’s all she ever talked about.”

 

“I know.” And somehow he does. “You mentioned a woman named Gitah, might she have been here when Rey was left?”

 

“She’s been here forever, she might know something.” She pauses. “I could take you to her?”

 

“Tomorrow. Rest tonight.” He doesn’t want to draw attention to her profession but he wants her to have this time free of the grasping needs of others. Oh Rey, how you’re changing me.

 

“What’s your name?” Kylo says gently.

 

“Sarain, but most people just call me Sai.” She looks surprised to have answered him. She says quickly, “Tomorrow, then. I’ll meet you at the well at the high sun.”

 

\---

 

Kylo’s mind is full of the revelations of the day. He knows where Poln can be found. He will meet Gitah tomorrow, to untangle more of Rey’s mysterious history. Sai … the shadow of Rey. What would he have done if he’d found that his beautiful girl had been forced to sell herself to survive? He cannot even fathom the pain. He thinks of how he’s never understood himself; never seen everything he’s been given. Never known that he was given everything – everything – and his darling girl had nothing and yet she still flew higher and more spectacularly than he could even dare. But instead of turning to his familiar misery, his well-trod halls of hatred and self-pity, he seeks her – her light.

 

She’s walking in the forest. Her droids following along behind her. She’s touching every plant, smelling every flower. She stops and looks up, up, up into the canopy. She puts her arms out and _spins_. She feels the sun, dappled through the dense forest, her fingers curling around the spots of sunlight. She comes across a clearing and takes off her boots, flexing her toes in the soft, sweet grass. “Rey …” he whispers.

 

She stops and turns. “Ben?” What? No, he can’t have let that through. He knows he’s been careful. She sighs. He feels the danger pass.

 

He wants to be there with her. To feel the sunlight on his skin. To catch her small hands in his, rub circles on her back. He wants – _oh_ , how he wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Meaghan M/Juulna, Best Beta in the Beta Business. BB-2?
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing who puts up with a constant stream of "but what about the part where" "did you like when" and "does it make sense that".
> 
> And of course, thank you to my readers and commenters. You make me go "squeee!"


	8. Chapter 8

He’s standing at the well, in his local garb, feeling ridiculous. He’s not used to feeling the sun on his face and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He wasn’t sure what time Sai had meant, exactly, so he’s here, just waiting.

 

After what feels like an age, his virgin skin pinking in the strong Jakku sun, he sees Sai coming towards him. She’s wearing much more clothing, and looking a good deal like Rey did when he first laid eyes on her.

 

“I talked with Mama Gitah last night; she’s ready to meet you,” Sai says with no preamble.

 

“Thank you for being so … efficient.” He’s at a loss for how to hold himself without his mask and intimidating black cowl.

 

“This way.” She leads them to a large red tent behind Plutt’s place of business. It’s not as big as the patched monstrosity Plutt runs, but it has the same air of neglect and age. Sai opens the flap and bids him enter before her. Kylo stoops and walks through, blinking to adjust to the dark tent.

 

“Mama?” Sai calls out.

 

“Over here, child, over here.” Kylo sees a human woman lounging on a large pillow, a complicated tea service in front of her. She’s not old but not young either, with dark hair and clear blue eyes. She’s startling to look at. She seems to be above everything around her and yet completely at peace. He finds he’s instantly comfortable in her presence.

 

“So you’re the one seeking Rey. Sai never said your name.” She looks at him shrewdly.

 

Kylo pauses, and realizes he doesn’t know what name to give. He’s not ready to decide. “Poe.” It’s the first thing he thinks of and hopes the Pilot never finds out.

 

“Well, Poe …” She says it like she knows this isn’t his name. “You wish to know of our dear Rey.”

 

“Yes. Please,” he entreats. Sai gestures to a pillow as she takes a seat to Gitah’s left. Kylo settles into the offered seat.

 

“Rey … I never saw much of her after she became a young woman. She moved away from the main settlement, always keeping away from people, that one. I think she was afraid to find more people to lose. Her family … what they did to that girl by abandoning her here. It’s unforgivable.” Kylo agrees wholeheartedly.

 

“What do you know of her family?” He can’t keep from urging her on.

 

“Her family. I’m not exactly sure she has one. The man who left her here, I do not believe he was her father. He was strange, like nothing could touch him. He was kind enough to the girl but he didn’t seem like family. More duty, I would say.” Kylo’s heart sinks. He knows he can likely find the man’s face in Plutt’s mind, but this is another complication.

 

“He seemed like us though, a creature of sand and hardship. But his ship spoke of wealth and speed. He knew how to pilot it himself; he had no crew. Just him and a droid. An older model, if I recall correctly.” Gitah shifts and makes to pour tea for her guest.

 

“What was she like as a child?” Kylo can’t help but ask. He wants to know _everything_.

 

“The kindest, sweetest girl. Everything had to be fair. She saw only what was right, not what is. A hard way to be, in Niima. She never did get over that.” No, she hasn’t, he thinks.

 

“When the other children began to learn to scavenge and take they had trouble understanding the difference between what is free for the scavenge and what is another’s. It is a difficult concept. But not for her. She always understood what was available and what was not. She would get in fights to protect the smaller ones, what they found. Keep it from the bullies.” Kylo smiles at this. She has always been impossibly good, his light.

 

“But as soon as she knew how to fight with that staff of hers, she moved as far as she could from all of us. She never allowed herself to be one of us, even after all those years. I thought she would take a job on one of the ships that come through here. She could fix anything, our Rey. But she never did. Kept scavenging, kept waiting, kept avoiding all of us. When she was hurt, I think that was the only time she ever held still long enough for me to know even a bit of her.” Kylo is reminded of his … appointment with Poln tonight.

 

Kylo clears his throat. “Speaking of Poln, I feel it right to warn you that I will be looking for him tonight. I’ve no wish to disrupt your business after you have been so forthcoming.” He hopes she takes his meaning.

 

“I think that you have been coming for Poln for a long time,” Gitah says cryptically. Sai remains silent, but she looks pleased at the idea of Poln getting what has been coming for years. “He usually arrives at moonrise. I will refuse him entry.” She looks at Kylo with intent. He nods his understanding.

 

“Thank you,” he says softly. He sips his tea; it is strong with mint.

 

“Now, Poe.” She smiles as she says it. “Why do you wish to know so much about our Rey?” He should have known there would be a price to be paid for her largesse.

 

“She is … important to me.”

 

“She was always _important_ to the men of Niima.” Kylo bristles at the comparison.

 

“I … I wish to know her. I wish to find her family. I wish …” I wish to give her everything, he thinks. He’s not sure what strange spell Mama Gitah has woven, to un-stop his tongue so.

 

“You think if you bring her her family, she will accept you.” Mama Gitah knows the hearts of men.

 

“I don’t know. But I have to try.” It feels good to speak of his closely guarded thoughts, his furious longing hidden for so many months.

 

“Only Rey can choose you. Nothing you do will sway her. Either you are worthy or you are not. There are no games to play, gambits to try.” Kylo looks away. Afraid of the powerless truth in her words.

 

“I have to try,” he says again.

 

“And perhaps it is in the trying that she will see you.” Gitah shifts and begins to tidy the tea away. “Now, my girls must sleep before the evening. Men do not generally cross into the tent in daylight. It was only Sai’s emphatic pleading that swayed me.” Sai looks embarrassed.

 

“I thank you for your time, please, let me pay yo-”

 

“No. This was not done for portions. This was done because it is right. If you are to be who I hope for Rey, then I will not accept something so low as payment. Go, be safe from the sands.”

 

\---

 

He goes to his shuttle; it’s time to ensure everything is as he left it. As he enters he finds everything in place, undisturbed. He’s startled by the blinking light indicating a communication. He realizes he hasn’t thought of Snoke in days. He just left. He hasn’t thought about what he’s doing. He’s behaving like he’s beholden to none. What is he doing? He knows he’ll do anything to keep Rey safe. Does that necessitate leaving the First Order? He’s been acting like he’s already defected. Focused only on his personal mission, which has nothing at all to do with Snoke’s aims. Snoke, the voice in his head since as long as he can remember. Telling him how he will find peace, how the dark will set him free. And for a time it had almost worked.

 

Snoke had made him feel strong and righteous and in control in a way his uncle never could. Where he’d found pinched disapproval in Luke’s face, he’d found acceptance and praise from Snoke. Of course that had ended long ago, his constant failures now written on his skin, the endless pull of the light scrawled across his back in scars. But were they failures? Or was Snoke just _wrong_? Maybe he never really had to choose? These thoughts are dangerous. If Snoke ever found out just how far afield Kylo Ren has wandered, he doesn’t think punishment would be the consequence … it would be much more permanent. Kylo Ren knows he cannot be Snoke’s puppet any longer. He knows his father was right, that Snoke will cast him aside, sooner rather than later, he supposes.

 

He sits heavily in the pilot’s chair, staring at the blinking message light. He starts to breathe heavily. He feels like he’s underwater, that there is a great weight on his chest. He can’t catch his breath. What is he doing, what is he doing, _what is he doing?_ Is he really turning his back on everything he’s done for the last _15_ years? Can he? Does he want to? His heart is hammering in his chest and he’s gasping, fighting for air. Rey, he thinks desperately. Rey. Suddenly he feels her light and he’s calming down. She’s working on an X-Wing, on her back, her tongue caught between her teeth while she concentrates. She stills and he feels her goodness infuse him. She blinks and keeps working. He basks, and breathes, and _feels_ her.

 

His heart is returning to normal and his head is clearing. He knows he’s not going back. He doesn’t know how he’ll evade them, but he knows he has at least a month before they come looking for him. He’s only been gone five days. But escaping the shroud of darkness, the pall of order, has opened him up. He lets air fill his lungs and he deletes the message.

 

\---

 

It’s time to talk with Unkar Plutt. He knows more now; will know if he’s lying. He dons his black and his mask and goes to interrogate the pink, fleshy excuse for a man.

 

“You again,” Plutt grunts. “Already gone through all your portions?” He asks suggestively. “Saw you at the comfort tent, middle of the day – that takes many portions. Mama Gitah’s almost as hard a bargainer as I am.” Kylo ignores the ignorant fool.

 

“Tell me about Rey.”

 

“You mean that little brat who stole my ship? Good riddance to her, I say. After everything I did for her.” Kylo scans his mind _-pretty piece of trim, always too good for her Uncle Unkar, such a sweet little ass-_ Kylo growls in warning.

 

“Mind your mouth.” Plutt has no idea his inner thoughts are on display.

 

“What do you care about that ungrateful little slut?” Kylo raises his hand and starts to choke him with the Force.

 

“I believe I told you to _watch your mouth_.” He squeezes a little harder. “Now, if you will please tell me about Rey.” He lets go.

 

Unkar heaves over his counter, gasping for breath, fear in his eyes.

 

“Who are you? _What_ are you?” Plutt looks terrified.

 

“That is no business of yours. Now. Tell me _what I want to know_.” Kylo is enjoying this.

 

Unkar Plutt says in a panicked voice, “She’s just a scavenger, I took care of her when her family abandoned her, made sure she was safe, made sure that no one touched her.” Ren dips into his mind and sees Plutt grabbing her, _touching_ her _-come on, luv, you know how good I can make you feel -_ He sees him push her against the counter, watches Rey duck from under him and threaten him with her staff.

 

“No one but you, it would seem.”

 

“What? No, I neve– wait, how do you know that?” Plutt’s eyes narrow in suspicion and growing apprehension.

 

Kylo raises his hand and says, “I have my ways. Tell me about the day she was left; let me see.”

 

Plutt is thinking of a man in brown robes with a mechanical hand and a face Ben Solo knows as well as his own. Kylo hisses and withdraws.

 

“That man, you were just thinking of him, _how do you know him_?” Kylo says with anger and fear.

 

“That’s the man that left her here, told me to take care of her. I did, paid for her out of my own pocket, I did.” Kylo looks again and sees _his uncle_ pay Unkar Plutt a fortune in credits.

 

“Lies. You were paid and paid handsomely and yet she scrabbled and struggled for _years_.” His voice is very dangerous now.

 

Plutt knows he’s in mortal danger. “But I kept her safe,” he whimpers out.

 

“Safe? SAFE!” Kylo bellows. “I know about Poln and what he did to her. How if Mama Gitah hadn’t taken her in she would have ended up on her back!”

 

Plutt shrinks from the incensed man. Kylo Ren is very much himself right now. The pulse of his darkness is rioting through his blood.

 

“Did the man who left her here say anything about her family?” He remembers to ask that one final question.

 

“No, nothing, said she had no one, said she needed to be hidden.” Hidden? Who _is_ she?

 

“Anything else?”

 

“No, nothing, I swear. Please don’t kill me.”

 

“Oh no, you aren’t going to die today, Unkar Plutt. But I will be watching. No more cheating. No more taking advantage of scared little girls, no more living your pathetic life on the labors of the weak.” With that he takes his saber and obliterates Unkar’s store-front. Slashing and burning, metal rent from metal with a whining screech. Unkar huddles with his hands over his head, silent in his terror as he watches everything he has be destroyed by Kylo Ren’s vengeful fury.

 

He takes the portions and hands them to the nearest terrified scavenger and looks deeply into his soul. “You saw nothing out of the ordinary; you will distribute these fairly to all of the scavengers.” The man’s eyes go glassy and he says, “I saw nothing out of the ordinary; I will distribute these fairly to all of the scavengers.”

 

Kylo Ren strides away, not looking back. He has another stop to make while the sun is still high.

 

\---

 

He rents a speeder and gets directions to Rey’s AT-AT. As he’s gliding along the sands he thinks on what he has learned. _Luke_ brought her here. Luke _left_ her here. He feels like he’s at a dead end and can’t imagine a way forward. He can’t very well contact his uncle. Can he? No, that’s a step too far. He’ll have to figure something else out.

 

This will devastate her. Her Master did this to her. He must have wiped her memory. Is she really an orphan? Would he only be able to bring her more emptiness? She would want to know, though – of that alone he’s certain. He tries to imagine what it would be like to reach out to her and ask her to meet him. Is there any way she would? He can’t go to the Resistance; he’d be executed on sight. But perhaps she would come if he asked her … she _is_ very curious about him.

 

Why did Luke even have her in the first place? Wait. He’s remembering something. Why had Luke been away from the Academy 15 years ago? Oh Force. He was getting Rey. He’d been going to collect an orphan from Coruscant. Oh. Oh no. It’s his fault, his fault she was left on Jakku. If he’d never … It doesn’t matter. He’ll face it; he’ll face her fury, her wrath. He’ll wait and she’ll forgive him. She’s so good, and so kind … she’ll forgive him. She has to forgive him. _Look in the mirror and tell me how forgiving she is,_ he thinks. He knows she isn’t only light – he knows she has rage and anger and pain – but somehow it never breaks her the way it broke him.

 

Luke left her on Jakku to protect her from _him_. How can he tell her this? He feels the path to Rey lengthen exponentially.

 

\---

 

He’s standing outside of her downed AT-AT, maskless, its foot as tall as he is. He circles it, looking for anything suspicious. It’s been left empty for nearly a year now and he would prefer not to come across another scavenger. This is Rey’s _home._ He finds the entrance, swiping back the blanket that serves as a door. He enters gently, mindful of his large frame. The first thing he notices is that it’s been picked clean. He should have expected it, but he still feels a stifled fury that anyone dared desecrate his Rey’s sanctuary. The next thing he sees steals the breath from his chest and the beats from his heart. He goes to his knees.

 

Hundreds, no, _thousands_ of marks along the walls. Each a day, a day she’s been alone. A day since she’s been loved. Oh Rey … He burns for her fiercely in that moment, wanting to hold her to him, wanting to chase it all away. He wants to give her a new reason to mark the walls; one mark for every day that she’s treasured. One slash for every day she’s desired. One check for every day she’s chosen, wanted, loved. Yes, damn it. On his knees in this empty shell filled with choking loneliness, he can deny it no longer. He loves her. With the entirety of his being he loves his scavenger girl and he vows she will never feel like this ever again. She won’t have to count her pain, track her desperation, measure her anguish, not ever again. He’ll stand between her and everything; he’ll be her strength and slay all her dragons. Because he loves her.

 

He staggers out of the AT-AT, shaky from his realization. He feels cleansed by the sands, this purity of feeling. He loves her. Not because of what she can give him. He may never be in her presence again. But he’s filled up with the glowing beauty of unconditional love. He’s giving off a faint glint in the twilight. He understands now. The light, the dark. How wrong both sides have been. One denying love because of attachment, the other because of weakness. But no, love is the purity of the Force and he’s finally free.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Meaghan M/Juulna, for being both an excellent and speedy beta! She wrangles my random punctuation and rogue tenses into something readable. Really couldn't do it without you, babe.
> 
> Thank you to Mr. Downing, who patiently pauses the TV every time I get a new comment so I can read it to him.
> 
> Thank you to you wonderful Reylo ladies (gents?)! A truly great fandom and I'm honored to be among you.
> 
> And, a special thanks to Huy, for inspiring the droids as ducklings scene in the last chapter. You rock!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poln is going down!

The sun is setting and it’s time. Time to meet Adric Poln. Time to show him what happens to men who hurt Rey.

 

Donning his helmet again, he makes his way back to Niima. The rented speeder is fast and surprisingly powerful. He returns it to the yard and leaves the rest of his portions with the shocked little man. He’s leaving tonight and has no need of them.

 

He hears a commotion at the comfort tent. He knows what’s happening. He moves quickly, his long strides making quick work of the pavilion between him and the tent.

 

“–at do you mean I can’t come in?” An ugly brute of a man is gesticulating wildly. “I pay good portions here, now let me in.”

 

“Adric Poln.” Kylo Ren’s voice is like ice.

 

“Yeah, who’s askin’,” the ugly man grunts.

 

“You beat the young woman Rey seven years ago,” Kylo hisses, sounding very much like a snake about to strike.

 

Poln looks confused, like he can’t really think back that far. “What, that piece of trash?”

 

Kylo won’t use the Force for this. No, he’s going to use his fists. He grabs Poln around the neck and throws him to the ground. “If you know what’s good for you you’ll stay down.”

 

But Poln has never been considered bright and he scrambles to his feet. “What do you care what happened to a nothing girl like her? She didn’t have nobody; no one cared. Where were you, then, huh?” Oh, Kylo thinks, if I’d but known of her I would have ripped apart the galaxy to get to her.

 

Kylo just pulls his fist back and punches Poln straight in the face, bone crunching under his powerful blow. Poln staggers and catches himself on a nearby rock. He barrels forward, catching Kylo around the waist. Kylo uses the man’s momentum against him, sending him crashing to the ground. “Stay. Down.” Kylo bellows.

 

Poln tries to pull himself up, but Kylo kicks him in the gut. Poln whimpers in pain, blood streaming down his face.

 

“Why do you care so much?” He gasps out.

 

“Because. She. Is. _Mine_.” Kylo growls as he draws back and kicks Poln viciously between his legs; kicks again and again until he’s certain Poln will never visit the comfort tent again. He’s about to pull out his saber, end it all, when he feels strongly: _don’t kill him_! He hesitates. His bloodlust is tremendous and oh how he wants to kill this man. _No!_ Rings out in his head. Rey? He senses for her – she’s only reading a holo in her bed. He shakes his head, clearing it.

 

“You will never hurt another woman. If you do I will come and I will find you and I will finish the job I so dearly wish to this night.”

 

His energy high, he stalks to the shuttle, the incandescent anger still running, thrumming through him. He wants to turn around and kill Adric Poln. He doesn’t deserve mercy. But something stayed his hand tonight and it was a fierce feeling. He can’t come to her with more blood on his hands, he decides. This is what stopped him. If he’s really going to do this – _do what,_ floats through his mind – he must find himself again. Again? He never knew himself to begin with. He remembers never feeling safe in his own skin even as a small child. The pull of this ever-present power and the dark legacy of his grandfather. He stops abruptly, standing in the sands.

 

_Grandfather._ He hasn’t thought of Darth Vader in days, weeks … months? Her all-consuming light taking in his obsessive nature. He’s abandoned his quest without a second thought. Was it so meaningless; so empty? When Snoke first approached him, made him feel seen, special in his own right and not that of his famous parents and uncle, he’d spoken of Vader’s legacy. He’d said that Vader was the last truly great practitioner of the Dark Side; that the Emperor had become nothing more than a petty bureaucrat. But Vader, his grandfather, had _truly_ understood and mastered the Dark Side of the Force. Snoke wove such entrancing tales, telling Kylo how he could follow in his footsteps; make the Dark Side mighty again. This was a legacy he could see himself continuing. He wasn’t a rogue like his father, and he’d never be a diplomat or chief of state like his mother. He clearly couldn’t be a Jedi like his uncle. But this, this he could do. And after a childhood full of loneliness, despair and constant, endless failure, he’d grasped at this idea desperately. He would make Grandfather proud.

 

He remembers his uncle pleading with him to understand that Darth Vader was a figment, that Anakin Skywalker was the true man. That he died for love, the love of his children, that he died redeemed. Kylo remembers Anakin’s wife, Padme. _Grandmother_? He had never thought of her before and now he considers the story anew as he begins walking again. Now that he’s willing to risk everything, anything, all for his perfect, precious girl, his perspective is changing. He’d always thought his grandfather was weak for succumbing to sentiment, that he had finally set himself free when he broke Padme’s heart. This act the catalyst for greatness. But now he wonders. Wonders if he’s had it wrong all along. That his grandfather _was_ weak, weak for throwing everything away, weak for not doing whatever it took to keep his love close and safe and always, _always_ near. He could never hurt his Rey the way that Anakin had hurt Padme.

 

He thinks of his revelation at Rey’s home. He remembers the blissful feeling of balance, completion, as both sides of his nature finally, _finally_ sang together. Love had made that possible in him. No, _surrender_ to that love had made it possible. Letting it in, acknowledging it, allowing it to course through him had ended the torment inside of him.

 

How could both the Dark and the Light be so very wrong about love, attachment, passion? When had Force-sensitives become so lost as to have turned their backs on the essential truth of the Force? Love was the truest expression of the Force. And he’s spent years, so many years, trying to stamp out any love inside of him. His father. He _killed_ his own father. The pain rushes in quickly, taking him over. He stumbles, all his illusions crumbling like so much sand beneath his boots, sifting through his hands and leaving them empty. Nothing, _nothing_ he has done for years, for half of his life has meant _anything_. Everything he’s done … oh Force, what he’s done. He staggers in front of his shuttle, ripping his helmet off. Tears stream down his face. He sits heavily on the ground.

 

“Grandfather, Grandfather, help me,” he begs. “Has it all been a lie?” He’s looking up at the sky.

 

He’s crying great heaving sobs of soul-deep pain. “What have I done? Force what _have I done_?” He wraps his arms around himself and rocks, weeping, fat tears falling from his pain-filled eyes. He feels like he can never stop crying; that he’ll never feel in control again. The blissful peace of earlier, the light of Rey is so very far away. He is a _monster_ and deserves none of it. How dare he love Rey? He’s been stealing what he has no right to. Will he never stop failing?

 

“Oh Ben.” He whips his head around, seeking the voice. He sees a man limned with faint blue, translucent in the night.

 

“Who are you?” Kylo shudders out.

 

“Don’t you recognize me, grandson?”

 

“Grandfather? Is it you, is it really you?” He’s wanted this ever since he’d heard of how his uncle had seen old Ben Kenobi in times of great need. “Where have you _been_?” His voice cracks; he sounds so young.

 

“I’ve always been here, watching. You just weren’t able to hear me. You couldn’t see me, not while you were so bound up in Snoke.” Anakin Skywalker says gently.

 

“But, I’ve begged and searched and I _needed_ you so much.” He’s sniffling and sounding every inch the lost little boy he is inside. “They never understood me, I thought, maybe you … You lived with the dark side, you know its power. You …”

 

“Let it consume my soul and take the one thing that ever mattered to me.” Anakin’s eyes are infinitely sad.

 

“Padme,” Ben whispers.

 

“Yes. I was as wrong as a man can be. Now, the Jedi Council, they were wrong too, mind you. But I am the one that made those choices. I am the one who took my saber to children, just as you took yours to your father.” Anakin is kind even as he’s relentless.

 

Ben closes his eyes and shudders. More tears fall.

 

“I... I don’t know what to do. I gave up everything, _everyone,_ because I just wanted it to stop – the constant war, the never-ending torment, eating me alive. I … I … I killed my father. Oh Grandfather, I murdered my own _father_ , daddy, oh daddy I’m so sorry,” he sobs. He is breaking wide open, rivers of pain bursting out of him. He’s begun to hiccup from crying so hard. “H-h-ow am I going to live with myself?”

 

“You just will. You’ll find a way to forgive yourself.” Anakin moves to stand next to him.

 

“No, never, I won’t ever forgive myself. I don’t deserve it, I don’t deserve anything. Oh Maker, why was I even _born_? All I’ve ever done is hurt and hurt and _hurt_ , me, my family, _Rey_.” He buries his face in his hands and sobs to himself, “Oh Rey …”

 

“Shhh, oh my sweet boy, shhhh.” Anakin soothes.

 

“Grandfather … I don’t know what to do.” Ben is so lost and more confused than he has ever been.

 

“You are at a crossroads and I can finally talk with you. You’ve found something that matters more to you than your pain.”

 

Ben nods at the truth of this. He’s watching as everything he ever thought he knew about himself is unravelling. Slowly at first, but since the dream it’s come undone so quickly. He can’t keep up. “Everything has changed – everything. All I know is that I love Rey.” He lets out a heaving breath.

 

“You found your balance,” Anakin says knowingly.

 

“I–” Ben stops, thinking. “Yes, I don’t feel the light and dark breaking me apart. It’s like music, they sing together.” His tears have slowed, and he wipes his eyes roughly with his sleeve. “But now I’m in a new torment.”

 

“Ah. The war of where you want to be and where your choices have chained you,” Anakin says with compassion.

 

“I don’t know if I can ever go home,” Ben says brokenly. His shoulders are hunched and this beast of a man looks small and vulnerable.

 

“You can always go home. There is always forgiveness. I wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t. My son, he forgave me – he will forgive you.”

 

“Not after what he thinks I did. He thinks I slaughtered them all, he doesn’t know I never–” He stops. Of course his grandfather knows, he must have seen.

 

“You will explain. He will understand. He will forgive you. Your mother already has.”

 

“Mother?” Ben looks frightened and just a little hopeful.

 

“My daughter is made of much better stuff than either of us. Your mother just wants you _home_.”

 

“And … Rey?”

 

Anakin is quiet for a long time. “There you have a bit more work to do. She never knew you before. But I do believe she _wants_ to know you. You haven’t done yourself any favors hiding in her head for almost a year.”

 

“I know. I always knew. I just … I couldn’t stop; _can’t_ stop. I need her.” Ben says this with such aching longing.

 

“You need to be worthy of her, that’s what you need. You have a chance at something great, something few ever experience. Force Bonds don’t just happen to anyone. There must be some sort of affinity. But you have a good deal to think about and you should _go home_ sooner rather than later. It’s time to grow up, my boy.” Anakin says the last firmly. He turns, making as if to leave.

 

“Wait, don’t go. Please don’t go.”

 

“You have everything you need in front of you. You know where you’ve been, you know where you want to go, you know what you have to do. There’s nothing else for me to tell you.”

 

“But I’ve waited so long for this, to talk to you and … I just … I don’t want you to go.” Ben sounds young again.

 

“Know that I’m always here, watching. You’re my only grandchild, Ben; I am always with you.”

 

“Will I see you again?”

 

“Oh, most assuredly,” Anakin says as he drifts away.

 

“Grandfather …” Ben sighs.

 

He staggers into his shuttle and goes to the ‘fresher. He splashes his face with water and looks in the mirror. His eyes are red, but seem changed. He touches the scar she gave him; he never could find it in himself to be bothered. She’d marked him as her own.

 

He takes a great, heaving breath and lays down, looking out the starport.

 

He finds half of him still wants to just cry and cry, wallow in his self-pity and misery. But he knows that’s how he got here in the first place. He can’t just give in anymore. He needs Rey but feels like he doesn’t deserve her. He feels her in his chest anyway, seeping into him. Wrapping tendrils around his heart, caressing his soul. He feels held and comforted and it’s so very right.

He feels cleansed. His tears have taken some of the anger away and now he feels like he has a new purpose. Find who he is; Ben Solo, Kylo Ren, is he one or the other, neither, both? He no longer feels the conflict between his dark and his light, he knows now they can work in concert. But he does not know who he is as a man. He has done too much; said too little. He cannot, will not come to her this broken thing. He will be better.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Meaghan M/Juulna/BB-2, who keeps me on track and forces me to be so much better. I haven't quite worked up to using a semi-colon on my own yet, but I'm slowly figuring out how the punctuation works in dialog. Kinda.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who let me write all weekend. I'm up to 50,000 words and 19 chapters.
> 
> Thank you for all the amazing comments, they really inspire me to keep on chugging.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello Leia, nice to see you around these parts!

He wakes oddly refreshed. He feels strong. He feels his new purpose fill him up. He’s not going to be afraid of himself anymore. He’s not going to fight himself anymore.

 

He’s about to check on Rey when he pauses.

 

He has to stop spying on her. He can’t keep lurking in her mind the way he has been. It was never right, and now he can’t hide from that any longer. He has to stop. And doesn’t that hurt just like cutting off a limb? The thought of not being able to bask in her light, float in her thoughts, listen to her days… it makes him cold and lonely just thinking of it. What will he do without his precious girl? He won’t block the Bond, he decides, but he won’t go looking either. Whatever filters through will filter through. That way he’ll feel if she’s in trouble. He has to make sure she’s safe, if nothing else.

 

He knows he has to be honorable about the Bond from now on. He needs to be able to tell her he stopped of his own accord. But, oh, it will be so very hard to be away from his light. He feels that she’s happy today and he tries to be satisfied with that.

 

He’s orbiting Jakku and needs to decide where to go next. He considers continuing to follow the known trail of Rey. Going to Takodana, talking with Maz. Facing Maz after all this time would be a special sort of hell, he thinks. She is probably not very happy with him, but that’s alright – _he_ isn’t either.

 

For the first time in his life he finds that he has no one to tell him what to do. It’s terrifying. He realizes how he’s gone from one Master to another, always beholden, always _obeying_. He doesn’t want that any longer, he knows that most certainly. Can he follow Grandfather’s advice? Can he go home, just like that? If he does, he’ll need to contact his mother, hope that she’ll meet him somewhere other than the base on D’Qar.  This will all be a very short mission if he ends up executed for crimes against the galaxy. He flinches as he realizes it would be perfectly just. He will atone, he will make amends. He’ll give them everything he’s ever known about the First Order, he’ll help them bring down Snoke. He’ll do anything and everything they ask. He just needs a chance to be with Rey. Just a chance.

 

He realizes he’s already made the decision to contact his mother; that there was never really a choice to make. The further he is from Snoke’s influence, the clearer his head. It’s as if a great black blanket has been lifted from around his shoulders. It was suffocating and heavy and cloaked everything in its cloying scent.

 

He goes to the middle of the floor in the main cabin of the shuttle, and then sits down to prepare to meditate and attempt to contact his mother. He hasn’t done this in a _very_ long time. She might refuse to speak with him entirely. He remembers the conversation she had with Rey, however, and he’s cautiously hopeful.

 

As he sits, he takes in deep, full breaths and lets his mind expand, opening up to the galaxy, sensing the life pulsing throughout the solar systems. He concentrates on his mother’s Force signature, remembering how it always felt like her embraces did, warm and firm and oh so constant. He reaches and reaches and reaches, stretching out, opening himself fully.

 

_Mother._

_…_

 

_Mother, it’s Ben. I need to talk with you._

_..._

 

_Mother, I mean you no harm. I just wish to speak with you._

_…._

 

_Mother, please._

 

_…_

 

_…_

 

_Ben._

 

_Mother._ He nearly loses the connection in his relief. _Mother, I’m so sorry._

 

_Ben, I … I don’t know what to say, I never thought I would ever speak to you again. Especially after what happened … on Starkiller._

 

_I know. I know there is nothing I can say to take it back, but please believe me that I would give anything to be able to do so. I wish so desperately that I’d never even heard the name Snoke. But I can’t keep this up for much longer. Will you meet with me?_ He’s desperate, this _must_ work.

 

_I don’t know how I can possibly trust you._

 

_I know, I understand but there are things I need to say, I want to come home and I need your help._

 

_Home? You want to come home. Truly?_

 

_Yes Mother, truly. Will you meet me?_

 

_… We’ll meet on Cathne, in the main city. Tell me where you are, I’ll send you coordinates._

 

_I’m orbiting Jakku, my call code is Zed 4982739. It will take me two days to get there._

 

_Fine, fine._

 

_I must go, I’m getting very tired. I ... I love you Mother._

 

_..._

 

His eyes open sluggishly, completely exhausted. He’s very out of practice with his Light Side skills. He wonders if he can even heal anyone anymore.

 

The coordinates are already waiting for him. He enters them into the computer and he’s in hyper-space again, going to see his mother for the first time in 18 years. He’s terrified.

 

He drags himself to his bed and falls into a deep slumber.

 

\---

 

He wakes 14 hours later and it’s the middle of the night. He’s very disoriented and _hungry_. He makes his way to the small galley and finds some rations. He doesn’t bother to heat them, just starts eating the tasteless sustenance. He leans against the counter and contemplates how things have changed so quickly.

 

Though, if he’s honest with himself, reality has only shifted to match what was already inside him. He’d been changing this whole time, just hiding it from himself, as well as Snoke. Rey is reorganizing him on a cellular level. From the moment he first felt her, felt that delectable light fill him up, he was lost. He sees it now, looking back, how inevitable this path truly was. Maybe from the moment he held her on Takodana. At the time he’d convinced himself he was doing his duty, getting the map. But now he can admit to himself that he just _wanted_ her. He didn’t give a damn about the map as soon as he saw _her_. So perhaps this all started from the moment he heard about ‘the girl.’  It didn’t really matter when, only that it all seems inevitable now. He’d been powerless to stop it and now he knows he will never want to.

 

If only he’d understood himself better then. He could have taken her and run. Rescued her from _Starkiller_ , treated her gently and kindly. She would have accepted him as her teacher, and his father would still be alive … He knows this sort of thinking is fruitless, but it’s a beautiful fantasy. He finishes his meal and stands by the large window, watching the blue of hyper-space drift by.

 

He imagines how she might feel about him if he had rescued Rey, instead of the Traitor coming back for her. She wouldn’t have any reason to care for FN-2187; he wouldn’t be so special to her. He feels a twinge of accusation at that – or guilt, he supposes. He shouldn’t deny her her friendships. He has no wish to own her. He wants her to want him with the same intensity. He wants her to love him the way he loves her. But he’s getting ahead of himself. First, he needs to convince his mother to help him meet with Luke. Luke can tell him where Rey was found on Coruscant. He won’t come to Rey with nothing.

 

He spends the rest of the night and the next day reading and thinking about Rey. He misses her with an intensity that’s nearly crippling but he’s determined to respect her privacy from now on. He still gets glances and impressions but he stays in his own head. He sometimes feels hesitant touches through the Bond and he wonders if her subconscious is so used to his that she’s reaching out. He savors these little touches; they’re like gentle caresses on his soul. He wants to kiss her so badly. Wants to enter her dreams and seduce her. Wants to reroute the shuttle and go to D’Qar, self-preservation be damned if he can just _hold_ her in his arms. Being without her is driving him insane.

 

Tomorrow he will see his mother. He’s very nervous about what he’ll say, what she’ll say. What he’ll _do_. He’s afraid he’s just going to burst into tears and blubber all over her like a 5-year-old. Now that he’s stopped lying to himself he knows he’s missed her terribly. He may still be angry at some of her choices when he was a child, but perspective is returning and he does know one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt: his mother once loved him fiercely and only time will tell if he’s broken that irreparably.

 

\---

 

She’s waiting for him in a private room in a quiet restaurant in the shopping district. Her hair is faded, her face more lined, but it is his mother and his eyes fill with tears instantly. Before he even knows what he’s doing, he’s on his knees in front of her, holding her tightly around the waist, burying his face in the folds of her dress, crying, begging, and keening. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Mommy I’m so sorry,” he says over and over again into the fabric. He feels her arms come around him and he barely hears her through his tears and desperate apologies.

 

“Ben, Ben, oh Ben, I know. I know. Shhhh, it’s alright, shhhh.” She strokes his head and he finally quiets. She lifts his face so she can look at him. “My handsome boy. You’ve grown into yourself, I see.” She wipes the tears from his face with the long practiced hand of a mother. It feels so good to be touched with care and love. It’s been such a long time since he’s been touched with gentleness; pain his only companion since he was a young man.

 

He remembers himself and staggers to his feet. Her hands drop to her sides but there’s a tension, as if she doesn’t want to stop holding him.

 

“No, not hardly. I don’t think I’ve grown at all,” he says miserably. He feels foolish, having done _exactly_ what he promised himself he wouldn’t. He will always, _always_ find his way back to that weak and grasping boy _Ben Solo_ , he thinks wretchedly.

 

The silence stretches, and he doesn’t know what to say, but he knows it’s up to him to say something. “I’ve left Snoke, the First Order, all of it. They don’t know yet. I think I have a few weeks, maybe a month, before they come looking. I’m supposed to be on a mission.” The words rush out in a hurried mess.

 

“I see. And why are you telling me this?” His mother is now the General and he finds that’s almost easier.

 

“I need your help,” he says baldly.

 

“Why would the Resistance help you?” He notices she doesn’t say _she_ won’t help him.

 

“I’ll tell you everything I know. Base locations, access codes. I’ll help you find Snoke. I have no loyalty to them any longer.” He says the last bitterly.

 

“Why should I believe you? You killed your _father_ to seal your loyalty to Snoke.” Her eyes have lost their warmth.

 

“I – I know. I – you have to believe me; I would do anything, give _anything_ to take it back. I thought … I thought it would make things better. I thought it would stop the Force ripping me apart.” He knows there’s nothing he can say to explain, to make it better. Oh, Maker, why is he here?

 

“And did it?” Her words are ice.

 

“No. It made it worse. I knew it was the worst thing I had ever done, ever could do, as soon as the light left his eyes,” he chokes out.

 

“Yes. It was.” He will get no quarter from her. “Why are you here?”

 

“I want to come home.”

 

“There’s something you’re not telling me. It’s been almost a year since you killed my husband. Why _now_?”

 

“I do need something, before I can come home.” He looks away. How to explain without telling her everything? “I need to speak with Luke and I know he won’t talk to me unless you ask him to.”

 

“Why do you need to talk to Luke?” She says with suspicion.

 

He runs his hand through his hair and huffs with frustration. “I need you to promise you won’t reveal what I’m about to tell you.”

 

“I can’t promise that. If it affects the safety of my people, of the Resist-”

 

“No, it doesn’t. It’s … personal.” He can’t believe he’s going to talk to her about this.

 

“Alright, I promise, but if I need to reveal it for security reasons, I will in a heartbeat.” Her tone is like iron.

 

“It won’t affect that, I promise.” He sighs and looks down. He feels like he’s telling her about his first girlfriend. He supposes, in a way, he is. “Back on _Starkiller_ … with Rey …” He can’t figure out how to word it.

 

“Rey? What does Rey have to do with this?” Leia is concerned now.

 

“We … I don’t know how, I didn’t do it on purpose, but we formed a Force Bond.”

 

“You what? Oh Ben, that was incredibly foolish and selfish of you.”

 

“I told you, I didn’t do it on purpose!” He sounds petulant. “I don’t think _I_ did it at all; I think it was just because I used the Force on her, to read her mind, and she pushed back.” He looks ashamed.

 

“Why didn’t Rey _tell_ me?” Leia says, almost to herself.

 

“She doesn’t know.”

 

“What? How could she possibly not know?” His mother sounds angry now.

 

“I hid it from her; she never knew I was there. She still doesn’t.” His voice is very small.

 

“So you’ve been what, spying on us this whole time, _using_ Rey?” Oh the General is fierce now.

 

“No, Mother, no it’s noth-”

 

“Of all the underhanded, dirty tricks, I can’t believe you would do this. She’s been having dreams, you know. What have you been _doing_ to her?” Leia is very protective of Rey. “I thought she wanted to forgive you, but you’ve just been manipulat-”

 

“No! No, I haven’t, I swear I haven’t, not that. I … I love her.” He needs her to understand; to believe him.

 

Leia goes completely silent. Ben looks at her, waiting for her to tell him he’s not good enough, that the best thing he can do is run to the Outer Rim and never come back, that he’s disgusting for even _thinking_ of Rey in that way. But Leia just looks at him. And looks at him.

 

Finally she says, “You love her.” Her tone is flat and vaguely incredulous.

 

“At first it was just her light, it was so beautiful. She’s so _clean_. I was afraid to lose it … lose her. I thought, if she knew, she’d block it.”

 

“As well she should have. You’ve been lurking in her _mind_ , what does that even do to a person?”

 

“I don’t know! I didn’t think about it. I just … I just needed her.” His hands flail helplessly. He’s frustrated as he realizes he took a terrible risk with her mind.

 

“You never did think about the consequences of your actions,” Leia mutters.

 

“Is she alright?” He asks beseechingly.

 

“Don’t you know, living in her head?” Leia says with a spark of her old fire.

 

“No. I … I don’t look anymore. I can tell if she’s in danger, or something significant, but I’ve stopped looking.”

 

“I see. Perhaps you’re learning something after all.” Leia moves to sit and gestures for Ben to join her. He folds his frame awkwardly into the too-small chair. “She was fine when I left,” she says.

 

“I mean, do you think … do you think the Bond has hurt her in any way?” His eyes are full of fear.

 

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. She’s seemed like herself for the most part. Except for her dreams,” Leia says with reproach.

 

“I only went into her dreams the one time.”

 

“When you saved her.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well I did say I thought that was in your character …”  Leia laughs slightly.

 

“You did. Thank you, Mother. Thank you for still believing in me.”

 

“Ben … this is a great deal to take in. You want to come home, you’ve been camping in Rey’s mind for _months_ , you’ve fallen in _love_ with her and now you’re ready to turn your back on the First Order just like that … it’s almost too much to believe. And to top it all off, you want me to convince _Luke_ to talk with you ...” She sighs. “Why do you want to speak with him, anyway?”

 

“I want to find Rey’s family. He’s the one who left her on Jakku.”

 

“Luke wouldn’t do that, he would never abandon her like that.”

 

“Well I saw him in the head of Unkar Plutt, the miserable excuse of a man he left her with.”

 

“Why … why wouldn’t he say anything? Why would he _do_ that?” Leia looks confused and a little hurt.

 

“I don’t know, but you can be sure I’ll be asking him. I know he collected her from Coruscant, and that she was an orphan, but I _have_ to find out more. She needs this, Mother. _I_ need this, to do something for her, to show her that I’m serious.” He looks at her, pleading with his eyes.

 

“You really do love her, don’t you?” She says in wonder.

 

“Yes, utterly. I would do anything for her,” Ben says with conviction.

 

“And I suppose you already know where the base is?” Leia always did think on her feet.

 

“Yes, I know almost everything Rey knows. I never told them anything, I promise,” he says emphatically.

 

“And you’ll tell her about this Bond, _soon_?” She looks at him with the eyes of his mother, like she’ll know if he lies.

 

“Yes, I will, as soon as I have something to offer her; some way of atoning.” He has to try to prove himself to her, show his sincerity.

 

“And you’ll stay out of her head?”

 

“Yes, I promise.”

 

“I’ll speak with Luke. I’ll send you a message if he’s willing to meet. Meanwhile … may I speak with the Resistance leaders about some sort of deal? I can’t bring you onto the base without something in place. You’re serious about this, about defecting?” She has hope in her tone. It’s clear she desperately wants him home.

 

“Yes, absolutely. I was wrong – about everything. I know I can never change the horrible things I’ve done, but maybe I can help bring down the First Order … put things right.” His voice is strong.

 

Leia looks away. He can see she’s preparing to say something difficult. “I don’t know how to look at you. You’re my son. You will always be my son. But what you’ve done … your father, oh Ben, your _father_.” He feels the pain, now so familiar in his chest. The howling ache that’s never far away.

 

“I know, I know Mother. I’ll understand if you never forgive me.”

 

“It’s not forgiveness that’s the problem. If you ever have children you’ll understand. I forgave you immediately. You’re my son. It’s learning to live with you again. Learning to see his smile on your face and not have it rip me apart. I’m not sure you know what it’s like to love someone the way that I love him.” She’s so small now, her power dimmed.

 

“I don’t know how either. But I hope you’ll try. I’ve … I’ve missed you so much.” He’s fighting tears again. Force, has he ever cried so much in his life? He’s cried more in the last week than he has since he became a man. “I _do_ think I understand about loving someone like that. She changed everything, _everything_ ,” he says it like it’s a sacrament.

 

“Perhaps you do. Only time will tell.” She sighs and stands up. “I have things I must see to.”

 

He stands and holds his arms out to her hesitantly. She steps into his embrace and she seems so _tiny_ next to him. He bends his head down over hers and whispers, “I love you Mama.”

 

“Oh Ben. I love you, too. That’s something that will never change.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Meaghan M/Juulna/BB-2, who really understands how to Beta.
> 
> Thank you to Mr. Downing, who brought me flowers last night because he's proud of me.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who is reading and commenting. I wrote their reunion and it's killing me not to spoil my own story.


	11. Chapter 11

He’s been orbiting Cathne for days, trying to be patient, but he’s going out of his mind. He’s starting to get paranoid; he’s thinking of all the ways the First Order might decide it’s been too long and come for him. He wishes he hadn’t deleted that message, but there hasn’t been another so he hopes it won’t matter. He misses Rey ferociously. The temptation to just float with her is constant. He thinks if he were an addict in the grips of withdrawal it would be easier. But he’s firm in his resolve. He’s promised his mother and he’s never going to disappoint her again if he can help it. He knows that keeping out of Rey’s head is imperative. Now that he feels the whisper of hope that he might have her, truly have her, he knows that he has to stay away. He must be able to tell her that he stopped on his own, that he really does respect her privacy. He almost wishes he never let himself lose control when he watched her undress, but he treasures the memory so deeply that he can’t bring himself to regret it. He hopes he never has to explain _that_.

 

He’s read every holo on board and he’s likely paced a hole in the flooring. He feels caged and he feels more alone than he can remember. He was always dangerously lonely; he’d grown to accept that was what his life would be. But the past months with Rey banished his loneliness and he’s forgotten how to cope. He hopes his mother contacts him soon.

 

\---

 

He’s lying in bed, imagining his arms around Rey, drifting in and out of consciousness. Finally, sleep takes hold.

 

\---

 

“Ben.” Rey is sitting on his bed, looking at him with wariness.

 

“Rey …” He’s so happy to see her. “I’ve missed you, oh how I’ve missed you.”

 

“I know you have, I know. That’s why I’m here. I … I don’t like you to suffer so. But … it’s only been a week.”

 

“You don’t understand; you don’t know what you mean to me.” Ben looks at her with fierce intensity. He hesitates and then reaches for her hand, holding her eyes, silently asking permission. She nods faintly. He takes her hand in both of his and presses her small palm between them, curling his fingers around hers. He closes his eyes and savors the feeling of touching her. Finally touching her, even if it’s only in a dream. She’s letting him and it’s all he can do to keep from shaking. He opens his eyes and lifts her hand to his lips and gently kisses her wrist, laying her hand against his cheek. She holds herself rigidly but presses her fingers lightly against his face. He shudders then takes her hand down, keeping it firmly in his.

 

“It’s very kind of my subconscious to give me this gift,” he says quietly.

 

Her eyes fly up to his and then she looks down at their hands. “Uh, yes, very kind.”

 

“You’re just as I remember you. You’re so beautiful. I’ve never been able to tell you that before, tell you how sorry I am for hurting you. For everything on _Starkiller_.” His dark eyes are full of anguish and entreaty. He brushes a thumb along her palm.

 

“I don’t know how to feel about any of it.”

 

“Just give me time, please, that’s all I ask. I’m changing. I’m not the man you knew.”

 

“I wouldn’t be here if you were,” she says, not unkindly.

 

“I went to Jakku,” he says with a smile. “I met Mama Gitah. Recovering in a comfort tent!” He teases.

 

“Well I couldn’t very well stand up and leave!” She says indignantly.

 

“I know, my precious girl, I know. She was a fascinating person. I found I liked her very much.” He smiles at her.

 

“Well, I’m sure you enjoyed your time in the comfort tent,” she says coldly.

 

He realizes she’s misunderstood completely and he panics. “No!” He clasps her hand tightly to his chest, pulling her quickly forward. “Never, I would never – not, not now. I wish not _ever_.” He looks ashamed.

 

“I have no claim on you,” she says with a falsely calm tone.

 

“Oh, but you do. I was yours the moment I saw you. You must know there can be no one for me but you; not now. Perhaps it was always true. I simply didn’t know someone like you could even exist. I would never, couldn’t ever, look at another once I knew of you. Please understand.” His tone is desperate and he can tell he’s frightening her a little. He releases her hand. “I apologize if I have been too forward, it’s just … to actually have you here in front of me, even if you’re only a dream. It’s overwhelming.”

 

“Why did you hide from me?” She asks suddenly.

 

“I see, we’ll be playing out my fears in this dream … I hid because I was frightened. Frightened I would lose you.”

 

“But you never had me to begin with,” she says with confusion. He hates the truth in her words.

 

“Your light, I was afraid of losing your light. It didn’t start out this way. I didn’t … care for you as I do now. At first I just enjoyed the feeling of your light. It’s quite heady to someone steeped in the Dark who came from the Light. It was pure and feels like home.” He’s not being entirely honest.

 

“What aren’t you telling me?” She says suspiciously.

 

“Oh Rey … Can’t a man have his pride?”

 

“When he’s been hiding in my damned head for nearly a year, no, he doesn’t get to have _anything_ to hide behind,” she says hotly.

 

He puts his hands up in a gesture of surrender. “That’s fair. I know it will take you a long time to trust me. I hope in time you will understand why I did it. At first I simply … noticed you. I didn’t know why, couldn’t really discern why I was reacting so … extremely to you. Now I think it was your incredible strength in the Force. It drew me to you, pulled me toward you. I was helpless. I couldn’t think clearly, I just … I just needed you. I still do. You’re right, I was lost from the beginning. I don’t know why I tried to say otherwise,” he says, nearly whispering the final part.

 

“Couldn’t you trust me, trust me to listen to you?” This makes him sit up straighter and tilt his head. He’s never thought of it that way.

 

“No … I … My life has not left me inclined to trust, especially around things that matter to me.” The air is heavy with all the things he’s not saying.

 

“But, you never even gave me a chance!” She looks angry. “You just came into my head and took whatever you felt like. It’s just like in that horrible chair!” She’s blazing now. His throat is tight and his heart is aching. He’s never realized the parallels. He feels ill. “You’re just so selfish, you never think about what you’re doing to other people. You just rage and break and take and take and _take_!” She’s yelling now and he shrinks from her fury, knowing he deserves every bit of it and so much more.

 

“I didn’t, I never … I never meant to hurt you,” he entreats.

 

“Well, you never do mean to, do you?” She snarls. She’s breathing heavily. She takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t intend to come here and yell at you.”

 

His shame is coursing through him; he can’t quite look her in the eyes, afraid of the rejection he knows will stare back.

 

“I’m sorry, Rey. I would take it back if I could, do everything differently. I just didn’t know how. You don’t know, you don’t understand what you do to me, how I need you.” He looks up now. “I’ve never felt anything, _anything_ close to this. It’s made me a bit mad. I _need_ you to forgive me.” He kneels in front of her, putting his hands on her knees. She flinches slightly. He pulls them back. “Please, please forgive me, my precious, fierce, warrior girl.” He’s looking up at her with such wistful longing. She looks away.

 

“I don’t know how. I don’t know if I _want_ to. But I’m not here for that. I’m here because you’re hurting and I can’t bear it.” She lifts her hand to trace his face but drops it again. “I’m sorry about the scar.”

 

“I don’t mind. It makes me think of you,” he says softly. He gets up from the floor and sits beside her again. She pulls back from him.

 

“Please, let me touch you. Please.” She looks wary. “Just hold your hand, please.” There is a long pause; she’s thinking. Slowly she reaches out to him, brushing her fingertips along his. He laces his fingers with hers.

 

“Thank you,” he breathes.

 

“So you went to Jakku.” She’s trying to dispel the urgency in the air.

 

“Yes, yes I did. I wanted to see your life, meet your people, breathe your air.” He’s grateful for the change of subject.

 

“Well there’s not much to see around Niima, that’s for sure,” she snorts.

 

“No, not much to it, that’s true. But the people there, they care for you.”

 

“They don’t know me.”

 

“Because you didn’t let them.” She thinks about that for a moment.

 

“No, I guess I didn’t. I never wanted to be of them, never wanted to be _from_ Jakku. As long as I was on my own it was just a pit stop, a moment in my life to forget. I thought … I thought when my family came and got me they’d take me _home_. Jakku was _never_ my home.” She’s so sad. He moves closer. She lets him.

 

“You really went there just for me?” Her voice is small, cautious.

 

“Yes, Rey, just for you.” He’s looking at her with quiet intensity. She leans against him slightly.

 

“And you really went to the _comfort tent_ just to find out about me?”

 

“Yes, I did. Apparently Mama Gitah doesn’t let a man in during daylight for just anyone.” He smiles.

 

“Well, you are a very important big, bad Knight of Ren, I can’t imagine you’re used to ‘no’,” she says with a hint of humor.

 

“No, Rey, she let me in for you. She wanted me to know about _you_. And anyway, I’m not a Knight of Ren any longer.” He draws her closer with one arm. She doesn’t stop him.

 

“And you met Unkar Plutt?”

 

“Oh yes, I met Unkar Plutt. He won’t be cheating anyone ever again I can assure you.” He holds her close to him and a tremor goes through him. She’s letting him hold her and it’s everything he ever dreamed of. She’s warm and soft and he wants to bury his face in her hair, trail kisses on her neck, lose himself in her but he stops himself. She is only a beautiful dream and he wants the first time he kisses her to be _real_.

 

She shifts and says, “I should go, let you sleep.”

 

“I _am_ sleeping. Stay.” He turns her and pulls her with him as he lays down, holding her to him. She stiffens for a moment then settles again. “Stay …” he whispers. He holds her close and _drifts_.

 

\---

 

He wakes in a cold, lonely bed. There’s a shadow of Rey’s form, fleeting as it fades. He rolls on his back and sighs as he throws his arm over his eyes. Oh Rey … He thinks of what an amazing dream he had. He hopes she will be so forgiving in reality. He feels centered for the first time in _days_.

 

\---

He checks and finally there's a message. He nervously opens it, hoping it’s his mother, and not the First Order.

 

_He said yes. He’ll meet you on Coruscant at the Hotel Katsin. He says you’ll know where. Tomorrow at midday. If your information can be verified the Resistance leaders have agreed to accept your defection. Luke will have the details._

 

He sits back in the pilot’s chair and thinks. He’s one step closer to Rey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All Hail, Queen Meaghan M/Juulna, the most thoughtful beta in the beta business. 
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, as always. 
> 
> And thank you to everyone who's reading and commenting. This is a wonderful experience and I'm having the time of my life!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke, pissed off space hippie, enters stage left.

Coruscant is loud and full of screaming, beating, frantic life. It’s almost overwhelming after the coldness of space and the barrenness of Jakku. He’s walking along a large street that’s at least 50 stories from the ground, all manner of vehicles speeding by him. He had stopped and purchased local clothing, his customary black robes too antagonistic for this meeting. He’s surprised to find he’s much more comfortable in his dark trousers and blue tunic. He’s growing used to going without his mask, the feeling of air on his face no longer startling.

 

He’s nearly to the hotel when he feels Luke. His uncle feels deeply conflicted through the Force. He’s not happy to be meeting his prodigal nephew. Ben senses Luke’s conflict and barely-suppressed anger. Ben realizes he has been wanting this meeting with his uncle for a very long time. His uncle’s willingness to believe the worst of him another in a long line of deeply felt cuts. Of all of his family, it is his uncle who damaged him the most. Where his parents neglected him it was his uncle who _hurt_ him. He thinks about what Luke said about the Force when speaking with Rey, and he wonders if Luke will be willing to acknowledge the same to him; take responsibility for abandoning him to Snoke. He’s feeling young and angry, full of an old and well-polished pain. This is not how he wanted to walk into this.

 

\---

 

Luke is waiting for him in a suite, high in the sky looking over the city. Ben follows Luke’s Force signature and knocks on the door.

 

Luke opens it with the Force, standing in the back of the room, his back to the wall. Defensive in stance and very angry in face. His hand is near his saber and his eyes have gone a stormy gray.

 

“Uncle.”

 

“Kylo Ren.” Ben flinches. It is not until this moment that he realizes he cannot be Kylo Ren any longer. He’s not sure if he’s worthy of the name Solo, but he knows his chosen identity _hurts_.

 

“I’ve left the First Order. I no longer claim that title.”

 

“How convenient for you, shedding it like a snake’s skin.”

 

“I deserve that.”

 

“That and so much more. What you don’t deserve is to wear your father’s name.”

 

Ben feels that like a slap, resonating in his chest and making his insides clench. “No, I do not. I don’t know what to call myself now. I know I ended the right to be my father’s son. I can only hope to atone.”

 

“Atone? _Atone_? There is no atoning for what you’ve done; the innocent blood that streams from your treacherous hands. Younglings, dozens of them, all gone because of you!” His uncle is savage in his fury.

 

“Yes, because of me. But I never raised my blade to them; I didn't know what Snoke planned.”

 

“Lies! Lies from your cowardly mouth! I can’t believe Leia convinced me to come, this was a mistake.”

 

“No, please, please Uncle, let me speak!” Ben implores. Luke is breathing heavily, his nostrils flaring. The Dark is heavy in him now.

 

“You are no longer my nephew, you lost the right to call me uncle the minute you betrayed me, betrayed those children, betrayed the galaxy.”

 

“I know, I know I did. But you must listen to me. You’re the only hope I have. I know I deserve less than nothing from you, but I want to come home, I want to right the wrongs that I can. I beg you, please listen to me, simply listen to me.”

 

Luke is quiet for a very long time, staring at Ben with furious contempt and endless anger. He’s almost vibrating with the power needed to keep control.

 

“Speak.”

 

“At the temple, 15 years ago, I didn’t know he planned to kill them. I didn’t know he was going to destroy everything, everyone. I was led to believe that I and the others would be leaving that night – _only leaving_.” He remembers the horror he felt when he saw the blood flowing between the stones of the temple floor, the hideous smell of copper and the whimpers of the dying. Snoke’s men methodically killing any survivors. He remembers seeing a girl of five, cleaved in two, her insides glistening in the torchlight. He realizes that would have been Rey if he’d left just a few days later. The memories are making him sick and he has to breathe deeply through his nose to keep from being violently ill.

 

“It wasn’t until that night, when I saw what they were doing, that I understood, but it was too late. I never killed anyone … that night.” He realizes what a hypocrite he is, begging his uncle to understand he didn’t kill those children. He certainly did later, when he was drunk on the dark and half-mad with power. He looks down.

 

“I see you understand the problem, _Kylo Ren_.”

 

“Stop calling me that!”

 

“Why? It’s who you are. All you deserve to be.”

 

“NO! I have to come back, there has to be a way. Please, please Unc- … please.” His voice becomes soft and pleading. “I have to fix it. Please help me fix it.”

 

“You can’t fix it. It’s done. You’re a murderer, a creature of the Dark. There is no redemption for you. You put your saber through the chest of my best friend! You let those monsters into the most sacred of places. You may not have massacred those innocent children, but without _you_ none of this would have happened!” Luke’s righteous rage pulses through him, the furniture beginning to levitate.

 

“Is that really what you think? Are you so naive? I wasn’t the only one that left that night. He had his hooks in your Academy from the beginning. Seducing, bewitching, enthralling any of us who dared to wonder about the Dark. You left that door wide open, _Uncle_ , and you did nothing, nothing at all to protect us. We were children, too!” Ben is losing his temper; he knows he has to calm down. “I know you understand about the Force now, that the Light Side and the Dark Side are just our small-minded interpretations, I _know_ you do!”

 

Luke freezes, his eyes becoming slits as the chaotic energy around him stills. Icily he says, “And how do you know that?”

 

“Mother didn’t tell you?” He never seriously believed his mother would keep his confidences to this degree.

 

“Didn’t tell me what, Knight of Ren.”

 

“Stop! Stop calling me that!!!” Ben sounds like an angry teenager begging to be understood. He turns and starts to walk back and forth, running his hands over his face. He tries to calm himself.

 

“I, oh stars, how many times will I have to admit this? I, that is, Rey-”

 

“Rey? So help me, if you hurt that kind young woman I will kill you where you stand.”

 

“Do you promise?”

 

This brings Luke up short, and he looks stunned and unmoored. “What do you mean? Explain yourself. Now.”

 

“We have a Force Bond. Since Starkiller.” Luke is about to speak, but Ben hurries on, “I hid it from her; she doesn’t know. That’s why I wanted to talk with you-”

 

“You can’t break a Force Bo-”

 

“I know that, don’t you think I know that? I may be Dark but I was never stupid. I don’t _want_ to break it. I want to find her family. I know you left her on Jakku.”

 

Of all the things Luke imagined Kylo Ren had wanted, none of them included this.

 

“I don’t understand; you’re not making any sense. You want to come home, you’ve left the First Order, you have a Force Bond with _my_ apprentice, that she apparently doesn’t know anything about, and you want to find her _family_?”

 

“Yes, all of it, yes.” Ben is grateful that Luke seems to be listening now. “Her light. It captured me. I couldn't turn from it. I didn’t even try. She … she captivated me, her goodness, the way that nothing, not even that hell she called a planet could take away her inherent light … I was powerless against her. I’ve been drifting in her light for months and months and it’s _changed_ me.” Ben is breathing heavily now; he’s so passionate about Rey.

 

“All of this, over a woman?”

 

“Don’t talk about her like that! Like she’s trivial – like she means nothing. She’s everything to me. I will do _anything_ I have to do to be worthy of her. I will take the First Order apart piece by piece, bring you Snoke’s head on a platter, spend years as the Resistance and New Republic’s pet turncoat, anything, just let me have a chance to prove to her what she means to me.”

 

“Oh dear Maker, you think you’re in love with her,” Luke says this with great skepticism.

 

“I don’t _think_ – I _know_ ,” Ben says fervently.

 

“And her family, you plan to bring her her family like a bouquet of flowers, a box of sweets?”

 

“Stop! Stop talking like this means nothing, like it’s some passing fancy. I’m 30 years-old, I know my own heart. I’m not the child you knew.”

 

“No. You’re not.” Luke regards him. “You say she knows nothing of the Bond.”

 

“No … I hid from her,” he says with a tremor in his voice. “Mother said, she said that I might have harmed her by staying in her head like that. Is it true?”

 

“I wouldn’t imagine she’s in any more danger, beyond being Bound to a killer.”

 

“I know. I know I am. But I’m changing, I don’t do that anymore.”

 

“Oh, I see, you’ve found love so now you’re a messenger of the Light, no more Dark Side?”

 

“I heard you talking with Rey, I know you don’t believe that any longer. Grandfather says I’ve found my balance. In Rey,” he says a little smugly.

 

Luke’s head moves up sharply. “You’ve spoken with Anakin?”

 

“Yes, on Jakku. He came to me. He told me that if I explained, you would forgive me.”

 

“Hmm. Balance, you say? You no longer feel the pull of the Dark Side?”

 

“It’s not like that; I just don’t feel pulled apart. Both sides move through me, working together. The torment, it’s finally over. After a lifetime of pain, she’s set me _free_. Don’t you see, Unc- Luke? Can’t you hear what I’m telling you? If all I have for the rest of my life is her gentle light through the Bond, if she’s happy, I’ll accept it. But I have to _try_.”

 

“She’s only 20 you know. I won’t help you seduce that young girl.”

 

“Seduce? You think this is about something as base as carnality? She changed me. She _saved_ me. I love her more than I could have ever even _conceived_ of. You can’t know how I burn, how I ache-”

 

“Can’t I? You think I’ve never _burned_?”

 

“No, I don’t. If you had, you’d be with them right now.”

 

This makes Luke stop his verbal advance. He leans against the wall, his hand stroking his beard, considering his one-time nephew.

 

“So you imagine finding her family, coming to the base, giving her this … gift, and she’ll fall into your arms in gratitude?”

 

“No! Yes … I don’t know. I just know I have to try.”

 

“I do not believe you’ve thought this through. She may not hate you any longer but she will when she finds out about the Force Bond.” This makes Ben go cold, his deepest fears laid out in front of him.

 

“I believe she will forgive me. If I can show her what she means to me, show her how I’m changing, have changed … I believe in her. In this.” Ben’s voice shows that he doesn’t quite think what he’s saying is true.

 

“You’ve no real idea what you’re doing, do you?”

 

Ben looks at the floor. He’s silent for a long time, thinking that he doesn’t have any choice; that he’s just been moving towards this point heedlessly for all this time.

 

“No. I don’t. I have no idea what will happen. You’re right, she’ll probably hate me, she’ll probably ask you to help her learn to block the Bond. But don’t you see? I’ve risked that, risked everything for this one chance. She needs her family. She needs to _know_.”

 

“And if there is no family to find?” Luke says.

 

“Then at least she’ll know. She deserves to know.” Ben’s eyes are brimming with entreaty. “Why haven’t you told her you’re the one that left her on Jakku?”

 

It’s Luke’s turn to look away. “Because it would break her very fragile trust in me. Maybe in everyone. She’s come so far, I couldn’t take that risk.”

 

“But she still thinks her family left her there, told her they’d come back. Why did you tell her they’d come back?” Ben’s tone is confused.

 

“So she would stay, so _you_ would never find her. That clearly worked about as well as bantha spit. You’ve always been just one step away from her, haven’t you? A few days difference and she’d be dead, a better understanding of yourself and she’d be yours.” Luke doesn’t mean to be cruel but it hurts just the same.

 

“Will you help me, please?”

 

Luke sighs heavily. “I already promised your mother that I would.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Meaghan M/Juulna. Not only are you a mad skilled beta, but a really great friend. Fandom is lucky to have you.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who really helped me untangle a knotty (and naughty) chapter. Sorry, not this one. No lemons for a while yet.
> 
> Thank you to my fabulous readers. You guys really made my day with trying to figure out Dream!Rey. You're the best.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're so close! Lookin' for Rey's family. Space Hippie and Space Cupcake are on the case.

 

"So this is why your mother insisted we meet on Coruscant. So you can look for Rey’s family.”

 

“Yes, I imagine Mother was being efficient as ever,” Ben smirks.

 

“I don’t trust you, but I will help you. First we’ll need to descend to the lower levels.”

 

“We? You’re coming with me?” Ben is very surprised by this.

 

“If I’m going to bother to do something, I do it right. And anyway … you aren’t wrong about Rey needing this,” Luke says grudgingly.

 

“Where are we going?”

 

“Where it began. There’s an orphanage in Below; they contacted the Academy when Rey exhibited early Force powers. She was blowing out windows whenever she had a tantrum, they couldn’t deal with her.” Ben thinks that these are the things Rey is desperate to know. She needs to know her story. Right now she’s untethered, no beginning to anchor her.

 

“Do you know anything about her family?”

 

“No, they never said anything and I never asked. I was focused on the future, then.” Ben feels that lance through his chest. His uncle is such a broken, beaten man and he knows it’s his fault.

 

“Have you ever been Below on Coruscant?” Luke asks.

 

“No, I was only ever here with Mother, when she was a senator. I was kept to the rooms, mostly,” Ben says bitterly.

 

“Well, it’s not pretty down there. You may see gleaming white spires and silver speeders up here but anguish always sinks to the bottom. You won’t like what you see. Well, you wouldn’t have; I don’t know about now.” Ben ignores the slight.

 

\---

 

Ben looks around in the gloom and the grime, trying very hard to keep the horror off of his face. This is where Rey came from? He’s appalled and shaken. He’d wanted this to be a gift, not more pain.

 

“This way.” Luke starts down the dark alley. They pass all manner of life-forms. Ben sees a Twi’lek sitting on the street, sniffing something off the back of her hand, she’s terribly thin and he can smell her from where he’s standing. There’s a group of children in mismatched, dirty clothing playing some sort of game with stones and a hoop. They smile and laugh, oblivious to the misery around them. Ben doesn’t know what to think; how to feel. What if Rey wants to _see_ this? See where she comes from? He can’t bring his darling girl here, he just can’t. He hopes her family isn’t truly _from_ here.

 

It’s very claustrophobic in Below, each street closed-in, a warren of alleys and strange, built-out buildings. They walk for ages. The despair starts to blend and Ben finds he’s focused entirely inward. He’s afraid; afraid of what they will find.  What if her story really is just that she was born in poverty, and grew up to suffer? He had hoped he would find a parent, or at least a grandparent, but the further they walk, the more he sees … he realizes Rey’s story has always been a bleak one.

 

Luke stops in front of a strange building with many additional rooms added on with no unifying style. It screams desperate utility. There is a small playground in the yard to the side and there are a few children listlessly sitting on old swings. They show none of the exuberance of the children he saw when they first came to this strange, closed-in place. The poor must not be seen. Close them off, keep them on Jakku, but never let them bother the good people with their inconvenient desperation. Ben is numb.

 

“We’re here, come on.” Luke enters the building. There’s a small sign that says “Below as Above Orphanage.” He supposes someone hoped that the innocence of children would allow them to be free of this place, but somehow he doesn’t believe it.

 

A man with dusky orange skin and wide-spaced eyes looks up from his desk. “May I help you?” His tone is guarded; these men do not seem likely to want a child and he sees none in tow to abandon.

 

Ben starts forward, ready to speak when Luke silences him with a gesture. “I hope so. Fifteen years ago I came from my Academy to collect an orphan from this place, a 5 year-old human girl. We’re hoping to find out more about her family.”

 

“That was quite a long time ago, I’m not sure we will still have her records.” He does not seem inclined to help them.

 

“Would you please look? Her name is Rey.”

 

“Just Rey, no surname?”

 

“Just Rey,” Ben growls. He doesn’t like this man.

 

The man just regards them and blinks slowly. He turns to an old monitor and keys in a few characters. “As I suspected, the records are quite sparse. Hmm, human female, birthdate the 9th day of the 7th month …” Ben feels his chest expand. Her birthday. He can tell her her birthday. She’s never known before. He begins to have hope that perhaps this is not entirely fruitless. “She was a special needs child. We contacted an outside agency – you, I suppose?” The man looks up at Luke.

 

“Yes, we specialized in her particular set of … needs.”

 

“Specialized? You’ve closed then?” Ben feels waves of anguish coming from his uncle.

 

“Yes, we … closed.”

 

“Well, then I’m afraid I can’t release any more information as you no longer hold agency status.”

 

Ben growls and looks to Luke, expecting him to use a Jedi mind trick. Luke blinks serenely back at him. Ben pushes forward and says, “Listen, you need to help us, this woman is very important to me and she deserves to know where she comes from.”

 

“Well,” says the man lazily, “she can always file the appropriate paperwork with the Office of Children’s Affairs to release her records. I think I have the forms here somewhere …“ He begins to paw through his paperwork. He seems completely unhurried.

 

Ben looks at his uncle and gestures towards the man, and mouths, “Well?” Luke shrugs.

 

Ben growls in frustration and the man looks up. “You will give us all information you have on the human female Rey, age 20 standard years.”

 

The man blinks lazily and his eyes unfocus. “I will give you all of the information I have on the human female Rey, age 20 standard years.” He starts to methodically key into the computer. He hands them a data chip, still looking drugged. Luke is frowning.

 

“Come on, let’s get out of here,” Ben says.

 

\---

 

Outside, Luke whirls on Ben. “I thought you said you’d changed!”

 

“What?!” Ben is shocked.

 

“You just exerted your will on another being for no real reason. We’d only begun talking to him!”

 

“But, but the Jedi mind trick is a neutral skill, I didn’t use anything Dark!”

 

“You’re still just taking without thinking. You didn’t even try to reason with him, or think to come back later and see if Tarlin still works there.” Luke just seems sad now.

 

“Tarlin?” Ben says confusedly.

 

“She was the woman who contacted me about Rey. She might remember. But I never even got the opportunity to find out if she was still there because you have no patience! You never had any patience.” Luke says the last to himself.

 

“Why didn’t you stop me then?”

 

“And expose that we’re Force users? Think! Maker, you haven’t changed at all.” Ben is stung by this and wonders if it’s true. Could he still just be that struggling, foolish failure of a boy? He feels lost and afraid. Had he not grown at all? He’s lost in memories of always, _always_ coming up short. No patience, no judgement. Failure, failure, _failure_. He suddenly feels a whisper of Rey brushing against him, one of her delicious tendrils and he pulls himself together.

 

“No.”

 

Look looks at him, bewildered. “No?”

 

“No, you don’t get to do this to me again. You don’t get to treat me like I’m a failure just because I’m not like you. I _have_ changed, I _have_ grown. You’re the one who made a mistake in there. You didn’t tell me anything. I had no idea about Tarlin. You didn’t allow me to use my own judgment. You just expected blind obedience. If you had told me any of what you were thinking, I never would have done what I did. But you never trusted any of us. You just told us what to do and never told us _why_. So if you’re going to help me, you’re going to have to trust me, otherwise I do this on my own.” Ben sounds like his mother, steel in his tone.

 

Luke is quiet for a long time, his hands folded and looking off into the middle-distance.

 

“Alright … Ben. Alright. I’ll trust you for this task, but no further.” Ben wonders if Luke meant to use his name.

 

“Thank you. You won’t regret it.”

 

“Hmmm,” is all Luke says.

 

\---

 

They’re back in the hotel and Ben is reviewing the data chip. “It says her mother was named Raina, deceased. No father.”

 

“What?!” Luke is utterly shocked.

 

“No father – why is that surprising?”

 

“You don’t understand. There is a central bank of all DNA of all residents of Coruscant. All of them. It’s impossible that it’s just blank.” Luke walks over and takes the datapad from Ben.

 

“Surely a few slip through the cracks?”

 

“No, you can’t go anywhere, buy anything, do _anything_ here without it being on file. Don’t you remember when you landed, the process to get through customs?”

 

“I didn’t really pay attention,” Ben mumbles.

 

“Typical,” Luke says under his breath.

 

Ben scowls. And then he goes cold. “That means there’s a record of you being here.”

 

“Oh, that. Leia worked something out, I’m just a very boring businessman here to trade in carpeting, I believe.”

 

“And there’s a record of _me_ being here.” He starts to panic slightly. He knows he still has time, it’s perfectly reasonable that he could be looking for Rey on Coruscant, but it makes him uneasy.

 

“You still have time, Ben. We’ll be gone from here before the First Order ever comes looking.” Luke is almost like the uncle he remembers.

 

“Back to Rey …” Luke says.

 

“Yes, yes. No father.”

 

“I don’t think you understand what this means.” Luke is looking haunted.

 

“Alright … Explain it to me?”

 

“She’s … oh Force, not again … What do you know of Anakin’s parents?” Luke sounds so very tired.

 

“Nothing. He grew up on Tatooine, like you.” Ben senses there is something significant going on but he’s still perplexed by his uncle's’ strange behavior.

 

“He didn’t have a father either. He was a product of the Force. Pure Force. He was supposed to bring balance, whatever that means.”

 

Ben nods. “The prophecy.”

 

“Yes. Don’t you see? Rey is likely another child of the Force. For all I know she might be the one destined to bring balance to the Force, _not_ Anakin.”

 

Ben takes a moment to let this sink in. He knew she was special, but this is … this is far beyond what he could have ever imagined. The Force had willed her into being? He will never be worthy – never.

\---

They’re back at the orphanage the next morning, hoping to try again. They’ve just walked in the door when they hear “Luke Skywalker!”

 

“Tarlin, I thought you might have forgotten me.”

 

“Are you daft? You came for our dear Rey and took her to a better life, how could I have forgotten you?” She’s an elderly human, likely soon to meet the Maker. “How is that sweet girl?”

 

Luke clears his throat and says, “She’s fine, good, she’s good.” His eyes are so sad. Tarlin looks at him with a bit of suspicion.

 

“Things didn’t go quite as planned, but she’s safe and happy now,” Luke says. Ben wants to hide and he feels so small. Will it ever stop _hurting_?

 

“She’s asking questions about her parents, of course, and I – or rather, we – wondered if you could tell us anything not in the file?”

 

“And who is this strapping lad?” She says with affection.

 

“This is my … nephew.” Luke stumbles over the words.

 

“And do you know our Rey? I imagine she’s a beautiful young woman now. You’d best get to work!” Tarlin winks at Ben. Ben finds himself smiling.

 

“Yes, I know her, and yes, she’s very beautiful,” Ben says, a bit shyly.

 

“Oh, I see you don’t need any encouragement from old Tarlin!” She laughs to herself, clearly having the time of her life teasing this young man. Ben’s cheeks are stained pink.

 

“Tarlin,” Luke brings her attention back to him. “What can you tell us about Rey?”

 

“Oh, she was a special one alright. Not that I make a habit of forgetting our little babies, but she was something to treasure. Rarely have I seen the like. She was always untouched by the hardship.”

 

“How did she get here?” Ben asks.

 

“Oh, that’s a sad tale. Her mother, she came from Above. But when she got with child, and there was no father, her family cast her out. It was strange – she insisted that there was no father, literally no father at all, instead of naming him. I always assumed there had to be some sort of error with Rey’s infant blood work; no father? The babe was here, so there had to be a father,” Tarlin scoffs. “After her parents cast her out, she worked doing what she could but she was so unprepared for life Below. A laundress took her in; she helped her. But life was too hard for Raina, she died in childbirth.”

 

Ben is devastated. How could Rey’s people have abandoned her like this? She really was simply left. It didn’t matter, Jakku, Coruscant, her family hadn’t cared, had thrown her away like so much garbage. His temper is flaring and he knows he needs to calm down.

 

“I see. And, is there anything else,” Luke asks.

 

Tarlin stands and goes to a set of drawers in the back. She pokes and searches and finally holds up an old holofilm. “Here. I saved this when I came across it a few years back, just in case. Here’s her mother, Raina. Pretty little thing, wasn’t she?” Luke is reaching for it but Ben is faster. His eyes take it in hungrily. This, this is it. Something tangible he can give to her, show her who she is. It will make the blow of abandonment easier to bear. He doesn’t want to give it to Luke; he wants to keep it close and safe until it’s in Rey’s hands, but he knows that’s unreasonable. He hands it to his uncle.

 

“Yes, she was lovely. I see the resemblance quite clearly,” says Luke. Luke looks at Ben and holds his eyes as he hands the image back.

 

Ben isn’t really focused on where he is any longer. He’s impatient now to get to D’Qar. Dimly he realizes there may still be family here on Coruscant but they don’t deserve to know her. He’ll leave that up to Rey. He has what he needs. He longs to see her, to hear her voice, to begin to explain himself. To touch her. Oh stars, will she let him touch her?

 

\---

 

It’s time to leave; time to go to D’Qar. He’s abandoning the First Order shuttle on Coruscant. Though he disabled the tracker before he left for Jakku, they won’t take any chances with security. They will be traveling in Luke’s ship.

 

“Where’s the old X-Wing, anyway?” Ben asks good-naturedly.

 

“Ahch-To. It rusted away years ago,” Luke says with that familiar undercurrent of accusation. Ben sighs.

 

They’re about to board Luke’s ship when they’re surrounded by Stormtroopers. Instinct moves them back to back, lightsabers extended. Uncle and nephew falling into long-forgotten patterns of brotherhood.

 

Ben whispers furiously, “I didn’t do this. I swear I didn’t do this.”

 

“Halt!” a familiar voice rings out. Phasma steps to the front of her squad.  She walks forward to where the two Force-users stand, hands extended, ready to fight.

 

“Kylo Ren,” Phasma intones.

 

“Captain Phasma,” Ben responds warily. She’s walking towards him, and he holds his saber higher. She stands right in front of his blade and takes her helmet off. Ben is tremendously confused.

 

“You have been found absent without leave and will come with us,” she says with force. Then quietly so that only Ben can hear she whispers, “You have a tracker in your belt, you can’t get away without getting rid of that.”

 

Ben is nonplussed. “What? Why are you telling me this, what are you doing?” He whispers back.

 

“You were never one of us, I saw your struggle. Now, make this look good and don’t kill me you ungrateful little snot,” she continues.

 

“You did not respond to the Supreme Leader’s request for an update and we have been tasked with bringing you in. You will come quietly or we will subdue you,” Phasma barks.

 

Ben Force pushes Phasma into a group of Troopers and they fall in a tangle. Blaster bolts start raining down on them and Luke and Ben deflect them with their blades, aiming them into the side of the hangar, the ground, anywhere but the combatants. They’re whirling around, keeping back to back as they continue to deflect the onslaught.

 

“What the hell is going on, Ben?” Luke yells out.

 

“I’ll explain later, we have to get to the ship!”

 

The Stormtroopers advance and Ben and Luke are inching closer and closer to the ramp of Luke’s ship. It looks fast; Ben hopes it is.

 

Luke pulls two cargo crates towards three Stormtroopers and drops them, knocking them out. There are eight left.

 

Phasma is struggling to her feet. Ben puts her to sleep with the Force and she crumples back to the ground.

 

Ben is trying so hard not to kill anyone but they’re getting closer and they’re still 20 feet from the ship. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to avoid it any longer when Luke uses a tremendous amount of power and waves his hand and all remaining eight fall to the ground. Ben stands there stunned for a moment and hears Luke shout, “Ben!” and he’s moving again. He rips his belt off and throws it to the ground.

 

They scramble up the ramp, a few of the Stormtroopers reviving, fumbling for their blasters. The ramp closes with a slowness that defies reality as time has changed to a slow-moving crawl as they race to the cockpit. Luke slides into the pilot’s chair and starts bringing the ship online, shields first. They hear blaster bolts hit the side and Ben hopes nothing essential gets damaged.

 

The engines whir to life while the insistent rain of blaster fire beats an ever more urgent song. Luke pulls them up off of the landing pad and they’re finally away.

 

\----

 

“Now, you want to explain to me what the hell just happened?” Luke yells in the safety of hyper-space.

 

“My belt, there was a tracker in my belt. I didn’t know, I swear I didn’t know. Maker, it’s just bad luck I even still had the stupid belt, I got rid of everything else. I couldn’t figure out how to carry my saber without it.” Ben is nearly hyperventilating from the experience. This is his first battle without the anesthetizing feeling of the Dark Side.

 

“And what was all that about a message? Tell me you’ve at least been acting like a loyal little darksider until you were safely on D’Qar?” Luke just sounds fed up at this point.

 

“I … I didn’t think. I just didn’t want to have anything to do with them … I deleted it.” Ben knew it was stupid, he’s known for days. But admitting it to his uncle makes him feel incredibly feeble. “I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but it was too late.” Will he never learn to _think_?

 

“Well, we’re just lucky that that chrome plated giantess has a soft spot for you. What is it with you and women anyway?”

 

Ben scowls at that. “Today is the first day I saw her face, I don’t know why she did it. She said she knew I was never one of them and she told me about the tracker. I _really_ don’t know why she did it, I don’t know!” Ben’s frustration and confusion are making him erratic.

 

“It’s alright Ben, I believe you. I believe you.”

 

“Thank you L-Luke.” Ben still stumbles over his name.

 

Luke looks away and sighs. “When did I stop being Uncle?” Ben looks up sharply. Luke nods.

 

“Thank you, Uncle.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Meaghan M/Juulna. You know just what to say to nip insecurity in the bud.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who continues to make himself scarce when I need him to and is right there when I want him to be.
> 
> And you fabulous readers! Thank you! I follow Mr. Downing around the house reading him your comments, "listen to this one ..."
> 
> The reunion is next chapter and will be going up Monday ...


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Reunion. Will our space cupcakes find love?

D’Qar is only a few hours away and they land without issue. The ramp descends and Ben is exceptionally nervous. He’s going to see her. Her, her, her. He’s jumping out of his skin with excitement and gut-churning terror. Oh, Maker, what will she say? Will she even let him say anything? Will she just turn her back on him and throw Han Solo in his face? He stops himself, realizing he would deserve whatever she has to say. He’s so nervous he’s pacing around the ship, afraid to come outside.

 

“This is what you wanted, you know. You’re here, you have her history, now you have to face her. The real, living, breathing person. Not just who you’ve made her up to be.” Luke seems to be enjoying this.

 

“I didn’t make her up. I was in her head for almost a year. She’s _real_ ,” Ben says forcefully.

 

“Ah, but I think you’ve imagined a woman with open arms and easy forgiveness. I suspect you’ll find the real Rey a bit more complicated.” Ben knows his uncle is probably right.

 

“Come on, hot stuff, it’s time to face the music. You wanted to atone; well, it’s time to atone,” Luke says. Ben is almost sick with anxiety.

 

Has his mother said anything? Will people be waiting? His uncle said that so long as he cooperates there will be no significant restrictions; that he will be given quarters and duties and – oh Force he’s going to be sick. What if she won’t talk to him? He realizes how much he’s never thought about and he’s panicking. He feels his uncle’s hand on his upper arm.

 

“It’s time, Ben.”

 

Ben shudders and nods and they start walking down the ramp.  Ben blinks a little in the sun, and oh Maker, there she is. She’s standing _right there_ , and she’s looking straight at him. He smiles hesitantly.

 

“You!” She roars ferociously. Before he knows what’s happening, she’s running right at him. He’s so confused when she punches him hard in the jaw and then tackles him. He’s on his back and she’s straddling him, about to hit him again when he hears his uncle bellow, “Rey! Stop that, stop that right now.” Then Luke is pulling her off of him and he’s completely disoriented. He pulls himself up on his elbows, still reclining on the landing pad, his head ringing. She’d really clocked him good. He looks up at her and says “Rey?”

 

“ _You_ don’t get to talk to me.” Ben is at an utter loss. His own mother had forgiven him, why was Rey so exceptionally, _incandescently_ angry?

 

“Rey, please, you have to let me-”

 

“I don’t have to _let_ you do anything, not anymore.”

 

“Is this about _Starkiller_? I’m so sorry, I never shou-”

 

“Oh no, you unmitigated bastard, this is about you sitting in my _head_ for almost an entire damned _year_ , you ... you pervert!” She is blazing with rage.

 

Ben scrambles to his feet, reaching a hand out to her.

 

“Please, let me explain, let me apologize, I have so much to tell-”

 

“Oh no, you don’t get to speak to me until I’m good and ready and as far as I’m concerned you can go to hell!”

 

Ben realizes that the entire base is watching. He sees the Traitor and the Pilot exchanging words quickly, like they’re watching a pod race and are making bets. Oh Force, there’s his mother, and she’s grinning – grinning!

 

“Please Rey, please, you have to let me talk-”

 

“I don’t have to _let_ you do anything, not anymore. Now that I know you’ve been lurking, spying, _taking_ from my mind. You don’t get to ask anything of me.” Stars, she’s so beautiful in her fury.

 

In one last, desperate, gambit he says. “I know about your family!”

 

This stops her, completely. “You – you what?”

 

“I know what I did was wrong, I know it, I knew it. I just couldn’t stop. I went with Uncle Luke to find out about your family. It was the only thing I could think of to bring you, to show you how serious I am. About you.” Rey stands there, utterly frozen.

 

“Rey?”

 

She just blinks.

 

“Rey?”

 

“M-my family?”

 

Ben breathes a little easier; his ferocious girl might listen to him now. “Yes, your family. I know who you are. I know why they never came back.”

 

He sees tears begin to form and she turns her back on him. He walks up to her cautiously, and puts a trembling hand on her shoulder.

 

“Don’t touch me!” She snarls. It hurts, oh how it hurts, but he pulls his hand back.

 

She has her arms wrapped around her middle, refusing to face him. He can see her shaking and he knows she’s crying.

 

“Rey. Rey we don’t have to do this here, let’s go somepl-”

 

“I’m not going anywhere with you,” she grinds out.

 

“Alright, alright, whatever you need.”

 

She snorts. “Like you ever thought about what _I_ need.”

 

“When … when did you know?” He has to understand how long she’s been hiding _back_.

 

“Oh, curious to know how long I’ve been _spying_?” She turns to face him.

 

“I wasn’t … It wasn’t like that,” he says helplessly.

 

“Then how exactly was it, hmmm? While you lurked and took, and took, and _took_!” He has so very much further to go than he had ever imagined.

 

“I never meant to hurt you,” he pleads.

 

“Well you did.”

 

“I see that, I do.”

 

“About 10 days. I figured it out about 10 days ago,” she says suddenly. He realizes many things all at once. All those touches, all the times he’d not quite understood himself, Poln, his _dream_ – oh Force, that beautiful dream. That had been _her_. She’d let him hold her, touch her. He feels lightheaded. He’s seeing bright orbs of light and he thinks he might faint.

 

“My family. You said you know about my family,” she says with cold efficiency.

 

“Yes, we went to Coruscant to find out about whe-

 

“I’m from Coruscant?” She says with such aching vulnerability.

 

“Yes, my precious girl. You’re from Coruscant.”

 

“Don’t.”

 

“I’m sorry, I … I don’t understand,” Ben says quietly.

 

“I’m not _your_ anything,” Rey says hotly.

 

“Of course, of course. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

 

“Just because you _think_ you know me doesn’t give you any rights to me.” She’s so very angry. Ben knows he’ll keep trying for as long as it takes but this makes him ache. She is his. She _is_.

 

Ben takes in a shuddering breath and says, “Your family, your mother. Her name was Raina. I think you’re named for her.”

 

“Raina? My mother’s name is Raina?” She says this with such quiet hopefulness it breaks Ben’s heart, oh how many times will his heart bleed red for his amazing, strong, tremendous girl?

 

“Was, Rey. I’m sorry. She’s gone. She died giving birth to you.” He hates telling her this.

 

“But, I know that she told me she’d come back. I know they told me they’d come back!” She’s confused and lashing out because she doesn’t understand.

 

“Rey,” Luke finally intercedes. “We need to talk.”

 

“What? I don’t understand.” She’s so lost, his precious, precious love. He wants so desperately to hold her, to protect her from the truths that are coming. But all he can do is watch Luke lead her away.

 

\---

 

He can feel her anger beating furiously along the Bond. He feels her despair, her soul-deep anguish. He keeps himself from her head, holding himself strong to keep from finding out what she’s really thinking, but he can feel her desperate, helpless fury. It’s too strong; it wells over the Bond, and he wants so very much to go to her. But he knows she doesn’t want him. That _cuts_.

 

His mother is taking him around the base, everyone clearly already briefed that the _General’s Son_ is joining them. He realizes quickly that very few know who he is. Who he _was_ , he thinks firmly. The Pilot smiles at him without any reservation, until the Traitor takes him aside and then there is a cold anger coming off of him in waves. Ben knows the base will understand all too quickly who they’ve invited into their ranks. He hopes the Pilot and the Traitor have more loyalty to his mother than hatred for him.

 

“And here is where you’ll be staying.” His mother is so full of joy that he knows he’ll do anything she asks just to keep her as happy. The room is what he expected: a bed and an attached ‘fresher. It’s just like Rey’s and he wonders where she’s quartered.

 

As if sensing his thoughts – perhaps she is – Leia says, “Rey is just around the corner. I thought … I hoped that might be helpful.” His mother is hoping he’s successful? He had assumed she would be neutral at best.

 

“Thank you, Mother. Thank you. You’ve done more for me than I could have ever hoped. Thank you.” His mother beams. She reaches for him and he embraces her, so good to feel his mother’s arms around him again. He realizes that he will be able to see her every day and he’s struck silent for a moment.

 

“Ben, are you alright?” His mother sounds very concerned as she draws back to look at him.

 

“Yes, yes. I just never imagined, oh Mother, to be home, I don’t know how to thank you.”

 

“You don’t need to thank me. You always had a home with me. You just needed to choose to come.” Leia looks away for a moment, her smile brittle, but she looks back again, full of happiness.

 

“What is it?”

 

“Oh, it doesn’t matter,” Leia dismisses.

 

“No, please, tell me.”

 

“I just … I asked your father to bring you home. And in a way, he did.” Ben closes his eyes and has to take a few breaths at this. Leia reaches out and touches his face, but it’s too close to where his father’s hand had touched his cheek and he turns away. “Ben?”

 

“It’s just … You’re right. And I don’t know how to ever live with that." His eyes burn but he refuses to cry again.

 

“You’ll figure it out. We’ll figure it out together. All that matters is that you’re _home_.” She puts her arms around him again and he curls his substantial frame around her smaller one and holds on for dear life.

 

\---

 

It’s night and he’s lying in bed, thinking about Rey. Always thinking about Rey. He sees now that he’s miscalculated, badly. She’s so much more angry than he had ever anticipated and realizes how foolish he’s been. Foolish, always so foolish. He wonders if he’ll ever learn how to _think_. But he’s raced forward like he invariably will, the goal bright and seductive, heedless of the obstacles in his path. She’s so _close_ ; it’s enough to drive him demented with need. He tries to hold on to his dreams, his fantasies of a life with Rey, tries not to give into the exquisite fear. Fear that she will never give him a chance. Fear that she will block him entirely. Fear that he’s only hurting her by being here. Oh. Oh no, he thinks. What if his being here is just another awful thing for her to be burdened with? What if all he is is more pain? He gasps out and shudders. “Oh Rey …“ he says into the stillness of his room.

 

He’s on his side, his customary sleeping position, because there is room for her right there, just so, in his arms. He’s so afraid he’s made a mess of everything; that she’ll never forgive him. He knows he told Luke he would accept it if she shunned him, but the thought of it makes him want to weep. His throat is tight and his eyes are burning and he needs her so _badly_. It hurts, stars, it _hurts_.

 

“Ben …” floats over the Bond. He hesitates, not wanting to upset her further.

 

“Rey?” He sends back very cautiously.

 

“I’m … I’m sorry I hit you,” she says meekly.

 

“It’s alright. I deserved it.”

 

“But I still shouldn’t have done it. And I’m sorry.”

 

“Are you … are you alright?” He asks with great trepidation. There is a very long pause.

 

“No. No, I’m not, but I think I will be.”

 

“I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you, never meant to take from you.”

 

“I know. I know. I … saw you struggle. I’ve watched you try. I’m ashamed of the private moments I’ve seen. I never should have looked, but your pain, oh Ben, your pain …”

 

“It’s nothing; you needn’t worry about me.”

 

“But … I do. I can’t help it. I _feel_ you now.”

 

“I know, believe me, I understand,” he says ruefully.

 

“Yes, I know you do.” She’s cold now. “This was a mistake.”

 

“Please, no, please,” he says desperately.

 

“I can’t do this, I’m sorry, I can’t.”

 

“Don’t go, please don’t go!” But she’s already gone.

 

Ben Solo beats his pillow and gasps. He swallows his unshed tears and pulls himself into a tight ball. He knows tonight will be long and he chants, “Rey, Rey, Rey,” in his empty head.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so very much to Meaghan M/Juulna. She's been a speed demon, beta'ing these chapters so quickly. This one was especially important to me and she took great care. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing for ensuring that I eat while gripped in the clutches of this writing madness. He just sighs and puts food in front of me.
> 
> And, as always, thank you readers! You have all been exceptionally kind to this new writer and I'm humbled and deeply appreciative.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Space Cupcake stop opening his mouth to exchange feet?

Ben is in the dining hall and has no idea what to do with himself. He’s standing with his tray, blinking out over the tables with hundreds of people eating and chatting. He sees Chewie and nearly drops his food. Chewie doesn’t notice him and Ben moves to the opposite end of the room. He goes to an empty table and sits with his back to everyone. It makes him itch to be so vulnerable but it’s somehow better than facing all of these people. People who will come to hate him soon once word spreads who he _really_... was.

 

He’s tucking into his meal when he senses two people approach. They are very angry. So it begins, he thinks. He turns his head to see the Pilot and the Traitor walking towards him with purpose and suppressed rage. They split and come around the table, one from either side, meeting in the middle in front of Ben.

 

“We know who you are.” The Pilot is the first to speak.

 

“I have no intention of hiding it,” says Ben imperiously.

 

“Well, you might want to rethink that if you care at all about the General, your mother,” the Pilot challenges.

 

“But we know, and we’ll be watching you,” the Traitor interjects. “I haven’t forgotten what you did to me on _Starkiller_ ,” the Traitor says with venom.

 

“I did many things I regret on _Starkiller_ ; you’ll have to be more specific,” Ben says testily.

 

“Splitting me down the spine like you were filleting a fish ring any bells?”

 

“You were in my way.”

 

“I was trying to protect Rey after you threw her into a tree!” the Traitor is visibly angry now.

 

“I regret that, I do,” Ben says with sincerity. He may not feel badly for hurting the Traitor, but he bitterly regrets every single time he’s hurt Rey.

 

The Traitor’s eyes narrow with suspicion. “What is it with you and Rey, anyway?” Ben is unsure if he will answer the question. It’s none of FN-2187’s business. But he has no real wish to hide his feelings any longer.

 

Ben is about to explain when he sees her. Her face is blotchy; she’s clearly been crying. She’s scanning the room looking for someone. She stops when she reaches his table and for one glorious moment he thinks she’s looking for him.

 

She starts walking towards them and his heart sinks to his boots when she says, “Finn, Poe, may I speak with you? Somewhere _else_.” Her tone is snide. He looks down, wiping the hopeful expression off of his face. _Idiot_ , he thinks.

 

The Traitor and the Pilot follow her away, sitting at a table far enough from him that he can’t hear what they’re saying. The temptation to listen anyway is intense, but he holds firm.

 

He watches, obviously. He will not hide his blatant interest in her. She’s gesturing over at him and she seems to be saying something emphatically. He watches horror flash over the two men’s faces and he realizes she’s explaining about the Bond. He finds he’s pleased that she’s acknowledging his unique place in her life. The Traitor looks gutted. Ben feels smug. _See, she was always_ mine _, she could never be_ yours, he thinks savagely. The Pilot looks pensive and there is a tight apprehension around his eyes. The Pilot always did think a few steps further than the Traitor.

 

“You’re staring,” Luke says from beside him. Startled, Ben turns to his uncle.

 

“I’ve no wish to hide my interest.”

 

“Even so, perhaps giving her space might not be the _worst_ idea in the galaxy.” Luke still has that vaguely amused tone from yesterday. Ben just wishes his uncle would take this seriously. He’s not some lovesick _boy_ ; this means everything to him. He’s gambled every single chip he has on this, on Rey, and he’s invested his whole self in the outcome.

 

“Yesterday, what did you tell her about her family?”

 

“Nothing. I explained that it was I who left her on Jakku and why I did that, why I wiped her memory, why I made her think her family was coming back for her,” Luke says matter-of-factly.

 

“And?” Ben says.

 

“And?” Luke queries back.

 

“And how _is_ she – is she alright?” Ben is frustrated by his uncle’s typical disconnected tone.

 

“She’s very unhappy with me right now. She’s suspended her training.” Perhaps not so disconnected then; Luke’s eyes are deeply sad and his tone is full of grief.

 

“You expected this,” Ben realizes out loud.

 

“Yes. It’s why I never said anything to her before. But I should have. Perhaps by waiting so long I’ve made it worse. I … I wanted her to know me before I told her. I thought she might understand, then.” Ben sees that this has truly cost his uncle something dear and he’s humbled that Luke was willing to do it for his estranged, broken nephew.

 

“Thank you, Uncle. Thank you for taking this risk for me. For us.” Luke only nods.

 

“She doesn’t hate you,” Luke says suddenly.

 

“Well she certainly doesn’t like me very much,” Ben mutters bitterly.

 

“True, but she doesn’t hate you. I thought she would, honestly. She’s confused more than anything else. I’ve told her she needs to go to you if she wants to know more about her family. You were the one who made it possible, so she’s going to have to talk to you about it.”

 

“Thank you, Uncle. I know you didn’t have to do that, to help me.”

 

“I may tease you a bit, but I do see your sincerity and I believe you when you say you love her,” Luke says kindly.

 

“I do, oh Uncle, how I do … having her so close and yet not being able to talk with her, be with her, it’s agony. I’m so afraid she’ll never give me a chance,” Ben says brokenly.

 

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. Rey is angry, more stubborn than a tauntaun, but she’s very curious about you. She didn’t say much, but she hinted that she’d seen things, from the Bond, that have altered her view of you fundamentally.” Ben thinks of all the times he’s broken down crying in the last 10 days. She must think he’s just a mewling little boy. How could she ever think of him as a suitor? Ben just nods.

 

“Don’t despair, my boy. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think there’s hope. Just keep trying. Don’t push her, but don’t ignore her, either. She’ll come to you soon to find out about her family. Don’t screw it up, Ben.” Every time his uncle uses his name, Ben feels a bit more of the distance between them being whittled away.

 

“I won’t – I _can’t_. It’s too important,” Ben says fervently.

 

“How dare you!” Suddenly rings out across the dining hall, Rey’s voice riding over everything. Ben’s attention instantly snaps to where she’s been talking with the Traitor and the Pilot. She’s very angry as she gets up and rushes away, the Traitor left stunned and the Pilot has his head in his hands. Ben watches sadly as she slams the door to the dining hall and is gone.

 

\---

 

It’s been hours and he hasn’t seen her or felt her and he’s beginning to panic. He’s searched everywhere he can think of. She’s not with her droids, not fixing anything in the hangar, and her meditation field is empty. He’s been fighting with himself all afternoon when finally he breaks.

 

“Rey …” he reaches out across the Bond, gently and tentatively.

 

“What do _you_ want,” comes rioting back.

 

“I just … are you alright?”

 

“No, I don’t think I’ll ever be alright again. You’ve ruined me,” she says bleakly.

 

“Oh, Rey, please don’t say that, please don’t even think it.”

 

“What else am I to think? Two weeks ago things made sense, finally made sense. I had a home, people who love me, people I loved. I was learning to be happy! I wasn’t alone anymore! Don’t you understand? Don’t you see what you took from me?” He can hear the tears in her voice and oh, Maker, had he ever known such pain? Is it true? Has he ruined her? Has he crashed into her life and taken it all away?

 

“Stop that. Stop making this about you.” He realizes his thoughts have been projecting across the Bond. “You always do that, you never think about other people. You’re so selfish.” He senses she doesn’t quite mean that.

 

“Rey, I know I’ve hurt you. I know it. I’ve known it. But that’s why I stopped looking, I knew it was wrong and I stopped. I won’t ever look again, not until you ask me to,” he says with aching sincerity. He knows she can feel that he’s telling the truth. He cannot lie to her through the Bond. He wouldn’t lie anyway.

 

“Where are you, darling, tell me where you are. No one has seen you since breakfast and I’m not the only one who’s worried.”

 

“You have to stop doing that. I’m not your darling,” she says angrily.

 

“Right, of course, it just slipped out. You’ve been in my head, too; you _know_ how I feel about you,” Ben says.

 

“I do. Though I don’t understand why. I’m just a sand rat, a scaveng-”

 

“Stop, stop that. I won’t hear you denigrate yourself. You’re the most incredible person I have ever met. Stars, Rey, just being near you humbles me. You _shine._ Your light, your goodness. You are a creature of such purity; such beauty. You could never be _just_ anything.” He feels her embarrassment through the Bond and tries to hold himself back.

 

They’re silent for a long time when Ben asks with trepidation. “Where are you?”

 

Rey thinks for a long time before answering, “I’m in the forest.”

 

“May I come to you?” He tries very hard to keep the longing from his voice.

 

He thinks she may have blocked the connection when she finally sighs, “Yes …”

 

\---

 

She’s sitting in her clearing and he thinks he should have thought to check here.

 

“Hello,” Ben says quietly.

 

“Hi.”

 

“May I sit?”

 

“If you’d like.”

 

He sits down near her but not too close, his long legs crossed in front of him.

 

“This morning, what happened with the Tr- Finn and Poe?” He’s been very curious about this.

 

“Nothing. I don’t … is this how it will always be, you knowing everything?”

 

“I didn’t peek. I was in the dining hall, remember? I saw.”

 

“Oh. Well then. I told them about the Force Bond. They didn’t like it.”

 

“No, I wouldn’t think so,” he says ruefully.

 

She looks at him for a long time and he’s frozen by her eyes.

 

“So, what, you know everything I’ve done, everything I’ve thought, heard, _felt_?” Her tone is heavy with accusation.

 

“I … yes.” He looks away to hide his shame. He never thinks things through, never.

 

“Then you know about … Finn.” It’s clear she doesn’t want to go into any detail.

 

“Yes,” he clears his throat. “Yes, I know about the Tr- Finn.” He says this with suppressed anger.

 

“Don’t _do_ that! I wasn’t –  I’m _not_ yours. You don’t have any say in who I kiss.”

 

“I know that,” he says quietly. “But it doesn’t change the fact that I _hate_ it.” He only has honesty left.

 

“Well, Finn thinks you’re why I don’t want to take things further.”

 

“Maybe I am.”

 

She looks up quickly at this. “What do you mean?”

 

“I don’t know how many of my feelings bled over the bond. I don’t know if I was influencing you that night.”

 

“That was you! That was why I thought something was horribly wrong!” She says this with fiery accusation.

 

“Yes, that was me. I lost control. You don’t know what it was doing to me, to feel-” He stops himself.

 

“So maybe I really do want to be with Finn and it was just you in my head?” She says this almost hopefully and Ben is filled with bone-freezing terror.

 

“I don’t know,” Ben grinds out. He’s getting very upset now.

 

“Finn said you were controlling me; that’s what made me so angry. That he thought I didn’t know my own mind but I can’t stop thinking maybe he’s right. Are you – are you manipulating me, controlling m-”

 

“It doesn’t work like that, I promise. I’m not – I’ve never tried to make you think or do anything. I honestly don’t know the effect of my feelings coming over the Bond. But I promise, I _promise_ , I’ve never tried to do anything like that. I would never change anything about you, you must understand. What you mean to me, that’s because of who you _are_. I have never and will never try to change you.” He says this with tenderness and a desperate need to be believed.

 

“Okay then.” She seems satisfied with his answer. She goes quiet, and her head is down, focusing on her hands. They’re both silent for a long time; the air is charged with too many unasked questions.

 

“Do you want - may I tell you about your family?” He wants her to stop thinking about how egregiously he violated her privacy. He wants to show her how hard he’s trying.

 

“I don’t know. I’m afraid. I know now they were never coming back, that Luke lied to me, made me stay in that horrible place, all to save me from _you_ ,” she says coldly. “It’s all been lies and now that I know my mother is dead … I’m scared to learn more. I always thought that I had a mother and a father who loved me, just like everyone else. That they were coming, _they were coming_.” Her voice is shaking. He sits up and reaches out to her, letting his fingertips just touch hers. She pulls back but doesn’t reproach him.

 

“Your birthday-”

 

“You know when my birthday is? I’ve never – I’ve never known …”

 

“Yes, you were born on the 9th day of the 7th month. In high summer on Coruscant.”

 

“I have a birthday?” She seems stunned by this revelation. “I was born in the summer?” Her voice is very small and young.

 

“Well, the summer in that particular part of Coruscant. I thought it rather fitting; you have always been a creature of the sun.” She frowns a little at his attempt to bring some levity.

 

He hesitates a bit before bringing up her mother. “I have a holofilm, of your mother.”

 

“What? You what?” She’s trembling now.

 

“The orphanage where Luke found you, they had it. Would you – would you like to see it?”

 

She’s stunned silent again. She just keeps looking at him. Finally he reaches into his pocket and draws it out. Wordlessly he hands it to her. She takes it, fine tremors in her hands as she sees her mother’s face for the first time.

 

“She … she looks like me,” Rey whispers.

 

“Yes, my – yes, Rey.” He wants so badly to hold her.

 

She holds the image in her hands for a long time, memorizing her face, noting that she has her mother’s nose and wide hazel eyes. She looks up at him and her eyes – the eyes of her mother – are bright with tears. “Thank you,” she whispers.

 

“Oh Rey … I would give you the galaxy if I could.” He reaches out again and this time she lets him put his hand on hers. He closes his eyes and savors the feeling of her small hand under his. He curls his fingers under hers and captures it. She doesn’t pull away and his heart _sings_.

 

“And my father?”

 

Ben is quiet and finally says, “Luke didn’t explain?”

 

“No, he said I needed to talk with you. That ‘this was all Ben’s hair-brained scheme so he’s going to be the one to tell you.’” She looks at him expectantly.

 

“You have no father.”

 

“So he just left my mother pregnant with me; never took responsibility?” She sounds lost and very hurt.

 

“No, I mean it quite literally. You have no father. You’re a child of the Force.”

 

She frowns and says, “I didn’t think you were the sort to make jokes.”

 

“I’m not joking, Rey. The Force … it brought you into existence. You truly have no father.”

 

“I … but that doesn’t make any sense. How does that even happen?” She’s very confused now.

 

“It’s happened before. My grandfather –”

 

“Darth Vader?”

 

“Anakin Skywalker. He was a child of the Force, too. He was meant to do great things. I suppose, from a certain point of view, he did.”

 

“But, I’m nobody, no one …” He squeezes her hand a little at that.

 

“No, you’re very special. I don’t know how you can’t see it, how brilliantly you shine. You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever known. In fact, when I found out about your origins it was as if nothing else could possibly have been true. It explains so much.”

 

“What do you mean?” She sounds almost afraid again.

 

“I mean you’re incredibly strong with the Force; stronger than I am, stronger than Luke. Maybe even stronger than Snoke. You grew up hard – no, let me say this. Jakku, what a rough and difficult place … and you did it all on your own. And somehow you’ve held onto such shining light and goodness. Anyone else would have sunk into despair years ago. But not you. You brim with hope and light, and, oh Rey …” he trails off, not sure how else to explain.

 

“I don’t know how to be the woman you see.”

 

“That’s only because you’ve been told you were nothing for far too long. You _are_ the woman I see.” He pulls her hand to him, holding it against his chest. She stiffens for a moment then relaxes. He senses a gentle warmth in the Bond.

 

“I want so much to show you, show you every day how deeply I … how much I care for you.” He won’t frighten her with the intensity of his love. She’s not ready.

 

The sun is beginning to set and they need to head back soon or be caught in the dark.

 

“We should go back,” he says.

 

This seems to bring her back to reality and she gently pulls her hand back from his. He feels the loss keenly.

 

“Will you eat dinner with me, Rey?” he entreats.

 

“I can’t, it’s too soon … Ben.”

 

“But … I …” He doesn’t know what he wants to say. He just doesn’t want to part from her.

 

“I know, I feel it, I know. Please, just give me time. I’m not saying no.” She realizes how that could sound and hurries to add, “I’m not saying yes, either.”

 

Ben is bitterly disappointed but he knows he must respect her wishes. “Alright, Rey. Whatever you want.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Meaghan M/Juulna/BB-2 for her customary magic. She beta'd something like six chapters in three days. You're a peach!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, for letting me go on and on about my story for almost an hour before telling me about his first day at a new job. Bad wife, no biscuit.
> 
> Thank you readers! It was super fun chatting with you yesterday about the Reunion. You're all magical unicorns of love and joy.
> 
> Come on, let's go torture Ben some more. You know you want to ...


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old nemesis threatens our Adorable Space Cupcakes. Space Hippie is actually useful.

He’s in a conference room surrounded by the Resistance’s top leaders. They’re very wary of him and he realizes just how much his mother has risked in bringing him here. She’s called in every favor she’s ever had to get him this deal.

 

“Do you prefer Kylo Ren or Ben Solo,” a blonde human officer asks. She looks pinched and disapproving.

 

“Ben Solo.” He tries not to show his frustration with the question.  As if they didn’t already know.

 

“You’ve already provided us with an extensive list of First Order bases, of which we have been able to verify approximately 40%. Your job with us will be to continue to provide any information you possess and then assist us in planning future operations. Do you consent to this?” the officer requests.

 

“Unreservedly,” Ben intones.

 

The meeting drones on for hours.

 

\---

 

Ben is in her meditation field, trying to untangle himself after hours of pulling out every morsel of First Order intelligence he can remember. He’s here not because he feels guilty but because he _doesn’t_. These people were his allies for half of his life and he had expected this to be difficult. But instead he just feels a satisfied sense of justice; an odd peaceful vengeance. It’s as if he’s woken up from an extremely long sleep. He feels he should have felt some sense that he was betraying them. Not Snoke, never Snoke. Snoke deserves everything that’s coming to him. But he knows he’s consigning good people to death and he’s bothered by how much he doesn’t care.

 

He doesn’t want to be a traitor, he doesn’t want to be like FN-2187, but he knows he is. And for the same reasons even. He can’t kill for the First Order any longer. He’s not sure he can kill for _anyone_ any longer. What has she _done_ to him?

 

He sits down to meditate – he hopes it will bring him peace, allow him to understand himself better. He breathes in deeply, clearing his mind. He’s in a deep trance when he hears it.

 

“Boy, you dare defy me!” hisses through his mind. The cold fury of Snoke fills his head and Ben is instantly terrified. Phasma must have returned empty handed.

 

“You think you can just leave? I made you, you _belong to me._ ” He thunders in his head and it’s so painful. He’s filled with a frigid sense of dread and he uses every bit of his Force training to block Snoke out. He feels him recede slightly, but his presence still pushes hard against him. He’s gasping and more afraid than he’s ever been. What if Snoke saw? What if he’s put Rey in terrible danger? Rey! He’s on his feet and running to Luke before he even thinks to do it.

 

As he runs he feels her pushing across the Bond. “Ben, Ben, are you alright?” She sounds as frightened as he feels.

 

“Yes, yes, precious girl, I’m alright, I can’t explain now, I promise I will,” and he withdraws, afraid to divert his focus away from keeping Snoke _out_.

 

He finds Luke in the sparring room, practicing saber forms. He rushes in, gasping for breath.

 

“Ben, what is it?” Luke says in alarm.

 

“Snoke – Snoke was in my head. I’ve blocked him but I don’t know how long I can keep it up. He’s very strong.” Ben’s eyes are full of fear.

 

“Snoke? He can do that? Do you have a Force Bond with him as well?” Luke sounds deeply unsettled.

 

“No, I don’t think so, it’s only ever gone one way. He could talk to me when I was at the Academy, but it stopped years ago. Once he had me.” The ever-present shame wells up in him. Ben feels Snoke pushing harder. He grabs his head.

 

“You have to help me,” Ben gasps. He falls to his knees and starts rocking, pain blooming in his head as Snoke increases his attack.

 

Just then, Rey races into the room and takes in Ben keening and beating at his head. She’s on her knees in front of him in an instant. She puts her hands over his and screams, “Ben!” but he can barely hear her. He senses his uncle coming closer to him. He feels Luke wave his hand and he falls into a deep Force sleep.

 

\---

Ben is in his bed when he wakes up. Luke is sitting in the corner while Rey is by his head, asleep with half her body slouched over his bed. Her hand is right next to his, as if she couldn’t quite bring herself to hold it. Ben’s dark eyes meet his uncle’s and they stare at each other for a long time.

 

“What happened,” Ben whispers.

 

“I’ve kept you under for a few hours; Snoke finally gave up,” Luke murmurs quietly.

 

“What am I going to do? I don’t think I’m strong enough to keep him out.” Ben is terrified.

 

“We’ll work on that. I think between the three of us we’ll be able to block him. Snoke can’t keep it up forever; I think it takes a great deal of energy to reach across the light years. Well, it should at least.”

 

“Did he see – do you think he knows where we are?”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. He seemed to be projecting his consciousness into you. I think he only sees what you’re seeing or thinking about at the time. Did you think about D’Qar?”

 

“No, I only thought about the danger, about Rey. Oh, Uncle, that means he knows about Rey!” Ben is horrified.

 

At his desperate tone, Rey starts to stir. She lifts her head and blinks confusedly, not quite sure where she is. Ben wants to reach out and stroke her hair, finally feel that silk between his long fingers, but he doesn’t. He sees the moment she remembers herself and sits up fully, looking embarrassed. He wants to tell her how much it means to him that she’s here.

 

“Yes, that’s likely true,” Luke says.

 

“What’s true,” Rey asks.

 

Ben steels himself and says, “Snoke knows about you, probably about the Force Bond, too.”

 

“Oh. Why does that matter?”

 

“He knows how to get to me, how to control me. He knows my weakness,” Ben says. She looks away.

 

“Tomorrow morning, we’ll start working on your mental defenses. If we have to, every time he comes, we’ll put you under again.”

 

“I should leave; I’m putting everyone in danger.”

 

“No!” Rey looks surprised to have spoken.

 

“I agree with Rey. It would kill your mother and you can’t keep him out on your own. If you leave it will only be a matter of time until Snoke finds you,” Luke says.

 

“Maybe that’s what I deserve. I won’t put Rey in danger – you, Mother. I won’t.”

 

“Well we’ll just have to make sure you don’t, then.” Luke stands and continues, “I need to go tell Leia what’s happened. She’s going to skin me alive for not having told her immediately as it is.” And with that, Luke is gone, leaving Ben and Rey alone.

 

“How, uhm … how are you feeling?” Rey asks nervously.

 

“Better. My head hurts but it’s no longer like knives scraping along my brain.” Ray wrinkles her nose at that and looks troubled.

 

“Thank you for staying,” Ben says.

 

“I … yeah, sure,” she says looking embarrassed.

 

“Rey, I know you never would have chosen this, to be Bound to me. I know you hate it. But you came anyway. You felt me hurting and you came. Thank you.”

 

“I don’t.”

 

“Don’t what?” Ben asks in confusion.

 

“I don’t hate it. I don’t like what you did with it. I hate the choices you made, choices you made for me. But I don’t hate the Bond. You weren’t the only one who … who felt something on _Starkiller_.” She can’t look him in the eyes. “I know you didn’t do it on purpose, I know I didn’t do it on purpose. I may not like how you used it, but I can’t deny it brought you home. I love Leia, I love Luke, and they’re both so happy to have you here. How can I hate it?”

 

He’s torn. He’s elated that she doesn’t regret it, but he wants her to _want_ the Bond with him instead of simply being happy for his family. He wants so many things – wants, and wants, and _wants_. He reaches for her hand and she pulls away.

 

“Please, let me touch you, please,” he says, just like in their shared dream. Her eyes fly to his and narrow. She knows he’s said that deliberately.

 

“Please.”

 

She pauses for a very long time and slowly puts her hand in his. He closes his eyes in pleasure. The light in his room is dim and it suddenly feels very intimate. She looks afraid. He tries to soothe her by brushing his thumb against her hand.

 

“Do you think you will ever be able to forgive me?” he asks quietly.

 

“I don’t know. I don’t even know if I want to try,” she says honestly. That hurts.

 

“Then why are you here?”

 

“Because you were hurting. I’ve already told you, I can’t bear it when you hurt. That night, with your grandfather … your pain, it cut and stabbed and rent me in two. How can you even feel so much? All I could do was try to hold you in my mind once you’d calmed enough to feel me.” He remembers the warmth that surrounded him, how her light had come to him unbidden when he’d refused himself the comfort of _her_.

 

“You know this is forever, don’t you?” he asks.

 

“Yes, Luke told me.” He wonders if the time spent at his bedside has helped her forgive his uncle for Jakku.

 

“Will you let me try?”

 

“What do you mean, try?”

 

“I want … I want to start over, to learn you as I should have done. Through words and shared experiences. You’re right, I did take. I took so much without asking. You _saved_ me Rey, and you never knew you were doing it. I should never have done it, and yet I cannot bring myself to regret it.” He holds her hand between his and looks deeply into her amazing hazel eyes. Her lips are parted and she looks so perfect as she breathes shallowly, obviously moved by his words.

 

“I can’t do that. I can’t forget and just start over. I’m sorry.” She pulls her hand from his and stands up. “I should go,” she says suddenly.

 

“Al-alright.” It’s not alright. It’s not alright at all but he has _no choice_.

 

“You should sleep now. Force sleep is unnatural and leaves you very tired.” She snorts and says, “I should know.” Ben looks away in shame. “I’m sorry, that was cruel of me. I can’t give you what you want, I don’t know if I ever can, but I shouldn’t keep lashing out at you. I know how sincere you are, I feel it in everything you say and do. I’m sorry.” She’s sorry? His darling girl is apologizing to _him_?

 

“No, you’ve nothing to apologize for, I deserve it; I deserve it all. I know I do.”

 

“Why do you do that?”

 

“Do what?” he asks in confusion.

 

“You always say you deserve it, whatever it is – do you think so little of yourself?”

 

Ben considers this and knows that he does, of course he does. He deserves every bit of scorn and anger from her and his family. He is a murderer and has done unspeakable things while steeped in the Dark. He doesn’t expect anything else. Why should he?

 

“It’s not that I think so little of myself. It’s that it’s simply true. After what I’ve done, any kindness I receive is because of the inherent goodness of the giver, not my right to receive it.”

 

“Do you hate yourself that much?”

 

Ben whispers, “Yes.”

 

Before he understands what’s happening, she’s thrown her arms around him and is holding him tight. He’s shocked and takes a moment to recover himself. Then he wraps his arms around her in return and he buries his face in her hair and breathes her in and he’s just realizing she’s in his arms when she pulls from him and runs from his room.

 

He’s filled with joy at the fleeting warmth of holding her in his arms for the first time, breathing in her intoxicating scent. He’s confused by her running from him, but he knows now that he has _hope_. He lies down and closes his eyes, and replays the feeling of holding her to him. Over and over he remembers her smaller form clasped close to his. He remembers her delicate scent, clean and pure and entirely her. For the first time in days he _drifts_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What more can I say about Meaghan M/Juulna, my absolute gem of a beta? She makes this whole experience that much more amazing through her kindness and friendship (and wicked sense of humor).
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who indulged me in a very long conversation about Han Solo, Ben Solo, and Chewie. His insight into the male psyche is essential to this story.
> 
> Thank you, beautiful readers! I treasure every comment and every reader. A special shout-out to Jinga who left a comment on each chapter last night. Fifteen new comments all at once was awesome, thanks ducks and welcome to my mad little story!
> 
> Back to our regularly scheduled Ben Solo Pain Train.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All aboard the Ben Solo Pain Train! Will our Space Cupcake continue to find hope or will he fall flat on his face?

He’s just spent the day hashing out plans with the Resistance leaders. A strike is planned for a weapons manufacturing plant and he’s exhausted. It’s been several days and Snoke has left him alone. He finds he almost wishes he wouldn’t; the quiet more terrifying than something tangible to fight against. He’s walking the base when he turns a corner, entering the hangar, and sees Rey and Chewie talking about something heatedly. She’s pointing to the _Falcon_ repeatedly and Chewie is roaring, something about how what she has planned is a bad idea. Chewie sees him and stops mid-growl and just stares at him. Ben doesn’t know what to do so he stands there, looking back. Rey stops, confused, and then follows Chewie’s eyes. Her brows shoot up and she looks between Ben and his adopted uncle. Chewie shakes himself, roars, and turns on his heel and walks in the opposite direction.

 

Ben pulls himself from his stupor and starts to follow. This has been coming for a long time and he knows he needs to do this. This is the last person he must face, and he is by far the hardest.

 

Rey runs up to him and says, “Stop, don’t, he’s not ready.”

 

Ben turns to her and says, “He’ll never be ready, Rey. I have to at least try. If he never wants to speak to me ever again, I’ll respect that, but he deserves for me to at least try … Both of them do.” He raises his hand as if to touch her, but remembers himself and lets his hand drop uselessly to his side.

 

She looks up at him and reaches out for him, surprising him as she takes his hand in hers. “Okay, Ben, okay.” He wants to simply stand there all day, holding her hand, losing himself in her touch, but he knows this is ridiculous. He gives her one last look and turns to follow Chewie, squeezing her hand before reluctantly letting it go.

 

He jogs after Chewie, catching up to the giant, furry beast. “Chewbacca?”

 

< _You don’t speak to me._ >

 

“I know, I know. I know I don’t deserve anything from you, but I have to tell you, have to …” he trails off – he knows there is nothing he can say.

 

< _What happened to my Ben? How did he turn into that monster, the monster who murdered his own father, how?_ > Chewie bellows, sounding like a wounded thing.

 

“I wish I knew. I have no excuses, nothing I can say. I would take it back, give my life for his, I would do anything to make it not have happened. But I can’t. I can’t change what I did. I’m so desperately sorry. I’m so, so sorry Unc-.” At this Chewie roars ferociously.

 

< _No. I will be on this base with you. I will not kill you where you stand. I will even accept that you are Bound to Sunshine, but you will not address me as Uncle._ >

 

“Alright, I won’t. I’ll leave you alone, I just … I had to tell you, I had to try.” Ben turns to leave when he feels great furry arms grab him and pull him close.

 

< _I am sorry I shot you, Little Ben,_ > Chewie growls, and before Ben knows it Chewie releases him and strides away.

 

Ben stands there, shocked. He doesn’t understand what just happened. Chewie hasn’t called him Little Ben since well before he left for the Academy. He feels a small hand on his bicep.

 

“Chewie loves you,” Rey says. She must have felt his confusion through the Bond.

 

“I … I don’t know what just happened.”

 

“Chewie needs time.” She looks at him meaningfully. “Time to take it all in, understand that you’re here now, that you’ve really changed. That takes time. Do you understand what I’m saying?” He’s not sure he does, but he thinks she might be talking about herself. He nods hesitantly. She smiles.

 

“Good,” she breathes. “Good.”

 

Ben watches her walk away and wonders how he’s going to bear giving her time. He can still feel her fingers on him. Being near her like this, never being allowed to touch, never delving into her intoxicating light, living on the fleeting scraps she gives him … He’s certain he’ll lose his mind. Patience has never been his strong suit.

 

\---

 

He’s been on D’Qar for three weeks now. Snoke has attacked two more times. He was able to fight him off the first time, but Luke had to put him under for the second. He’s a little on edge, sitting in the dining hall, having just finished dinner when a young woman with long red hair sits next to him.

 

She says, brightly, “Hi! I’m Myla.” She thrusts her hand out and he takes it on reflex, shaking it.

 

“Uhm, hello Myla, I’m B-”

 

“Ben, I know. You’re the General’s son, everyone knows who _you_ are.” She keeps smiling at him, a wide infectious grin, and he finds himself smiling back.

 

“So I’ve noticed that you keep to yourself.”

 

“I, uh, I don’t really know anyone here.”

 

“Oh, that’s not true; I see how you look at Rey.” Myla is very forthright. It makes Ben uncomfortable.

 

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” he says stiffly.

 

“Come on, seriously? That’s what you’re going with? It’s obvious to anyone with eyes that you’re completely over the moons for her.” Myla snorts.

 

“Well, yes, uhm …” Ben stutters.

 

“What I can’t figure out is why you aren’t trying harder.”

 

“It’s complicated,” Ben mutters.

 

“What’s complicated about it? You like her, I’m pretty sure she likes you – she looks at you enough. Go get her, I say.”

 

“I’m working on it,” he grumbles.

 

“Well, someone has been sending her little gifts via BB-8 for a few weeks now. You don’t want to be late to the party and find someone’s already spiked the punch if you know what I mean.”

 

Ben just gapes at her. Does she have no shame?

 

“What? You snooze you lose and I’m pretty sure she’d rather be with you than whoever’s sending her flowers and pretty rocks.”

 

Ben clears his throat. “And do you know who is sending her these … _tokens_?” He tries not to sound possessive but fails.

 

“Nope, no idea. You could ask BB-8, though. Maybe if you get it on your side it’ll tell you. BB-8 is quite the romantic; been trying to set me up with Poe for _ages_.” Ben feels like he’s entered some alternate dimension where up is down. This woman is so overwhelming. He notices something is bothering Rey; she’s scowling down at her dinner. Once again the temptation to look in her mind is _crippling_.

 

“Why do you care, exactly?” He’s determined to take some control in this strange conversation.

 

“Oh, me an’ BB-8 are tight and whoever’s sending bits and bobs isn’t as popular with BB-8 as you are. Something about the droids agreeing that you’re the bachelor for the job.” This brings him up short. Her droids? They’re on his side? He still feels like he has no real purchase on what’s happening.

 

“Well, Solo, it was nice chatting. You better get crackin’. Don’t want her to be the one who got away, now do you? I don’t want to see you moping around here like someone kicked his tryla.” And with a flash of fiery hair the whirling force of nature is gone and Ben breathes in relief.   _What_ was that? She’d said she thinks Rey likes him and he can’t help the stupid grin that spreads across his face.

 

Rey slams her tray down and stalks away. Ben is instantly worried. He strains to feel something without crossing his very carefully defined lines, but he only senses that she’s angry. He hopes he hasn't done anything wrong.

 

\---

 

It’s time for the attack on the First Order weapons facility and he’s in the control room with his mother. He’s nervous; this is the first action taken on his information and he’s hoping it goes well. He has no illusions that he’s here on anything other than probation, General for a mother or no. Surprisingly, his identity has not spread past those that need to know or already knew his face. He supposes that the Traitor and the Pilot have more honor than he’d originally thought. The Trait –Finn, he thinks; Finn – is here too, still in training to be a pilot. This is an X-Wing only operation, no ground support. Ben wonders if they’ll send him into battle, wonders if he could still function in that capacity. He had been a brutally efficient warrior, no hesitation and no mercy. Now? He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to wield his saber again.

 

He’s only half listening to the chatter on the comms. Rey has joined and he can’t help but be focused on her. She’s been avoiding him more than usual lately and he’s concerned. He knows she said she needed time and he’s trying so hard to give it to her, but he’s close to breaking and begging her to spend just a few minutes with him, let him be in her presence for just a moment. His dreams are tormenting him and he knows she’s never truly in them. The thought of her seeing what he dreams about her makes his cheeks heat and his hands sweat.

 

She looks at him, holds his eyes. He smiles at her with hope and she just looks away. His stomach sinks. What has he done? Maybe it’s everything; maybe now that she’s had time to think about it she’s decided she wants nothing to do with him.

 

He hears the Pilot – Poe, he has to start thinking about him as Poe – come over the comms. “This is black leader. Are we a go?”

 

“Copy that, black leader, you are good to deliver the package.”

 

He hears Poe hoot through the channel, ready to start their bombing run. Rey still won’t look at him.

 

He half listens as the weapons facility is attacked. With no warning, the First Order is overwhelmed easily. They had selected this target specifically because it wasn’t well guarded. The Order had relied on the security of the location and that was a mistake.

 

He’s looking out over the map of the operation, watching as the base is destroyed, when he feels a hip bump against his. “So, not gonna listen to Auntie Myla, hmm? She’s due for another, what did you call ‘em? Token, yeah, another token. They come every few days, a week at the latest. You really need to up your game, Solo.” He can’t help but smile at this odd woman who seems to be on his side.

 

“I told you, I’m working on it.”

 

“Well I haven’t seen you do bantha spit, so I think your approach may be a little too subtle.”

 

“She has requested space,” he says rather formally.

 

“She doesn’t act like a woman who wants space. Don’t you notice her looking at you?” He hasn’t in fact. She always seems to concentrate on _everything_ but him. He looks over at her again and she looks angry. Angry?

 

“Listen, I need to focus on this, uh, Myla …”

 

“Sure, sure, I’m just telling you, you really need to get on this.” She walks away, smiling.

 

Rey looks furious and he’s so confused. She looks at him for a moment then turns and walks out of the control room. Ben looks to his mother and she just nods for him to go, smiling that secret mother smile, and he’s more confused than ever. He follows out after Rey.

 

He catches up with her outside. It’s a clear night and the moons are full. He can see her clearly in the moonlight. She’s standing next to a large tree and seems to be holding onto herself tightly.

 

“Rey?”

 

She whips around and looks murderous. “Go away.”

 

“I know you wanted space, I’m trying to give it to you, but what’s wrong, my – what’s wrong?”

 

“Space, ha,” she snorts.

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

“I’m sure Myla can explain it to you.” Her voice absolutely drips venom.

 

“Myla, what? You said you wanted space – what does Myla have to do with that?”

 

“So I’m not ready and you just figure Myla can be a distraction until I can forgive you? Is that it? I can’t believe I was ever stupid enough to believe that you migh–”

 

“Stop, please stop. I don’t understand any of this.”

 

She crosses her arms in front of her chest and glares at him sullenly. “Myla,” she grinds out.

 

“What about her?” He’s completely lost.

 

“Like you don’t know.”

 

“I don’t, I truly don’t. She’s only …” He’s embarrassed now. How to explain how he’s been pining, and how Myla noticed, but didn’t understand the situation? He doesn’t want Rey to know how pathetic he really is.

 

“Only a way to pass the time while naive little me gets her head together?”

 

“Pass the time – what? No!” He suddenly realizes what she thinks and he goes pale. “Oh, no, please, no, it’s nothing like that I swear. I told you before, no one but you. No one.”

 

“I wasn’t sure if you remembered. It was a dream for you.” Her voice is very small.

 

“I remember everything. I remember every moment I’ve ever had with you.” He starts to reach out and then, frustrated, pushes his hands into his pockets to remind himself. “I’ve only been giving you space, like you asked. That is what you meant that day, wasn’t it?” He’s suddenly struck with fear that he’s misunderstood; that maybe she thinks he’s ignoring her.

 

“It’s what I meant. I did want space, I did. But … seeing you with her, with her beautiful red hair … I thought … I thought, why would you keep bothering with me, especially when I keep pushing you away? You were smiling like a nerf herder after she left the table the other day.” She says the last with a hint of accusation.

 

“Do you know why that was?” He can’t help himself, he takes one hand out of his pocket and tilts her chin up so she’s looking in his eyes. “It was because Myla told me that you like me.”

 

“Oh.” Rey looks away for a moment then moves her eyes back to his. “So, you and Myla …”

 

“There is no me and Myla; there never could be. Only you, only ever you.”

 

“And if I said I don’t want any more space?”

 

“Then you would make me very happy indeed,” he says with low intensity. His fingers are still holding her chin, keeping her looking at him. She doesn’t pull away.

 

He feels a strange energy between them as they look into each other’s eyes. He hesitantly pulls his other hand from his pocket and places it around her waist, pulling her closer, keeping her face tipped up towards his. She’s blinking slowly.

 

“Tell me to stop,” he breathes. He’s lost in her eyes and he never wants to be found. He leans forward slightly, his hand tightening at her waist. Her lips part and her eyes are so deep and dark in the moonlight.

 

“Tell me you don’t want this,” he whispers. She moves her head up slightly more, as if she’s pulled closer to him by some invisible string. He feels like she’s looking into his soul. A light whimper escapes him as he closes the final few inches of distance, his eyes slide shut, and he catches her lips with his. He’s never felt anything like it, her soft yet firm body pressed against his, her sweet perfect lips as he kisses her. He moves his hand from her face to cup the back of her head and he pulls her closer still, deepening the kiss. She’s gasping and he runs his tongue along her opened lips, and she parts them further, letting him in. Oh, she’s letting him in and he thinks he’s never known happiness like this. His tongue dances along hers and he’s tasting her, consuming her. It’s a heady bliss and he feels her push against the Bond. For a moment he thinks she wants to share that too but then he feels her hands begin to flutter against him. He opens his eyes and he feels her pull away.

 

She looks at him with absolute terror in her eyes. He steps back in confusion, his hands falling to his sides. Her lips are swollen from his attentions and she’s so impossibly beautiful.

 

“I’m sorry, I can’t, I’m sorry.” She turns and rushes from him.

 

For the first time in a long while he feels the Dark swirl in him. He’s so desperate for her and he _knows_ she wants him _back_. He _felt_ it. And now she’s running from him and he wants very much to destroy something. He’s grateful he doesn’t keep his saber with him any longer; he is fairly certain he would lose control and destroy some hapless droid. Instead he starts to run towards the forest. He runs and he runs, the moonlight keeping him from losing his way. He runs to her clearing and he throws his head back and he screams and screams and _screams_ into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Meaghan M/Juulna. You are so good at what you do. I like the way you think things through, you make me so much better than I would be without your thoughtful questions.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who continues to have the patience of a saint.
> 
> Thank you readers and commenters! Interacting with you is the highlight of my day.
> 
> Oh, and I've joined Tumblr, come say hi! http://perrydowning.tumblr.com/


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Cupcake is in a bad way. Will our Space Queen find it in her heart to let him in?

He doesn’t know what to do. She’s destroying him. He can’t think, he can’t sleep, he can barely eat. He doesn’t know what to do! He loves her so fiercely, but she’s taking him apart, piece by piece. He wants to howl, he wants to cry, but mostly he just _needs_ her. Why is she doing this to him? Why does she make him suffer so? He knows he deserves it but he’s beginning to wonder if he should leave. If she’ll never let him … being near her like this is killing him.

 

He’s been on the base for two months now and he’s only just functioning. He doesn’t leave his room unless he has to for mission briefings or planning sessions. His mother is very worried about him; he feels it through the Force and sees it on her face. She’s tried talking to him, but he just tells her everything is fine, he’s just adjusting. He can tell she knows he’s lying but she doesn’t press. She knows what’s really wrong anyway.

 

He’s been such a snarling bastard to Myla that she ignores him now. He sees her shake her head sadly from time to time.

 

He hears Rey’s door close, knows she’s _right there_. What was the point, he thinks as he wallows in self-pity. He realizes he hasn’t eaten in a day, maybe two, and prepares to force himself to go to the dining hall.

 

He’s finishing his breakfast when he senses someone. Poe, of all people, sits down across from him.

 

“Listen. I don’t like you. I’m not ever gonna like you. I’ll never forgive you for what you did to my head, got that?”

 

Ben nods slowly, not sure what to expect from this conversation.

 

“You look like hell, kid. You’re turning yourself inside out and Rey is just as miserable. This has got to end.”

 

“It can’t end, it can’t ever end – we’re _Bound_.” Ben just sounds utterly defeated.

 

“Well both of you have gotta snap out of it. It’s getting stupid. She’s a shadow of herself and you look like the wrong end of a sarlaac.”

 

“What would you have me do? She’s made her wishes plain.”

 

“Fight for her, you moof milker.”

 

“Fight for her – _fight for her_?” Ben’s voice drops to a low growl as he says furiously, “I left the stars-be-damned First Order for her! I turned my back on _everything_ for her! What more could I possibly do to fight for her?” Ben is angry now.

 

“Exactly! Don’t just take it lying down. So what, she’s a little scared. Talk to her. Make her listen to you. It’s obvious to everyone but that damned idiot sending her crap that she’s in love with you!”

 

Ben’s temper dies out immediately.

 

“She’s what?” he whispers.

 

“She’s in love with you. She wouldn’t be acting like this if she wasn’t. She’s scared. She’s never been in love before and she’s terrified that if she lets you in you’ll just hurt her like everyone else always has. Even Luke betrayed her. Girl’s got trust issues from here to the Outer Rim. Make her believe in you.” And with that Poe is gone.

 

Ben sits back, completely stunned. She loves him? But … she won’t even look at him. It doesn’t make any sense. But Poe’s right, something has to change. He really will lose his mind if it doesn’t.

 

\---

 

He finds her in her clearing. Her droids are with her.

 

“Hello,” he says quietly.

 

She looks up and then away. She doesn’t say anything.

 

He goes down on one knee in front of the tallest droid and says, “I need to speak with her alone, could you give us some privacy?” He hopes what Myla said is true, that the droids really are on his side. It chirps happily and all of the sudden the flock of droids chatter and start to roll and waddle away.

 

“Hey, where are you going?” Her tone is frustrated.

 

The tall droid beeps something that sounds a bit rude—he never could understand binary—but the droids all keep moving.  Soon Ben and Rey are alone. He stands.

 

“Rey,” he says lowly.

 

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

 

“Too bad.”

 

“What?!” She sounds indignant.

 

“Too bad, we’re talking. Now.”

 

“Well what if I don’t want to?” She has all of her defenses up.

 

“I know that’s not true,” he says. She scoffs and turns away from him.

 

“Rey … I know you’re scared.” He sees her stiffen. “What do I need to do to prove to you that you don’t have to be afraid of me?”

 

“I’m not afraid of you,” she says with false bravado.

 

“Then what is it? I know you … I know you feel something for me.” She doesn’t deny it.

 

She keeps quiet, looking at the forest floor.

 

“Rey, please talk to me. I’ve done everything you’ve asked but it’s killing me. Do you, do you want me to leave the base?” His voice cracks.

 

She looks up quickly at this. “No!” she gasps out.

 

“Then what, Rey, please tell me what to do. I can’t go on like this, I _can’t_.”

 

“What happens after?” She sounds like she’s very young.

 

“After?”

 

“After you’re tired of me and you throw me away, too. Everyone, _everyone_ has always thrown me away. I thought I could trust Luke but he abandoned me! Why would you be any different?” She’s holding herself like she’s all of 6 years old.

 

He feels his eyes prick and he realizes he has forgotten so many of the lessons of Jakku; how she kept herself away, how she’s always protected herself like this. He feels incredibly stupid.

 

“Listen to me. Rey, are you listening to me?” She finally looks up.

 

“I love you. That’s what’s different. I _love_ you. I will always love you. We’re Bound; I couldn’t leave you even if I wanted to. And I won’t ever want to.”

 

Her eyes go wide at his declaration and she’s quiet for a long time. “I don’t know how to trust you. I told you I didn’t know how to forgive you but that’s not true. I think I forgave you as soon as I saw how hard you fought to stay out of my head once you realized it was wrong. It’s that I don’t know how to _trust_ you. I don’t know how to trust _anyone_.”

 

“It will take time. I’ll have to earn it. Will you let me try? Please, let me try.” he entreats with love in his eyes.

 

“I …” She just looks at him and then suddenly she’s wrapped around him. He’s startled, but he pulls her close, so very close and rests his cheek against the top of her head. He can’t believe she’s in his arms. Holding her like this, he’s undone.

 

“Oh, Rey. I’ll show you. I’ll prove to you that you can trust me. You can trust me with your heart, your soul. I will protect them as if they were dearer to me than my own. Do you know why?” He feels her shake her head against his chest. “Because they are.”

 

“Will you let me try?” He pleads again.

 

“Yes, Ben. Yes I’ll let you try.”

 

\---

 

They’re walking back to the base and he feels like he’s in the most perfect dream and he never, _ever_ wants to wake up. She’s letting him hold her hand as they walk and the subtle pulse of _her_ beats through him. She seems more at peace; she’s not about to pull away at any moment. He knows he needs to go slow, but he wants very much to take her back to his room and just hold her. He can’t think of how to achieve this without pushing her. He’s very mindful of his experience and her lack. He hopes she will forgive him for that, for not knowing, for not waiting. Everything had been meaningless when he was younger, why not that too? Now he just feels like it’s a taint he can’t wash off.

 

“Where are you?” She asks.

 

“Oh, just thinking about the past.”

 

“What about it?”

 

“Regrets …”

 

She stops them then, on the path. She pulls him closer to her and looks up into his oddly beautiful face. She places her hand on his cheek and slowly traces his jaw, almost hesitantly at first. There are sparks of energy where her fingers trail, as if some kind of connection is forged when they touch. He closes his eyes and feels her small fingers move against his face.

 

“Someday you’ll have to forgive yourself,” she says gently.

 

He thinks of his father. “Oh, Rey, no … some things are simply unforgivable. But let’s not talk about that; it doesn’t matter.” He doesn’t want to talk about the past. He wants to be here, now, with his darling, treasured love.

 

She still has her hand on his cheek and she’s looking deeply into his eyes when he sees heat bloom in hers. She goes up on her toes and with both of her hands she pulls his face down towards hers. He’s very surprised by this turn of events and his brain has only just caught up when he feels her lips against his. She’s hesitant and unpracticed but it’s _perfect_. He can’t help himself and he lets out a quiet moan as she flicks her tongue against his upper lip, asking for entrance. He puts both of his hands at her waist and pulls her into him, opening his mouth to welcome her. She draws her tongue along his lip and darts in, tasting him. He whimpers helplessly into her, kissing her deeply in return.

 

After what seems like an age he pulls back and rests his forehead against hers. “Thank you ...“ he breathes.

 

“For what?”

 

“For giving me this chance, for being here with me – stars, for being _alive_. Everything, all of it. Thank you.”

 

She smiles and starts to move away, but she takes his hand again and pulls him along the trail. “Time to get back to the base, Ben. Can’t spend all day kissing in the forest!” There’s a gleefulness to her that fills him with joy and pride.

 

They walk through the base hand in hand. Rey is oblivious, like she had been with her droids, but Ben notices all the pointing, and the surprised, as well as smug, expressions. He’s pretty sure he sees credits exchange hands.

 

He walks her to her room and hesitates at the door.

 

“Do you have any plans for dinner?” he asks.

 

“Uhm, not really. I usually just eat with Finn and Poe.”

 

“Would you sit with me tonight? I’d like very much to spend more time with you.”

 

“Sure, I mean, yes, I’d like that.”

 

“Excellent, thank you.” He takes her hand and kisses it. “I’ll see you at dinner then.”

 

He turns and walks to his own room, not looking back. She’s so tempting, and she’d been so bold, that he knows if he looks back he’ll push her into her room and onto her bed – going slow be damned.

 

\---

 

He’s in his room, lost in thought when his comm chirps. “The General requests you join her in her office at your earliest convenience,” an efficient voice informs him.

 

Ben rolls his eyes. That certainly didn’t take long.

 

\---

 

“General,” Ben says respectfully.

 

“Oh, please, we’re alone. And this isn’t exactly for official purposes.” His mother winks at him – _winks_ at him! He thinks that the Resistance clearly has too much time on its hands if his personal life has become the primary source of entertainment.

 

“So …” she smiles at him. “Something you’d like to share?” She’s practically vibrating with glee.

 

“Mother ….” he groans.

 

“I couldn’t help but notice you and Rey were holding hands in front of the entire base. Until this morning, you both looked like death warmed over and now the girl is glowing. I think I could see actual light coming off of her, and you’re calm for the first time in weeks.”

 

He looks toward the ceiling, wondering if he should admit that Poe is the one who kicked him into gear.

 

“It came to my attention that perhaps Rey needed something different from me than space.”

 

“Well I could have told you that weeks ago. Her feelings for you terrify her.” Leia is serious now.

 

“Why didn’t you _tell_ me?”

 

“Would you have listened?” Ben is silent at this. Leia smiles and continues “I’m very happy to see the two of you reconciled.” She suddenly looks a little uncomfortable. “I’ve waited to start this conversation until it seemed necessary.”

 

Ben is wary. She is being every inch His Mother and it’s making him nervous.

 

“Rey is much younger than you are,” she says. Ben nods. He doesn’t like where this is going.

 

“I don’t want to know but I can only imagine what sort of experience you have.” Ben’s cheeks flame instantly.

 

“Mother, no, we are not having this conversation. I am 30 years old; it’s a little late.” Leia looks sad and he knows she’s thinking of all the time she’s missed.

 

“I think we need to. Rey is very important to me and I would be remiss if I didn’t talk with you about this. I’m nearly positive that she has no significant experience in this area –”

 

“I know! I’m aware. I won’t pressure her; did you really think that I would? I know I was lost in the Dark but I’m still … I’m still _me_.” Another piece of his soul slots into place as he sees himself that much more clearly.

 

“I know, Ben, I didn’t think you would intentionally. She’s just so fragile under all her strength. She will try very hard to please you and she might go further than she’s ready to in order to gain your approval.”

 

“Alright, I’ll be careful with her, I promise. Now can we please pretend this conversation never happened?”

 

Leia smiles broadly, enjoying her son’s embarrassment.

 

“I’m pleased for you, son. I think you’ll both be very happy.”

 

Just as Ben is getting up to leave, Snoke thunders in his head “You still think you can get away from me? You think you can keep her _safe_?” His head is suddenly filled with images of Rey being tortured, brutally. She’s covered in blood and screaming. “No!” Ben howls as he staggers to his knees, his head in his hands. He pushes back, but the images are so horrifying that he’s having trouble focusing. They keep coming; more pain, her flesh torn and shredded, and he’s shaking violently. Leia is frantically calling for Luke and Rey over the base speakers. He can barely manage to keep his head clear of information, chanting, “Keep Rey safe, keep Rey safe,” over and over to keep any other thought from escaping.

 

This is so much worse than the times before – he feels like his head is being squeezed in a vice. “You always were an impetuous, weak boy. All of this for a _woman_? You will watch her die; I will make _you kill_ _her_. You. Belong. To. Me.” More pain comes through whatever bastardized Force power this is, and Ben’s nose starts to bleed. He can’t hold on, he can’t hold on!

 

“Tell me where you are and I’ll spare her.” Snoke’s voice is taunting. Pain, pain, pain. A new onslaught of images, Rey surrounded by the Knights of Ren, Rey under the lash, Rey with yellow, darksider eyes and a red saber. Ben starts to keen and beat his head on the floor.

 

“No, Ben, no!” His mother’s voice cuts through the crippling pain and terrifying images. “Fight him – fight him with everything you have!”

 

He tries to catch his breath and focus, but it hurts so much and he’s out of his mind with fear. Rey!

 

The door bursts open and Rey is in front of him, trying to calm him down. She puts her hands on his cheeks and makes him look at her.

 

“Ben, look at me, focus on my voice.” He’s gasping and tears have joined the blood streaming down his face. “Breathe Ben, breathe. You can do this, I know you can.” He focuses on her eyes, her bright hazel eyes and she opens the Bond and floods him with her strength. He feels Snoke recede and they’re breathing in tandem. They’re kneeling together and breathing as one, eyes locked on each other. In and out, in and out. Her hands hold his face and they’re creating a feedback loop with the Force and their Bond, the energy thrumming between them. With each cycle of breathing, Ben’s head clears just a little bit more and soon Snoke is just a moth, beating its wings furiously against the closed window.

 

Luke arrives just as the danger is passing. He watches as his nephew and apprentice use their Bond like a shield.

 

Ben is breathing raggedly, and Rey throws her arms around his neck and pulls him close. “Oh, Ben, oh Ben,” she whispers urgently. He puts his arms around her waist and turns his head to lay it on her shoulder. She strokes his head and back and he shudders. Leia gives Rey a wet cloth and Rey pulls back to start wiping Ben’s face, his nosebleed having stopped. His eyes are haunted.

 

Rey tends to Ben while Luke probes gently with the Force, seeking Snoke. “He’s gone. Whatever you just did, he’s gone.”

 

“Have you ever heard of using a Force Bond like that?” Leia asks. “I’ve never seen _anything_ like what they just did. It was like they were ... one being. Did you know that Force-users could _join_ power like that?”

 

“I don’t know. There’s so much that was lost. I’ve never heard of it happening like that before, but when we have one balanced darksider and an intensely light Force child Bound together, I suspect this was new territory from the start. I don’t know what they can do, honestly.”

 

Ben is listening to it all, while Rey is only focused on him. She’s begun to tremble. She wipes the last of the blood from his face and pulls him to his feet, guiding him to the settee in the corner. She sits with him, unwilling to let him go.

 

“Ben,” she asks cautiously, “what was that; what did we do?” She sounds frightened.

 

“I think we used the Bond to join our power and somehow it pushed him out. I’ve never experienced anything like that. I could hear your heartbeat in my head. The Force, it just kept growing –”

 

“– and growing,” Rey takes over. “It was like your heart was next to mine and I breathed in and you breathed out. It was like we were –”

 

“– one,” they finish together. They look into each other’s eyes. Ben just wants to hold her.

 

Luke frowns and responds, “I don’t know what happened, but it seems to have worked. I think we’ll need to see if you can reach that state together when _not_ in mortal peril. It was almost as if you were in a deep meditative trance, only merged as one.”

 

“Ben needs to sleep; I’m going to take him to his room.” Rey stands and puts her hand out to help him up. He takes it and pulls himself to his feet. He puts an arm around her shoulders – he’s shaken and needs her close.

 

\---

 

Back at Ben’s room, Rey is still fussing. She leads him to the bed and makes him sit, and then she kneels in front of him, about to take off his boots.

 

“Rey, no, I can do that myself.”

 

She shrugs and says, “I’m already here.” She proceeds to pull his boots off one at a time and he’s struck by how wonderful it is to have her fret over him like this. To have her notice him, see him. He’s not used to being _seen_.

 

She stands up, lifts the covers, and pushes him back into the bed. “Now, it’s bedtime for you.” She hesitates. “Do you … do you want me to stay?” She won’t look him in the eyes and her cheeks are bright red. He’s not sure if she’s nervous to stay with him or just nervous for asking the question.

 

“I would like very much for you to stay, but only if you’re comfortable.” She looks relieved.

 

“I’m glad. I don’t think I could have left you alone. Oh, Ben, I was so worried. We’ve only just ... If Snoke, if he …” She trails off, her eyes full of fear.

 

“Shhhh, Rey, shhhh. I’m fine, I’m safe. Because of you.”

 

Ben lies on his side and holds the blankets back, inviting her to join him. She gives him a small smile and toes off her shoes. She lies down, her back flush to his chest. He enfolds her in his arms and she’s finally where he’s dreamed she belongs. She’s in that space, just so, where she fits perfectly. He knew she would.

 

“Ben?”

 

“Hmmm?” He’s overwhelmed with the pleasure of holding her to him. He can barely string words together.

 

“What happens now?”

 

He focuses his attention, realizing that this is important, that he can still completely mess this up if he's not careful. “That’s up to you. You know what I want.”

 

“I don’t, not really. What _do_ you want?” _Everything_ , he thinks.

 

“I want to be with you, in whatever capacity you will allow.” He tightens his arms around her, savoring the feeling of her gentle curves pulled tight against his hard angles.

 

“I want … I want to be with you, too,” she breathes.

 

He’s surprised to feel his eyes stinging, but hearing her say that she wants him, too … he’d been so focused on getting himself here that he’s completely unprepared for what it does to him to have his feelings reciprocated, even only partially.

  
His lips are near her ear and when he feels he can speak without his voice breaking, he whispers, “I love you,” as he closes his eyes and _drifts_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Meaghan M/Juulna, who provided particularly insightful comments on the most recent chapter. This led to some tweaking, so if there is rogue punctuation it was 'cause I couldn't keep my hand out of the cookie jar.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who is learning how to gently suggest that balance in regards to writing might not be such a very bad thing.
> 
> And, as always and ever, thank you to everyone who reads and takes the time to comment. It makes this such a rich, interactive experience, thank you!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy lil' Space Cupcake, well, for like a minute.

It’s twilight when he wakes, disoriented by the events and from sleeping in the middle of the day. Rey is still asleep, huffing short, regular breaths. He moves slightly so he can see her and looks down on her tranquil, perfect face. He can’t quite believe that she’s here. Yesterday he thought she’d never let him touch her again and today she didn’t want to go; wanted to stay with him. He puts aside the disturbing thought of Snoke and focuses on the feeling of her warm, perfect form pressed tight against him. He nuzzles behind her ear and strokes along her side, breathing in her scent.

 

She begins to stir and turns her head towards him and says, “Hmmmm, you feel good,” as she presses back against him. His breath hitches. She opens her eyes and smiles at him. He’s certain this cannot be real. For almost a year he has fallen ever more desperately in love with her and now he is allowed to touch her, kiss her, hold her. Of all the things he’s imagined, holding her is what transported him, and now, now he has his arms around her and she’s smiling at him. She wants him here; she’s not drawing away from him. If anything she seems to want _more_.

 

She shifts in his arms until she’s facing him. She kisses him, gentle and sweet, but it soon turns heated. She sucks on his lower lip and he opens her mouth with his tongue, begging entrance. She opens and he’s feasting on her, tasting, taking, giving. He pulls her as close as he can, feeling all of her curves pressed against him. He wraps one leg around her and only just stops himself from grinding against her; he’s already so hard. She’s gasping into his mouth. He’s stroking along her sides when she grabs his hand and puts it on her breast. His mind goes blank and he can’t think with the delicious feeling of that perfect breast filling his palm. His mother’s words float through his mind and he moves his hand to her back. Rey whimpers and winds her arms around his neck and _clings_. She’s starting to rub herself against him with a fierce heat and things are spiraling quickly. He feels her firm, small breasts against his chest and he knows she can feel how hard he is as she tries to get even closer. She pulls one hand away from behind his neck and he feels her trail it down his chest, across the hard plane of his stomach and, before he can comprehend what’s happening, she’s stroking him through his trousers. With a strangled gasp he grabs her hand and pulls back from her, holding her hand between them. He can still feel the ghost of her fingers stroking his length.

 

She looks confused and hurt. “Did I do it wrong?” She sounds so small.

 

“Oh, no, darling, no. It’s not that. It’s just too fast, that’s all.”

 

“But … I thought men liked that?”

 

“Oh, we do, that’s not the issue.” He’s having trouble focusing; he’s still achingly hard and he wants very much to take that small hand and place it on his body and show her _exactly_ how he likes to be touched. But there’s something about her forwardness that seems odd, forced, and he’s wary.

 

“Then what is it? Am I … do you just not want me?” She whispers, her voice thick with shame.

 

“What? No! How could you possibly think that? I want you – oh you can rest assured that I want you. I want you so desperately that I’ve done some rather ill-advised things just to be with you. But, Rey, why are you so eager all of a sudden?” He knows there’s something not quite right, that it wasn’t passion moving Rey to act so wantonly.

 

She looks away, her hand still in his. Her cheeks flush; he’s not sure if it’s embarrassment or desire.

 

“I’ve made you wait so long already …” Doesn’t she understand that he could live forever with her simply in his arms?

 

“Rey, stop, no. You don’t owe me anything. I don’t want you to rush yourself, not for me. I’m content to simply hold you if that’s all you’re ready for. Truly, my love.” He remembers what it did to him when _his_ needs were disregarded. He pulls her close and holds her to him, her smaller body tucked perfectly under his chin. It’s as if she was made for him.

 

“Well, _I’m_ not content to just be held,” she says into his chest. This surprises a bark of laughter from him.

 

“I’m very glad to hear it. But there is a middle-ground to be had. As much as I would dearly love to make you mine tonight, I know it’s too soon. I asked for a chance to show you that you can trust me and it would be a poor showing indeed if I didn’t see how nervous you are; how you’re trembling. Slowly, _slowly_.” He’s rubbing circles on her back and he’s feeling a bit drugged on the pleasure of touching her so much. This is the most he’s ever been allowed and it’s heady.

 

“But … I thought men … I thought you …” She can’t figure out how to say what she means but Ben thinks he understands.

 

“Rey, I’ve never been with anyone that I felt anything for. We will wait as long as you need; please stop trying to rush yourself because you think you should or that I want you to.” He hopes he’s understood. He feels her relax into his embrace and she holds him tighter. She pulls back slightly and lifts her head as if to kiss him again. He looks into her eyes, needing to ensure that this is what she wants. She smiles her perfect smile and he captures her lips in his, moving his mouth languidly over hers. This time it is slow and sensuous. He’s holding her very close and she moves her hands through his hair. It’s glorious and he knows he could live forever in this moment.

 

\---

 

They never go to dinner. They touch and kiss and hold each other. Ben is nearly out of his mind with pleasure. After so many months of aching and longing and desperate _need_ she is _finally_ in his arms and he can only surrender to her. He just wants to kiss her and kiss her, hold her close, smell her scent. He only wants to keep holding her, making sure she is real and not some figment. Has he dreamt her? Is she truly here, carding her hands through his hair? Is he finally running his hands through hers? It all seems too perfect to be believed. He is drunk on her and he can’t stop smiling.

 

\---

 

He wakes again to the incomparable feeling of her tucked against his chest. He inhales deeply and pulls her even closer. She murmurs in her sleep and Ben can only drink her in and stare like the fascinated man that he is. He reaches up and moves a lock of hair from her face. He ghosts her cheek with his fingers. His chest tightens as he watches her sleep. This is so much better than he’d dreamt. Falling asleep with her in his arms was bliss, but waking … waking with her still here is indescribable. He never wants to sleep without her ever again.

 

She begins to stir, and she scrunches her face up and yawns. It is the most adorable thing he’s ever seen and he thinks his heart will burst. She blinks up at him lazily. “Hmmmm, goood morning.” She smiles sleepily. “Did you sleep alright?”

 

“I can honestly say that it was the best night of sleep I have ever had.”

 

“Ha! We only went to sleep, what, four hours ago?” The sun is just coming up, a deep golden ray breaking through the curtains.

 

“Mmmhmm,” he says, nuzzling her collar bone. He’s kissing and nipping along her neck “Best … night … ever,” he says between caresses. She starts to giggle and it runs up and down his spine the way it did when he was drifting in her head. He shudders.

 

She turns in his arms to face him and puts her hand on his face. “Hey, seriously, are you okay? How’s your head?” He doesn’t want to think about Snoke. He wants to keep kissing her.

 

“I’m fine. My head feels a little fuzzy but that might just be because _someone_ kept me up all night.” He’s not ready to let go of the gauzy feeling of being in their own private world. She giggles again and he so wants to _drift_.

 

“I should go get ready. I have a full roster; lots of downed ships right now.” Ben frowns. He’s not ready to let her go. He thinks they must have at least another hour until they have to go to breakfast. “Stay,” he entreats.

 

She blinks a little and says, “I have to go take care of my droids. They’re probably worried about me.”

 

“Oh, alright,” he says, sounding anything but alright. Her droids? Who cares about a bunch of droids, they’re fine.

 

“Did I do something wrong?” She’s sounding small again and Ben is instantly on alert.

 

“No! Why would you think that?” At least she’s asking now, he supposes.

 

“You just seem upset.” Force, does she pick up on everything?

 

“I don’t want you to go, but I understand.” He doesn’t really, but she seems to need to hear it.

 

“Oh, okay.” She smiles at him and pulls herself from bed. Her clothes from yesterday are all rumpled and he’s suddenly very glad it’s still early and her room is so close. He’s getting tired of being the focus of the base’s gossip mill.

 

She’s moving towards the door when he pushes up from the bed and crosses to her. He pulls her into his embrace and tips her chin up so he’s looking into her eyes. He kisses her gently then whispers, “I’ll miss you.” She sighs into him and then moves from his arms, looking at him one last time before quietly letting herself out.

 

He stands in the middle of his room in yesterday’s clothes and he can’t remember ever feeling so _happy_.

 

\---

 

He’s craning his neck, looking for Rey, his untouched breakfast in front of him. They’d never said they would have breakfast together, but he’s hoping. He’s about to give up when he feels a spike of alarm through the Bond. She’s upset, he realizes. He gets up suddenly and growls, realizing he doesn’t know where she is. He tries not to use the Bond, it brings up too many difficult things, but he’s worried.

 

“Rey?” He reaches out. “What’s going on?”

 

“It’s BB-8 – someone attacked BB-8!”

 

“Where are you? I’m on my way.”

 

“My work station in the hangar.”

 

He stands up, breakfast forgotten, and strides out of the dining hall.

 

\---

 

He rounds the corner to see Rey with Poe and Finn. Poe is on his knees next to the little droid.

 

“Oh Ben! Why would someone do this?” She’s in his arms in an instant and he’s caught up short again by the fact he’s allowed to touch her now, that she’s seeking him for comfort. After a moment he remembers himself, that they aren’t alone, and steps back.

 

“Tell me what happened.”

 

“After I left you,” Finn’s head snaps up at this, “I went back to my room to check on my droids and get ready. I found a bunch of flowers cut into pieces on my doorstep. It … unsettled me. So after I cleaned them up and got ready, I decided I needed to talk to BB-8; find out who’s been sending me gifts. It was just too weird, you know?”

 

His blood is pulsing with jealousy and anger. Someone _dared_ to claim his scavenger girl? Behave like a jilted lover? He’ll find him and he’ll make that excuse for a man, this Interloper, wish he’d never been born.

 

“And what did you discover?” he says between clenched teeth.

 

“Nothing. BB-8’s memory has been wiped. Nothing for the last three months. And whoever did it was pretty rough; I’m going to need to spend the morning checking the little fellow over.”

 

At this BB-8 whistles mournfully. “I know buddy, your antenna is bent again,” says Poe. “I want to find this animal, like, yesterday,” Poe growls.

 

“We all do,” says Finn.

 

None more than I, thinks Ben, his hands itching to show the Interloper _exactly_ what happens to men who threaten what is his. He thinks of Poln and grins wickedly. Rey notices and tilts her head at him in confusion. He just shakes his head a bit and smiles at her in reassurance.

 

“I think you need to tell us all about your secret admirer,” Finn says.

 

Privately, Ben agrees, but he’s not going to support anything the Traitor has to say. Finn dared to kiss his precious love and Ben is not likely to forget that any time soon.

 

“It started with a flower, just a local orchid; I thought he’d picked it from the forest. At first I thought it was Finn, but when the gifts kept coming after ... well anyway I knew it wasn’t Finn.” Ben moves closer to her and puts a possessive hand on her hip. He doesn’t want there to be any misunderstandings. Finn needs to know that she’s _his_. She turns slightly. She looks between him and Finn for a moment and purses her lips. After a moment she smiles hesitantly up at him. Finn just looks at him stonily.

 

“Then every few days something else, always given to me by BB-8. More flowers, sweets from the kitchen, lovely sparkling rocks. Once he even sent me a note.” She sounds almost wistful and Ben realizes she’s enjoyed the attention. Oh yes, this Interloper will be going _down_.

 

“Did you keep it, the note?” Poe asks. Ben is suddenly very curious about this note. About all of these _gifts_. Has she kept them? Does he have a rival still?

 

“Yes, I’ve kept everything.” Ben wants to hit something but keeps himself in check.

 

\---

 

They arrive at Rey’s room to find the door open. Ben stops her immediately, going in first. She huffs, “I can take care of myself.”

 

“A fact I know only too well,” Ben says, gesturing to his scar.” She flushes and he realizes he’s made her feel badly. “I like, it remember?” He says quietly.

 

“You guys are adorable and all, but I think you should see this,” Poe says from the ‘fresher.

 

They crowd in to see Rey’s mirror shattered and the word ‘MINE’ scratched into the wall. Rey gasps and absolute fury courses through Ben. The Interloper dares to claim Rey; he _dares_? Ben looks closer and sees broken bits of glass in the gouged letters. He had used shards of the mirror to write his missive. The mirror looks like it was punched. Ben is struck by how much he _understands_ this man.

 

“Where are the _tokens_ ,” Ben’s voice drips with scorn. Rey frowns and goes to a small box next to her bed. Pride of place, Ben notes with rancor. She opens it and withdraws dried flowers, a few bright crystals, a necklace, and a folded piece of paper. Jewelry? The Interloper had been so bold? Ben is furious. He snatches the note from her hand with a touch more force than necessary. He reads.

 

_If I were a braver man, I would court you properly. If I were a worthier man, I would claim you as mine before everyone. If I were a better man I would leave you alone. But you have captivated me._

 

Ben stands still for a very long time. _He_ could have written this note. Oh yes, he understands the Interloper very well indeed. He hands the note to Poe who reads it quickly, frowning. Rey is looking at him like she wants to ask him something but she keeps her counsel.

 

“We need to tell the General,” Poe says.

 

“Oh, we don’t need to worry her with this – it’s really no big deal …” Rey sounds like she’s trying to convince herself.

 

“I’m with Poe on this one,” Finn agrees after he reads the note.

 

“As much as it pains me to agree, I do believe we should inform General Organa,” Ben says stiffly.

 

“Well this is just great.” Rey is very frustrated.

 

\---

 

After they informed Leia, it was time to meet with Luke to investigate the Bond and the new options provided by the unique properties Ben and Rey have exhibited.

 

They meet in the meditation field. Luke is waiting for them. Rey is very tense and guarded.

 

Ben guides her away and presses gently. “What’s wrong?”

 

“I … I haven’t really spoken much with Luke. I don’t know how to; not after Jakku.”

 

“But Jakku was _my_ fault.”

 

“It’s not exactly Jakku, it’s that he didn’t tell me until you forced his hand. Would he have ever told me if you hadn’t made him?” She’s looking lost again.

 

“Oh, Rey ...Yes, I believe he would have told you regardless. He simply knew what your likely reaction would be and he couldn’t face it. You’ve suspended your training – can you blame him for being wary?” Ben’s tone is gentle.

 

“I just … to find out that he’s the reason I believed I had a family when the truth is that I have no father and my mother was already dead … It just feels cruel. I understand it, I do. But I’m the one who lived it …”

 

“He did it to protect you. From me. I’m who you should be angry with.” Ben wonders how she will ever truly forgive him for everything he’s taken from her.

 

“I don’t want to be angry with you any longer … it was exhausting. Being in your head makes it almost impossible to stay mad because I finally understand you.”

 

“I’m sure you’ll find ways to be mad at me again,” he mutters, looking very much like his father’s son.

 

“I’m sure,” she says tartly.

 

“Will you be able to work with Luke?”

 

“I’m not certain, I honestly don’t know. But I’ll try.”

 

\---

 

“Ben …. Rey,” Luke greets them.

 

“Good morning, Uncle.”

 

“Hi … Luke.” Rey stumbles over his name.

 

Luke sighs and strokes his beard.

 

“Rey, do we need to talk before we get started?”

 

“No. I’m fine.” Luke doesn’t look like he really believes her.

 

“Actually, Uncle, there is something we should tell you.” Rey glares at him and shakes her head firmly.

 

“He needs to know; you know he does,” Ben says to Rey.

 

“Know what?” Luke is curious now.

 

Rey looks furious but says nothing.

 

“Rey’s secret admirer? You know about him I presume?”

 

“No, I was not aware.” Luke sounds a bit hurt.

 

“I see,” says Ben. “A man has been sending Rey _gifts_ for the last two months.” Ben speaks with deep disdain. “Well, he is not pleased with the recent … developments between us. He left a destroyed bouquet of flowers on her doorstep, wiped BB-8’s memory, and broke into Rey’s room where he gouged the word ‘mine’ into her ‘fresher wall, using a shard from her mirror,” Ben recounts succinctly.

 

Luke takes it all in and says, “Have you spoken with your mother?”

 

“Yes, that’s where we were before we came here.”

 

“Good, good.” Luke is distracted by this news – it’s disturbing. “Please tell me if something else changes.”

 

“Why do you all do that? Talk about me like I’m not right _here_? I know it’s weird and that this guy is creepy but I’ll be able to protect myself,” she huffs.

 

“I would feel much more comfortable it you were to begin training again, Rey,” Ben says. Luke looks relieved.

 

Rey looks away, thinking hard.

 

“I know I hurt you, Rey. I know that you may never trust me again. Perhaps you cannot learn from me any longer …” Luke’s blue eyes are full of old failures and new pain.

 

Ben stays silent; this is not a conversation for him.

 

“Luke … I know why you did what you did. I understand you were trying to protect me. I … I don’t know what to do with all the feelings that I’m left with but I do know that you never meant to hurt me.”

 

“You’re very right, I never meant to cause you pain. But I know I broke your trust in me. I hope you’ll let me try to regain that trust,” Luke says sincerely.

 

She looks at him for a long time and finally she nods. Luke’s smile is wide and almost happy.

 

Ben is trying to keep to himself, allow them space to talk.

 

“There’s something else. The Jedi Code ... “ Her cheeks positively flame. Ben hopes he’s not misjudged Luke. His uncle has seemed almost supportive of their relationship.

 

“I no longer follow the Code. After many conversations with my father, I believe the Jedi Council was, in many ways, as lost as the Sith. There is no conflict between your training and Ben.”

 

“So, attachments … ?” she says cautiously.

 

“I think, perhaps, they should have been encouraged from the very beginning. Seeing what you and Ben did yesterday … That wouldn’t have been possible without the feelings you have for each other. No, the Jedi Council was wrong about attachments. And a good deal more besides.”

 

Ben is flooded with relief. He truly does not know what he would have done if Luke had stood between them. He does not wish to think about it and is grateful that he will never have to.

 

“Well, back to our original task. I’d like for us to start with basic meditation then move to seeing if you can reproduce whatever it was you did yesterday.”

 

He gestures to the meditation circle and they sit in a ring, legs crossed.

 

Ben has always hated meditation. It was too boring, and it always seemed pointless as a child. Sometimes it works for him now, but most of the time he still avoids it. He’s having difficulty clearing his mind; all he can think about is last night with Rey and what he’s going to do to the Interloper. He opens one eye and sees both Rey and Luke meditating peacefully. He sighs and tries again.

 

Finally he’s able to stop thinking about new and interesting ways to dispatch Rey’s secret admirer and he’s able to _drift_. She’s letting more of her light seep back into the Bond now. It’s not precisely meditation but it makes him feel peaceful. He’s floating in her when he hears his uncle clear his throat.

 

He opens his eyes and sees that quite a bit more time than he’d expected has passed. She’s smiling at him and he’s embarrassed to realize they’ve been trying to get his attention for a while now.

 

“I’d like you to attempt to recreate what happened yesterday. You were breathing in tandem and you seemed almost locked together in your eye contact,” Luke says.

 

“I’m fairly certain our hearts were beating in sync as well,” Ben says.

 

Luke’s eyebrows go up at that. “Extraordinary,” he says, half to himself.

 

Ben and Rey sit across from each other, palms together and looking into each other’s eyes. They start breathing together.

 

“Wait, stop. Rey, may I speak with you for a moment first?” Ben realizes he needs very much to clarify something with her.

 

She looks puzzled and says, “Uhm, of course.” They get up and he leads her to the edge of the field.

 

“What is it?” she asks with confusion.

 

“I promised to never go into your mind unless you asked me to.” His tone is very serious. “I can’t do this without your permission first.”

 

“Oh. Oh!” Her smile is radiant. “I give you permission, Ben.” She looks up at him then, and traces his jaw with her fine, slender fingertips, the light callouses making him shiver. She cups his cheek with her hand and he thinks he’s going to drown in those complex hazel eyes, full of warmth. For him. For _him_. He can feel her begin to trust, beginning to let him _in_.

 

“Thank you for asking, Ben. That means so much to me, to have you ask.”

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t before. I’m sorry I hid from you. I was just so afraid,” he says quietly.

 

“Afraid of me?” she says incredulously.

 

“No, darling girl, never of you. Well, that’s not true at all, is it? I’m afraid of you plenty.” He chuckles. He grows serious again. “Afraid of losing you. When this all began, I couldn’t imagine a way to actually _be_ with you. I thought all I would ever have was drifting in your light. It was so easy to justify hiding from you when I _knew_ I’d never see you again, when I _knew_ the Bond was all I would ever have of you.” It’s his turn to reach out for her and he strokes his fingers along her cheekbone and then tips her chin up as he bends to kiss her softly, sweetly. He breaks away after a moment, mindful of Luke’s attempts to give them privacy. He leans his forehead against hers and sighs. “Oh Rey, you don’t know what it does to me to be able to touch you like this. You don’t know the gift you give me.” He lets his fingers trail from her face down along her arm until her hand is clasped in his and he’s gently pulling her back across the field, back to Luke.

 

“Everything all set?” Luke asks.

 

“Yes,” they say together.

 

Luke looks back and forth between them and nods to himself more than anything. Again they sit facing each other, hands touching, looking into the other’s eyes. They begin to breathe in and out and they both let the Bond flow. It’s a heady feeling for Ben. It’s been months since he last felt Rey’s glorious light bathe him in its entirety. He’s been subsisting on scraps and he’s nearly overwhelmed with the intensity of her light.

 

He feels it when their hearts start to move in rhythm together; he feels her heart in his chest and he’s beginning to lose his sense of boundaries, like they’re merging into one being. He feels as if he’s inhaling and she’s exhaling; one set of lungs, one heart, one body. He’s lost in her eyes; he’s so in tune with her that he can only perceive her. There is no meditation field, Luke, the base, D’Qar, the galaxy. Only Rey and Ben, the Force moving through them seamlessly. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. They’re enmeshed.

 

When he hears, “Ben, Rey, it’s time to stop. Ben? Rey?  It’s time now. Ben!” he starts to pull himself out of Rey as they are finally startled out of their trance. They begin to lose the rhythm, their hearts returning to their own beat. They both blink slowly and reluctantly remove their hands from the other. They turn to Luke and Ben says, “Well?”

 

Luke’s eyes are bright with unshed tears. He opens and closes his mouth several times and finally speaks. “I have never seen power like that. It was as if you were pure Force. You started to levitate at one point, that’s when I brought you out of it. I honestly don’t know what that was, but it was the most beautiful expression of the Force I have ever seen.” Luke clears his throat and looks out over the field.

 

Ben looks at Rey and finds her looking thoughtful. He reaches out and takes her hands in his and she smiles. He suddenly feels very exposed and wants to take her somewhere else so that they can be alone together. He’s still feeling the aftereffects of her flowing through him and he just wants to hold her and _drift_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Meaghan M/Juulna, who puts up with my random emails at all hours of the day and never makes me feel like I'm bugging her. I've even started to try and use semicolons on my own but I'm pretty sure I'm doing it wrong.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who read chapter 27 right after I'd written it because I _needed_ his feedback and he talked me off the ledge.
> 
> And, as ever and always, thank you so much to everyone reading my story. I love this process of creation and your feedback has been essential. You've all had an impact and I'm so grateful. You're all beautiful.
> 
> Posting Schedule: I may not be posting every day like I have been. Don't worry, I'm still here, just with slightly fewer stops on the Ben Solo Pain Train.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy, Fluffy Space Cupcake. Possessive Space Cupcake. How will our Space Queen handle her new boyfriend's teensy tiny jealousy problem?

He’s nervous. He wants to ask her to stay again tonight but he doesn’t want to push her. He wants to spend every moment of every day with her. Things are so new for her, though. He doesn’t know what to do. They’re walking back to the hangar after spending the afternoon working with Luke. They’re now able to enter their trance together easily and quickly. Luke is very excited about the ‘possible applications’ – Ben is just acutely aware of the bliss of joining with her like that. It fills him up with her light and it’s left him desperately needy for her. He wants to take her hand, but again he’s afraid. After spending so many hours paddling about in each other’s minds, perhaps she’s just not interested in being close.

 

“Ben?”

 

“Yes, love?”

 

“Why are you being so quiet?” She sounds very tentative.

 

“Just lost in thought.”

 

“What are you thinking about?”

 

“Today … last night … you.”

 

She hesitates and reaches for him, taking his hand nervously. “Do you, I mean … is it alright if …” She’s stumbling over her words and there are pink spots on her cheeks from embarrassment.

 

He pulls himself out of his reverie and tugs on her hand gently to bring them to a stop. “What is it?”

 

“I don’t … I don’t know how to do this!” she growls in frustration. It’s like ice in his veins and he goes very still.

 

“What do you mean, ‘this’?” He knows she’s about to cast him aside again. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He never should have hoped, never should have dreamed.

 

“This!”

 

“I don’t understand,” he says very carefully.

 

“I … I want … I …” She’s still holding his hand and he’s terrified. “I’ve never had anyone … in my life, like you, like us. I don’t know how to do it; I don’t know what the rules are.” The suffocating fear strangling his heart begins to loosen.

 

“Rules?” It’s his turn to be confused.

 

“I don’t know how this works, what’s expected, what’s … alright.”

 

“I don’t really know. I’ve never done this either. We’ll figure it out, together.”

 

“But you’ve … you’ve _been_ with women. You must have some idea-”

 

“No. It’s important that you understand this, Rey. What I’ve experienced … it was sordid, dirty. It has nothing to with this, nothing at all. I don’t want you to compare it – I don’t want you to even _think_ about it.” He says this with a ferocity that startles her. Now that he knows what it feels like to touch with love, be touched with connection … his prior assignations sicken him.

 

“But …”

 

“No, Rey. No. I don’t … I didn’t know. I didn’t know you were out there. That time in my life was full of pain and emptiness. I have done many, many things that _disgust_ me. I feel like I don’t have the right to touch you with these hands, but I want you so _badly_ that I do anyway. That you let me hold you, kiss you … _stars_ , it’s beyond anything I ever dared hope for. But you need to understand that when it comes to you and me, there are no comparisons. There is only you. There will only ever be you,” he says vehemently.

 

“I just feel so foolish. I don’t know what I’m doing. You at least underst-” He places his fingers on her mouth to quiet her.

 

“You’re not listening. This, what we have, it is not to be compared, it is sacred. You are sacred. To me.”

 

Her eyes are wide and he knows she doesn’t really understand. Memories are calling for him … memories of how his innocence had been ripped from him. She doesn’t know how empty it feels, the pointlessness of meaningless release. She doesn’t know what it’s like to cry in the shower, knowing you’ll never be clean. He’s determined she never will.

 

“Okay. Okay, Ben.” He sighs with relief.

 

She looks like she’s steeling herself for something significant. She takes a deep breath and says, “Tonight, can I … can I stay with you again?” Her voice is tentative. This was not what he was expecting. He blinks and recovers himself.

 

“Yes, of course, yes. Every night if you want.” He pulls her other hand into his and they stand there holding hands and looking into each other.

 

“Why were you so afraid to ask that?” He says.

 

“Because you might not have wanted to and then I would have felt stupid and weak.”

 

“Weak?”

 

“For needing you. That thing we do, the trance – you’re so deep inside, I feel empty when you’re gone.” She looked a little frightened by her admission.

 

Oh his vulnerable, perfect girl. He caresses her palms with his thumbs and pulls her close to him, placing her arms around his torso then wrapping his around her shoulders.

 

He speaks lowly into her ear, “I will always want you with me, Rey. You never need to be afraid to ask me something. I won’t reject you, I won’t belittle you. If you don’t know how to ask something, talk with me and we’ll untangle it together. You are always safe with me – always.”

 

She shudders and pulls closer and mumbles into his chest, “I didn’t know I could feel so safe. Last night ... I felt like I _mattered_. Even with everyone here … caring about me … no one _sees_ me the way you do.” He pulls back to look her in the eyes and sees her vulnerability, what admitting her feelings costs her.

 

“Oh, Rey, you _do_ matter.” He keeps forgetting that for all her beautiful kindness and endless light, his Rey has been deeply hurt. She hides it well, but there is a wide, untouched ocean of pain in his scavenger girl and he means to heal it, whatever it takes.

 

\---

 

They’re having dinner together, sitting alone in the dining hall. Finn and Poe come towards them, trays in hand. Finn just sits while Poe catches Ben’s eyes and waits for his grudging nod. Why does he always have to share her? He’s frustrated; he just wants to be with her and talk with her, learn her anew, but people always seem to want a piece of her. He’s waited months for this, _months_...

 

“Finn, Poe!” she says brightly.

 

“How’s BB-8?” Poe asks.

 

“Oh fine, all better. I couldn’t recover BB-8’s memory, but I fixed all the damage. Good as new!” The flock of droids waddle up to them then, BB-8 surrounded by them protectively. They all chirp and whistle emphatically.

 

“I know, it was awful. I don’t know why anyone would do that to BB-8,” she says to her little flurry. She reaches out and pats BB-8 who hums happily and nuzzles her hand.

 

“So what are we going to do about this crazy secret admirer of yours?” Poe says. Find him, kill him, Ben thinks malevolently.

 

Rey looks away. She clearly doesn’t want to talk about this. “I’m sure he’ll get the hint soon and leave me alone.”

 

All three men exchange glances.

 

“Uh, Rey, I don’t really think that’s how this is gonna play out. He’s unhinged – he broke into your room and scratched ‘Mine’ into your wall! That kind of crazy doesn’t just go away.” Poe looks at Ben meaningfully. Ben raises an eyebrow and continues to eat.

 

“Well what am I supposed to do about it? We can’t figure out who it is, so what’s the point in thinking about it?” Rey says.

 

“I don’t think you should go anywhere alone,” Finn pipes up.

 

“I can take care of myself.” Rey says this a bit petulantly.

 

“We know you can, but maybe Finn has a point,” Poe adds. “This guy is nuts and he’s probably just going to get worse.”

 

Ben stays quiet. He’s not sure if he wants Poe and Finn to be so involved in her safety. She’s _his_ to protect; he doesn’t need them. However, she really should stay with him for the time being. It’s a question of her security.

 

“What did your mother say when you told her?” Finn asks.

 

Ben is silent, annoyed to be addressed by Finn. Finally he says, “She wants to be kept informed of any developments. She suggested a guard but Rey rejected that vehemently.”

 

“I’m right here,” Rey says with frustration.

 

Ben takes her hand and says, “We’re only concerned about you. You must understand that it’s only that I … _we_ are worried about this man. I think he’s dangerous.” Ben knows he is; _knows_ what it’s like to pine and plan and _hope_. He knows what he would do if Rey was sitting with another man, holding his hand. Oh yes … this man is dangerous.

 

\---

 

“And you really don’t mind me staying?” she asks him, back in his room.

 

“No, never. I want you with me always.” He’s eager to hold her again.

 

“I should maybe get ready for bed properly, then.” She slips from his room, leaving him alone.

 

Ben sits on the bed, thinking. He must find a way to ferret out the Interloper. He’s not said much to Rey but he’s intensely worried. All he needs to do to understand him is to imagine what he himself would do and it concerns him deeply. He decides it’s time to start wearing his lightsaber again.

 

He changes into his sleeping pants and is about to take off his shirt when he hesitates. He’s not sure he wants her to see his scars. He’s never been a vain man, but his skin tells a story of great suffering. He does not want her pity. He does not want to influence even the smallest part of her feelings. He leaves his shirt on.

 

He hears her knock lightly on the door and he waves it open with the Force.

 

“Show off,” she teases as she crosses into his room. He stands and his eyes nearly fall out of his head. She’s in a pale slip that only just goes to her thighs and leaves very little to the imagination. It _clings_ to her and Ben wants her – wants her _badly_. He suddenly realizes she walked to his room wearing only that.

 

“What were you thinking? Anyone could have seen you!” He bursts out angrily.

 

“What? I … I didn’t think you minded people knowing …” She looks very hurt.

 

“What? No, I – what?” How does she always do that – throw him, confuse him, baffle him at every turn?

 

“You just said anyone could have seen me?” she asks with confusion.

 

“I meant in _that_ ; what you’re wearing. You’re barely covered!”

 

“It was only a few yards. I didn’t think it would matter.”

 

“Well it matters to me,” Ben growls. “I don’t want anyone else to see you like this. You’re mine!” He’s angry now. Months of powerlessness coming through, fear of the Interloper, thundering, pulsing possession rioting through his blood.

 

She tilts her head and is quiet. He’s calming and regretting his temper immediately.

 

“Yours.” She says it like she’s testing the taste of it in her mouth.

 

“I … I didn’t mean it to sound like it did. I meant … I mean that I …” He rubs his face with his hands in frustration. “No, I _do_ mean it like that, you _are_ mine and I don’t want to share you,” he says defiantly.

 

“Ben, no one saw me,” she says gently.

 

“I don’t care. I just … It’s already so hard to share you with Poe and Finn, the ships, the droids, Chewie, Luke – hell, even my mother. So many people want a part of you and I just want to keep you all to myself,” he says sullenly.

 

“I’m not a possession to be _kept_.” He senses the danger but keeps talking, heedless of the jeopardy.

 

“I know that, but you _are mine_ , make no mistake.” His voice is taking on a vaguely menacing quality.

 

“Are you listening to yourself? I’m a person; I don’t belong to anyone.”

 

He steps forward and raises his hand to her face. She holds herself still, warily. He traces her cheekbone with his long fingers and looks into her eyes, trying to find the deepest places inside of her. “I don’t agree with that. _I_ belong to _you_ , utterly.” He soothes her with soft tones and gentle touches.  He strokes her face and entreats, “Please, be mine Rey, be mine the way that I am yours.” This softens her, but there is still steel in her spine.

 

“We have a Bond, Ben. I’m yours in a way that no one else can ever touch,” she says as if to pacify him. She still looks a little disturbed by his outburst.

 

“I know, I know. I’m sorry for losing my temper. You look beautiful.” He’s calmed now and hopes they can just move forward after his outburst.

 

He traces the strap of her slip and bends forward, kissing her shoulder. He places his arms around her waist and pulls her to him. She’s taken her hair down and he buries his face in her silken waves. “I’m sorry,” he whispers into her hair. She sighs and tangles her arms around his neck, slowly relaxing against him as she releases from the tension of the argument. He begins to kiss her collarbone, making his way up the delicate column of her throat until he reaches her lips and kisses her deeply, delving his tongue into her mouth, claiming her. She kisses him back passionately, shivering with want. She puts her hands under the hem of his shirt and runs her hands up his back. They both freeze as she feels his scars for the first time. The mood changes instantly and her eyes are full of horror. “What happened to you?” she whispers. He steps back and looks away.

 

“Most of it was from a long time ago.” Why is the past stalking him today?

 

“Most of it?” Her eyes plead.

 

“Snoke … when I … disappointed him, he would punish me. I hadn’t disappointed him in a long time. Until _Starkiller_.”

 

Rey gasps and suddenly she’s pulling his shirt up frantically. “What did he do to you, what did he do?!” Her tone is desperate, full of sadness and fury.

 

He pulls his shirt down firmly and says, “Please, Rey, please, it doesn’t matter. I made my peace with it long ago.”

 

“But he _hurt_ you.”

 

“Only physically. I did far worse to myself.”

 

“I just ... how would you feel if someone did that to me?” Rage floods him at the thought.

 

“I’d kill anyone who touched you – it would never happen in the first place.” Kylo is close to the surface tonight … closer than he’s been in a _long_ time.

 

She blinks a bit at that.

 

“I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

 

“About what?”

 

“About how quickly you think of killing, even to protect me.” He’s so frustrated. He just wants to hold her again – he doesn’t want to talk about any of this. Why is this so difficult?

 

“That’s never going to change,” he growls. She looks at him for a long time. He sees when she decides to drop it, but he has no illusions that he won’t be hearing about it again.

 

He reaches out for her. “It’s been a long day. Let me hold you, please let me hold you.”

 

She looks at him for quite some time, a hint of wariness in her eyes. Finally she nods.

 

He pulls her to him and leads her to his bed. He pulls the blankets back and they crawl in. He’s on his back and she’s facing him. He gathers her in his arms, tucking her head against his shoulder. Slowly she relaxes into him and then she draws closer. He strokes her hair languidly. She brushes his calf with her foot as she wraps her leg over his. He turns slightly and kisses her forehead, feeling her warmth pressed tight against him. This is where she belongs; beside him, close, always close.

 

“Oh Rey ...” he sighs. He closes his eyes and _drifts_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Bestest Beta in the Beta Biz, Meaghan M/Juulna. You really cracked me up with your notes for this chapter. I'm still chuckling.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, he dislikes Romance as a genre and yet reads every chapter religiously. 
> 
> And thank you to everyone who is taking the time to read this story. I'm glad you're here, choosing to spend your time reading my small contribution. You could have spent that time on anything and you spent it on this story. Thank you, it means so much to me to be able to share this tale with you.
> 
> And thank you commenters! You guys really make me think and keep me on my toes. Nothin' gets past you!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Happy Space Cupcake! A wee Space Lemon. Will the Interloper ruin it all? Plus, there's art at the end of the chapter!

They’re walking after dinner. It’s been three weeks since she let him in and he’s the happiest he’s ever been. She sleeps with him every night and he can’t imagine anything being more wonderful than waking up with her each morning. He’s getting better at sharing her, but he still doesn’t like it. Snoke has left him alone; his encounter with the Bond sending him to regroup.

 

They’re between the base and the forest, keeping to the fringes of the light from the hangar. They’re holding hands and talking about nothing.

 

“What about my mother’s family? Did she have anyone?” she asks, seemingly out of nowhere.

 

“Oh, Rey … It’s not a happy tale.” He doesn’t really want to tell her this. She’s been doing so well with recent revelations.

 

“I think I need to know. I’ve been thinking about my mother a lot. Wondering what she was like. Wondering if she would be proud of me. If she would have come for me.”

 

“I know she would have been proud of you. Look at you – look at what you’ve accomplished. Training to be a Jedi Knight, working towards a cause you believe in. You can fix anything, fly anything. You even brought down the fearsome Master of the Knights of Ren singlehandedly.” His eyes dance.

 

She giggles that giggle that goes straight to his center and he smiles.

 

“I know she would have come for you, my darling girl. I know it.” He’s serious now.

 

He sighs and says, “When her family … your family … found out she was pregnant and there was no father, they believed the worst of her and cast her out.”

 

“What? They what?”

 

“They assumed she was protecting the father, but in your case there was no one to protect. So they turned their backs on her and she was forced into poverty. She had to go to a very difficult place. I hope you never have to see it.”

 

“They threw us away?” Her voice is impossibly small. “I always knew no one wanted me, but …” She’s overwhelmed and she looks so lost.

 

Ben sweeps her into his arms and pulls her as close to himself as he can.

 

“Shhh. You are wanted, so very wanted. So many people love you now. Shhh.”

 

She’s crying, her small hands fisting his tunic, holding onto the cloth tightly.

 

“Why does everyone throw me away? Am I so awful? Why didn’t they want me – please tell me, _why_?” Her voice cracks and she starts crying harder. He’s lost; he doesn’t know what to do with this Rey. She’s never let him truly comfort her before, not with anything real.

 

“I don’t know why. If I could, I’d go back in time and I would make them see what a horrible mistake they were about to make.”

 

“Maybe they knew something you don’t. Maybe they knew I’m worthless.” She’s deep in her fears now.

 

“No, no. My sweet girl, no.” He wants to savage everyone who has ever made his Rey feel so small. He wants to go back to Jakku and kill Plutt. He wants to find her family and take everything they have, force them into Below like they did to his precious girl. He wants to take vengeance on them _all_.

 

“I’m so tired of feeling like this. Like nothing I do will ever fill up this hole in my heart where my family should be,” she sniffles into his chest. “I picked a birthday for myself, you know. One day I just circled a mark on my wall and counted from there. The next year I pretended my family was with me, that my portion was a cake, and that they loved me. I did that every year until I came here.”

 

He’s stunned into silence. Such a small, desperately painful act. He thinks of his own birthdays and closes his eyes in aching sadness. His throat is tight and he has to swallow a few times before he can speak.

 

She mistakes his silence for confusion. “Oh, right. You probably don’t know what I mean about the marks on the wa-”

 

“I know. I know about the marks. I saw them. I visited your AT-AT. It’s where I first realized how very much I love you.”

 

She looks up at that. “You did?”

 

“I did. I needed … I needed to know you, to feel close to you. I wanted, no I _want_ to give you _new_ reasons to keep track of the days. I want you to be able to count the days that I love you instead of the days that no one did.”

 

The most beautiful smile he’s ever seen blooms on her face, her teary eyes making it that much more exquisite.

 

“You really mean that, don’t you?” she says with wonder, like she’s only just now believing that he loves her. He watches as some of the loneliness in her eyes melts away.

 

“Yes, I really mean that, impossible girl. Haven’t I told you what you mean to me? You’ve been in my head enough times these past weeks training with Luke, you have to know I’m sincere.”

 

“I do, I know. I just … It’s hard to believe. Because it’s never been true before. It’s easier to believe that nothing will change.”

 

“Believe in it. Believe in me.” He caresses her cheek with his hand and wipes a stray tear away.

 

She looks at him and he can see the moment something profound clicks within her and she’s on her toes, pulling him down and kissing him desperately. Her hands are tangled in his hair and her tongue is pressing against his lips, demanding entrance. He can barely keep up with her passion. He tries to meet her, but she’s everywhere, kissing him, consuming him and he’s dizzy with desire and wants to get her somewhere horizontal as fast as he possibly can. He’s holding her tightly and pouring all of his want and need into her, and their Bond hums with connection. He gasps against her, suddenly realizing they’re outside where anyone could see them and he gentles his kisses. She seems to remember herself as well and they stand with their foreheads together, panting.

 

She shivers and he realizes it’s grown cold. He takes her hand and tucks it in the crook of his arm and begins to walk them back. It’s dark and he feels the press of _something_ against the back of his neck. It’s unsettling and he wants to get them inside quickly.

 

\---

 

There’s an intense energy pulsing through the air as they stand in his room, the heady spell from earlier unbroken. They’re standing together in the middle of the room, their eyes locked. Slowly she reaches for her hem and pulls her shirt over her head, letting it drop to the floor. She reaches behind her and removes her bindings, her breasts exposed to the cool night air. He’s transfixed. She’s perfect. Her skin glows in the low light of his room and he wants so badly to take those perfect breasts into his mouth and taste her succulent nipples. Her eyes hold his and he’s at her mercy. She steps forward and pulls him towards her and begins to unbutton his tunic. There is a thick, luscious silence surrounding them. She’s weaving magic with her fingertips as she pushes his shirt away from his broad shoulders, tracing his scars with her fingertips. The skin there is particularly sensitive and he gasps.

 

He can only drink in her perfect form and wait for what she’ll do next. He senses none of her earlier trepidation. She steps into him and wraps her arms around his torso and he feels her soft skin against his for the first time and he _whimpers_. She goes up on her toes and sucks on the pulse point of his neck. The feeling of her bare skin against his is beyond anything he’s known. It’s as if energy tingles just below the surface of her flesh, building in waves, moving and seducing him with every touch. He’s overwhelmed by the totality of her.

 

He feels her firm breasts pressed against him, her taught nipples grazing his heated skin. He’s utterly lost in sensation and he can barely think. He pulls her closer and growls as he attacks her neck, kissing and biting, licking and suckling. He turns them and pushes her down on the bed; he hovers over her, waiting for her permission. He finds her nodding frantically, so he nestles himself in the cradle of her hips, stroking his erection along her heat. He can feel her pulse through his trousers.

 

He stills and looks deeply into her eyes. He findes none of the false bravado from the first time she’d attempted something like this. He sees only heat and welcome and he’s aching with want for her. She wraps her legs around him and pulls him closer. “Rey …” he whispers. He kisses down her throat until he’s finally at that perfect left breast he’d wanted so desperately to taste. He takes her rosy nipple in his hungry mouth and flicks his tongue against its pebbled surface. She moans deep in her throat and pushes her center against his hardness. Oh, stars, he can’t hold onto anything, it’s just her, always her. He moves back up her body and catches her lips in his; he _needs_ to feel her lips on his as he swallows her cries of pleasure.

 

She’s rubbing herself against him urgently, trying desperately to relieve the clamoring in her body and it feels so good that a guttural cry escapes his throat. He pushes back against her and they fall into an instinctual rhythm and he’s beginning to see stars behind his eyes. He pulls back and stills, looking into her eyes, memorizing how she looks, glorious in her passion. “Oh Rey …” he breathes. Her pupils are so large that her eyes are almost black and he feels like he could float forever in their depths. He reaches up and traces her cheek with his hand and rolls his forehead against hers. “I love you, oh how I love you,” he whispers.

 

She smiles her perfect smile and pulls him into another deep kiss, their tongues dancing an old and perfect dance. She’s panting slightly and he pushes against her. She rises up to meet him and he’s very close to losing control in his trousers and he finds he doesn’t care. She’s thrusting herself against him eagerly and she’s breathing faster when she suddenly throws her head back and starts to gasp. He pushes back against her, feeling her climb through their Bond. She’s nearly frantic now and he twirls her nipple between his fingers as he rubs against her with the constant pulse she seems to prefer. She’s gasping and writhing and her mouth flies open and she cries out, “Ben, oh Ben, please I’m, I’m, oh Maker, Ben!” And he’s with her, he feels his cock become even harder and he’s groaning as they push together, trying to get as close as cloth will allow. She gasps and shouts, “Ben!” as he feels his orgasm curl in his depths, pulling from him in waves as her eyes roll to the back of her head and she _keens_.

 

They’re coming down and their breathing returns to normal. He peppers her face with kisses between chants of, “Rey, beautiful Rey.” He says it like she’s sacred and he her only acolyte.  She pulls his face away with her small hands and just looks into him, like she can see his soul. So sweetly she kisses him and he feels whispers of half-formed words coming across the Bond. She closes her eyes and smiles a secret smile. He rolls to the side of her and pulls her to him, wrapping her in arms and legs and holding her as close as he possibly can. She’s already sleeping by the time he pushes her hair from her face and kisses her temple with impossible tenderness.

 

\----

 

He wakes quickly – something is terribly wrong. Rey isn’t beside him and he’s on his feet in an instant. His door is open and Rey is standing there, clothed and looking outside, crying, “No, no, no!” He’s behind her before he realizes he’s moving and he sees what’s upset her so.

 

Strewn all along the corridor in front of his room are pieces of her droid family. It looks like someone has hacked them to bits with a saw. Some of them are still struggling, making awful, pitiful bleeps and whirs. She sinks to her knees next to the hapless little square droid that always loses its antenna and she strokes where its image processor used to be. It tries to move towards her but it just shudders.

 

She picks up the arm of the tallest droid and turns her head to look at him as she whimpers, “Why? Ben, why?” She looks lost and oh so very young.

 

Just then he sees it, scrawled across the hall above the carnage, written in hydraulic fluid: “MINE.”

 

Pulling a shirt on, he kneels down next to her. Ben takes the arm from her hand and lays it gently on the floor. He folds her hands in his and promises, “We’ll fix them. It will take time, but we’ll fix them.”

 

Just then, Finn and Poe skid around the corner, having heard Rey’s wails. They take in the destruction and Rey’s tear-filled face.

 

“Oh no,” Finn breathes.

 

“That’s it – we find this bastard today. And you, you aren’t leaving her side. I still don’t like you but I won’t deny that you’re good in a fight,” Poe says, pointing at Ben. Ben is a bit taken aback; of course he’ll keep her safe!

 

“We need to tell the General,” Finn says.

 

“And Luke,” Rey whispers. Suddenly her eyes fly open and she gasps, “BB-8!” She’s off like a shot, bare feet ignored. All three men take off after her.

 

“Wait, Rey, wait,” Poe calls out. She’s running towards the hangar. Ben’s long strides make quick work of the distance and he has her in his arms and she’s struggling against him, trying to get to BB-8.

 

“Let me go! BB-8!” She’s frantic and isn’t thinking.

 

“Shhhh, darling, shhhh.”

 

Finn and Poe catch up and Poe says, “BB-8 is fine, I just saw the little guy. Please, come back inside.”

 

Her eyes are wide and haunted and it’s as if she can’t really hear them. Ben gathers her up in his arms, carrying her back towards his room when he feels Finn’s hand on his arm. He looks down and Finn just shakes his head and points towards the officer's quarters. Right, of course – she doesn’t need to see more of her droids like that. Ben changes course and they all make for his mother’s rooms.

 

\---

 

“What? Ben - Rey! What’s happened?” Leia takes in the ragtag group of Rey and her honor guard. Rey just stares off into the distance.

 

“That whack-job, the one who was sending Rey gifts? Well he’s gone too far this time,” Poe says angrily.

 

Leia beckons them inside and Ben lays Rey gently on his mother’s settee. Rey barely stirs. Ben is focused entirely on her and barely listens as Poe and Finn explain what’s happened.

 

Soon he’s sitting on the floor in front of Rey, a physical barrier between her and the world with a cup of tea in his hand, and his mother’s quarters have turned into some kind of command post. Resistance soldiers come in and out, giving the General updates on the search.

 

“Everyone is accounted for, General,” Ben hears an officer inform his mother.

 

“And nothing was out of place, tools missing? How did he do it without being _seen_?” Leia sounds frustrated.

 

“We don’t know. We’re expanding the search to include the forest.”

 

“Good, good. Keep me informed. Oh, and the droids …”

 

“They’ve been seen to.”

 

Rey’s head snaps to attention at this. She’d been nearly catatonic. “What did you do with them?” she says in accusation.

 

The officer comes over to where she’s sitting and says, “Don’t worry, ma’am, we’ve kept them safe. Captain Dameron thought you might want to try and fix what you could.” She nods and relaxes and goes back to staring at nothing. Ben is very worried about her.

 

He’s turned toward Rey, his hand on her knee when he hears, “Ben?” He moves his head and finds his mother looking at him worriedly. She beckons him over and he reluctantly follows her to the other side of the room. He needs to keep Rey in sight.

 

“I think she needs rest. I’ve had both of your quarters moved to a different barracks. I think you should take her there. She’s in shock and I think she needs you.”

 

“What about Finn and Poe? Maybe she needs her friends more. Or maybe Uncle Luke.” He says this with deep insecurity.

 

“No, she needs someone she can be honest with. She needs to fall apart and cry. You’re the only one she trusts like that.” Ben wonders if it’s true and his heart lifts. He immediately feels selfish.

 

“She’s being so quiet; I don’t know what to do,” he says.

 

“Just hold her and make her feel safe. You’ll figure it out.”

 

He walks back to Rey, kneels in front of her, and touches her shoulder to gain her attention.

 

“Rey, my sweet girl, my mother has moved our quarters – let me take you. You need rest.”

 

She slowly moves her eyes to his and shrugs her acceptance. He stands and leans over to gather her in his arms.

 

“I can walk,” she says with annoyance.

 

“I know you can. I just need to hold you close, keep you safe. Please let me.”

 

She only nods and Ben lifts her from the settee, cradling her to his chest, and they set off for her new quarters.

 

\---

 

The exquisite piece below is by the tremendously talented [Aurora Lynne](http://auroralynne.tumblr.com/).

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my magnificent beta, Meaghan M/Juulna who put up with a moment of total panic about this chapter with grace and kindness.
> 
> Thank you Aurora Lynn for the tender, beautiful rendering of our favorite couple. It is such a gift to be able to see them like this. She captured their connection beautifully and I am in awe.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing who helped me plot out some very tricky bits. He's like a one man writers' workshop!
> 
> Thank you readers and commenters! I'm absolutely terrified that you will all hate me now. Forgive me? You guys are phenomenal and I want to give you all the squees and fangirl hugs.
> 
> New chapter up on Wednesday.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How will Space Cupcake comfort Space Queen? No, not like that. Will the duckling droids live to duck again?

Her new quarters are exactly like her old ones. Someone has already gathered her things, crates stacked neatly at the edge of the room. He wonders where the box of tokens is and if he should find it before she sees it. It would upset her.

 

He gently places her on her bed, pulls the blankets over her and sits on the chair at her bedside. He reaches for her hand but she turns on her side, putting her back to him. Her rejection hurts and he doesn’t know what to do. Hesitantly, he places a hand on her shoulder. She shrugs it off. Oh, that stings.

 

“Rey …”

 

She says nothing.

 

“Rey, please talk to me?”

 

“What’s the point?”

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

“I’ll just lose you, too.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here.”

 

“You don’t know that. You can’t know that.” Her voice is hollow.

 

Ben doesn’t know what to say. She’s right. All he knows is he will fight with everything he has for her, to keep her, to defend her. Whatever she requires, she will have it. But he can’t promise that nothing will happen to him; not with Snoke attacking his head.

 

“It doesn’t matter what I do. I lose everything I love.” Ben’s breath catches at this. He’s noticed she never says she loves him, of course he’s noticed, but he could be patient. He is content to wait. But to hear her acknowledge it, even in such a roundabout way … He’s full of conflicted feelings. He wants to protect her, keep her safe from the Interloper. But he’s also aware of what his mother said: that she’s letting him care for her. He wonders if, someday, she might love him half so much as he loves her … But now is not the time for this. He has to focus on helping his Rey.

 

“We’ll fix them. I promise, they’ll be alright. You’ll get them back.”

 

“But what if he takes them again? What if he hurts Poe or Finn? What if he hurts _you_?” She whispers the last with aching fear. Her face is still to the wall. His heart soars to hear that losing him frightens her so. But he’s being so selfish, reveling in her vulnerability, hoping for her love. He has to focus on her, what she needs, how he can help her – not on his desperate need for her.

 

“If he ever reveals himself, he will be the one in danger, of that you can be sure.” He says this with absolute conviction. It’s a cold, finite promise. The Interloper has _hurt_ Rey and that cannot be allowed to pass unaddressed.

 

She finally turns over to look at him. “I hate him,” she hisses. “I want to hurt him. I want to make him _suffer_ ,” she says. Her eyes are suddenly lit with a dark and frightening fire. “Will you find him for me?”

 

“Rey …” He’s very concerned now. Of course he wants to hunt down the Interloper, but the way she’s talking isn’t like her.

 

“You said you’d kill anyone who touched me that you’d kill them before they could. He wants to hurt me.”

 

“I remember,” he says cautiously.

 

“You’re always saying you’d do anything for me, give me the galaxy if you could. Prove it. Find him. _Hurt_ him – hurt him like he’s hurt them.” She sits up and is looking a bit unhinged.

 

“I don’t think that’s really what you want, Rey,” he says very cautiously. He remembers the thrill of hunting, finding. The roiling disgust at the death he’d dealt, but brimming with pride and eager to accept Snoke’s praise for another successful hunt.

 

“Oh, are you back to deciding for me then? I thought you weren’t going to do that anymore.”

 

“This isn’t the same-”

 

“So you get to decide that, too?” Ben knows that he has lost complete control of the situation and is beginning to panic. He’s remembering his father. _Kid, when a woman is mad at ya, all you can do is run or surrender. Don’t even bother to fight. You’ll lose every time_ … But he can’t run and he doesn’t know what surrender looks like here.

 

“I don’t mean it that way.”

 

“Maybe you don’t mean any of your promises. Maybe you’re just words. I _knew_ I never should have trusted you.”

 

“Rey,” he gasps. That _hurt_.

 

“Maybe I’d still have them if you’d never come.” Ben just blinks. “Everything was fine until _you_ came.”

 

“Rey, you don’t mean that.” You _can’t_ mean that.

 

“You don’t get to tell me what I think!” She screams. Ben shrinks back. “Maker, you think you know me, but you’re just used me. Hiding, taking. You don’t know me! You’re just a coward – a coward who couldn’t face what you’d done so you came running back to mommy, stealing from me the whole time. Wrapping yourself up in what you stole from me so you didn’t have to live with yourself. You’re nothing but a parasite. You ruin everything you touch. You mangle and break, leaving nothing but suffering behind!”

 

“Rey, no, please, please stop.” His voice cracks. She’s being so vicious and every blow is hitting home. He can barely feel the Bond over her fury.

 

“Stop? Oh, you think you get to say stop? What about me? Why didn’t I get to say stop? I never get to choose! No one asked me what I wanted before Luke took me and _abandoned_ me, before you rooted around in my head, before you lurked and took and took and took. _He_ never asked before he took my little loves. I never get to say!”

 

“I know I hurt you, I-”

 

“Hurt me? Hurt me?! You’re just like _he_ is – saw the girl and decided I was yours. Well maybe I don’t want to be a possession. Maybe neither of you get me.”

 

“Rey, please, I love you, please.”

 

“You aren’t capable of love.” She says this with icy cruelty.

 

Ben goes completely still. He’s silent for a very long time.

 

“No. You can say all of those awful things and I’ll take it, but you will not denigrate my love for you.”

 

This brings her up short and suddenly she starts to sob. Her hands go to her face and she’s crying into them, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, oh my little loves, I’m sorry.” His head is spinning and he can’t keep up. “It’s all my fault. I never took it seriously and now they’re all gone.”

 

Ben is beginning to understand. She’s angry at herself and lashing out.

 

“I needed a family, so I made one,” she says between sniffles. “Droids don’t leave, you see. But I guess they can be taken.”

 

He thinks of her birthdays and his heart, oh his heart. He doesn’t know what to do, what she needs. He needs to move. He stands to pace.

 

Suddenly her eyes fly open and she gasps, “Oh, Ben, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean - I’m so sorry.” She looks terrified. “Please don’t leave me!”

 

“What? No, no, Rey, I was only standing, I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I promise.”

 

Ben is still incredibly wary. She’s been so cruel and he’s not sure what she needs, where he stands. Cautiously he sits next to her on the bed.

 

“I know you’re upset,” Ben says.

 

“I never should have said those things.”

 

“Oh, I don’t know, I’m fairly certain I deserved some of them.” He may not have liked how she’d phrased them, but he can’t deny the truth hidden in her venom.

 

“No, not like that. Oh, Ben, I didn’t even know I could be so cruel.” She looks at him, her eyes full of fear and entreaty. “Will you hold me, please?” She says, sounding so small and hurt.

 

“That’s all I’ve wanted to do since this morning.” He puts his arm around her and pulls her to him. He moves her hair away with his other hand and kisses her forehead. “Oh, my darling, _confusing_ girl.” He feels her smile against his chest.

 

“Tell me what you need, please tell me,” Ben says.

 

“I don’t know what I need. I just feel so guilty and frightened. How could he do that? They were just innocent little droids – they never hurt anyone.”

 

“I know, I know,” Ben soothes.

 

“Do you really think I’ll be able to fix them?”

 

“If anyone can, it’s you. I have it on very good authority that you can ‘fix anything,’” he gently teases, feeling equilibrium return.

 

She laughs a bit at that and he smiles. There she is, his scavenger girl.

 

“What can I do for you? Are you tired, hungry? What can I do?”

 

“Just keep holding me.” She feels so fragile in his arms.

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.

 

He feels her pushing her sorrow across the Bond. She’s feeling horribly guilty for her cruelty.

 

“Oh Rey … I know you didn’t mean it. But … please tell me you know that I love you, please. To think, even for a moment that you don’t know that …”

 

“I know Ben, I know. I never should have said that. I don’t really know why I did.”

 

He knows he should probably be more hurt than he is, but he’d seen his parents fight and Rey has _nothing_ on his mother. And anyway, he’s earned her anger, every bit of it. He can never make up for what he’s done.

 

“I think I deserved some of it. I’m not so stupid as to think what I did won’t come up. You’ve been incredibly forgiving, Rey – perhaps too forgiving.”

 

She pulls back and looks at him a bit confusedly. He remembers then she never grew up watching her parents. She doesn’t know what fighting looks like. She doesn’t know you will only say the most awful things to the person you love most because you know just where to stick the knife. He chuckles a little to himself and pulls her back to him.

 

“Why are you laughing?” She asks.

 

“Just remembering my parents. This was a picnic compared to when my parents would really get going.”

 

“I don’t like it. I don’t like being angry with you like that. I don’t like being cruel.” She nuzzles in closer to him.

 

“No … no, my love, I don’t imagine that you do.” Though seeing her fiery anger was almost a relief.

 

“You know, don’t you?”

 

“Know what?”

 

“That you’re my … that you’re my love, too.”  Oh, she can steal the breath from his body without even a thought.

 

“Yes, I know.”

 

She nods into his chest.

 

\---

 

She’s sleeping when he hears a soft knock on the door. He untangles himself from around her small body, gently pulling himself away. She stirs slightly but doesn’t wake.

 

Ben senses no ill-intent through the Force and opens the door to find a stiff Chewbacca looking down on him. He has the square droid with him. Ben and Chewie stare at each other when finally Chewie whines quietly.

 

< _For Sunshine. All of us that know of droids are working on them._ > He places the little droid in Ben’s hands and turns to leave.

 

“Wait, please, I …”

 

Chewie stops and waits silently, his head looking back over his shoulder.

 

“Thank you, for doing this, for understanding what she needs.”

 

< _She is important to many on this base. Your thanks are unnecessary._ > Chewie inclines his head slightly and goes.

 

Ben stands in the doorway for an age, then remembers himself. He places the little droid on the floor, waiting to turn it on.

 

He goes to Rey and strokes her cheek gently. “Rey, my heart, Rey?” He tries to wake her gently.

 

Her eyes open and she looks so happy to see him, it’s like a stab to his gut to see her remember what’s happened. He sees the moment she recalls her droids.

 

“I have something for you. Chewie just left it for you …”

 

He collects the small, squat machine and places it in Rey’s hands. Her eyes widen and she looks from the droid to Ben. “Ben?”

 

“They’re all pitching in – anyone who knows how to fix droids is working with Chewie. This is the first. I thought you would want to turn it on.”

 

“Him. This is PB-64. I … I never liked it when people call droids ‘it,’ so some are boys and some are girls. PB is a boy because he’s square and reminds me of Finn.”

 

“Well, shall we turn ‘him’ on then?”

 

Rey reaches around to the back access panel and opens it. Finding the right lever, she switches the little droid on, bringing him to life.

 

At first nothing happens and Ben feels stupid for not testing the little droid first. He never, ever _thinks_. But then the image processor starts to flicker and he moves his head from side to side, as if in query. Suddenly, the room is full of bleeps and whistles; a cacophony of droid chatter.

 

“I know PB, I know, shhh, I know, you’re safe, you’re safe. You have a new image processor, you’re okay. Just calm down.” The droid finally quiets to a few beeps and mournful little whistles.

 

“I know, it was very scary, but you’re alright now,” Rey continues to soothe the droid. “PB, did you see who did this to you?”

 

Another wave of intense droid chatter drowns the room as PB recounts his experience.

 

“Oh, PB, that’s so awful. I promise we’ll keep you safe from now on; no one will hurt you again.”

 

He’s caught some of it, but he never could follow the beeps and whistles of R2-D2. Yet another area in which he was a disappointment.

 

“He didn’t see him; he was wearing something over his face. All PB remembers is being pulled apart and … hacked up.” She looks pale.

 

Ben strokes her cheek with his fingertips. “I know, I know.”

 

“How will I keep them safe?” She’s looking lost again.

 

“Well, I think you might consider accepting a guard like the General suggested.”

 

She looks very uncomfortable with that thought. “I’m not used to letting anyone take care of me.”

 

“Yes, I know,” he says with humor in his eyes. She rolls hers and looks away, lost in thought.

 

“Alright. Whatever Leia thinks is best.” Ben breathes a sigh of relief.

 

“I know you’ve been with me every night, but I think we should inform the General that you will be staying with me for the foreseeable future – set up guard duty with that in mind.”

 

“Why, Ben Solo, are you asking me to move in with you?” Her eyes dance as she teases him.

 

Her joke has frozen him – he knows it’s much too soon. She can’t even bring herself to say that she loves him, not properly, but he finds that he wants very, very much to pretend it’s not a joke and tell her yes, yes he is and will she stay forever?

 

She takes his silence as discomfort and says, “I was only kidding Ben.” She sounds rejected.

 

He pulls her to him suddenly and holds her tightly, staying silent. Her face shows her confusion.

 

Finally he says, “I know you were, but it caught me by surprise and you’ve no idea how very much I wanted to pretend that you weren’t joking.”

 

“Oh,” she says softly.

 

He pulls back and looks into her eyes and tilts her chin up and kisses her deeply. She gasps at his sudden intensity.

 

“I was so worried today. I’ve never seen you like you were earlier. It was like you weren’t really here any longer. I haven’t felt so powerless in a long time.” He’s speaking quietly and with great emotion. “I feel like I’ve failed you. I should have kept them safe. I didn’t understand how important they are to you and I should have thought; should have done a better job of keeping _all_ of you protected.”

 

She looks a little annoyed and says, “Ben, they’re my responsibility. I’m the one who failed, not you.”

 

“But I’ve promised that I would protect you.”

 

“We both know you don’t need to protect me. Adric Poln was the last person to get the drop on me – well, and you, I suppose.” She smiles at that. “It’s lovely that you feel so fiercely about this but I’m not a delicate maid who needs a man to keep her safe. I can defend myself. I was stupid for not recognizing what a threat this man is, but now that I understand, it’s up to me to protect myself and what’s mine.” She says this fiercely.

 

Ben doesn’t like it. She’s _his_. He _does_ need to protect her. He _needs_ to keep her safe in a way that is primal and desperate.

 

“How you feel about your droids.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“That they’re your responsibility, that their safety is paramount to you … That’s how I feel about you, but more so. It’s not that I think _you_ can’t, it’s that _I_ need to. I have no doubt that you can protect yourself, but would it be so very awful if you let me protect you as well?”

 

She thinks about this for a long time. “I’m not used to relying on anyone.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Will you let me protect _you_?” She says. He nearly scoffs at the idea but some latent sense of self-preservation causes him to hold his tongue.

 

“Yes, Rey. We’ll protect each other.” If this is what she needs to hear so that she’ll let him keep her safe, he’ll say it.

 

\---

 

“I’d like to go see how everything is going with my droids,” she says.

 

“Are you sure you’re ready?”

 

“It was a shock, but I’m feeling better. Especially now that I think we’ll be able to fix them.”

 

“Alright, we’ll go. I’m sure they’re in the hangar.”

 

\---

 

There is a buzz of activity and Ben sees that everyone has come out to work on this. There are large drop-cloths spread out, one for each droid, as people sort through the parts, trying to make sense of the carnage. He sees Myla comparing two pieces, looking very confused. Poe and Finn are directing volunteers and Chewie is checking everyone’s work. Chewie whines with frustration as he detaches and reattaches an arm in the right direction.

 

He senses when Rey stops walking and he turns to look at her. He finds her with her mouth agape and her eyes brimming with tears. “Everyone. For me, for them?” She whispers.

 

He turns back and pulls her to him – if only she were always, always in his arms – and rests his head against hers, his lips grazing her hair as he says, “Yes, for you, for them. Don’t you know how loved you are?”

 

He can practically feel her doubt shiver off of her. “But, I’m just-”

 

“Stop. Someday you’ll understand that you aren’t ‘just’ anything. Can’t you see what you mean to everyone here?” He knows she’s never had a family, doesn’t know what it feels like to have everyone drop everything just because you need them. He’s ashamed that he does and still made the choices he did. What would he give to go back and have a very serious and likely violent conversation with himself at 15?

 

“Come, let’s help.” She nods and lets him lead her to the first droid. It’s the tall one and all of its - he suddenly realizes he doesn’t know if this one is a boy or a girl and he knows it matters to her. “Tell me about this one.”

 

“This is RL-76, and she’s in charge. The other droids do what she says most of the time.” ‘She’ is about halfway reassembled; one of Rey’s fellow mechanics is soldering a bisected limb back together, taking great care.

 

Rey kneels down and starts to inspect a circuit board, frowning. “Oh no, he cut it right in half. I don’t know if we’ll be able to recover her memory.” She looks away for a moment, gathering herself.

 

“I’m sure she’ll still be her, she’ll just need to learn she’s in charge all over again. Something tells me she won’t mind the challenge.” He remembers this droid; how she helped him with Rey.

 

The rest of the afternoon is spent working on her little droid family. Anyone with a free shift pitches in and Ben feels rather useless. He doesn’t know anything about droids but he keeps helping where he can. Rey is in her element, focusing and hooting with success when she figures out how to fix the unfixable. By dinner, half of the little droids are waddling and warbling, if looking a bit worse for wear.

 

\---

 

They’re in his bed and he’s holding her close, tucking her frame’s back to his front. He whispers in her ear. “Are you alright?”

 

“Yes, Ben, I’m alright.” She smiles. He strokes her hair back behind her ear and kisses the shell. She shivers from his breath.

 

“We never … we never talked about last night,” Ben says nervously. He needs to know that she’s alright – it was a big step to take.

 

“Last night was perfect.” She snuggles back against him and his arms tighten around her.

 

“We’ve never … you … we …” He can’t put it into words. He knows there is still so much more to come, but last night was precious to him.

 

“Ben, why are you so afraid of rushing me?”

 

He goes still. He doesn’t want to talk about this. He never wants to talk about this. “I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” he sidesteps.

 

“I don’t think you could. The way you touch me … I don’t think you’re capable of pushing me, truly. Please tell me.”

 

“I … please Rey, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is you.”

 

“But I can tell. I know … I know you’ve been hurt.”

 

He looks away. “It was my fault. It doesn’t matter.”

 

“But … obviously it does. I can feel how deeply you’re hurting right now. You never do a very good job of hiding your feelings, you know.”

 

“I … I just don’t want you to know,” he says pleadingly.

 

“Know what? Please tell me Ben, please tell me.”

 

He sighs deeply. She turns in his arms and is facing him. She reaches up and strokes his jaw and looks into his eyes and says, “You tell me that I’m safe with you, that I can ask you anything, that we’ll figure it out together. Don’t you know I feel the same way?”

 

“Well how would I?” He’s deflecting now.

 

She pulls her head back slightly and stills her soothing touches. “What does that mean?”

 

“You never say anything about how you feel, do you?” He knows he’s pushing her away because he doesn’t want to talk about this, but he can’t seem to stop himself.

 

“I … I …” She can’t think of what to say.

 

“As far as I know, you just put up with me. You never say.”

 

“But this morning … I thought, I thought you understood how I feel, how I can’t, not yet, I don’t know how to say what’s inside. It’s too much … I …” She’s looking away and her expression is full of _hurt_. He wants to stop this, to take everything he’s said back, but he just keeps going and he doesn't know why.

 

“Well maybe I need to hear it, have you ever considered that?” He says with harshness.

 

“Ben, please, I don’t understand what’s happening. Maybe I should go.”

 

“Maybe you should.” What? Why is he saying these things? He has to stop, he has to control himself. It wouldn’t be so very bad for her to know.

 

“What?” She whispers. She’s stunned. He knows he’s being stupid and cruel, especially after the day she’s had, but she had to go pressing his vulnerable places. What is he doing?

 

“Maybe you _should_ go.” He just keeps digging further while his better judgement is tied to a chair, screaming.

 

“Uh, alright.” She starts to draw back and sits up. He hears her sniffle and he knows he’s the vilest of villains. She leaves the warmth of his (their!) bed and she’s moving to put her shoes on when he finally, finally regains himself.

 

“Wait, no stop, please stop. I didn’t mean any of that, I’m so sorry, please come back to bed. Please.”

 

She turns to look at him, her eyes huge with _hurt_ and he knows he’s pushed too far.

 

“No, I think I’d like some space right now.”

 

“It’s not safe, please Rey, I’ll sleep on the floor, just don’t leave.”

 

“There’s a guard outside, I’m sure she’ll follow me to my room.” Her voice is flat and dead. What has he done? Oh Maker, what has he done?

 

He’s on his feet and standing in front of her, blocking the door.

 

“No, please, please, stay. Talk with me, let me explain. I know I’ve been horrible. I can’t believe I’ve treated you like this after everything that’s happened, please, you must stay. Please.” He’s near to going on his knees and begging.

 

She just stands there, still as stone, rigid in her hurt. She looks back and forth quickly, not sure what to do , what to say.

 

“How about you just stay to talk, and then you go if you’re still feeling like it. Please.” He takes her hand. She snatches it back. He’s so full of terror that he can barely breathe. What has he _done_? “Please, Rey, I’m so sorry, please.”

 

She looks at him then, and he can see in her eyes that he’ll get no quarter from her this night.

 

“Please stand aside. I’m going to my room.”

 

“Rey, please.”

 

“I’m going to my room,” she says forcefully.

 

He looks at her intensely, sending all of his love and entreaty through their Bond but she just blinks at him. He nods his head sharply and steps aside.

 

She pushes past him and he watches as she closes the door in his face. He hears murmurs in the hallway and Rey’s door closing. He gasps for breath. He’s pacing furiously; he doesn’t know what to do. He can’t just leave it like this. Some part of his brain knows it will likely be alright, but that part of him has never had control and so he’s adrift in panic. He is certain he’s lost her; certain that he’s pushed her away for good. All because of his stupid pride. Why didn’t he just tell her?

 

The room feels too small and his bed _taunts_ him. He’s slept with her close to him every night for weeks and the thought of sleeping alone after that is simply unimaginable. He just won’t sleep. Decision made, he throws on his boots and strides out into the night. It’s raining ferociously. Not the gentle storms D’Qar is known for, but howls of fury that echo the screams in his head. He walks to the forest. He doesn’t care that it’s too dark. He doesn’t care if he gets lost. The rain is beating down on him, his dark hair clinging to his face, the water camouflaging his desperate tears. He was so close. He _does_ wreck everything. He ruins it all, whatever he touches. She was so right.

 

He’s getting further from the base and he just hurts. How could he push her away like that? He knows how fragile she is, how she’s afraid of being left. Just hours earlier she was begging him not to leave her when all he’d done was stand! And then he goes and tells her to leave. Idiot, idiot, idiot. He’s intensely focused inward, so much so that he barely notices in time. He feels the blade cut into him as he turns to find his attacker, but he’s already wounded badly. His unexpected movement had caused the knife to spare his gut, however. The rain is coming down. furiously, making it difficult to see – he can’t make his attacker out in the night.

 

“She is mine,” hisses through the dark. Ben is bleeding copiously from the wound.  He sees the Interloper pull a blaster from his waist and is about to shoot when Ben uses the Force to throw the weapon off into the night sky, lost to the darkness. The Interloper growls furiously and takes his blade in hand, ready to finish this in the primal way. Ben is fading fast and he hears her panic through the Bond. Oh, his perfect love, he thinks as his strength wanes.

 

The Interloper shrieks, “You never should have come,” as he stabs Ben viciously in the side. He’s lost too much blood. He can barely keep his eyes open as he watches the Interloper run off into the night. The rain and Ben’s blood run into the forest floor.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Empress Meaghan M/Juulna! Not only does she continue to beta like the wind, she took the time to post her reviews from here over to ff dot net. It was such a lovely thing to do and it made my little writer's heart burst to look at the review count tic up and up and up.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing for understanding when I say "I'm really feeling the story right now ... is it okay if I keep writing?" I don't know that I would be half so understanding were our positions reversed.
> 
> And thank you readers, commenters, and givers of kudos! I missed you guys yesterday!
> 
> Please note I will be moving to a Monday/Wednesday/Friday posting schedule moving forward.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What has happened to our Space Cupcake? Will our Space Queen find it in her heart to forgive him? Will there be Lemons?

He wakes in the med bay, Rey wrapped closely around him. She’s in the bed with him, her head on his shoulder and her legs tangled with his. He shifts and, oh stars it hurts. The Interloper was very lucky and he’s incensed. How did this even happen? He was so upset and he wasn’t paying attention and now he’s covered in bacta patches. How is Rey supposed to let him protect her when he can’t even protect himself? He realizes that Rey is here, right here, close with him. That must mean something. She wouldn’t be here if she was still mad at him. He reaches down with one hand and strokes her cheek.

 

“Rey?” He watches as her eyes flutter open and she sits up quickly.

 

“Ben, I’m so sorry,” she gasps. Her perfect hazel eyes are rimmed with red and he realizes she’s been crying.

 

He can’t help himself – wounds be damned, he grabs her and kisses her deeply. “No, I’m sorry,” he whispers against her lips.

 

“I never should have left, I’m so sorry. You deserve to know how I feel, I-” He stops her then.

 

“No, whatever you wish to tell me I will hear it because you want to say it, not because I’ve been foolish.” He kisses her again, swallowing her protests. He’s still kissing her soundly when he hears a throat clear. He stops kissing her immediately, but keeps his arms around her. He glares up only to find his mother. He changes his expression quickly. “Uh, Mother.”

 

“Hello Ben, Rey. I’m glad to see you’re … feeling better." She looks quite amused. It’s only then that he notices the guards at his door and his cheeks are stained pink with embarrassment. Rey is hiding her face behind his shoulder.

 

“What happened?” Ben asks.

 

“Rey felt you through the Bond and we found you just in time. You’d almost bled out. It was a near thing Ben.” His mother sounds like she’d faced all her demons last night.

 

He gently pulls Rey’s face from where she’s hiding and says, “Thank you for saving me.”

 

“It was so awful. I felt you … leaving. I never want to feel that again.” Rey looks haunted. He gets hints and flashes through the Bond, her frantic search, her overwhelming relief. He presses against the Bond lightly, asking to be let in.  He doesn’t do that often, but he needs to know that she’s alright. She lets the deep and desperate fear of losing him seep through their connection. He pulls her closer, but then they both remember that his mother is here and they look towards Leia.

 

“I have news about your attacker. We know who he is. His name is Taric Sto-Kah. He’s a pilot-”

 

“Pilot, yes, I know him. He often requests that I work on his ship.” Rey looks like she’s making connection after connection in her head.

 

“Well, it would appear that he’s been a very busy boy. Once we knew who we were dealing with, we were able to follow him through the logs. He’s been watching you for a long time. Much longer than we thought. We found a camera in your old room.” Leia looks at Ben like she’s trying to warn him of something, but he’s too angry.

 

Fury – pulsing, raging, fury – rips through Ben at this. Someone had been _watching_ his scavenger girl? _Spying_? He’s so angry at himself for letting Sto-Kah best him. That should have gone very differently, with the Interloper in a body bag, preferably. He’s been slipping, so consumed by Rey that he’s not paying attention to anything but her. That will need to end. It will not happen again.

 

“We think he’s somewhere in the forest; we’re searching there as we speak. Now, Ben, it’s time for you to rest. Rey, would you like to come have tea with me?” Leia asks.

 

He assumes she’ll say no as she’s clinging to him, but she surprises him when she says, “Yes, I’d like that.” He feels her untangle herself and he’s already missing her warmth.

 

“I’ll be back soon, Ben. Okay?”

 

He tries not to let his disappointment show but he’s sure he’s failed. “Enjoy your tea,” he says faintly.

 

She looks at him, and trails a hand along his face. He presses into her and catches her fingers with his. He bends his head and kisses them. “Don’t be long.”

 

She smiles but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “I’ll be back as soon as I can, I promise.”

 

He watches as his mother and his love retreat from his bedside and isn’t sure why he feels so unsettled.

 

\---

 

Something is clamoring through the Bond. He can’t identify it, but he knows Rey is upset about _something_. Something she’s trying to hide from him. It can’t be the Interloper; she wouldn’t hide that. He’s frustrated and just wants her to come back.

 

The medical droid has declared him fit to leave the med bay but he lingers, not sure if Rey will come back here or to her quarters. He knows he could just tell her through the Bond but he senses she wants privacy. What is bothering her so? His wounds are hurting him, the bacta only doing so much. He was still stabbed twice. He scowls at that thought. He, Kylo Ren, bested by a _pilot_. He’s furious. At himself, at the Interloper, at his mother for taking Rey away for _tea_. He just wants her in his arms after yesterday and he’s so frustrated.

 

“Stop,” floats across the Bond. “I can’t think with you pacing around in my head like that.” He didn’t even realize he’d been projecting; he’s slipping so badly. He focuses on keeping his feelings on his side of the Bond and breathes in deeply. He has to calm down!

 

He thinks about Rey, about how she lets him hold her, how she kisses him so sweetly. How it felt to press himself against her, to lose himself with her that way. His breathing evens and he calms. “I’m going to my quarters,” he lets gently slip through the Bond.

 

\---

 

He hears her light knock and answers immediately.  He rushes towards her, almost frantic. “What is it, what’s wrong, is it last night? I’m so sorry about last night.” He’s covering her with kisses and his hands are everywhere.

 

“Stop, Ben, please stop.” He stills.

 

“What is it? Please tell me,” he entreats.

 

“Let’s sit, alright?” She’s leading him to the bed. He’s suddenly very afraid. He sits on the edge of his bed and holds her hand far too tightly.

 

“You really don’t know why I’m upset, do you?”

 

He just looks at her with his large dark eyes, full of fear.

 

“Ben, can’t you see a few parallels between you and Taric?”

 

This brings Ben’s brain to a stuttering halt. He’s nothing like that!

 

“It’s difficult to see a darker side to obsession. Because that’s what you feel for me, at least that’s what it started out as.”

 

“I love you!” He blurts out passionately.

 

“I know; I know you do. But that’s why I had to talk to Leia. Sometimes I feel like you don’t precisely see … me. I feel like you see some perfect image of what you imagine I am. Taric … he doesn’t see me either. He spied, too. Don’t you see?”

 

Ben is speechless. No, he doesn’t see, they’re nothing alike. _Oh but aren’t you?_ Floats through his mind. He takes a deep breath and looks away, thinking furiously. He did … spy, he supposes. But he would never have hurt her! He would never have taken her droids from her. He’d done everything he could think of to bring himself to her as a worthy suitor. The Interloper just hid and hurt and took. This stops his train of thought immediately. He’s beginning to see it now, what she’s trying to say. He knows he did take, he would do anything not to have, but he can’t change it now. Just like everything else. Will it ever be enough? He thinks this bleakly.

 

She’s looking at him with soft eyes and she strokes his hand with hers. “I know you would never do to me what he has done.”

 

“Never!” He’s emphatic.

 

“But, you can see it, maybe?”

 

“Yes, I see it,” he says grudgingly. “But what I feel for you is not obsession. It’s … it’s so much deeper than anything so simple as obsession … You aren’t wrong, it may have started out that way, but … please don’t belittle my feelings for you, please don’t believe they are so blind. You are real and full and oh so flawed. I see you. I do. And I love all that I see. It’s not that I only see your perfection; it’s that to me everything about you is perfect. Do you see the difference?” He can tell from her face that she can’t.

 

“Do you remember when I told you I wouldn’t change anything about you because who you are is what I want? It’s like that. Yes, you’re terrified of losing people, yes it makes you do and say some … questionable things, but who knows which part of you came from that? If we smooth over your hard, broken pieces do we lose your fierce loyalty or your exquisite, endless kindness? Your beautiful heart? I wouldn't change any of you because it would change _you_. I see you, I promise, I do. I didn’t just make you up.”

 

She’s silent for a long time. Then she reaches up and takes his face in her hands and kisses him. She kisses him like she’s trying to kiss his very soul. She’s pushing him back on the bed and she straddles him. He gasps at her sudden closeness. She hovers over him and keeps her fingertips against his cheekbones. Her face is inches from his and her eyes flit back and forth, trying to maintain eye contact with both eyes but too close to do so. “Are you listening to me?” she says raggedly.

 

“Yes, yes, I’m listening.” She’s weaving her spell again and he’s entirely hers.

 

She pulls back slightly and looks deeply into him. “I love you, Ben.”

 

His chest blooms with such warmth and he finds he can’t quite breathe. Suddenly he reaches up and takes her face in his hands and says, “Do you, oh truly, do you?” He doesn’t even try to hide the hopeful desperation in his voice. A year now it’s been that he’s been hers and finally, finally, she’s his, too.

 

“Yes Ben, I love you.”

 

He starts to kiss her with everything he has. He’s trembling. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” he chants into her lips between caresses. He’s tangling his hands in her hair and she’s stroking his face, still on her knees, straddling him. She gasps as she pulls away, his head coming off the bed to follow her. She sits up and he knows she can feel how hard he is for her; he’s always so hard for her. She pulls her shirt off and grinds herself against him, a wanton little moan escaping her perfect lips. He’s dizzy and he can’t quite believe this is happening. She frees her breasts and her eyes look fierce as if she might devour him. He finds he’s very much on board with that. She starts to lift his shirt and stills when she sees the bacta patch.

 

“Oh Ben, I’m sorry!” The heat is leaving her eyes. He’s desperate to coax it back as soon as he can.

 

“No, it’s fine. Just be careful and there won’t be a problem.”

 

She suddenly realizes about his thigh. “Should I even be on you like this?”

 

“Please stay just there, please. We’ll be careful, I promise, please just let me touch you. You have to let me keep touching you.” She shifts and stretches next to him “There, now you can make sure I don’t hurt you.”

 

“Oh, hurt me all you want, just stay right here.” Her declaration has stirred something in him. He’s not being so careful of her, he just needs her, as much of her as she’ll give, he’ll take.

 

They shift together and he’s up on his side next to her, her leg thrown over his, and he knows that if they weren’t clothed he could slip into her as he grinds against her center. He’s never wanted her as much as he does right now. “I love you, Ben,” echoes in his head and he’s in a state of transcendent bliss. He pulls his shirt off impatiently; he wants her skin against his as soon as possible. Her small hands are running up and down his torso and he’s kissing her and kissing her, and oh Force he didn’t know he could be this hard.

 

Again he feels her hand trail down. But this time he doesn’t stop her. She’s bolder now; she undoes his trousers and slips her hand inside. For the first time he feels her hand on him and he’s lost. He’s never felt anything like her soft, insistent fingers grasping him. She’s hesitant; she doesn’t know what to do. He takes his hand and places it over hers and shows her what he likes. Soon she’s stroking him firmly but slowly and he knows he would do anything, say anything, give anything, so long as she keeps touching him like that. He’s groaning with desperate want, his head thrown back as she keeps pumping his cock. He looks at her blearily and sees open fascination in her eyes. She looks like she’s just found a particularly enticing scavenge and he almost laughs but she twists her hand just so over his head and he’s lost in sensation. Oh, what this woman does to him, it’s indescribable. He’s so close. She stops suddenly and he shudders and opens his eyes. “What-”

 

“Naked, I want you naked, I want us naked.” He’s not about to argue as he fumbles with his clothes. She’s pulling his trousers and underwear off and he is about to undo her leggings when he stops. “You’re sure?” he says, looking at her closely. She rolls her eyes, bats his hand away, and pulls her leggings (and panties, his mind helpfully supplies) off and she’s gloriously bare before him. He stops breathing and just blinks – she’s so achingly perfect. He knows – he just knows – she was made for him, only him. They twine together again and he feels her whole body against his for the first time and he whimpers with desperate want. He wants so badly to roll over her and slip his painfully hard cock deep inside her. He wants to join with her, to show her with his body that they are one, that she is his, that he is hers … but he senses tonight is not that night.

 

He starts to kiss her again, his tongue doing what his body desperately wants to do, stroking in and out of her mouth, kissing her deeply. He feels her bare body against his. Her small hand finds his cock again and once more he’s under her spell. It’s unlike anything he’d even imagined. Everything that ever was is distilled down to the feeling of her stroking him, touching him. He feels the heat curling in his abdomen and he knows he should stop her and see to her first but she’s so insistent that he can’t hold on. As if she senses his need, she speeds up, pulling the soft velvet skin over the hard iron of his erection, over and over until he shouts out and ropes of his pleasure are pulled from his depths. He’s calling out and chanting, “Rey, Rey, Rey,” as she watches, enraptured.

 

He’s coming back to himself and he looks into her face. She looks _fascinated_. “Is that how it is for men?”

 

He’s barely caught his breath but he nods, “Yes …”

 

“I’ve never seen anything like that!” she exclaims.

 

He’s a little embarrassed by her open curiosity. She lifts her hand and a cloth flies into her palm. She starts to clean him and he stops her. “Let me.” Somehow, this is impossibly intimate and he feels like he’s been caught like an adolescent.

 

“Why? It’s my fault.” And suddenly she’s giggling. She snatches back the cloth and finishes, dropping it to the floor. He’s very confused. “I did that! Don’t you see! I made you feel like that – me!” She’s absolutely adorable in her elation and his embarrassment dissolves in an instant.

 

“Yes my darling girl, you did that. Now, will you let me do it for you?” He looks at her intensely, pushing her onto her back, hovering over her. She bites her lip and nods. Her hair is fanned out on the pillow and he knows exactly what he’s going to do. He starts to kiss her perfect neck and trails kisses down to her gorgeous breasts. He pauses, taking a hard, succulent nipple into his mouth. He swirls his tongue over her pebbled flesh and, just when she’s gasping and pleading, he shifts to the other breast, teasing it to a perfect point with his mouth. She’s trembling and he knows it’s time.

 

He starts to kiss down her stomach, flicking his tongue out as he goes until he reaches her tight thatch of curls. He looks up and she’s still panting from his attentions to her breasts. He finds that perfect bundle of nerves with his long fingers. He strokes languidly and she pulls off the bed for a moment and then settles. He parts her folds and slips his tongue in to taste her.

 

She gasps, “What, what are you doing?!”

 

He keeps stroking her gently with his fingers and says, “Shhh, you’ll enjoy this, I promise. You don’t know how long I’ve ached to taste you.” She lays back and she’s still a bit wary, but he’s certain that won’t last long.

 

He shifts his position and starts to lick her in earnest, whirling his tongue over her clit, using the underside up under the hood, gently swirling and tasting her.

 

She’s gone rigid and she’s panting out, “Oh Ben, oh Ben!”

 

She’s startled when he takes two fingers and presses them into her, stretching her walls. He keeps a steady rhythm on her clit with his tongue while his fingers pulse in and out of her. She’s fisting the sheets and she’s incoherent, just an incomprehensible chant of, “Ben,” "Please,” and “Oh, Maker,” tumbling out of her mouth. He feels her walls start to tighten and he _groans_ , imagining what she will feel like around his cock. He knows he will make her his very soon.

 

She’s beginning to keen and he settles into the ceaseless rhythm she requires, licking and thrusting until she calls out, “Oh, Ben, I love you, I love you, _I love you_ ,” as he feels her come apart around his tongue and fingers. There’s a rush of moisture and he _must_ lap it up, the taste of her is so intoxicating. He sucks all of her pleasure into himself and then puts his forehead on her belly.

 

“Oh Rey,” he sighs. He feels her hands on his shoulders, pulling him up towards her.

 

“Let me kiss you, oh please let me kiss you,” she breathes out.

 

He makes his way up her body and looks at her beautifully flushed face. She tangles her hands in his hair and pulls him down to her and kisses him so deeply he thinks he might faint from pleasure.

 

“I didn't know. I can’t think. What did you _do_ to me, Ben?”

 

He smiles a smug little smile and says, “Only something I’d like to do every day if you’ll let me.”

 

She nods vigorously and Ben can’t help but laugh. “Oh, my perfect, darling girl. What am I going to do with you?”

 

“Lots and lots of that, please.”

 

He laughs harder and grins down at her. He lies on his back and pulls her to him, mindful of his wounds. She settles in; he’ll never stop being amazed by how they _fit_ together.

 

She’s tracing lazy circles in his fine chest hair and he senses she’s not ready for sleep.

 

“What is it?” he asks.

 

“Nothing, it doesn’t matter.” Ah, she still wants to know.

 

He sighs deeply. “Rey, I’m sorry I pushed you away last night. I was wrong and cruel.”

 

“I was far worse earlier in the day.”

 

“Perhaps, but you have reasons to be angry with me. I simply lashed out because I didn’t – don’t, really – want to talk about my past.” He shifts and looks into her unfathomable hazel eyes and says, “You had gone through something awful and I rejected you when you needed me most. I’m deeply ashamed of myself.”

 

“I shouldn't have pushed. I could tell you didn’t want to talk about it. I just hate knowing someone hurt you.”

 

“I’ll tell you, I promise. Just not tonight, alright?” He’s feeling so safe and open with her, tangled up with her naked body against his. He can’t bring those memories _here_.

 

“Alright, Ben.” She curls into him even more closely. “I was so afraid last night, when I felt you get hurt. I … I never want to feel that again.” He holds her firmly and kisses her temple.

 

“Oh, my darling girl … you found me, I’m safe. Just like with Snoke. This Bond will keep us safe. I’m not going anywhere.” Her hand tightens on his chest. Through the Bond he feels the loneliness that’s never far from his lost girl. He feels her timid hope and the depth of her fear. Fear of losing him. 

 

She leans up and whispers shyly in his ear, “I love you.”

 

His smile nearly splits his face. “Oh Rey, how I love you.”

 

He settles his arms snuggly around her and they both _drift_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my lovely and talented beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. She's always on it. We had the very best conversation about the mechanics of loss of virginity that still has me shaking my head and chuckling to myself. Fanfic man, fanfic.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing who put up with a bout of truly spectacular insecurity with aplomb.
> 
> Thank you readers and commenters! I sure did miss you yesterday. It was hard not to post, let me tell you!
> 
> I don't know how to put a link here, but come visit me on tumblr! http://perrydowning.tumblr.com/


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Generally I'm a bit whimsical in this space, poking a bit of fun at our Space Pastries. However, this chapter has reference to a situation that's very gray in terms of consent. Ben's first time was dub-con so please, readers, be aware. I would hate to upset someone inadvertently.

He’s in the briefing room. The Interloper has not been found so they’re meeting to formulate a plan. Random sweeps of the forest have brought up very little, only indications that he’d been there hours before. Snoke has been eerily silent and it has Ben on edge about _everything_.

 

There’s talk of all personnel descending on the forest at once in a grid pattern. They’re bound to find him then, surely? Rey is very quiet, like she’s thinking hard about something.

 

“What if we use me as bait?” Rey offers suddenly.

 

A chorus of noes come out forcefully from Finn, Poe, and Ben. There’s a very angry growl from Chewie. Leia is silent and Luke looks pensive.

 

“Listen to me. We’ve already searched the forest multiple times. He’s not going to be found that way. We know he’ll come out of wherever he’s hiding in order to get to me – look what he did to Ben!”

 

Ben would prefer his less than stellar performance not be noted for all and sundry but he doesn’t say anything.

 

“I really think this is the only way to get him out in the open. I’ll start walking in the forest alone and Ben can …” She stops herself and looks around the room. It’s a small group of Rey’s most trusted compatriots and a handful of high-level officers. “Does everyone in this room know about Ben?” Rey looks to Leia.

 

“Yes, all present are aware of Ben’s history and Force-sensitivity.”

 

“Alright then. For those that don’t know, Ben and I share a Force Bond. He can hear and see everything I am experiencing. He can monitor me from any distance and as soon as Sto-Kah is out in the open Ben can lead the ambu-”

 

The room breaks out into absolute bedlam as Ben starts shouting about keeping her safe, Finn and Poe are interrupting each other, and Chewie is just roaring. Finally Ben’s voice rings out, “You can’t possibly be serious. This is the worst idea I’ve ever heard. We go into the forest en masse.”

 

“You all know how much I hate to agree with this guy, but he’s making sense,” Finn says, getting the words out just a little faster than Poe.

 

< _Sunshine must not do_ _this_ ,> Chewie contributes.

 

Rey sits back with her arms crossed and glares at everyone, most intensely at Ben.

 

Luke has remained quiet, stroking his beard.

 

“I think Rey is right.” All heads pivot towards the quiet Jedi.

 

Rey’s jaw goes slack and she says, “I am?”

 

“Yes, Taric Sto-Kah has shown himself to be quite slippery. I almost wonder if he doesn’t have some latent Force-Sensitivity. He never should have been able to hurt Ben the way he did.” Everyone goes quiet at this. Ben scoffs internally. He knows just how unlikely it would be, how very rare Force-sensitives are … now. As comforting as it would be to his ego, Ben dismisses it immediately.

 

Ben is furious. What is she thinking? She’s said she’d let him keep her safe and this is about the furthest from that that he can think of. He wants very much to take her outside and speak with her alone. He avoids the Bond unless in training. It’s still a delicate subject. But this time he can’t help himself.

 

“You can’t do this, please don’t do this,” he thinks frantically through the Bond.

 

“Stop that. I’m right here. We’ll talk about it afterwards if you need to.” And with that he feels her block him out. He scowls.

 

“And how would this work, precisely?” Leia is near to being swayed. She always did listen to Luke, Ben thinks bitterly.

 

Ben throws his hands up and sits back. Finn and Poe are wearing the exact same expression. They all look powerless and angry.

 

“Like I said, I just go walking. I know he’ll find me. He won’t be able to stop himself. If I start going on walks every day at the same time, the same route, he’ll pick up on the pattern. Ben can stay tuned in with me and as soon as Sto-Kah makes his move, Ben charges in with everyone else. I mean, Taric wants to _have_ me; he doesn’t want to kill me. I’ll be alright.”

 

Ben stands and paces in the back of the room, looking every inch a caged animal ready to strike.

 

“I don’t like this,” Ben growls.

 

“I know you don’t, but it’s a good plan.” Rey has stood and is now next to him, her hand on his arm, stopping his pacing. Ben looks at her intently, then away sharply. He lets her lead him back to their chairs.

 

“I know this will work,” Rey says.

 

“I think it’s a solid plan,” Leia confirms. “Now, we need to determine the team …” The meeting descends into logistics and Ben tunes it out, fuming.

 

\---

 

“Are you determined to get yourself killed at worst, violated at best?” As soon as they're alone together he slips his leash and is incensed.

 

“Do you think so little of me?” She’s not having any of it, not today. He sees the warning in her eyes and keeps going anyway.

 

“You said you’d let me protect you – this is the opposite of that. This is madness, walking through the forest like a great big juicy piece of meat. What if he hurts you before I can get to you?  Rey, please, you haven’t thought this through,” he pleads.

 

“Yes I have! I need this to end. It has to stop before the price becomes something I simply cannot pay. He almost _killed_ you!” He sees that she’s not angry – she’s _afraid_. For him.

 

“Rey … please don’t do this. We’ll find another way. I can’t … I can’t bear to have you in his clutches, even for a few minutes. That’s enough time to do a _great deal_ of damage. I should know,” he says almost to himself.

 

“I have to. I can’t go on like this. I want my life back. I want … I want a life with you, and this man, Taric, he’s threatening that. He nearly took you from me! Don’t you understand what that does to me? To have you, finally feel like I’m wanted, to finally sleep. Stars, do you know what it’s like to finally sleep? If I lost you now …” He’s stunned into silence. She’s never been so clear in her feelings before. She wants a life with him? She really feels wanted? He’s suddenly not angry at all and pulls her into his larger frame.

 

“Do you really need to do this?” He whispers into her hair.

 

“Yes, Ben, I really need to do this. Will you help me?”

 

“Yes ... of course. I’ll always help you, whatever it is.” He strokes her hair and revels in the feeling of her pressed so close. “You know, a life with you is all I want – the only thing that matters to me now?” Ben asks. He hopes she knows, but he’s finding it’s better to ask than assume with Rey.

 

“I was pretty sure, but it’s nice to hear.” She smiles her perfect smile and his chest is bursting with love for her.

 

\---

 

They’re in the meditation field and Ben takes Rey’s hand. “Rey, last night … I promised to tell you … about my past.”

 

Rey looks up, surprised. “I didn’t think you were ready; you didn’t seem to want to tell me anything.”

 

“I find I want no secrets between us.” The urgency of their plan to find the Interloper makes him want to leave nothing unsaid … nothing undone.

 

“I don’t want to make you feel like you have to tell me or anything like that.”

 

“I know. I …. I think I want you to know. You deserve to know before things go any … further.” He blushes a little at that. He doesn’t know what she wants and he doesn’t want to presume, but he wants to be with her properly.

 

She winds her arms around his neck and whispers, “I’m hoping that’s soon. I made a trip to the med bay after Leia explained my options.” She what? His mother explained about the … particulars? Oh Force, his mother has talked with his lover about birth control? Well, he supposes, that’s one less thing to be concerned with. Then he realizes what she’s really saying and he feels himself begin to harden. He bends down and kisses her with passion and need, flicking his tongue along her lower lip as she opens for him. Her hands tangle in his hair and all he feels is _her_. He pushes his hand up under her shirt and finds the firm softness of her breast and rolls her nipple between his fingers. She moans into his mouth as he grinds against her. Suddenly, he remembers where they are and why he wanted to talk with her, and he begins to pull back. “Rey …” he breathes as he stops kissing her.

 

She’s looking up at him and he can see that she loves him and it makes his chest ache with longing. He takes her hand and pulls her to walk with him. He tucks her hand into the crook of his elbow, keeping her close.

 

He walks her to a clutch of large rocks and gestures for them to sit. They both do and he’s facing her, holding her hand.

 

“That night. The night when everything went so horribly wrong at the Temple. Do you know … Has Luke told you what happened?”

 

“No, only that everyone died.”

 

He looks off in the distance and takes a deep breath, steeling himself. “It was my fault. I let them in. I took down the shields and Snoke’s men came. I didn’t know they’d planned to kill anyone … everyone. I just thought I and about a dozen others would be leaving – only _leaving_. I never would have let them in if I’d known.”

 

He’s quiet for a moment. She strokes his palm with her thumb, looking at him with openness.

 

“Anyway … It was awful. Seeing those children – oh Rey, those beautiful children – cut down like that. I was frantic and terrified and I knew I could never go home after what I’d done. Most of the others even joined in. I never relished in killing the way that the others did. I was good at it, make no mistake. I was ruthless, efficient. But only because it ended faster that way. After … after, it always haunted me.” He looks down at their hands and is struck again that he probably shouldn’t even touch her.

 

“That night, I was in shock. The first thing I did once I was alone was vomit my dinner all over the floor. I was sickened by what I’d seen, by what I’d let happen, by what I’d _made_ happen. Snoke was waiting for us, and most of the Jedi were high on bloodlust and thrilled to be there, to be away from that ‘old grandmother’ Master Luke. I knew I had to pretend, that if they knew how I was really feeling … this was my only place now.” He remembers the way the other boys laughed and told stories about killing the old librarian who constantly shushed them. He’d always liked the old man and his reverence for the written word and ancient ways. He remembers how Snoke’s men, fierce in their black warriors’ garb, had slapped backs and congratulated them on a good first battle. He remembers the gut-churning anxiety he’d felt when he realized that he would be expected to kill, and soon.

 

“They brought us into a room full of food and drink and Snoke was so magnanimous. I had no idea the pain that was coming. I just wanted … oh Rey, I just wanted my mother. I just wanted to go _home_. I started to fantasize that my father would come for me; that he, Chewie and the _Falcon_ were already on their way … that somehow Mother would know that I hadn’t meant to, that I hadn’t killed anyone. That I wouldn’t have done that. But … they never came. I think they might have if I’d reached out … but that was so long ago.”

 

Rey is very quiet, but she’s taken his other hand in hers and her eyes are shining with love and bright with tears. Somehow that makes it alright to go on.

 

“I knew I had to seem like the others. That they couldn’t know what I was feeling. I think that I always knew I wasn’t safe with Snoke. For all of his seductive teachings, I never really trusted him. Not with my whole self. After the Temple, I needed the Dark Side; it made it possible to do those awful things. It was like a drug – it kept the horror at bay.” He knows he’s avoiding what he really needs to tell her, but he wants her to understand.

 

“After we were all drunk, on violence or spirits, Snoke had … women brought. I didn’t know what to do. I’d never even kissed a girl and these women were so obviously experienced. They weren’t wearing much and stars, I was so uncomfortable. But this was supposed to be a celebration; I had to fit in. One woman, she came up to me and she just grabbed me through my trousers, made a joke about my big hands and I didn’t know what to do.” He can’t look at Rey.

 

“Everyone was pairing off. Maker, some were going with two women at a time. The others, they acted like this was their due, triumphant in their success. But I could barely keep it together. Snoke was watching me very closely. I think he knew my heart wasn’t in it. She took me into another room, with a bed and … she … that was my first time. I never even kissed her. I’ve never felt so dirty in my life.” He remembers her going to her knees in front of him and taking him in her mouth. He was so confused. It felt so good but he was disgusted. He felt like his body was betraying him. She was at least 10 years older than him and so efficient. She knew more about his body than he did and he felt so … wrong. She’d taken off his clothes, never removing her own, and had straddled him, pushing him inside her. He’d known it was profane. All those children dead because of him and he was being pleasured, rewarded. He couldn’t even look at her as she rode him. When he’d finished he’d almost started crying. She’d been kind, then. She’d touched his face and said, “It gets easier with practice.” Then she’d simply pulled herself from him and left him alone with his shame.

 

He’d dragged himself to the shower and sat on the tiled floor while water as hot as he could stand it beat down on him. He’d wrapped his arms around himself and finally cried, hoping the water would wash it all away, knowing that nothing ever could.

 

“All I could think after that was that something sacred had been taken from me. I’ve never known if it was the act itself or the fact that I didn’t really have any choice. Or if it was just the horror of what I’d done. But that’s what my life became. Pain. Death, killing. Meaningless, pointless release. It was just another drug, like the Dark Side. Oh Force, I hated myself so much, Rey. How can you even let me touch you?”

 

Rey’s eyes are shining with unshed tears and she stands before him, pulling his head to her breast and holding him close. He clings as 15 years of unshed tears finally fall. “Oh Rey, I never wanted to do it, any of it, and then it just became part of all of it. I feel so … unclean. Everything this body has done, it is vile and you shouldn’t let me touch you.” He starts to pull away at that and Rey grabs him fiercely.

 

“No, no, Ben. Stop, please.” He stills.

 

“You were a boy, an innocent boy who wasn’t ready, for any of it. If I hadn’t wanted to kill Snoke before …” She smoothes her hands over his head, feeling his body shake as he cries.

 

“I wish I could come to you unsullied. You have no idea how much I wish you were the only one to have ever touched me.”  His eyes are red now, full of tears and self-loathing.

 

“You did what you had to do to survive. There’s no shame in that, Ben.” She holds him as close as she can until finally his trembling stops and he’s sniffling lightly. She shifts and places herself in his lap. He wraps his arms around her waist and holds her so tightly.

 

“Was it always like that, for the last 15 years?”

 

“No!” He gasps out into her shoulder. “I stopped it years ago. Once Snoke was assured of my loyalty, I told him it was a distraction from my path to the Dark Side. The others continued; it was always part of how Snoke controlled us. But he accepted it from me, admired me for it even, I think. I never saw Snoke with a woman.” Rey just nods.

 

“Did you think – all this time, have you thought I came from another woman’s bed to yours?” He’s almost sick with the thought.

 

“I didn’t know. It wasn’t any of my business,” she says with a small voice. Oh Force, no wonder she pushed herself; she really had thought she owed it to him … that if she didn’t, someone else would. He’s angry at himself for not clearing all of this up sooner. He just hadn’t wanted her to know his shame.

 

“Listen, please listen. I haven’t touched a woman in over 10, maybe 12, years. It wasn’t worth remembering precisely. You are the first in a very long time. And frankly, I prefer that you not compare yourself. I certainly don’t. You are a revelation. Just being able to hold you is beyond anything I’ve ever felt before. I don’t even like to think of you in the same way. I told you before, you are sacred to me.”

 

She holds him tighter and lays her head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry you never got to choose. I’m sorry you haven’t been able to experience what you’re giving me.” She takes his hands in hers. “The way you touch me, like I’m the most precious thing in the galaxy … your hands, these hands you hate so much, they are impossibly gentle when you touch me, hold me. These hands give me pleasure. These hands make me feel safe. These hands … they are _worthy_.” She whispers the last into his ear and he shudders from the feelings her words stir in him. Could it possibly be true?

 

He pulls her closely and stands, carrying her, holding her in his arms so that her face is right next to his and catches her lips, kissing her so tenderly she whimpers a small breathy sound. He feels cleansed, he feels accepted. He is Rey’s.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my beta, Meaghan M/Juulna who helped me hash out exactly what sort of warning was needed and for continuing to be an exemplary human being.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who is currently re-reading this whole beast so that I can pick his brain about future plot developments.
> 
> Thank you The Dark Becomes You and Sabi for your constant support on tumblr, you're both amazing.
> 
> And, as ever and always, thank you readers and commenters. I sure did miss you over the weekend! Pssst. Guess what? Next chapter is The Lemon. See you again on Wednesday! Or come say hi on tumblr: perrydowning.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All aboard the Ben Solo Lemon Train! Space Cupcake and Space Queen share a huge Lemon Meringue Pie. There's an impossible amount of meringue on top, yeah, that fluffy.

They’re in the dining hall and she won’t let him go. He feels like he’s won the whole galaxy and he thinks perhaps he has. She keeps a hand on his thigh, and her ankles rest against his. She’s a bit like he felt at the beginning, as if she’s afraid he’ll float away.

 

No one is sitting with them and suddenly she looks at him with a coy expression and says “So … when you were … let’s say, hiding.” He’s on alert now, but her tone is playful.

 

“Uhm. Yes?”

 

“Did you see _everything_?” She lifts her eyebrows suggestively.

 

He swallows quickly. Oh, he’s in for it now. “Generally no, I would leave when you were changing or … other intimate things.” It’s her turn to look embarrassed but she recovers quickly.

 

“Generally?” Caught that, did she?

 

“One time, only once. Well, twice. You were swimming naked in your dream, you remember? Anyway, it was after the Bond had started to bleed, when you were picking up on things because my control was in tatters. After you’d begun to dream of me. You’d had tea with my mother that day and were softening towards me. I told myself you wouldn’t mind so very much if I peeked … while you changed. I know I shouldn’t have done it.” He looks down. He’s very afraid of her reaction. He’s feeling so close to her and he knows this will likely ruin it all.

 

“I should be furious.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I should refuse to speak to you.”

 

“Yes.” This is it. He just knows he’s lost her.

 

“But I find I’m rather … flattered.” He can’t quite believe what he’s hearing. Then her eyes fly open as she’s making connections. “That was the first night I …” First night? She’d … like that night, again? She goes an adorable shade of pink. “Did you stay for … that?”

 

“I didn’t mean to, but … seeing you like that, it, uh, well it affected me. I was …. _thinking_ about you, rather … interactively. When you began to … I couldn’t help myself, I’m so sorry, I know I shouldn’t have.” Will she forgive this too?

 

“It’s alright, Ben. So last night wasn’t the first time you’ve seen me naked, hmm?” She’s just full of mischief and he’s impossibly relieved.

 

“Why aren’t you angry?”

 

“I’d thought a lot about it, when I first found out. I’m actually surprised it was only once. I’d assumed you’d made a habit of it. Why do you think I was so angry about everything you took?”

 

“ _Maker_ , it’s a miracle you’re sitting here now if that’s what you thought.” He throws his napkin down. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I really did try to conduct myself honorably. I admit I made a mess of it, I did, but I tried not to … take.”

 

She grasps his hand and looks into his eyes and says, “Maybe it’s time for me to _give_.” She says this heavy with meaning. At first he’s confused.

 

“Oh. _Oh_!” His whole body is infused with heat at her insinuation. “Are you finished with your dinner?” he says rather desperately.

 

“Yes, I’m finished. With dinner.” She keeps looking at him like he’s something delicious and he almost trips over his own feet in an effort to get them moving as quickly as possible.

 

\---

 

He’s just closed his door and has her pushed up against it, kissing her neck, sucking at her pulse point. He’s pushing her shirt up and her bindings down. He wants her so badly and tonight she’ll be his. He pauses at this thought, realizing he must slow down. She will only have this once in her life and he means to make it perfect. He takes her hands and pulls her over near the bed. He waves his hand and the lights dim. He stands in front of her, looking into her eyes and says, “Rey, I need to know that you want this.”

 

“I think I made that pretty clear at dinner.” She’s smiling up at him and he wants her, badly.

 

He growls low in his throat and whispers, “You are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. I have wanted this for so long. Wanted _you_.” He pulls her shirt over her head and makes quick work of her bindings. Then he pulls his own tunic off. He circles her and stands behind her, pulling her flush against him. She gasps and throws her head back, exposing her delicate throat. He bends his head and kisses her neck, trailing his fingers along her collarbone. He smooths his hand along her side, feeling the curve of her waist as he moves his fingers over her exquisite skin. Then he’s cupping her perfect breast with one hand while teasing her waistband with the other. He’s placing hot, open-mouthed kisses along her throat and bites gently where her neck and shoulder meet. He feels her nipple pebble under his long, sensitive fingers and he delights in the feel of the weight of her breast in his palm. She’s so soft and he can’t help but grind himself against the small of her back.

 

While his left hand is busy with the gentle swell of her small, firm breast, his other hand slowly makes its way into her panties. His clever fingers delve through her soft curls, finding her so very wet for him. He whimpers when he feels that; feels how she wants him. She wants him. Oh, it’s so much more than he’d ever dreamed. He dips his fingers deep inside of her, drenching them with her essence. He strokes along her perfect bud and she’s trembling.

 

He holds her up with his left arm, keeping her close to him, with no space between his hard chest and the elegant curve of her back. He keeps kissing along her neck, and then his breath is ghosting in her ear, “I’m going to make such sweet love to you, I’m going to fill you up and make you gasp my name in pleasure. I’m going to make you mine. Will you be mine, Rey?” He flicks his tongue out along the shell of her ear as she nods frantically. “Yes Ben, please, please.” She’s almost begging.

 

He draws his hands from her body and goes down on his knees in front of her. He removes her boots one at a time then peels her leggings and panties off. She’s standing in front of him, naked, with him still on his knees, looking up into her wide, lovely eyes. He just looks at her for a long moment, not quite believing that he’s here. After a year of furious longing and desperate hope he’s here, on his knees in front of his incandescent _Rey_.  He bends forward and leaves a single heated kiss on her mons, wanting so badly to taste. She gasps and he can feel her desire swirling across the Bond. It tickles along his spine and curls within him deliciously. He lifts one of her legs and puts it over his shoulder, opening her to him. She’s so beautiful. She grasps his shoulders, gently encouraging him forward. He buries his face in her delectable heat, needing to feel her with his mouth. He inhales deeply; the scent of her desire so intoxicating.

 

He thrusts his tongue up into her, imagining how it will feel when it’s his cock. Oh _Force_ , she tastes like honey and sun and he knows he will never get enough. He’s lapping at her core, her clit so hard against his tongue as he rolls it slowly. She’s tangling her fingers in his hair, pulling him closer as she wantonly presses her hips into his face, needing more. He takes her bud between his lips and _sucks_ as he curls his fingers deeply within her. She moans, then, the sound of her desire stoking his want for her. He needs her, so badly. She’s gasping and breathing out his name and he feels that she can barely hold herself up. He knows it’s time. Swiftly he stands, picking her up in his arms, and the sudden shift leaves her bleary. He pauses then, just holding her in his arms, as if she were his bride. An entire life spins out in front of him; he can see forever so clearly in her eyes.  He can’t believe he’s here with her, about to join with her in this way.

 

He whispers, “You are everything to me, you understand? Everything. Love is not nearly large enough a word to encompass what I feel for you. I could spend every day for the rest of my life trying to show you what you mean to me and I would fail.”

 

Her eyes are wide and oh so open and she reaches out and traces his jaw with her delicate fingers. “I feel it. I feel it in your hands and your lips. I feel it when you hold me. I feel it,” she says.

 

He lays her on the bed then and quickly removes the rest of his clothing. He stretches out above her, pulling her close and kissing her deeply. He feels how her need is making her tremble and it’s all he can do to keep from thrusting himself into her with one sure motion. But he knows this may hurt, and wants to go as slowly as he can. He’s so close to her now. His cock is twitching, as if instinctively seeking her heat. He looks deep into her eyes and is struck by how perfect this is, how this is what he’d been seeking. This incomparable woman with her fierce loyalty and her aching vulnerability. He stills, drinking her in, feeling the heaviness in the air and the tremulous perfection of his Rey. He holds himself just outside her, pushing against her folds, but he needs to hear that he is welcome. He needs to know that she is giving herself to him; that he’s not taking. He holds her fathomless hazel eyes in his and says, “Let me in, Rey, oh please, please _let me in_.”

 

She wraps her legs around him, pulling him closer. Caught in his dark eyes, she breathes out, “Yes …”

 

He enters her so gently, feeling every inch of her as he pushes _home_. He sees a moment of discomfort flit across her face, feels as she stretches to accommodate him for the first time. Her face softens again and there is heat in her eyes. Soon he’s buried deep within her and he can feel her pulse. He holds himself there, wanting to just feel, experience, _know_ his glorious girl in this, the most intimate of ways. Months and months of inexhaustible need, desperate desire, all of his wishing and dreaming and he’s finally _here_. She feels _incredible_. She reaches up and trails her fingers along his face and sighs, “Oh Ben, it’s like the Bond, it feels like the Bond,” as she rolls her hips in order to better feel him inside of her. He’s filled with awe as he feels her heart begin to beat with his.

 

Slowly, he begins to move. Feeling her this way, it’s making his emotions go haywire. This, this is what he was built for. This is where he was meant to be. He’s nearly overcome with the totality of being one with her like this and he feels a fluttering across the Bond. His eyes have never left hers and he senses no distress. “Let me in, Ben,” she whispers, and he opens himself to her fully, giving himself to her the way she is giving herself to him. He feels her fill him with her radiant light and then she finds it. This is the place in him that no one has ever touched; that last scrap of himself he guards so closely. This is his sanity; the source of his strength and his pain. _His light_. He feels when she touches it, frees him, _sees_ him. She’s basking in _his_ light and he feels his eyes fill with tears.

 

She’s taking him apart and making him anew. She’s inside his soul while he’s inside her body and it’s a closeness he would never have even dared to imagine. He feels what she’s feeling as he moves within her. He knows what it’s like to be filled and she knows what it’s like to fill and they’re both nearly overwhelmed with the depth of pure love coursing through them. His eyes stay on hers as they build a gentle rhythm. The feeling of thrusting into her, he hadn’t known – _Force_ , he hadn’t known it could be like this! Her warm, tight heat, caressing his length … he’s becoming incoherent with the bliss of being buried within his love. He feels her arms along his back, pulling him closer, her legs pulling him deeper. It’s as if she’s trying to bring all of him inside of her. He wants to push all the way in and never leave again.

 

He knew this would be sacred, but no, this is _holy_. He feels her walls flutter against him and heat curl in his center as he moves within her. He senses through the Bond that a delicious ache is forming in her depths and he shifts just slightly, the head of his cock brushing against that special spot and she digs her fingers into his back and cries, “Ben – _Maker_ , Ben. Just like that, oh _Force_ , just like that.” She’s whimpering now, thrusting her hips in time with him. He keeps himself angled just so, and reaches between them to roll her perfect bud between his strong fingers. He strokes into her as he firmly rubs her; he wants so badly to feel her shatter around him. For him.

 

His pace is growing erratic and he can feel her, _feel_ her coming undone around him. The sensation of her warmth around him and her love inside of him starts him moaning incoherently. Suddenly she shouts out and grabs his face, her eye contact incredibly intense and he _feels_ the moment her orgasm breaks. She keens. Waves of her wash over him and he feels her climax move through him and he’s right behind her. He pushes deeply into her one last time  and gasps out, “Rey!” as he comes spectacularly; undulating bliss suffusing him, filling her with his pleasure. He’s gasping and panting and their eyes are locked, hearts beating as one.

 

Slowly they come back into themselves, and she blinks up at him. He kisses both cheeks and then her perfect, pink mouth and leans his forehead against hers, still deep within her. “Rey …” he sighs.

 

He doesn’t know how to tell her that he feels like he’s never done that before, that this has somehow made him clean again. He doesn’t know how to tell her that being with her, like this … it has changed him profoundly. He doesn’t want to withdraw; he wants to stay inside her forever but he’s worried he’ll crush her.

 

“No Ben, you won’t crush me. Stay. Stay just like this. I never want you to leave.” He’s holding himself on his elbows, his face inches from hers.

 

She’s looking at him in wonder and says, “Will it always be like that?”

 

“I don’t know. I think we’re creating something new. I knew it would be different, but oh, Rey … I don’t have the words… I just … I love you, Rey. I love you.”

 

She smiles then – a small, secret, deeply feminine smile. Like she’s unlocked some cosmic mystery. She strokes his back and trails her fingers along his jaw. Her eyes glow. She glows.

 

“And I love you,” she says.

 

“I’ve waited my whole life for you. I didn’t know, but I know now that I’ve always been yours. Before you were even born, I was yours.” Ben gently nips at her fingers.

 

She sighs, completely sated. She wraps him in her arms and pulls him close, resting his head next to hers, settling his body over hers. He closes his eyes and, still connected, they _drift_.

 

\---

 

In the middle of the night he wakes, having slipped from her. She’s deeply asleep and he watches for what could have been minutes or hours. He can’t quite believe this has really happened. He didn’t think it was possible for him to love her more, but somehow, it’s as if she’s become his very soul. He knows then that he would die without her. He had been so worried for her and her emotional needs that it never occurred to him that he would be the one for whom everything would change. He’d never known anything could be like that. That he could give everything of himself and have it be accepted and returned tenfold. She’s in so deep now, he could never dislodge her even if he wanted to.

 

He shifts to the side, pulling her back to his chest, holding her in that perfect spot, just so, where she fits so nicely. She stays sleeping but murmurs a bit. He stays like that for a long time, simply feeling how everything is different now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my tremendous beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. Her constant mantra of 'trust yourself' keeps me focused and this story would not be possible without her. Everyone should read her stuff, she's very talented.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, for being willing to critique my lemons. That's a dedicated husband folks!
> 
> And, of course, thank you to everyone reading, leaving kudos, and commenting. I love interacting with you in the comments and on tumblr (perrydowning). You've all helped craft this story and I'm so grateful.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed that massive fluffball of a lemon!


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vulnerable Space Cupcake just needs his Space Queen. Quiet forest walks and Space Empress, mother to us all, has an idea. Oh and hey Chewie (Space Carpet?), wassup?

It’s morning and she’s woken first, gently coaxing him awake with kisses and soothing strokes. “Ben, love, it’s time to wake up.” He slowly opens his eyes and sees her impossibly beautiful smile and can’t help but grin at her. “Good morning,” she says.

 

“A very good morning indeed.” He’s still smiling. He reaches out and moves a stray tendril of hair behind her ear, letting his fingers trail along her cheek.

 

“Thank you. Last night was … it was perfect.” She looks so happy.

 

“So … you’re alright?” His smile falters. What if she’s feeling badly – oh stars, what if he’s made her feel like he did all those years ago? He starts to panic, desperate to know that she’s alright. It all must have shown on his face or he’s broadcasting wildly because her face changes in an instant and she’s holding his face in her hands.

 

“Ben, you could never make me feel like that. Never. I told you, you don’t have it in you. Last night was everything I ever wanted for my first time; everything I wish I could have given you.”

 

“In a way, you did.”

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

“Last night … it changed me, freed me somehow. I feel like … I feel like it was my first time, too.” How to explain that he finally feels like he’s his own person? That he’s retaken something essential?

 

“Want to go for our _second_ time, then?” She smiles mischievously.

 

“Oh is _that_ why you woke me up?”

 

“Perhaps.” She’s smiling that secret smile. She’s pulling him to her and her hands are moving along his stomach. He’s wondering if he’s created a monster …

 

\---

 

They miss breakfast.

 

\---

 

They’re in his room, getting ready, and he says, “Let me come with you for your first walk. We know he’ll only be watching until your pattern is established.”

 

“I don’t know if that’s a very good idea.”

 

“Please? I … I don’t want to be away from you, yet.” After what they’ve shared he can’t let her go. He just can’t.

 

She stops putting up her hair and looks at him for a long time.

 

“What?” he asks.

 

“I’m not going anywhere. You do know that, don’t you?”

 

“I know, I do … I just …” How to explain that he’s feeling fragile and new and she’s the only thing that makes him feel _whole_?

 

She walks to him and puts her hand on his face and he closes his eyes, just feeling her.

 

“Alright, Ben. But it won’t work if you keep coming with me. This can be the only time.” He knows, of course he knows, he just … he just can’t be away from her yet.

 

“Thank you,” he whispers, placing his hand over hers.

 

\---

 

They’re walking through the forest. He has her tucked next to him with her hand over his arm and he finally asks something he’s been wondering about for a long time.

 

“Why have you never asked about … my father?” He feels her hand tighten on his arm.

 

“I know how much you regret it; how sorry you are. I know you’d give anything to have him back.”

 

“But, how?”

 

“The Bond, before you realized I was there. When you were talking with your grandfather. I saw, I heard, I _felt_.”

 

He’d known she’d felt his anguish from that night, but not that she’d been there, with him. He suddenly stops and asks, “What else did you see?” He’s not upset, exactly – he just needs to know. He realizes, then, how deeply unsettling it is to not know what someone has … taken.

 

She sighs. “I am sorry for it. I was just so confused at first. There were these things that hadn’t quite made sense for a while and then when I had that dream, where you saved me from Poln … I think I must have put it together right around when you got to Jakku. Otherwise you would have noticed. You were very focused on finding … me, I guess.” She’s looking sad.

 

“What else?” He prompts.

 

“I didn’t really know what I was doing, or what the Bond was. I was afraid to ask Luke; talking about you was so difficult for him. So I just started … peeking, I guess. I started to realize what it felt like when you were there and would keep myself from thinking about it. But when you would get upset I would feel it. It was a little like how it is now, when we’re working with the Bond. Sometimes I thought I might be feeling your heartbeat. I knew you were on Jakku – _Force,_ did that confuse me. I was only really with you a handful of times. Your grandfather … once on your shuttle. Poln. There was a moment on Coruscant, too. But I didn’t know where you were. Mostly, though, when you were trying so desperately to stay out of my head. I could feel how you _struggled_ ; how you _fought_. That’s why I came to you in that dream.”

 

Oh, that beautiful dream. He should have known then, when she’d been so angry and hurt but he couldn’t imagine that she’d actually let him hold her like that … so of course it had to be a dream. He’s still not entirely sure why she let him pull her to him like that.

 

“So I never asked about … Han, because I know. Because I felt it, your anguish. I know you Ben, I don’t need to ask. I still miss him … most of the time I just choose not to think about it.” He can see the pain on her face. That she’s still conflicted about who he was and who he’s becoming.

 

She’s still close to him, her hand curled around his wrist. He turns her and pulls her into his arms, resting his cheek on top of her head.

 

“You know then that I regret … my father most of all. Even more than what I did to you.”

 

“I do. I do.”

 

“Rey?” His voice is small.

 

“Yes?”

 

“How will I ever learn to live with that?” So many of his fractured pieces are healing, and he’s no longer furiously cutting himself on their sharp, broken edges. But this … He does not know what to do with it. He misses his father so much … _so much_. Needs him now in a way he never did before, now that he knows what it’s like to love the way his father had loved his mother. And he knows he broke that, too. What happened with him was that one step too far; the thing that was finally too much for their fierce devotion. His father had never been able to stay put, not really. But he had, for her. For them.

 

“The same way your mother is. The way that Luke is. You have to accept that his death is what freed you. It wasn’t me. You must know that. Your father sacrificed himself to _save_ you, and he did.”

 

He can’t speak. The idea is too overwhelming. He looks up at the forest canopy and his throat is so tight and his eyes are burning but he doesn’t deserve the cleansing comfort of tears, of her holding him while he cries out his guilt and pain. He breathes deeply until he thinks he can speak again. She strokes his back and holds on tightly.

 

“I … do you really believe that? That it was what … what I did that made me change?”

 

“Oh, Ben. It didn’t change you. It made you start finding who you really are. I won’t deny that having somewhere safe to hide had to have helped, but yes, I do believe that what happened, what … you did … I think it ripped you wide open.” He remembers how he’d known as soon as his father’s hand had left his face that there was nothing, nothing in all the galaxy he could do to rid himself of the Light inside him. He sees so clearly how he’d been throwing himself, relentlessly, into the Dark because there was no other choice he could perceive. He’d thought he’d closed the door on the Light forever. And suddenly, there she was. His salvation. He doesn’t agree with her, he _knows_ that _she_ saved him. But maybe his father’s … sacrifice is what opened his eyes.

 

“Ben, please look at me.” He moves slightly, keeping her as close as he can and still be able to see her face. “Ask yourself this. If your father hadn’t died that day, would you have been so desperate to hide in me?”

 

He thinks about this, deeply. And he realizes that she’s right. He would still be with Snoke, still pushing himself towards the Dark, if his father hadn’t risked everything to bring him home. When he’d pulled his saber from his father’s body, watched as his lifeless corpse fell from that horrible, nightmare bridge … he’d known that Snoke was _wrong_. Wrong to have demanded this of him. Wrong about everything. It had taken him almost a year to act, but _that_ was the moment that Snoke had lost him.

 

“I miss him. Every day I want to talk to him. I want to ask him so many things … Some days I can’t even believe that I did that. I, me … _I killed my own father_ , Rey.” He says this helplessly. She keeps looking up at him, _seeing_ him. He looks down at the forest floor. He can’t quite face her open acceptance. But he thinks that maybe … someday.

 

He steps back from her, tucking her hand back into the crook of his arm, and turns them to continue on the path.

 

“We should keep walking,” he says.

 

\---

 

They’re almost back to the base when he feels it – _him_ , Snoke. Blindly, he reaches through the Bond and Rey is in front of him in an instant.

 

“Snoke, is it Snoke?”

 

“Yes, he’s trying to stay … neutral. I think he’s investigating,” Ben says through clenched teeth, focusing on keeping his mind clear.

 

“Well he’s not getting anything,” Rey says determinedly.

 

They touch palms and quickly slip into the trance. Snoke is like so much mist as they blow him away. Ben feels his fury; his confusion. Snoke doesn’t understand. And almost as quickly as it began, he’s gone.

 

Ben is breathing heavily, but other than that he’s fine. His head doesn’t even hurt. The Bond has grown so strong with their training. He wonders If recent … events might have strengthened it further still.

 

“I wonder … in time do you think we could just keep him out at all times?”

 

“I don’t know. I think it helps that you don’t guard the Bond the way you used to. You let more through, now.”  He doesn’t say anything further. He’ll never press her on the Bond.

 

“Are you alright?” she says worriedly.

 

“Oddly, I feel fine. It was nothing like the other times. I think he’s very confused. He’s not used to anyone pushing back. Being able to push back.”

 

“Well, someday we’ll push back right through his chest,” she growls.

 

“That’s my girl,” he says as he pulls her to him, smiling. Snoke doesn’t feel quite so terrifying, now.

 

\---

 

Rey is training with Luke and he’s in yet another interminable meeting. The Resistance is ramping up, hoping to use his intelligence and Snoke’s attacks to finally find where Snoke is hiding. It’s been several years since Ben has actually been in Snoke’s physical presence, and he’s certain his information is now hopelessly out of date. It’s taken time to marshal the resources. He’s having trouble focusing and finally it’s over.

 

“Ben?” Leia asks. “Would you come with me to my office? There’s something I’d like to discuss with you.”

 

For one horrible moment he’s afraid she _knows_ and wants to make sure he was gentle with Rey. He really hopes that’s not it.

 

He follows her to her office and she gestures to a chair. They both sit and she says, “I’d like to talk with you about the Force Bond. Specifically if you think we can use it offensively.”

 

He sits up straight at this. He’d never considered it that way. Leave it to the General to leave no resource untapped. At least he won’t have to live through another one of _those_ conversations.

 

“What do you have in mind?”

 

“Well … since _Starkiller,_ the Resistance has only grown. Showing the galaxy that it’s possible to truly fight the First Order has changed things significantly. You’ve been here long enough that I feel I can trust you with this.”

 

“Stop, Mother, no. Don’t tell me anything that Snoke could use. It’s too great a risk. He made another attempt this morning. We fended him off easily, I’m fine. But I still don’t think it’s worth taking that chance.”

 

She considers for a long while and finally nods.

 

“Alright, you may have a point. For now. But the Bond … do you think you and Rey could direct it _back_ at Snoke? Use it to find him?”

 

He finds he likes this idea very much. The further away he is from Snoke, the more he wants to be the one to watch the light leave his already dead eyes. He knows he’s the one who made awful choices but he’s beginning to see that he really had been just a boy when he’d been trapped.

 

“I’m not sure, but I think it’s absolutely something worth investigating.”

 

“I wanted to bring it up with you first, before talking with Luke, because you deserve to get to choose.” His mother always did see right through him.

 

“Thank you, Mother. Speak with him. We generally train … after Rey’s walk.” He’s still very uncomfortable with this plan his love has concocted.

 

\---

 

He’s walking back from his mother’s office when Chewie falls into step beside him. He’s so shocked that he just stops and stares at the massive wookiee.

 

< _I wish to speak with you_ ,> Chewie growls.

 

“I, yes, anything.”

 

< _Your Bond with Sunshine. You can keep her safe?_ >

 

Ben looks away and says, “I honestly don’t know. She thinks I can.”

 

< _Your father would never have allowed this to happen with your mother._ >

 

Ben feels the accusation and hurt under his gruff howls.

 

“I think he’d be about as successful at stopping Mother as I have been at stopping Rey.”

 

Chewie just looks at him and then nods slightly. He thinks he sees a ghost of the Chewie he knew as a boy.

 

< _Sunshine is very special. If she won’t be stopped, then I will help. You will include me in your group_. >

 

“Do you really think you can work with me, go into battle with me?”

 

< _Sunshine is very special._ > And with that, Chewie strides away.

  
Ben remembers when he was small and Chewie would let him hang off his back, holding onto great clumps of his silky hair. Sometimes he’d even let Ben pretend that he was a pilot and Chewie the ship as they zoomed around the _Falcon_. He remembers how it was Chewie who held on to him longest when it was time for him to leave for the Academy. He remembers how it was Chewie who knew just when to swoop in and carry him off when his parents’ fighting got to be too much for him. He remembers how much Chewie had loved him and he wonders if he ever will again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Space Beta, the bestest Meaghan M/Juulna. Above and beyond folks. She listened to me ramble for nearly an hour about what's happening next. Best cheerleader ever.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who is feeling quite under the weather but still patiently listened to me.
> 
> Thank you readers, givers of kudos, commenters, and new tumblr friends! It's marvelous interacting with you all and I thank you for your time. That you come read my story fills me with joy.
> 
> Come say hi on tumblr, perrydowning.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Lemon Train keeps on chugging, Space Hippie helps our Space Pastries work with the Bond, and the Interloper lurks. How will our Space Queen's walk go today?
> 
> Also, I posted a one-shot over the weekend. "It's Not Time, Yet" In which Space Empress wants to make sure there aren’t any unplanned Space Muffins so she sits down Space Queen for The Talk. Leia's POV.

He’s deep inside her and thrusting hard. She has her small hands splayed on his chest and he’s incoherent with lust. He will never get enough of this; of her. He’s on his knees, holding one of her legs up by the ankle, giving him the most delicious angle. He can see all of her – those perfect, beautiful breasts that look so enticing bouncing like that; her glorious bare skin. All of her, laid out for him. He can see where he enters her and it heats his blood and makes his mouth water to taste that perfect pink bud. He pulls out almost entirely then plunges back in, reveling in how they fit together. Her head is thrown back and she’s moaning and thrusting her hips in time with his. He reaches down and swirls her clit with his clever fingers and her eyes fly open as she calls out his name. His name, falling from her lips like this … it runs up and down his spine and he knows he is hers.

 

He feels her start to clench around him and he knows it’s time. This – this is his favorite part. Knowing that _he_ does this, that _only he_ has done this, that he hopes only he will _ever_ do this, for her, with her … it fills him with a deep masculine satisfaction he’s never known before. “Yes, that’s it my perfect girl, come for me, oh please. _Let me feel you_.” She’s whimpering and seeks his eyes just as her orgasm moves through her. She has him pinned with her gaze, holding him as he feels her pleasure pulse against his aching cock. Her eyes go wide as he plunges deeply into her; she’s riding one last crest. He slows for a moment, letting her catch her breath.

 

She smiles that smile that undoes him completely and he can’t help himself – he’s pushing into her again, hard and fast. “Oh Rey, beautiful Rey,” he croons. He feels his own release building, coiling in his belly, filling him with heat. She’s always so tight after she comes; it’s indescribable what this does to him. He thrusts one, two, three more times and he’s gone, looking deeply into her eyes. He always needs her eyes as he fills her with his pleasure. He shifts and lays over her, going down on his elbows so his face is inches from hers and kisses her passionately, still buried deep within her. This is how they spend much of their time now, his desperate need for her only having grown since she let him in. And she seems to need him just as much. Pulling him down to the bed just as often as he lays her back. He’s a different sort of creature of the dark now, detesting the days because they pull him from tangling, naked, with his Rey.

 

He’s kissing her thoroughly, kissing down her face and tasting the salt of sweat on her skin. He wants it all; every taste, every touch, every single sound he can coax from her perfect throat.

 

“Ben,” she sighs. She’s got that sleepy, sated look he adores. She’s warm and soft and feels like perfection in his arms.  He shifts and pulls from her. She makes a sad little noise of loss when he slips from her.

 

“I hate it when you leave. I just want you in me all the time.”

 

He pulls her to him and turns them on their sides, her back to his chest. “I hate it, too. You must know I spend every minute of every day with only one thought in my mind.”

 

She looks over her shoulder and playfully says, “And what is that?”

 

“How much longer until I can be in you again?” She giggles and pushes back into him, nestling closer. She just keeps making him happier and happier and he can’t believe this is really happening to him.

 

\---

 

They oversleep and Ben is grouchy. He _wants_ her but there’s no time. Today it will have been two weeks since she first started walking in the forest in the mornings. Just over two weeks since they became one, he thinks with awe. He’s fairly certain something will go horribly wrong and he’ll lose her, but he’s determined to have this time with her, to ignore those bleak thoughts. She’s standing, still naked, looking for her clothes, when he moves in front of her, pressing their bare flesh together. He kisses her deeply and delves his slender, strong fingers deep into her. She’s so wet. Always so wet for him. He starts to stroke her center while pressing into her mouth with his tongue. He swallows her moans and feeble protests that there’s no time, keeping an insistent rhythm. If he can’t have her properly, at least she’ll leave his room thoroughly seen to.

 

She starts to tremble and his fingers are relentless. He feels her knees start to buckle and he grabs her firmly about the waist, holding her up with his strong arm and terribly talented fingers. She’s begun to gasp and beg and he grins wickedly into her mouth. Her clit is so hard and he knows she’s close. He feels her breathing change and she’s growling low in her throat. Soon he feels her start to buck against his hand and she grabs his face, forcing him to look at her, into her. “Ben, oh _Maker_ , I’m coming, I’m coming, oh _stars_ ,” and then she’s crying out and her words degenerate into breathy moans of, “Yes, Ben, yes.” Finally she stills against his hand and he knows that should hold her until the afternoon when they can slip away together to ‘debrief’ after her walk.

 

\---

 

Ben is torn about these walks. He’s always very aware of her, waiting with Chewie, Finn, Poe, and a handful of carefully selected Resistance soldiers. Rey’s droids are wandering around, as if they’re waiting, too. He listens closely. He loves the permission to be in her head again. It feels like coming home and it is difficult not to _drift_. But that is not why he’s here; that is not the purpose. She’s walking her usual path, into the forest and then off into a remote area. The hope is that if she seems vulnerable enough, _he’ll_ feel safe enough to move. Today there is something in the air and Ben is incredibly nervous. He’s sitting in their command post, where they usually just wait. Everyone is staring at Ben, waiting for some kind of sign that it’s time to move. But so far, nothing has happened. Two weeks, not even a hint of the Interloper. She walks for an hour and then returns. There have been no signs of Sto-Kah. It’s driving them all slightly mad and Ben even more so.

 

“Ben?” floats over the Bond. He’s instantly alert.

 

“Yes?”

 

“I sense something. I think he’s been here recently.”

 

“Maybe he’s watching.”

 

“Maybe – I don’t know.”

 

“Come back, I don’t like this.”

 

“No, Ben. The point is for him to show himself. I have to keep going.”

 

Ben remembers last night and prays he’s not about to lose her. He knows he might as well have his own heart wandering the forest. This is a level of vulnerability he was not prepared for. She keeps walking.

 

“Solo?” Poe asks. “Everything alright, you look ten-”

 

“Shhhhh!” Ben furiously shuts down the Pilot. Poe backs off and they all continue to wait. Chewie has moved closer to the door, ready to move on Ben’s say-so. The energy is taught and expectant.

 

“He’s close. I can feel him now.”

 

“That’s it – I’m coming. _Now_.”

 

“No! You’ll just scare him off and then I’ll never find him!”

 

Ben clenches the armrest of his chair but he doesn’t move them out. He hates this – Force, he _hates_ this. His precious girl is out there alone and vulnerable while he’s sitting in a quiet room with a bunch of people who despise him. He wants to be out there, his saber extended – preferably into the Interloper’s chest.

 

She’s about to make her last circuit, her route carefully selected to make sure she is never too far from Ben and his team.

 

“I think he’s moving away.” She’s still walking as if there’s nothing wrong. She stops and picks up a small pebble and smiles as she puts it in her pack. She’s always collecting the strangest things.

 

Ben relaxes, hoping the danger has passed. He knows that it’s coming, that there will be several horribly long minutes when Sto-Kah has her and all she’ll have is her wits and her lightsaber and it makes him feel more powerless than he’s ever felt about anything. He knows he has to trust her to keep herself safe until they can get there, he knows she needs to be why they catch the Interloper. But he can’t help the paralyzed feeling deep in his gut. He wishes there was another way … _any_ other way. He wishes she would _let_ there be another way.

 

She’s almost back and he starts to breathe easier.

 

“She’s alright then?” says Finn. Finn rarely addresses him; this must worry him, too. Ben has grown a grudging respect for the Traitor. He’s been … considerate, and Ben knows he never could have been so gracious if their positions were reversed. The thought makes him angry. As if _that_ would ever happen.

 

“Yes, he was there but kept his distance.”

 

“Finally,” says Poe. Finn looks as conflicted as Ben feels.

 

She pushes through the door and she looks disappointed. “I really thought today might have been it. Why won’t he just do _something_?”

 

“His caution is why he’s managed to act as he has for so long. We mustn’t underestimate him,” Ben says.

 

“I know, I know … I just want this over. He’s a dark cloud over everything and I want to focus on _Snoke_.” She says that with particular hatred. The more he shares with his Rey of what his life had been, the more righteous her fury has grown. He thinks she might want Snoke dead more than he does, now.

 

\---

 

They’re walking to the meditation field, on their way to work with Luke on how to use the Bond to find Snoke. She’s tense and jumpy. He knows she’s frustrated that they don’t have Sto-Kah yet. He’s frustrated, too. He just wants her _safe_.

 

Luke is waiting for them, looking very much the serene Jedi Master in his long brown robes.

 

“Ben, Rey. Shall we get started?”

 

“Fine,” mutters Rey. This has not been going well, either, and her frustration is showing.

 

Luke looks up at her and says, “Rey, is something bothering you?”

 

“Just everything,” she says, sounding like a petulant adolescent.

 

Luke raises an eyebrow and says, “Still no progress with finding Sto-Kah then, I take it?”

 

“No! And I can’t take it any longer. Knowing he’s out there, plotting, thinking, _fantasizing_ about me. It makes me feel dirty, used. What sort of sick things does he think about me?” She looks over at Ben then looks away quickly.

 

This brings Ben up short. He hadn’t even considered that. And he hates the Interloper even more. His darling girl is not to feel dirty, ever. She is everything bright and precious to him and he wants to _end_ Sto-Kah.

 

“It does nothing but bring you pain and anxiety to think on such things. You cannot focus on that which you have no control. You are giving him too much power, Rey,” Luke says.

 

Ben stays silent, knowing that on this topic his own blazing feelings of rage, inadequacy, and terror only add fuel to Rey’s fire.

 

Rey sighs and says, “I know I am, I know … it’s just … I’m tired of being spied on.” Luke’s eyes flick to Ben’s for only a moment, but it’s long enough and Ben is alerted to the situation brewing.

 

Quickly, Ben draws Rey aside. “Do we need to talk?”

 

“No … I know it’s not the same, and I’ve already forgiven you. It’s just … difficult to process sometimes.”

 

Ben is torn. He thinks perhaps he should take Rey back to his room so that they can talk this through. He knows she still has scars from what he did; how he violated her privacy. He still can’t quite reconcile who he’s becoming and what he was. Crossing that line, taking from Rey. It’s unthinkable to him now. He dislikes that she compares him to Sto-Kah but he cannot deny the essential truth of the parallels.

 

Luke comes over to where they’ve removed themselves and says, “Do you need to focus on … other things this afternoon? This won’t work if either of you are distracted.”

 

Rey looks up and it’s like watching the waves roll back as her frustration and anxiety recede. “No, I want to find Snoke. He’s much more important.” Sto-Kah is simply an irritant.

 

Rey is more centered now. It brings Ben peace, and the roiling frustration and bitter powerlessness have abated.

 

Luke gestures for them to return.

 

They walk back to the circle and Ben and Rey take their usual position, facing each other, palms together.

 

“Now, we haven’t had much success turning the Bond outward and I think that’s because we’ve started too large, trying to find Snoke first. Today I’d like you to just focus on finding me. I’m going to leave you here and go somewhere on the Base. I want you to try and find me with the Bond. I’ll cloak my Force-signature. And please, don’t let me know you’re there the way Snoke does.” He’s smiling. “Give me 10 minutes, then begin.”

 

Luke walks away, leaving them alone, sitting with hands clasped.

 

Rey lifts her eyebrows and says, “Hmm … 10 minutes, huh? That sounds like just enough time to me.” She punctuates it with a terribly naughty laugh and his body responds immediately.

 

“Rey!” He’s shocked – and aroused – by her bold suggestion.

 

“What, afraid we’ll get caught? That’ll just heighten the … tension.” Yes, he’s definitely created a monster.

 

He just gapes at her. Finally she laughs and says, “Oh Ben, you should see your face! I’m kidding. Mostly.” He’s both relieved and a little disappointed. He can’t help himself; he pulls her to him so she’s straddling his lap and he starts kissing her furiously.

 

She feels his hardness and pulls back and says, “Not quite so opposed, then?”

 

“I will admit the idea has … merit, but I need far more than 10 minutes, thank you very much.” He starts to kiss her again and they lose themselves in tongues and heat.

 

\---

 

It’s time to focus on finding Luke. They enter their Bond trance and, instead of focusing on each other, they open themselves to the whole base. At first it’s overwhelming, so many life-forms all at once. But then they start to perceive the texture of the Force and they begin to sift. At first they think he’s in the forest, but the whisper they feel disappears quickly. They finally find him with the X-Wings and reach out together to nudge him gently before withdrawing.

 

“That was interesting,” Rey says.

 

“Yes, the way we were able to focus our intent together without having to communicate with words. I just thought it, and it was like …”

 

“I thought it, too?” Rey says.

 

“Yes, something like that.”

 

Rey frowns and says, “Do you think that was Sto-Kah in the forest, when we thought it was Luke?”

 

This brings Ben up short. Of course, why not use the Bond to find the Interloper? “I don’t know, but we absolutely need to explore this.”

 

“What do you think it means that he just disappeared like that?” Rey asks.

 

“Force-sensitivity … if … oh stars. That’s how he’s been doing it! That’s why I didn’t sense him. He’s hiding himself with the Force! That has to be why we never found him. Luke thought maybe, but I dismissed it. It’s so rare now, the chances of there being another Force-user … Rey, you have to stop these walks.” His mind is racing, making connection after connection. How Sto-Kah was able to destroy the droids with no one seeing, how he’s eluding them at every turn. How he himself had fallen so quickly that night in the rain. Sto-Kah had to be a powerful Force-user. It made so much sense. He thinks of his rare failed hunts and his concern doubles.

 

“Why?! You say I’m stronger than you!”

 

“Yes, but you’re barely trained. There’s so much you don’t know. And if he’s good enough to hide from the Bond … Rey, this is madness. I never felt him coming when he attacked me. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.”

 

“We weren’t even trying to find him and we still sensed him. He can’t be very trained himself.”

 

“Or he’s just that powerful that he sensed us looking and shut us out. We were looking for Luke specifically, knowing he’d be cloaked. But somehow Sto-Kah sensed our presence when we weren’t even looking for him. I’m sure if we focus on finding him we’ll be able to, just like we did with Luke.” Ben knows, in his bones, that continuing her walks is an exceptionally bad idea. This changes _everything_.

 

“Listen, please, please listen. This isn’t about your pride. This man, he’s so much more dangerous than I thought. All this time I thought I was just too distraught that night, but he’s _hidden_ himself from me, from Luke! Don’t you understand?” Does she really not understand how much power it takes to hide from other Force-users? If he’s hidden from Snoke all these years ...

 

“It’s still a good plan and we keep doing it, I don’t ca-”

 

“Rey, Ben – is everything alright?” Luke has just arrived after their little game of hide and seek to find his apprentice and nephew nearly nose to nose and close to shouting.

 

“We’re fine,” Rey grinds out.

 

“No, we are not _fine_. I think Sto-Kah is Force-sensitive; powerfully so, and trained. We sensed him in the forest while looking for you but then he disappeared. I think he’s been cloaking himself in the Force. Rey’s walks have to stop and _she’s_ not being reasonable,” Ben says angrily.

 

“I see.” Luke looks like he’d prefer to go back to tinkering with the X-Wings.

 

“ _He’s_ the one who isn’t being reasonable. We finally made progress today but he’s so intent on keeping me _safe_ that it’s clouding his judgement. He’s not seeing things clearly,” Rey practically shouts.

 

“Children, please!” Luke calls out. This brings both of them up short. “Might we discuss the actual point at hand? Your success at finding me?”

 

“I suppose,” Ben says.

 

“Fine,” Rey bites out.

 

“Now, you found me very quickly. This is excellent news. I propose that tomorrow I fly out into the neighboring star-system and we’ll see how you do then. If we have any chance of finding Snoke you’re going to have to learn how to search the whole galaxy.”

 

“How is Snoke doing it? How can he find Ben’s mind but not Ben himself?” Rey asks.

 

“I don’t know, Rey. My best guess is that he’s able to reach directly for Ben’s consciousness without being able to perceive his Force signature. Who knows – during the time he was … manipulating Ben, he might have planted the seeds. Left himself a trail of breadcrumbs. I have no way of knowing. But this … this is different. We’re trying to use the immense power your Bond generates to find his actual location.”

 

Ben and Rey are still standing stiffly. Luke sighs and says, “Now, about Sto-Kah. Ben, I agree with you that he’s likely a fellow Force-sensitive. And it is troubling that neither you nor I have felt him. He’s been hiding it actively from me and my sister. I’m not going to wade into the issue of Rey’s daily walks, but I will say that I hope both of you think this through. Rey, you would no longer have the upper hand in any altercation. I know you were counting on the Force to give you the advantage, and this _does_ change things.”

 

Ben looks at Rey smugly. She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms in front of her chest.

 

“You both have some thinking to do. Get some rest; tomorrow will be much more difficult.” Luke turns and walks from the field, leaving a silently fuming Rey and a vindicated Ben.

 

As soon as Luke is out of earshot, Rey whirls on Ben.  “I’m going out to walk tomorrow!”

 

“No. I forbid it.”

 

“You _forbid_ it?” He may have miscalculated that a bit.

 

“I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, I think we have other options now. Could we please explore them?” Ben hopes he doesn’t make a complete mess of this like he’s managed to _every_ single time so far.

 

“Fine, but I’m still walking tomorrow.”

 

Ben considers this, looks at the set of her jaw, and then nods his head and says, “Okay, Rey. Okay.”

 

\---

 

He’s in her room, sitting on her bed while she’s gathering her things for the evening. She’s just finished checking on her little droids, making sure they’re comfortable for the night. He’s mulling that it really isn’t very practical for her to keep her things in her room when she’s with him every night. She’s coming out of the ‘fresher, her hair down around her shoulders. He loves it down, so that he can bury his face in her waves and tangle his hands in her tresses. He’s about to gather her to him when he notices a large round jar on her bedside table. There are a handful of small pebbles of different shapes and textures along the bottom of the short, clear container. He hasn’t noticed it before.

 

“What’s this?” he enquires. It’s where the box of _tokens_ used to be so he’s a little nervous.

 

“Oh, that …” She looks embarrassed.

 

“Rey?” Her reaction has his attention now.

 

“Well … it’s just that … well, I’m counting days.”

 

This concerns him. Why is she doing that? Is she feeling the emptiness of Jakku again? His heart sinks. He’s about to ask more when she stands in front of him.

 

She studies his face. "You don't understand," she says, looking away.

 

“I … no.” He’s very worried, in fact.

 

She looks back. “It’s like you said. I’m counting the days you love me.”

 

Oh. _Oh_. He can’t quite think over the brilliant joy that blossoms in his chest. He’s overwhelmed with the memory of being on his knees, almost in supplication to her aching loneliness. To think that now, she’s chosen to keep counting, but because she _knows_ he loves her. _Trusts_ that he loves her … How many ways will she find to steal his heart?

 

He takes her small hands in his, noticing the way her slender fingers fit so perfectly, tangled with his. He’d always found his hands to be ungainly; too large and somehow clumsy. But now, looking at the way they fit with hers, they seem made for holding her, touching her, keeping her close. These hands he’s hated so much. He can’t speak yet; he doesn’t have the words for the feelings coursing through him.

 

Finally, he looks into her eyes and says, “Thank you. Thank you for trusting me like this.”

 

She smiles then – a wide, beautiful smile that opens her up and floods the room with her Light. “I was worried you’d think it was silly.”

 

“Never, not ever. In fact I look forward to watching that jar fill. And then I shall just have to get you another, and another, because if I have anything to say about it, you will be putting a stone in a jar every day for the rest of your life. Even after I’m gone, because I will still love you.” He suddenly realizes what he’s said and looks at her nervously. He might as well have gone down on one knee and proposed, his dreams laid so bare. He’s told her he’ll always love her, but somehow this seems much more tangible and real.

 

Her eyes are very wide and her mouth is parted in surprise, but she doesn’t look upset or frightened by his declaration. He was expecting trepidation, but instead he finds a quiet sort of hope in her eyes.

 

“I love you, Ben.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All hail Empress Meaghan M/Juulna, the very best beta a girl could ask for. I can never say it enough folks, she's just a fabulous human being and I'm so grateful.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who is better now, for looking over my one-shot and continuing to accept a truly sub-standard wife while I write this mad little tale.
> 
> Thank you Jinga, who wrote me a limerick in the comments on chapter 25. I'm still giggling with glee.
> 
> And, as always and ever, thank you so much to everyone who is reading, giving kudos, commenting, saying hi on tumblr (perrydowning), just all of it. You guys are spectacular!


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ben Solo Pain Train continues, with a Lemon starter and then we return to our regular route. Space Cupcake reveals much about his time with Space Voldemort, can Space Queen accept him still?

She’s trailing her hand down his chest while she rides him. He knows he’ll never truly believe this is his life now. She’s grinding herself against the base of his cock and she’s whimpering. He reaches up and catches her glorious breasts in his hands, rolling her nipples between his long fingers. She gasps and pushes herself down onto him even harder. He’s as deep inside her as he can be, feeling her tightness around him. He feels cherished when he’s inside her; whole. He knows he’ll never tire of this sight; of Rey, abandoned to her passion. Wild and free, and so completely her. She’s rolling her hips in an absolutely delicious cadence and has him caught in her eyes.

No one would guess that she was new to this. She’s taken to joining with him like she has all else in her life: with a fierce determination to master it all. She wants to try _everything_. Some of her suggestions make him blush and he wonders what she’ll want to try next. Her time recovering in the comfort tent clearly left her with … ideas. She’s beginning to push her hips down with abandon, obviously close. He wants to come with her this time. He puts his hands on her thighs and slows her down and looks deep into her eyes. “Wait for me.” She shudders and bites her lip as she nods and slows her movements.

He feels how she envelops him, takes him in, makes him hers – always, always hers. He starts to thrust up into her, finding his rhythm. She’s so wet and he can’t wait until he can bury his face between those delectable thighs. “I can’t, I can’t hold on, can’t hold on,” she moans. He feels her walls begin to tighten around him and he thrusts up into her frantically. She’s grinding back down against him and they meet in the middle. He takes her face in his hand and moves her to look at him. He needs her eyes, needs the connection they bring. They remind him that he’s seen; that this is sacred. They keep the memories at bay. Her blazing hazel eyes keep him safe. He can give all of himself to her so long as he’s looking into her eyes and he knows who he is. He is Rey’s.

She’s calling out his name now and he knows it’s time. Soon that exquisite heat curls through him and it’s his turn to groan her name. She’s sped up so fast he can’t keep up so he lets her set the pace, just feeling her relentlessly ride him. His release is gathering and his balls feel so tight. She’s uninhibited, grinding and bucking and oh so exquisite in her ecstasy. Her eyes are sliding shut from the pleasure when he says, “Look at me.” Her eyes snap to his just as her orgasm takes hold and he’s right there with her. He’s panting and she’s incoherent. He’s chanting, “Rey, Rey, Rey,” and he can feel her come undone around his cock as he pumps up into her, his own orgasm shuddering along his spine.

She collapses against his chest and he wraps his arms round her. He’ll never, ever tire of falling apart with her, in her, around her. He tilts her face up to his and kisses her deeply. “Oh my love, my perfect, beautiful love,” he sighs. She smiles and nestles against his chest.

\---

Afterwards, they’re lying in his bed and he’s wondering if it isn’t really their bed, now. He’s tracing her back with his fingers and feeling her skin against his. They don’t spend much of their time alone together clothed, these days. He knows he has to talk to her about the Interloper. That she doesn’t understand the danger.

“Could we … could we talk about your walks and the likelihood that Sto-Kah is Force-sensitive? I looked up more information about him. He comes from the Outer Rim … His people might have escaped Order 66.”

She sighs. He can tell she doesn’t like this but he has to make her see.

“Alright Ben, talk.”

“The propaganda always said that Order 66 was successful at wiping out the Jedi. And it was – only that’s not all there is to it. The Jedi Order was destroyed, yes. But not all Force-sensitives were Jedi or Sith. Not all families were willing to relinquish their Force-sensitive children. Or sometimes they were just too far away. The Force doesn’t care if you lived in the Core systems or not. There have always been Force-users who shied away from the Jedi and the Sith. If there hadn’t been, Uncle Luke would never have found so many Force-sensitives for his Academy.”

There’s something else he doesn’t want to tell her. But if it helps her see, he must. “There were many years between the Temple and the rise of the First Order … when I was first training with Snoke, my duties were … I hunted down Force-sensitives and I eliminated … killed them. It was my primary function when I was a younger man.” There is heavy regret in his tone.

“Oh, Ben …”

“I may not have killed anyone that night at the Temple, but I still have the blood of children on my hands.”

She doesn’t say anything to that. He wonders if this will be too much for her.

“I would hunt the galaxy, following stories of Force-users and then when I found them … Only the strongest were … invited to join Snoke. The rest, I … I killed them. I promise it was always quick.”

He feels her body grow tense; she seems to be fighting the urge to pull from him. “Would you have killed me if you’d found me on Jakku?”

“No! Never – I know I could never have killed you. From the moment I saw you, I couldn’t hurt you. Not really … you know that.” He’s filled with such relief and gratitude to Luke. Luke was right to have hidden her from him. He knows he never could have kept her safe from Snoke when he was younger. The thought of it … he can’t let himself think of it.

“But you still killed innocent children.”

“I … yes. I did, yes. And many others besides. It was usually … families. It runs in families, you see.” He remembers how they would cling to each other, how he would go deep into the Dark, let it blanket his conscience, strangle his humanity. He remembers one family in particular, the mother was so fierce. She had a crude lightsaber and she fought like a wild thing. But he was stronger. That had been one of the worst; they’d had four children. He’s feeling like he’s going to be sick. He starts to breathe heavily and his heart beats furiously.

“I’m so sorry, Rey. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that I’m so selfish. I should have left you alone.” When he says things like this she’s usually quick to hold him close, soothe him, tell him he’s making things right now. But she is silent.

He tightens his arms around her and she doesn’t melt into him like she usually does. He looks at her face and finds it blank. He can’t tell what she’s thinking. He feels that the Bond is completely empty. She’s focusing on keeping him out. She doesn’t want him to know what she’s feeling. He finds he can’t blame her. But it still hurts and he misses her.

“What I’m trying to tell you is that it is completely within the realm of possibility that he comes from a family of Force-users. Snoke was obsessed with either controlling or killing all Force-users. You had two choices as a Force-sensitive after the Temple. You either ignored the Force as much as possible, hoping to go undiscovered, or you trained. You trained hard. You learned to hide; you learned to fight.”

He remembers the very few that got away. Many of the scars on his back were from those … failures. Snoke did not take disappointment well. Those that escaped were always fast, fierce, and exceptional. He remembers one woman who looked a bit like Rey. She’d fought; refused to yield her husband’s location. He’d lost his temper then, and killed her before he found the husband. He’d told Snoke that both were dead. It had been his first act of disobedience and he had been elated and terrified that he’d done it.

She’s still silent.

“I didn’t tell you this to unburden my soul … I need you to understand that if I never found him and he’s able to hide the way he does, from me, from Uncle Luke … He likely comes from a family that successfully evaded Snoke … evaded me. It means he’s powerful; he’s trained. You must see why your walks need to stop?”

She looks at him then and she finally lets her face show her feelings. He sees the horror in her eyes … he knows when she’d called him a monster she’d been right. He wonders if this is the moment when it all slips through his fingers and this fantasy he’s been spinning finally unravels.

She swallows. “We can talk about my walks in a bit, but I need … most of the time I know how to handle your past. I see how hard you labor to fix it, how you work towards undoing what you can. But … families, children? I don’t have a place for that Ben.”

She hasn’t pulled from him, for which he is pathetically grateful. He takes what little comfort he can from their bare skin still pressed together. She goes on. “I know you’ve done horrible things … but hearing about them. It’s … difficult. It makes me doubt.”

He feels so cold. Doubt? She doubts him? She must have felt it through the Bond because she says, “No, I don’t doubt you. I doubt me. I doubt that I can be strong enough; love you enough. I can forgive you for what you did to me. But it’s not my right to forgive you for … others. I’m afraid … afraid that someday I’ll learn something I can’t live with.”

His voice is very quiet when he says, “Can you live with what I just told you?”

“I don’t know, Ben. Children … children.” She looks away, obviously thinking.

He pulls from her then, turning over. He’s looking at the wall and feeling like he never should have come to her. That he’s only been fooling himself. How could she possibly live with everything he’s done when he can’t figure out how to live with it himself?

“Ben, please don’t pull away. Together, remember?”

“I remember,” he says, his voice far away, hollow. “But … you’re right. What I’ve done, how can I expect you to be with me when I’ve done such things?” He wraps his arms around himself and stares unseeingly at the wall.

“My love for you is not so fragile. Just … it’s so much to take in. I knew you’d killed. Of course I knew. But … I just … it’s hard not to scream at you sometimes. It’s hard not to pound you with my fists and ask how could you, how could you do that? How could my amazing, gentle, incredibly loving Ben do those things? How did that even happen?”

“I don’t know, I don’t even know myself, exactly.” He’s feeling very lost.

“Please try to explain it to me – please try.” She’s behind him now, wrapping her arms around him. It’s almost comical; he’s so much larger than she is, but she tries to wrap him up all the same.

He puts his hand over hers, pulling her arm tighter around him. He knows he shouldn’t, that he doesn’t deserve her comfort, but he can’t help himself. He needs her. He always needs her.

“I can’t, Rey. I don’t know how,” he whispers. “I know what happened, but I don’t understand it myself. It’s like … it’s like I went to sleep when I was 15 and woke up a year ago.”

“Then just try and tell me what happened to you. How that boy from the Temple became … what you became.”

He’s still for a long time. His voice is very quiet when he finally speaks, still facing the wall. “After … after the Temple and that awful night, I was so lost and afraid ... I wasn’t really functioning. Snoke began to punish me, have me beaten … whipped. Tell me that he’d made a mistake, that I was too weak, that he should send me back to my mother and let them execute me. He had me convinced that no one would believe me that I hadn’t hurt anyone … that night.”

He remembers how Snoke would have his men use the lash, saying that he wasn’t worth bothering with the Force. He would be beaten until he passed out, all the while Snoke telling him that he was useless, weak. A frightened little boy that no one wanted. Then Snoke would use the Force to heal him. He would come-to in the middle of the healing and Snoke was always regretful. He would ask him why he insisted on making him do this. That if he was only stronger then Snoke wouldn’t have to do this.

“I would beg him to train me, to show me how to be strong. He just refused, telling me that I wasn’t worth the effort. Somehow he became all that mattered. That if I could just learn to be strong then he would care; that he would be proud of me. That someone would be proud of me.” Ben has his knees pulled up to his bare chest and he’s holding on to Rey’s hand. She’s trembling slightly, holding on so tight.

“He would tell me that he’d made a mistake, that I could never be my grandfather’s heir, that now he had to do something with me, this miscalculation he’d made. That perhaps if I weren’t so weak he could still help me. He always sounded so doubtful; like I could never be anything other than a failure.” He’s starting to shake.

“It all started to make a strange sort of sense; that at least Snoke was still trying, that I owed him so much for expending the effort, that I deserved the … punishments. That at least he was bothering with me. He almost seemed like it hurt him to hurt me. That it was all my fault when they would come for me, that if I were only better Snoke wouldn’t have to do that. I started to think that I would do anything to prove to Snoke that I was worthy; that he hadn’t made a mistake. That I did matter, that I was worth something.” He hears a small sob escape Rey but she stays quiet, as if she senses he must get this out.

“Then one day they didn’t come for me. I think I’d been there maybe three months? I was so relieved. Now there was no more pain. But no more of Snoke’s attention either. I was locked in my room for weeks, months. I ... honestly don’t know how long. It all blurred together. Being alone like that, it was doing something to my head. Food arrived, but not at the same time. I never knew if it was night or day. I never saw anyone, just droids bringing food and clean clothing. I started to miss the beatings because then at least I had Snoke’s attention. Then … then I started to crave them. Eventually I started to truly crack and was screaming and begging for someone to come when Snoke arrived. He told me … he told me that he couldn’t spare the time any longer; that I wasn’t worth it.”

He remembers how he went down on his knees then, had begged Snoke to give him just one more chance. How Snoke had backhanded him, sending him flying. It was the only time Snoke had ever touched him personally. He’d said, ’Why would I waste anything on a pathetic little lightsider who only wants his mommy?’

“I was out of my head by then, and I told him I would do anything to prove to him that I was worthy, that I could be what he’d thought … what he’d told me I could be. He looked at me for the longest time and then said, ‘Anything?’ And it was true. I probably would have done anything he’d asked at that moment.” Rey shifts so she can wrap her leg around him, too.

“He brought me into the main reception hall then and put my saber in my hand and had his men bring someone out. A boy from the Temple – he was around 7. I never knew they’d spared anyone. But there he was, and when he looked at me he looked so relieved, like I was going to rescue him. Master Luke’s nephew was going to rescue him.” His tone is brimming with self-loathing.

“But Snoke looked at me … into me, and said ‘Choose, now. Strike this mewling little whelp down and your training begins tomorrow. Spare him, and you’ll go back to your room, where you will stay. Alone. Forever.’” Rey is actively crying now.

“He said ‘Prove to me that you aren’t a sorry excuse of a mistake. Show me you know the power of the Dark Side. Snuff out the Light and show me who you are, Kylo Ren.’” He’s quiet for a long time. Lost in memory. “And I did.” His voice is completely flat.

“Oh, Maker, Ben … I didn’t know, oh Ben.” Rey is sobbing. Ben is hollow. Huge tears are falling from Rey’s eyes; she can’t seem to breathe properly, she’s crying so hard. She pulls him away from looking at the wall, pushing him onto his back. She straddles him and wraps her arms around his shoulders, burying her face against his neck. She’s gasping for breath, sobbing. “Oh Ben … I never knew … I never imagined.”

Ben is detached and confused. Why is she crying for him? He doesn’t deserve her tears. She’s quieting down, stroking his still face with one hand, running her fingers through his hair with the other. He’s motionless. Waiting for her compassion to end. Waiting for her to realize what he truly is and run from the room. She pulls back and looks into his eyes. He looks away.

She goes up on her elbows, takes his face between her hands and says, “No, Ben, please don’t pull away. Stay with me – please stay with me.”

He blinks slowly and his eyes rise to meet hers. She’s looking into him and he knows he shouldn’t let her. His eyes slide away again. “Stop, stop … stop going away. Please come back to me, please.”

Ben isn’t really sure what’s happening any longer, but he knows that she’s still here. She hasn’t run from him. He finally looks at her properly and she sighs. “There you are …”

She’s stopped crying but her face is red and her eyes are swollen. She’s still the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

“Please, please tell me you understand what Snoke did to you?” She’s stroking his face again.

“Nothing I didn’t deserve. He always knew what I was made of.”

“No, Ben, no! He twisted you, he abused you. He stole your Light and tortured you. He tortured you. You were 15 and he broke you.”

“I was always broken.”

“No, please, no, not like that, not like that.” Her tone is pleading.

“But I’m the one who killed all those people. Snoke never lifted a finger. It was me.”

“Yes, yes, it was. But you have to see what he did to you.”

He turns away again but she’s pulling his face back. Suddenly her lips are on his and he feels the Bond burst into heady, intoxicating Light. He gasps from the intensity.

“Do you feel that?”

“Yes – your Light, your beautiful Light.”

“No, Ben, that’s our Light. Together. That’s what the Bond is. It’s all of us. It’s your Light and my Dark and it’s pure and beautiful and it’s what the Force is supposed to be. Snoke stole you from yourself. He made you deny a fundamental part of you and he used every weapon he had to make you his. You have to see this; you have to understand what he did to you.”

The haze of memory is beginning to lift. She’s so fervent in her declarations.

She’s holding his face in her hands and she kisses his cheeks then his lips and he hesitantly reaches up and puts his hands on her waist. She kisses him fiercely, protectively, like she’ll stand between him and his dragons and he wonders if there is anything she can’t do.

She pulls back and looks deeply in his eyes and he remembers the first time she told him she loved him. She’s cupping his cheek with her palm and says, “Are you listening to me?”

“Yes, always.” She’s stirring something in him.

“I love you. I’m not sure anything could change that now. I love you. You are not Snoke’s creature, not anymore. You are Ben Solo and I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the ever fantastic Meaghan M/Juulna, who is always so understanding of my random little 'hey, I just thought of ...' emails. Patience of a saint, our Space Beta.
> 
> Thank you to Mr. Downing, who is beginning to realize this is going to go on for a while and is adjusting nicely.
> 
> Thank you readers, bequeathers of kudos, leavers of comments! Thank you for giving your time to my story.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Cupcake is wrung out and Space Queen comforts him. And is that the Interloper I see?
> 
> Please note there is a moment of very light non-con.

Rey is in the ‘fresher washing her face. Ben is slowly recovering. He feels hollowed out. He can’t believe he told her all of those things. He is so ashamed of how weak he was, and now she knows, too …

 

“Ben, stop, please stop,” floats over the Bond. Oh, he must be projecting again. Idiot.

 

“Oh Ben, please please stop,” she repeats as she comes back into his room. He’s still on his back and she crawls in next to him, turning on her side and laying her head on his chest. His long arms come around her and hold her close. The feeling of their skin pressed together comforts him instantly.

 

“I think you need to tell your mother and Luke what happened.”

 

“What?! No, out of the question. They don’t need to know that. I find I don’t like _you_ knowing that. I was weak and stupid and I ruined my life. End of story.”

 

“Is that really what you think?”

 

“Yes. I’m not sure why you think any differently.”

 

“You weren’t weak.”

 

“Yes, I was. I’ve always been weak.” He snorts, “I’ll always find a way to _be_ weak.”

 

“Oh Ben …” She goes up on one elbow so she can see his face, his eyes. “You are many things, but not weak; never weak. What Snoke did to you ... you were _15 years old_ and you were beaten or whipped _daily,_ for months. Then left alone for weeks, months. You don’t even know because it destroyed your _mind_. Please think about this rationally. He broke you, not because you were weak, but because you were young and human. Anyone would have broken under that kind of violence and mental torture.”

 

“You wouldn’t,” he says quietly.

 

“What makes you say that?”

 

“Your whole life was suffering and survival with very little joy and you are incandescent with your light. Snoke could never break you. You’d die first. I wish I had. I wish every day that I’d spared that boy. Yes, I would have gone mad, but I would have gone mad with my soul intact.”

 

“You’re wrong.”

 

“About?”

 

“All of it. My life was what my life was. Yes, it was harsh. Sometimes brutal. Always a little desperate. But it was mine and I made the choice to stay. _I_ kept me on Jakku. Not some story Luke told me, I did that. But I did get to choose, even if I forget that sometimes. It wasn’t something I endured, not after I was around 11. From then on it was me staying there. I can’t tell you how many off-worlders offered me a place on their ships. So don’t make me a martyr who can withstand months of torture just because sometimes I didn’t get enough to eat. You’re wrong. I would break; of course I would break. And remember, Ben, he didn’t offer you the mercy of death. He offered you a moment of horror or a lifetime of madness. Yes you chose, but no one would have chosen anything else and if they say they would, they are lying. This is why you need to tell your mother, at least. She needs to know that you thought she and your father might come for you. She needs to know that she failed you.”

 

“What, no – she didn’t fail me. I left. _I_ failed _her_.”

 

“I think you’ll find she agrees with me. At the very least you need to tell her about what happened the months after the Temple. She needs to know; to understand. I think … I think you need her to know.”

 

“I’ll think about it, alright?” He cannot imagine telling his mother about what … happened to him. Force, he’s so ashamed. If he’d never gone with Snoke, never been seduced ...

 

“Alright. Oh, and you’re wrong about something else, too. Your soul is still whole and bright and right where it should be.”

 

“How could you possibly know that?”

 

“What do you think the Bond is, Ben? What do you think is actually Bonded? Those are our souls. Or at least that’s what I think. I’ve seen your soul, and it’s is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.”

 

Could it be? Could it really be true?

 

He pulls her as close to him as he can and seeks her lips with his. He kisses her, firm and quick, then pulls back to look in her eyes and then kisses her again, deeply this time.

 

He holds her close and looks at the ceiling. He feels so wrung out, as if he’d been crying as hard as Rey, but his eyes are dry. He feels Rey’s naked form pressed against his own and he feels like he would fall into his past without her to anchor him. All those years of wrapping himself in the Dark in order to keep functioning. Running on hate and self-loathing, abrading his soul with his despair. He’s such a twisted thing … _was_ such a twisted thing. He doesn’t know, now.

 

But then she came, and he feels like she’s pulling him back, cleaning him out, awful memory by awful memory. Every time she coaxes him to share one more piece of his shattered, mangled past, she always makes him feel that it’s not hopeless. That he has changed. Rey says he’s only becoming who he should have been but he has his doubts.

 

And when she touches him, lets him touch her, wants him to touch her … Being with her like this, entwined, naked … it heals the fractured places. When he’s within her he feels whole and clean and brand new.

 

She’s so warm, and so safe, and somehow, when he’s with her it doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s hurt for as long as he can remember, now … but now, there’s only Rey.

 

“Rey?”

 

She’s been drifting in and out of sleep and her eyes take a moment to focus.

 

“I love you so much. I can’t express it, but I need you to know. I need you to know that every day, you save me, every day you show me how to be better. I could never have faced this without you.” He turns slightly to look into her eyes and says, “I don’t know how you do it, but it’s like you reach inside me and pull out the ugliness. You cleanse me.”

 

She’s looking startled at his fervent statement, but her eyes are full of that gentle warmth, that constant glow that bathes his soul. He needs her. After everything he’s shared, he needs her.

 

“I need to be inside of you. Please let me make love to you.”

 

She’s fully awake now and is pulling him towards her. “Yes, please. I need you, too. You save me, too. You make me believe such impossible things might be true.”

 

He’s about to ask her what she means, but she’s kissing him, and she’s tangling her hands in his hair, Force how he loves the feeling of her hands on him. That she wants to touch him … it fills him up and pushes out the anguish leaving only Rey behind.

 

They’re slow and tender. He looks into her eyes as he pushes into her. He’s holding her as close as he can, his face only inches from hers. They’re moving together, keeping as much skin as possible touching. Her legs are around his waist and he’s holding her to him. They’re rocking together so slowly. He can feel each ridge within her as he withdraws and gently presses back home. They’re building a heady energy with their silence and deeply-connected eyes. It’s as if they are joined completely, moving together and seeing into each other. Words have no place here. Only eyes and hearts, bodies and souls. He feels the precipice coming; they’re each climbing together. He’s panting quietly and she’s gasping in time with his agonizingly slow pace. He feels her passion building, gentle waves lapping at him. He feels that delicious heat begin to curl in his abdomen and he pushes in even deeper. He wants to share all of it, every last scrap of this connection. Slowly, softly, he feels her walls flutter about him. She sucks in a gasp of air and he feels himself spilling into her as they share a long and slow orgasm, pulled from their deepest places. They maintain the heady silence of the room, saying everything with their eyes. He is home.

 

\---

 

They’re at breakfast, thankfully alone. Ben knows he’s just not up for Poe and Finn. Things are shifting with Poe but Finn is always full of icy hatred, even if he’s respectful. Ben wonders if that will ever change. If he wants it to.

 

“About my walks …” she brings up hesitantly.

 

“You’ve thought about what I told you; about Sto-Kah’s likely background?”

 

“Yes, I have. And I agree, he’s much more dangerous than I’ve been willing to admit. But I still want to keep walking. I think we’re so close and I know he won’t hurt me. He wants to _have_ me.”

 

“I still think the risk is unacceptable.”

 

“Well, it’s my life, my choice.”

 

“Can you possibly be that obtuse?” His eyes are lit with an angry fire.

 

“What do you mean by _that_?” She responds with equal intensity. She’ll always give as good as she gets.

 

“ _Your_ life. Maker … you aren’t alone any longer, Rey. It’s not so black and white. There are people here who treasure you, love you. Imagine how losing you would affect Luke, my mother, Chewie, your droids … Finn?” He’s desperate if he’ll use Finn. “Imagine how you’d rip apart the fabric of their lives, take something so dear to them? You have responsibilities now. You can’t just run off and risk your neck because you feel like it. Not anymore. Can you even conceive of what it would do to me to lose you? Have you even thought about that?” He can tell from her expression that she’d never considered it for a moment.

 

“I can take care of myself.”

 

“Yes, we’re all very aware that Rey of Jakku takes care of herself. I know – oh, I know.” He’s not sure why he’s so angry, only that she’s not listening.

 

She looks almost sullen in her silence.

 

“Rey … You’re woven into the lives of so many, now. We need you. _I_ need you. I can’t lose you, I can’t. Please, please, let us find another way?”

 

She looks like she’s thinking about it. Finally she looks him in the eyes and says, “How about this. We’ll start using the Force Bond to search for him. I mean, if we can’t find him that way we’ll never be able to find Snoke. You know Snoke must cloak himself at all times; he’d never allow himself to be so vulnerable. So we use Sto-Kah to hone our Bond.” Ben is nodding frantically in agreement.

 

“But, I keep walking and whichever way flushes him out, we’ll get him,” she says. Ben stills and stares at her.

 

“Why, Rey – why do you need to do this?”

 

She looks away and there’s something about the way she’s holding herself that makes him very nervous.

 

“Because then I’m free of men who want to own me. There have always been so many men who wanted to own me: Plutt, Poln, Sto-Kah … you. It may not be fair but you’re all mixed up in here, too. What he’s doing, it’s just so close to what you did. I have to do this, not you. If you do it, or keep me safe … then all I ever am is your possession; your prize.” She reaches across the table and takes his hand. He feels the press of suffocating guilt on his chest. How could he have ever hurt his scavenger girl so?

 

“I never thought of you like that.”

 

“But did you think of me as an actual person?”

 

“I didn’t think of _myself_ as an actual person, Rey.”

 

“That’s true. I see that. And because I understand how you came to be where you were, I’m sitting here with you. And I’m not going anywhere. But that doesn’t change that this man has treated me like a treasure to be hoarded and I won’t wait for someone to save me. _I_ save me.”

 

“But you’ll still let us help you, surely?”

 

“Yes, what we’ve been doing is working well. I can sense him; he’s so close to breaking. I _do_ want your help.” He draws his thumb across her palm.

 

“And in the afternoons we’ll use the Bond? And if we find him that way, you’ll hang back?”

 

“Ben, no. I’ll be coming. But if we find him with the Bond we’ll go in together.” He had hoped, perhaps, he could wrangle a concession from her but he sees that it is fruitless to try.

 

“So we try both and I just have to hope we find him before he finds you?” he says sadly.

 

“I’m sorry, Ben, but I have to keep doing this. I need to face him.” She squeezes his hand.

 

“Alright Rey, alright.”

 

\---

 

She’s walking again. She’s halfway through her route when she says across the Bond, “He’s here.”

 

Ben stands immediately. “He’s there,” he announces to the group.  

 

Finn breathes in sharply and Poe punches the sky saying, “Yes!” Chewie makes a mournful whine.

 

Ben is focusing intently on the Bond. He feels the sun on her face, feels the prickling on the back of her neck. He _feels_ the Interloper; feels his intense, cloying interest. It’s not his Force signature, it’s an age old instinct of predator and prey.

 

“Rey, is it time?”

 

“Wait, let him reveal himself first.”

 

“Rey, please.”

 

“No, hold, you must hold.”

 

She’s walking along as if she hasn’t a care in the world when Sto-Kah steps out from behind a tree. He’s in his 40s with pale skin, sandy blond hair, and clear, unnaturally pale green eyes. He’s tall and slender with a wiry build that speaks of coiled strength. She used to think him handsome. A familiar stab of possession roils through Ben.

 

“Hello, little Rey.” He’s much closer than Ben would like. He’s gesturing everyone to move out. They leave the command center and start making their way into the forest stealthily. Chewie takes Ben’s flank.

 

“Taric. We’ve been looking for you after you … disappeared.” She’s keeping her tone curious, inviting.

 

“Yes, that was unfortunate. This isn’t how I wished to bring myself to you, but needs must. Walking like this every day, perhaps you missed me? Hoped to find me?” His tone is lilting and has a faraway quality to it.

 

Ben can feel her disgust as she keeps a pleasant smile on her face. He’s coming to her as fast as he can.

Maker, he detests this plan.

 

“Thank you for the gifts.” She’s keeping Taric talking.

 

“Did you like them?” he says with an intense curiosity. His eyes _glow_.

 

“Very much. I only wish you would have given them to me yourself.” His eyes narrow at that. “Don’t lay it on too thick, Rey,” Ben says over the Bond.

 

“You don’t mean that. You spurned me. How could you, Rey, after everything I’ve done for you?” He sounds like he’s almost scolding her.

 

“Everything you’ve done …” she says. Ben feels a sharp stab of pure rage flood the Bond. “Careful, Rey, focus,” he sends. They’re getting closer.

 

“Your droids, how do you think they came to be available for … fixing? I knew you’d like them. I made sure you had what you needed. Made sure you were happy, working on the ships. I’ve been looking after you for a long time, little Rey. Far longer than _Ben Solo_. I knew you were meant for me from the moment I first saw you.”

 

Taric moves slowly, backing her towards the trees. He has a lithe, elegant bearing.

 

“That's why I took them from you. I _gave_ them to you, it seemed only fitting. I’m prepared to forgive you for Ben Solo, now that you’ve been punished. You’re young, you don’t know what men are like. How they seduce with promises. What has he promised you, Rey?” Taric has his head tilted to the side and his eyes are full of false calm and jealous curiosity. Ben knows this man is anything but calm. The Interloper has fantasized about this conversation for _months_ , Ben is sure of it.

 

“Nothing; you’re wrong about him.” Now is not the time to defend me, Ben thinks.

 

“Oh I don’t think I am. You see, already he has you mixed up. Ben Solo is nothing but a pampered boy.”

 

He’s moving closer. Rey steps back. “Oh, please, lovely, lovely Rey, don’t deny it any longer. I know you can feel it, too.”

 

Rey gasps from the sensation of Taric dropping his Force cloak. Ben senses Taric’s full Force signature and it’s _strong_. That night in the forest making so much more sense. He hasn’t felt a Force presence like this since he was hunting. He’d been so focused on his own failure that night in the storm that he’d never stopped to think why or how. And now Rey is trapped with an exceptionally potent Force-sensitive. His fear ratchets up exponentially. “Rey, you need to get away _now_. Now, Rey,” Ben hisses frantically through the Bond. He’s still several minutes away.

 

“Yes, I feel it. Why did you hide it from me?” He’s backing her into a tree. Ben is absolutely frantic, but they can’t run – they’ll be heard, and then Maker knows what Sto-Kah will do to Rey. So they continue to make their way through the forest quietly. Chewie is staying very close.

 

“I don’t reveal my abilities to anyone. Ever. Not now. Only you, Rey. I’m so much stronger now. _He_ will never get you; not again. I will keep you safe.”

 

Sto-Kah is almost upon her and Rey pivots to avoid being pinned to the tree, going for her lightsaber. “No!” Taric shouts. And suddenly she’s frozen with her hand at her saber’s hilt. Taric is holding a hand out, keeping her still. She pushes with all her strength but it’s no use, he’s just too powerful. Luke has never shown her how to break out from a Force hold.  Ben is terrified. He didn’t realize just how much she doesn’t know. What has Uncle Luke been _teaching_ her? All of his nightmares are coming true and he feels the Dark calling for him.

 

“Now, now Rey, that was unnecessary.” He tuts as if he’s scolding a child. “Please don’t make this difficult. We’re together now; everything will be alright.” He steps up into her, invading her personal space. He reaches up and cups her face. Ben is vibrating with fury. He’s touching her – _touching_ her, and Ben’s not there yet. There’s nothing he can do! Rey is helpless with the Interloper and he’s _touching_ her. Ben, along with Chewie, Finn and Poe, and the other soldiers behind them, are moving silently. Ben’s heart is racing and he’s imagining scenario after scenario of what can happen in the time it’s taking him to get to her.

 

Rey is feeling ill and concentrating very hard on breaking out of Taric’s control. He’s stroking her face and looking at her with madness in his strange, clear eyes.

 

“You are mine, Rey. I forgive you for Ben Solo – you are young, you didn’t know. But I’m here now.” Taric sounds deranged as he croons his fantasies. “It will be like it was always meant to be; we’ll be happy again and _he_ will never take you from me.”  She feels his hand trail along her collarbone.

 

Ben is feeling Taric’s fingers touch his Rey’s perfect skin and the Dark is swirling in him. He will kill this man. He doesn’t care that they’d wanted to bring him to justice. This would be a just act. This man has taken his darling girl’s peace of mind, her droid family, made her cry. And now he’s about take something else from her. Ben knows he took from his sweet girl, but nothing like this, never like this.

 

“You don’t know how much I’ve missed you … Missed the feel of your skin against mine.” Taric’s smile is meant to be soft, but it just seems manic. His fingers slip below her shirt, ripping the material in impatience to reveal more of her flesh.

 

Rey is frightened now. This has gone far further than she had imagined it would. She sees it now, what Ben had meant about putting herself in danger. Ben feels her desperation and it doubles his own anxiety and fear. The Bond crackles with Ben’s helpless rage, and Rey sees that she’s been reckless. That there were other ways – that she didn’t have to do this. She can feel how Ben’s sanity is barely intact he’s so out of his mind with fear, for her. He senses her making these connections and he feels her guilt and terror. “I’m so sorry Ben – you were right. We didn’t need to do it this way, I’m sorry,” she sends.

 

“Stop thinking like that, I’m almost there, it’s going to be alright,” Ben answers. Force, he hopes it’s true.

 

Ben feels Taric stroke down her throat and he growls low. He will pull this man’s spine from his body.

Rey is held firm, but she keeps struggling. Taric leans forward and gently nuzzles her cheekbone. She closes her eyes and does the only thing she can think of. She reaches for the Bond and Ben feels her breathing shift, and her heartbeat falls in time with his. Yes, Ben thinks – _yes_. They’ve never tried it long distance, and he has no idea if it will work but he gives himself over to it and feels the Bond hum with their shared energy. The Force swirls in her and suddenly she’s brimming with power and she’s able to _move_. Before Taric even knows what’s happened, she’s free of his hold. In an instant she’s swinging her lightsaber at Sto-Kah with an avenging fury.

 

“You sadistic _monster_! You tried to kill Ben. You hurt my droids!” She’s advancing on Taric. Caught completely off guard, he’s barely fending off her blows with his own aqua saber. He’s fast, but Rey is running on pure rage, just like on _Starkiller_. There she is, his brilliant warrior girl. She’s free and the Bond goes quiet, releasing Ben to keep moving forward. No reason to stay quiet now; he starts to _run_. He doesn’t even notice if his compatriots keep up.

 

“You ripped them to pieces!” She roars as she continues her attack. She’s pushing him back, closer and closer to the base.

 

“What did you expect me to do, after you became _Ben Solo’s?_ ” He blocks her swings, his initial surprise forgotten. He has years of experience on her and he’s regained his footing. Ben is running as fast as he can as he sees the tide of the fight change. Taric is pressing his advantage and says, “I _gave_ you those droids and I took them away. I can always take it all back, little Rey. Never forget that.” He’s almost lazy in his fighting now, as if this were an altogether different kind of dance. Ben is incensed, but he’s almost there.

 

“You almost took him from me!” A new surge of fury rides her blood and she’s seeking vengeance on the man who threatened what is hers; what has become so dear. Ben is so proud of her.

 

“A slight miscalculation – it won’t happen again.” Taric has lost all hold on reality. He’s arrogant in his fighting and leaves his shoulder open. Rey’s saber comes down, skimming his flesh.  Just then, Ben crashes through the forest, his red lightsaber ready to strike.

 

Taric goes still, his saber aloft, transfixed by that strange crackling red blade. His eyes are in another time, another place. “You …” he whispers.  Taric is so entranced that he doesn’t see Rey’s boot coming as she kicks him to the ground. She’s got him now. She stands over his prone body and raises her saber, her blood singing with vengeance. Ben _feels_ how much she wants to _kill_ this man. Her eyes are alight with a manic energy; she’s barely even there. Ben is terrified. Seeing her awash in the Dark, he never wanted this for her, never. Flashes of his former deeds, steeped in the Dark, flit through his mind. He sees that she’s deep in it now.

 

“You will never take from me again, Taric Sto-Kah.” She’s swinging hard, about to take his head when Ben’s saber stops her. Their weapons crash together and Taric’s face glows a strange violet.

 

“No!” she snarls in fury. “Don’t you dare stop me! No one else will take from me ever again! I won’t let him. Stand back, Ben.” Beads of sweat gather on her brow. She looks just like she did on _Starkiller_. He had forgotten how beautiful she was in her ferocity. But he feels the Dark in her, thick and sweet. He knows he cannot, cannot let her do this.

 

“No, Rey – you don’t want this.”

 

She just keeps staring at Taric’s face and the point where red and blue cross. She’s pushing firmly; Ben knows that if he retracted his saber she would take this step, so he holds. They stand like that, sabers locked together.

 

“I mean it, Ben. Stand. Back.” Taric is on the ground, still staring at Ben’s lightsaber as if it has the answers to all of his questions.

 

“No, you do _not_ want to do this. Remember what it did to me. You will never recover. You will never be the same.”

 

Rey’s face is showing a riot of emotions, and the Bond is pulsing with her rage and confusion. Ben lets out a breath as he feels the Dark begin to recede.

 

“Rey?” She looks like she’s only halfway heard him.

 

She shakes herself, then notices that their sabers are still locked and retracts her blade. Her shoulders slump and she looks defeated. In that moment Taric comes to his senses and swings his blade towards Ben as he flows to his feet. Soon they are locked in combat.

 

Taric and Ben are much more evenly matched. Where Rey was barely holding her own, Ben is fighting with years of experience wielding his strange saber.

 

Taric swings violently at Ben’s head. Ben blocks it easily and pivots, taking the opening, and uses the Interloper’s momentum against him. Taric stumbles but rights himself quickly. “Kylo Ren. I will enjoy killing you. It seems you are destined to always take from me. Soon _I_ will take from _you_.”

 

Sto-Kah reaches out and violently pushes Ben with the Force, sending him stumbling backwards. Taric advances, death and pain in his piercing pale green eyes. He moves like a desert cat, stalking towards Ben. Ben is back on his feet in no time and charging Taric. Their blades crash against each other again. Where Taric is swift and precise, Ben is raw and dripping with power, meeting Taric’s economy of motion with an almost gluttonous excess of brutality. He wants very much to give Rey the Interloper’s head. But he is aware that Sto-Kah is very good and it wouldn’t do to underestimate him again.

 

“Stop!” rings out as Rey comes fully back into herself. The combatants take no heed. “Taric, stop, you’re surrounded. Yield,” yells Rey.

 

Chewie has his bowcaster aimed at Sto-Kah’s head, waiting for his chance. Everyone else’s blasters are trained on the whirling clash of aqua and red. Ben keeps deflecting the Interloper’s blows, quieting the fury that is racing through him to end. This. Man.

 

Then, Ben sees his opening. He drops and swipes the Interloper’s feet out from under him with one perfectly timed kick. Sto-Kah lands hard and his saber flies from his hand and into Rey’s.

 

The Interloper’s eyes have never left Ben. He looks demented. Ben stands over him, holding his lightsaber at his throat. Then, Chewie is pulling Sto-Kah to his feet and thrusting his hands into binders.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I mentioned that I have the best beta in the whole wide world? I'm not sure if I've said it before ... Meaghan M/Juulna is simply superb, thank you!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who came home with Kylo Ren water bottle because he knew it would make me giggle.
> 
> And of course, thank you everyone who is reading, leaving kudos, and commenting. I so enjoy interacting with you all. Come say hi on tumblr (perrydowning)!


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Interloper is caught and Space Cupcake just needs a Space Lemon with his Space Queen. They compare notes about Starkiller and Space Voldemort says "Yo."

Chewie marches Sto-Kah back to the base with the other soldiers keeping him in their sights. Ben is still pulsing with unexhausted adrenaline, _knowing,_ but not quite _believing,_ that leaving the Interloper alive is the right thing to do. He still wants to rip his hands off for touching Rey. He’s also very disturbed by the way the man had spoken to her. It was too close for comfort, and he knows she was right when she’d told him his feelings had started out like that. It’s deeply upsetting to see himself in this light. He wonders if he’s come far enough for her; if she still sees that obsessive, frightening man when she looks at him. He doesn’t want to be that.

 

He’s still angry with Rey for putting herself in such peril, but his relief is overwhelming his ire. She’s safe – she’s _safe_. He’s finally beginning to breathe properly again.

 

Rey falls into step beside him and catches his hand. Her small fingers curl in his and he can’t help but smile. He needs to be alone with her. To assure himself that she’s here and whole.

 

“Thank you,” she breathes softly.

 

“For what?”

 

“For stopping me. You were right. I just lost myself. It was like there was a thick blanket between me and what I was doing.”

 

“That’s the Dark Side, Rey,” he says with regret.

 

“It was like I could do _anything_ and it was the right thing to do.”

 

“Yes … it makes certain acts … easier. But let’s talk about this later, yes?” He’s mindful of the prisoner and his own erratic feelings.

 

“Alright, Ben.”

 

They take Taric Sto-Kah to the brig. He’ll be guarded heavily and fitted with an implant that will release a sedative should he use his Force powers. Chewie searches him and finds three knives and a small blaster in addition to the lightsaber. More disturbing, though, is the woman’s gold wedding band they find in his pocket.

 

Sto-Kah is behind bars and Poe holds the ring up, “What the hell is this about?”

 

“I was mistaken. I thought the _whore_ was someone else.”

 

Ben’s arm is through the bars and his hand around Taric’s neck before anyone even sees him move.

 

“You will never speak of her like that again. Better still, you will not speak of her at all,” Ben growls. He’s almost overwhelmed by the need to _squeeze_.

 

Taric just grins and his oddly light eyes are full of a strange sort of _hope_.

 

“Ben, let him go. Please, Ben.” Rey is standing next to him.

 

Ben feels the Dark. It’s been close all day, helping when needed but not overwhelming his balance. But right now its tendrils are wrapping up his mind and soothing his heart. One snap and Rey will never have to fear this man again. One twist of the Force and she will be safe. But he feels her side of the Bond come alive with concern and her exquisite soul interrupts. “Ben, let him go.

 

“Ben, it’s time to let him go.

 

“Ben.”

 

Finally he loosens his grip and the Interloper falls to his knees, gasping in great gulps of air, laughing as he wheezes, “Oh, Kylo Ren, now that you’ve been brought low by _love_ it will make this so much more satisfying. Once I had only hoped to kill you. Now, I will _break_ you.”

 

“Yeah, well, you’re the one in a cage, so you might have to rethink your end game there, buddy,” Poe says.

 

All of a sudden, Finn stands right in front of the cell, and demands, “Why did you do it? Why did you terrorize Rey?” he asks.

 

“I was wrong about her. I see now that I was blind.”

 

“Blind how?” Finn demands.

 

“It’s not a tale for you, boy.” Taric Sto-Kah turns away and stands on the edge of the cell, his back to them. He does not speak again.

 

\---

 

They’ve just come to his room and he’s on her the moment he hears the lock click. He lifts her up and encourages her to wrap her legs around his waist while he pushes her back against the door. He’s kissing her everywhere he can reach. In between furiously plunging his tongue into her mouth and nibbling on her lower lip he says, “I was so afraid – so afraid I would lose you. I can’t lose you; not ever. Please tell me you won’t ever do anything like that ever again. Please.”

 

He has her pinned between his body and the door; he is burning with denied release. The adrenaline, the fear, all of it … he’s on fire for her. He’s holding her small body against his, his large hands grasping her to him. She’s gasping at the onslaught of his passion and need.

 

“Tell me; please tell me that I won’t ever have to feel like that again.” He’s kissing along her neck, biting and caressing. He can’t think clearly, he just has to be in her.

 

He sets her on her feet and has her clothes off in an instant, his following right behind. She’s barely caught her breath when he picks her up again and, looking deep into her eyes, he waits for her to signal her acceptance. She’s caught a touch of his madness and nods sharply. With one swift movement he has her legs wrapped around his waist and his cock buried deeply inside her. He pushes her up against the door while he thrusts into her – fast, hard, desperate. He needs to be in her; needs to know that she is alive and safe and his. His eyes never leave hers and he’s pumping into her relentlessly. This is not sweet, this is primal. This is about brushing with death and dancing away to live another day. This is about ensuring that she is alive and whole and his – dear Maker, she must always be _his_.

 

It’s all moving so quickly but she doesn’t seem to mind. She pulls him in closer with her legs and clings to him. She whispers in his ear, “No, never again, I won’t do that to you again. I felt what it cost you.”

 

She’s clutching him and he can tell she’s getting close. He’s not sure he can hold on much longer. Soon he feels her thighs begin to shake from exertion and he angles himself to hit that perfect place, making sure she has all the stimulation she can handle. He’s thrusting so hard that she’s pushed up the door with each urgent movement. She has her arms around his neck and he’s looking into her eyes when he feels her walls begin to quake. Soon, it must be soon – he can’t hold on! He’s so close to spilling himself in her when he feels it. Her walls clench hard around him, almost pushing him out. She throws her head back and screams; she stars-be-damned screams as she comes. Her surrender to pleasure is so exquisite that he follows her, her orgasm almost pulling his release from his body, her walls milking him.

 

She slumps exhaustedly against his shoulder. He maneuvers them to the bed and gently lays them both on the mattress. She’s flushed and glistening with exertion. He’s still panting slightly. They’re on their sides, facing each other.

 

“I’m sorry, I hope I wasn’t too roug-”

 

She stops him by putting her fingers against his mouth. He kisses them, still wanting to touch as much of her as he can.

 

“It was perfect. I needed you, too. I needed to wash him from my skin.”

 

He stills then, wondering if he’s missed something important.

 

“I didn’t think of that … are you … are you alright?”

 

“Yes, yes, I think so. It was so much worse than I had imagined. I never thought that he would be able to _trap_ me like that. I thought I was stronger.” He feels how powerless she felt, how ashamed she is of herself.

 

“Rey, you _are_. You just don’t have the training, the experience.”

 

He pulls her into his arms and feels her heart beat against his. They are quiet for a long time.

 

“Does … does the offer still stand?” she says hesitantly.

 

He pulls his head back to look at her and cocks his head in query.

 

“To be my teacher.”

 

He could not possibly be so lucky. She wouldn’t trust him with that, would she?

 

“What about Luke?” he says cautiously.

 

“I don’t think Luke can teach me what I need to know.”

 

“And what is it you need to know?”

 

“I need to know how to fight. I won’t let you go against Snoke without me. And I _never_ want to feel that powerless ever again. I thought if I took down Sto-Kah that the fear would stop. But it’s only worse now. He stopped me so easily, Ben,” she says sorrowfully.

 

“Not so easily. Reaching for our Bond like that, it was brilliant. _You_ did that, _you_ got yourself free. You had him and you are the reason he’s in a cell.”

 

“But I know that if we’re going to end Snoke, finally be free to build a life …” she says wistfully.

 

He thinks of a whole life with her and he can see it so clearly.

 

“I have to be so much better than I am if we’re going to be successful,” she says.

 

He knew that she sees them working together, fighting side-by-side with him – of course he knew. There was no way she would simply let him go off to war, but the thought of Snoke getting his hands on her ...

 

“I can’t think about Snoke having a chance at you, not right now. Not after today. But yes, yes of course the offer still stands.”

 

She’s quiet, tracing one of his scars with her fingertips. She looks at him and says, “What … what did you really want from me that day, when you offered to teach me?”

 

He takes a moment to answer her. “I didn’t know. I just knew I _couldn’t_ let you go, I couldn’t hurt you … I was not, in any way, sane at that point ... it was all I could think of to offer.”

 

He’s wondered something for a very long time. “What did you feel on _Starkiller_ ... for me?” He’s told himself that he was alone in his madness, but sometimes she hints. He’s surprised to see her go bright red.

 

“I don’t really know how to put it in words.”

 

“Try. Please try. I think … I think I need to know.”

 

She sighs deeply and strokes his face. Then she says, “I didn't know what it was, then, but I know now.”

 

He nods for her to continue.

 

“I thought you were awfully handsome and you … confused me.”

 

“Confused you?”

 

“You didn’t fit together; it was like you were a puzzle but someone had given me the wrong key. The pieces didn’t fit to create the man that was in front of me. I think … I think I always sensed Ben Solo underneath all that Kylo Ren. And …” she doesn’t continue.

 

“And?”

 

She sighs and says, “I’d never felt it before so I didn’t know what it was. Not until later.”

 

He’s desperate to know what she’s going to reveal.

 

She looks away furtively. “I was attracted to you. Maybe something more than that as well … you were so _compelling_. I’d never met anyone like you. And then … Han …” She looks up for a moment then away again. “Then it didn’t matter; I was full of hating you. You’d taken him from me and I despised you for it.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Rey. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say it enough.”

 

“I know. I know you are. I was so confused. I would wonder, sometimes, if we’d met differently …”

 

“I thought of that all the time my darling girl. I would fantasize that I’d taken you from that chair and we’d run away together, never looking back. No First Order, no Resistance, just you and me and the galaxy. I spent a good deal of time in that fantasy.”

 

She’s toying with his hair and there’s a warm sort of comfort in the air. Like they can share their secrets like small children playing.

 

“I wonder if I would have gone with you, like that ...” She looks away for a long while, thinking. “Why did you take off your mask, when I was in the chair?”

 

“I told myself it was a tactic. To throw you off guard. But the truth is I needed to look at you with my own eyes. Even then, before the Bond … I think I was already yours.”

 

She smiles a little at that.

 

“Well it _did_ throw me off guard; you were _nothing_ like I’d imagined.”

 

“’A creature in a mask,’ if I recall correctly. Another reason I took it off. It … bothered me to have you think of me like that. And that I was bothered … well, that bothered me even more. You really did turn everything upside down.” He remembers how he wanted her to not be afraid of him.

 

“I hated the fear in your eyes; even then I didn’t want you to be afraid of me.” He pulls her closer. He’s impossibly grateful that she doesn’t look at him with fear any longer.

 

“Well, it worked. I wasn’t afraid of you after you’d taken off your mask. You didn’t reveal your face much, did you?”

 

“Rey, I never revealed my face after I took the mask. Only to Snoke and Hux. And Hux only because he was often with me when I met with Snoke. You were the first to see me in many, many years.”

 

“I … I hadn’t realized.” He feels through the Bond how sad this makes her, that he was so cut-off from the world.

 

“Well, you _have_ noted that I’m not very good at hiding my feelings. The mask was ingenious in that way. But now I think … I think it was just another way that Snoke controlled me, kept me away from anyone or anything that might sway me.” She trails her fingers along his jaw. He can’t imagine wearing a mask ever again.

 

“We should probably check in with everyone. And we’re still training with Luke later.” She looks reluctant.

 

“I just want to stay like this all afternoon. I’m not ready to share you.” He pulls her to him possessively.

 

“I know, but we didn’t even debrief Leia, and Luke should know, too, about Sto-Kah.

 

Just then they hear a knock. “See, I told you,” she says. She’s already getting up and getting dressed. “Just a moment,” she calls through the door.

 

“Take your time, I’ll be in my office …” Leia’s knowing voice floats through the wall.  Ben hides his face in his hands. It _would_ be his mother that came looking. He’s getting dressed quickly, knowing there’s nothing to be done now. It’s obvious what they’ve been up to.

 

\---

 

They’re on their way to his mother’s office when he feels it. Snoke. But the most curious thing happens. He can’t get in. Ben doesn’t even have to fight. He senses Snoke battering furiously against his mind, but he doesn’t even have to reach for the Bond. Snoke is blocked.

 

He stops her though, just in case. “Snoke is trying to get in, but he can’t. The Bond is keeping him out.”

 

She moves in front of him, instinctively joining her palms with his. “You’re sure? You don’t think we should check?”  She’s right of course. They slip into the Bond and find it is as Ben said. Snoke is just a quiet whisper of impotent rage. He can’t get in. Somehow, being in the Bond so often has strengthened it. Ben is in awe of his Rey. He knows this is her doing. That no one without her Light could ever figure out how to block Snoke. But his scavenger girl, who will never be stopped, has taken control. He knows it’s because she lets him in when they make love, let’s him be inside her in all ways.  He can’t help himself: he grabs her and kisses her deeply.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Meaghan M/Juulna, who helped me plot out the rest of this mad little tale. You are everything I could ever ask for in a beta and a friend.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who came home with an orchid and tells me to trust myself.
> 
> Readers! Thank you so much for continuing to read, kudo, and comment. Posting days are my very favorite days because of how wonderful you all are.
> 
> Shout out to The Dark Becomes You, Terapid, MissHarper, CharlotteCAgain, and ArtemisBare for being marvelously supportive on tumblr. You guys rock so hard.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Interloper reveals his motivations, Space Cupcake loses his cool, Space Lip Bite intervenes and Space Queen bares the brunt of the fallout while Space Friend Zone comforts her.

Sto-Kah is refusing to talk. He just sits in the middle of his cell. He’s made no attempts to escape. He barely moves. The General is preparing his trial anyway.

 

It’s been three days when he finally says two words. “Kylo Ren.” Which is why Ben is now standing outside his cell, preparing to interrogate him. It brings up too many memories and he does _not_ want to be here. Sto-Kah remains with his back to the bars. He turns slightly, sees Ben, and turns away.

 

“Ah. I knew they’d send in the … muscle … eventually. Tell me, Kylo Ren, do you sleep well at night with your little Jedi slut?”

 

Ben’s jaw twitches as he grinds his teeth together. He must not let this man provoke him. But he does know the right buttons to push now, doesn't he?

 

“We aren’t here to talk about her.”

 

“Oh, but aren’t we?” Taric’s tone is taunting.

 

“The Resistance does not have the resources to jail you indefinitely. There will be a trial. You will be exiled.”

 

“How that must _grate_.”

 

Ben says nothing.

 

“You never let anyone live, not if you could help it. Certainly not my Set.” Taric’s voice is cold.

 

“Set?”

 

Sto-Kah turns towards him then, a mad and deep fury emanating from him.

 

“You cannot be bothered to even remember her _name_?” he bellows.

 

No, Ben thinks. He tried very hard to forget; to forget them all. They never had names – he wishes they’d never had _faces_.

 

“Look at you; you couldn’t have been more than 20 when you _butchered_ her.”

 

Taric stands and walks to the bars. “Does Halna mean anything to you?”

 

Halna … Outer Rim planet, one of the more populated. Oh Force. The woman who looked like Rey. Her husband had been Taric Sto-Kah. _The man he let get away._ He’d been so proud of that little deceit; thought he’d taken back just a bit of his power from Snoke with that act. He has never, in all of his life, ever made the right decision. Ben stays silent.

 

“There was never anyone so beautiful, so kind, as my Set. And you cleaved her in two with that crackling abomination you call a lightsaber. You didn’t even have the _decency_ to kill me, too.”

 

“Trust me when I say I would do it differently now.”

 

“Oh, I am absolutely certain of that. To think I ever thought _her_ to be my Set come back me …” His lip curls in disgust. “Filthy little cunt, lousy with your seed.”

 

Ben has him pinned to the wall with the Force before he even realizes he’s done it. Taric just laughs.

 

“It’s a special kind of madness, isn’t it? When you realize there is nothing you won’t do, for _her_. Soon you will know what it does to have that ripped from you. I will delight in making her scream, Kylo Ren.” Ben releases him and he slumps to the floor.

 

He has to calm down. This is getting him nowhere. If Taric Sto-Kah never talks, never defends himself, what does it matter? They’ll try him, find him guilty, and he’ll be gone from their lives forever. Ben is only here because his mother asked, and he thought Rey deserved some answers. But if he stays much longer he knows he’ll kill this man, slowly. He tries to take control of the interrogation.

 

“Why did you join the Resistance?”

 

“To get closer to killing _you_. I spent years attempting to infiltrate the First Order. After _Starkiller_ I thought the Resistance might give me a better chance.”

 

“Why didn’t you reveal your abilities with the Force to Luke Skywalker? Tell him your tale; convince him to help you?”

 

“ _That_ is a man who has given up. He has never known how vengeance can sustain you, how vendetta makes it possible to live an unlivable life, if only there’s a _chance_ to see your enemy dead. Besides. I learned, after Set, that no one can be trusted.”

 

He’s being so forthcoming. It has Ben on guard – this is too easy.

 

Suddenly, Sto-Kah stands and comes to the bars, his head to one side and those odd eyes boring into Ben.

 

“How did you find us on Holna?”

 

Ben wonders if he should engage in a two-way exchange of information. He can’t see any risk to it.

 

“There were reports of a strong Force-user and his wife there. I never even knew she was Force-sensitive until I found her.” Sto-Kah’s eyes burn with white-hot hatred.

 

“Reports … from where?”

 

Ben is wracking his brain for the details, but Set was one of so many …

 

“I don’t remember.”

 

“Too many murdered children to recall the details, hmmm?”

 

Ben flinches at that, but does not rise to the bait.

 

He’s remembering something. “I believe it was your landlord. The organization that became the First Order always paid well for information,” Ben says.

 

“I never should have … foolish …” Taric says to himself. “To think I ever believed I could find my Set again …” He’s lost in memory and Ben isn’t sure he’s really aware of him anymore. Taric shakes his head as if to clear it and looks directly into Ben’s eyes.

 

“You have no idea the Light you ended that day; the beauty you ripped from the galaxy. I will see you brought to your knees. I will kill you only _after_ you know what it’s like to have your very soul rent from your body. She will never be safe, _Kylo Ren_. You should kill me now, for as long as I draw breath, know that I will be coming for _her_. You will know what it is to feel the heat leave her body, to look in her dead eyes for the last time. You will know what it’s like to be bathed in her blood and know that it is _your fault.”_

 

Ben refuses to be goaded, but the picture he’s painting is his deepest fear given voice. His demons will come for him; he’s always known that. But he never thought they would come for Rey. He wonders again if his presence is hurting her, if perhaps … but he shunts the thought quickly aside.

 

“Do you have anything to say to defend yourself? So long as you refuse to speak with your counsel, your fate is all but sealed.”

 

“I don’t particularly care about this farce. You will have to kill me; exile will only slow me down.”

 

“That’s not how my mother does things. That’s not how the Resistance does things.”

 

“Such a tamed little thug you’ve become. Tasted her nectar and now you’re a better man, hmm? Found redemption between her thighs?”

 

“I told you before – you will _not_ speak of her like that.”

 

“Don’t like to hear the truth, Kylo Ren? I’m sure she has the sweetest little quim. _I_ certainly imagined it; saw so clearly what it would be like to bury myself in her. Tell me, does she whisper she loves you when you rut like a beast?”

 

Ben slams from the room, Sto-Kah’s demented laughter floating after him.

 

\---

 

He’s in a towering rage and he’s very much regretting not killing Sto-Kah when they caught him. No one would have blamed him in the heat of battle, would they?

 

He stalks into the forest, determined to master himself.

 

He walks for a long time, thinking of the past, of how it’s all come back to haunt him. He never imagined that his choices would return to him this way, that another would pay the price. If he’d never killed all of those Force-sensitives, Rey never would have caught the Interloper’s attention. It always comes back to him; every single thing she’s suffered, he is the ultimate architect. Jakku, Sto-Kah … He wonders if he’ll ever stop bringing destruction down on Rey. He wonders if he never should have come. He walks.

 

\---

 

Something is very wrong when he returns to the Base. He’s been shielding the Bond for most of the afternoon, not wanting Rey to hear his tumultuous thoughts.

 

He feels eyes on him from all directions and he’s extremely wary. Myla comes out of nowhere and shoves him.

 

“You. You _disgust_ me, Kylo Ren. To think I wanted to be your friend. _Poor Ben Solo_. You’re a duplicitous bastard and I never want you to talk to me again.” She’s turning and walking away.

 

Kylo Ren? Oh _Maker_. They know. They _know_. He always knew this was coming; had expected it months ago. But it still hurts. He’s made a home here, the first in such a long time.

 

“Myla, please, I know I can never change what I’ve done, but I’m doing everything I can to fix things.”

 

Myla turns back and looks at him. “Because of you I have no family. I mean it, _Ren_. Don’t talk to me ever again. Some of them are calling for your execution. I just want you to steer clear of me. Don’t talk to me, don’t look at me, and I can live with you being here, for the General’s sake.” She quickly strides away.

 

Ben feels everyone looking at him and he feels their hatred. He’s not sure what to do. Should he find his mother, get her advice? Should he go to his room and wait for Rey?

 

Just then Poe grabs his arm, Ben whirls and snarls, “Don’t tou-”

 

“Shut up – just shut up. Where the hell have you been?” Poe exclaims.

 

“I was in the forest.” Ben doesn’t elaborate.

 

“Well in case you haven’t noticed, things have gone tits up around here and you were _needed_.”

 

“Why, what do you mean, what happened?” He sees that his life here has become much more uncomfortable but that doesn’t really bother him. At least he tries to tell himself that.

 

“You really never think more than one step ahead, do you? Think, you idiot. How do you think they’re treating Rey?” Rey? What could … oh. Oh, no … Ben’s face is stricken.

 

“Yeah, there you go, caught up.” Poe has very little patience left.

 

“What did they do – what have they said?” Ben says urgently.

 

“It all started a few hours ago. Sto-Kah started talking and wouldn’t shut up. Told his guards all about who you … were. It was all over the base within about 15 minutes. Rey was swarmed. Everyone thought she didn’t know about you, thought they were _saving_ her by telling her the truth. Well you can imagine how that went down.”

 

“Please tell me.” Ben is torn. He wants to go to her _right now_ but he needs to know what happened.

 

“She went all fierce scavenger girl, telling them it was none of their business and yes, she already knew, and they could all go to hell. It went downhill fast.”

 

“What …. what did they _say_?” He’s very worried now.

 

“You don’t want to know. But everyone’s been following you two like you were the next great cosmic romance. It’s been better than holos. They feel betrayed, lied to.”

 

“ _What did they say_!” Ben says angrily.

 

“Alright, alright. A group of guys from the kitchens, she’d been friendly with them, they’d set aside her favorites. I guess they thought they had some sort of say over her because of that. Anyway they cornered her and … oh Maker, I really don’t want to tell you this.” Poe checks to see if Ben has his saber. Ben tries not to be offended.

 

Poe takes a deep breath, steeling himself. “They told her that if she was nothing but a First Order whore that they were next in line.”

 

Poe has to tackle him from behind, going for his legs to use his height against him. Ben only just stops himself from using the Force on Poe as they go down. They end up in a tangle on the tarmac and Ben is getting to his feet, moving once again towards the kitchens.

 

“Stop, you great hulking idiot!”  Ben ignores him and keeps going.

 

“You have to stop and think, think of Rey, _stop_!”

 

This gets Ben’s attention and he turns to Poe.

 

“I won’t allow her to be treated like this. I won’t. If I have to pull the tongue out of every man on this base, I will.”

 

“I know, big guy, I know. But she wouldn’t want that. Think for one damned minute. How will she react if she knows you’ve gone all Kylo Ren on everyone? Do you really want to have that conversation? How you went off like a crazy person and beat up the whole damned Resistance? Last I checked you were trying to prove you’d changed, Solo.”

 

“But she’s done nothing wrong – _nothing_. How can they treat her like this? I thought everyone loved Rey ...”

 

“They do, and they will again. Not everyone feels like this. Plenty of people are just sitting back and waiting to see. There are people here who’ve been really hurt by the First Order … even a few who’ve lost people to you … to Kylo Ren. To them she’s sleeping with the enemy and that makes her less than trash.”

 

Ben looks murderous.

 

“Hey, don’t Force-choke the messenger. Maker knows why, but I seem to be on your side in all of this. It’s going to take time, but it will blow over. You’re the General’s son and plenty of folks know you’ve been working hard for our cause for months now. It’s a shock and folks feel lied to. Though the General isn’t faring so great either.”

 

His mother – people are being cruel to his mother? “What are they saying about my mother?” Ben growls.

 

“Nothing like they’re saying about Rey, just questioning her loyalty, her competence. It’s mostly a bunch of loud mouths. I’m telling you it’ll get better. It’s worse than a small town around here; something else will come up, I promise you.

 

He’s finally calming down. Once again he’s forced to feel grateful to Poe.

 

“Thank you. For stopping me,” Ben says stiffly.

 

“Yeah, well, thanks for not throwing me against a wall with the Force.”

 

“Where is she?”

 

“Rey? She’s with your mother and Finn. I’ve been looking for _you_ all afternoon. You sure do know how to make yourself scarce. They’re in the General’s office. Well, they were. The higher ups have been scurrying around all afternoon, doing damage control.”

 

“I have to-”

 

“Yeah, yeah, go be her dark prince. I need a drink.” Poe strides away while Ben sets off for his mother’s office.

 

\---

 

Rey is sitting on his mother’s settee, looking at her hands. Finn is sitting far too close.

 

“Where have you _been_?!” his mother exclaims.

 

“I was walking in the forest.”

 

“All afternoon?”

 

“I was trying to calm down. Sto-Kah, he … got to me.”

 

“Well he’s gotten to everyone today. I should have seen this coming, frankly. It’s surprising it took this long to get out.”

 

Rey’s just silent. Ben moves towards her, going to his knees in front of her, taking her hands in his. He’s trying not to think too much about the fact that Finn has been here for her when it should have been him.

 

“Rey?”

 

She looks up then, but her eyes are flat.

 

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here; I didn’t know.”

 

“I called for you, through the Bond. Why did you ignore me?” Her voice is full of hurt.

 

“Oh … Oh, Rey, I’m so sorry. I was upset. I didn't want to worry you. I was blocking it. It never occurred to me that you’d need me. You were supposed to be training with Luke while I interrogated Sto-Kah.”

 

“That was hours ago!”

 

“I know, darling, I know. I needed … I needed to calm down, needed to think. I’m so sorry.” She still looks small but she nods. Finn rolls his eyes but doesn’t say anything.

 

Ben looks at his mother, begging for some advice with his eyes. Leia just smiles sadly.

 

“Maybe you two should go somewhere quiet, talk about what’s happened?”

 

Rey just shrugs.

 

Ben agrees with this. “Yes, I think that’s a good idea, but first, is there anything I need to know? Poe found me, told me what … happened.” Rey flinches.

 

“No, there’s nothing else. Leadership is united in supporting your continued presence. Your information has been invaluable. No one with any real sway is saying anything against you. A few hotheads will be peeling potatoes after exhibiting questionable judgement in regards to how one addresses a superior officer, but I have it handled.  I think … I think Rey got the brunt of it.”

 

“Yeah, while you were off communing with nature.” Finn finally snaps.

 

Ben just stares at him stonily.

 

Why does she keep having to pay for his sins? It’s not fair, it’s not right. He feels so powerless and angry and he knows he can’t get away with taking it out on Finn. Even though he very much wants to.

 

“Rey? Are you ready to go?” He just wants to get her out of here. Do what he can to pull her back from this awful, muted place she goes when she’s hurt.

 

“I guess so.” She almost looks afraid.

 

“I won’t let them do that to you again.”

 

“You can’t stop them, not as Ben Solo. You know that.”  Ben sobers, realizing that this would, in fact, be much simpler if he could just threaten them all with his lightsaber.

 

She suddenly stands and takes a deep breath. “Well I won’t hide from them. I went my whole life with no one, I don’t need them and I certainly don’t care what they think.” Ben feels how very untrue this is. How desperately she loves her Resistance family, how deeply this has shaken her. He’s filled with long-familiar doubt and self-loathing. Perhaps all he’s done is ruined her life. She’s saved him and he’s destroying her. He feels so conflicted.

 

\---

 

They’re walking to his room and he wants to put his arm around her but he feels the entire base’s attention on them and doesn’t want to give them more to use against Rey. She looks at him piercingly but doesn’t say anything.

 

They’re silent as they make their way. Once inside, he pulls her to him and she’s stiff in his arms. Then she seems to melt and she wraps her arms around his waist and buries her face in his chest.

 

“I’m so sorry this has happened; that you’ve been treated so poorly,” he says.

 

“It’s not your fault.”

 

He pulls back slightly and tips her chin so that she’s looking at him. “We both know that’s not true. I never imagined my deeds would come back to me in this way. To hurt you.”

 

“Poe and Finn say it’ll blow over, but I don’t know. They were so angry, Ben.”

 

“Not at you though, not really.”

 

“Well it felt real. When the men from the kitchens … acting like they owned me because they’d been kind …” She gently pushes through the Bond all the feelings from Jakku; how she’d always kept away from the others, the men in particular. Never knowing how to handle their interest, their crude propositions. He feels how this has brought it all back. She’s feeling that she was wrong to ever trust the Resistance.

 

“No, Rey, no … It’s not everyone.”

 

“After the droids … I thought … I thought I’d found somewhere to belong. A home.”

 

“You have, my love, I promise. It’s like when we fight, they don’t mean it. They’re hurt, they’re feeling betrayed. And anyway, Poe told me most people are staying out of it.”

 

“You didn’t see the way some of them looked at me. Like I was dirty, like I was worth nothing. It was like all my fears coming true all at once. That I am nothing, that I can’t trust anyone. I … I thought I’d come further than that, but I haven’t. I’m just a sand rat and that’s all I’ll ever be.”

 

“Stop, no, Rey … no. You … you are so much more than _just_ anything.”

 

She’s looking up into his eyes, looking lost and so desperately sad. He cups her cheek in his large hand and kisses her softly.

 

“At least you won’t turn on me, _you_ won’t abandon me,” she says.

 

He feels such joy at her belief in him. Then a swell of guilt over all the pain he’s brought her. He knows he will never deserve her.

 

“No, never. For as long as you’ll have me, my place is by your side. Nothing will change that.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra huge thanks to Meaghan M/Juulna who not only betas like the wind but also figured out how we're going to end this little tale! 
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who continues husband excellently.
> 
> Thank you readers, your presence, kudos, and comments brighten my day immeasurably. 
> 
> Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning. I've made some wonderful friends this way, don't be shy!
> 
> Next chapter on Friday. Can you feel the stupid brewing?


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ben Solo Pain Train is running again as scheduled, please have your tickets ready. Space Cupcake is an enormous idiot, Space Friend Zone talks sense.

The next day they brave the dining hall and it’s awful. Everyone stares and the kitchen staff refuses to serve them until Poe threatens to get an officer. There is a wide berth around where they sit. Finn and Poe sit close by, glaring at everyone. Rey’s shoulders are hunched defensively and she looks so impossibly small. Ben wants to rage and break things, wants to call out each and every person who so much as looks at Rey. He doesn’t care that he’s a pariah. It’s not so different from being feared; he’s used to this distance. But Rey is _suffering_. She had always chosen the distance in her life, but now that she’d begun to rely on these people … it’s just so cruel.

 

Ben keeps thinking that _he’s_ done this, _he’s_ the maker of this, _he_ has once again found a way to take from his darling girl. The self-loathing is closer than it has been in a long time. He thinks he was a fool for ever imagining a different path.

 

“Rey, do you want anything else?” Finn is offering to brave the line so she won’t have to.

 

“No, thank you, I’m fine.” It’s the first thing she’s said since they arrived, she’s pulled so deeply into herself. Ben wants to hold her hand, to comfort her … but he doesn’t want to exacerbate matters.

 

“Maybe I should finally give in to BB-8 and take Myla out. Give ‘em something new to talk about,” Poe muses.

 

“I’m not sure your love life is quite that exciting,” says Finn.

 

“Are you kidding? There are bets on how long I’ll stay single – I think the pot is up over 500 credits.”

 

Ben can’t help but smile at this. Nothing fazes Poe. Rey is still silent.

 

When Finn returns he looks at Ben meaningfully, catching his eye and looking towards Rey. Ben doesn’t know what he’s trying to say. He looks away.

 

\---

 

They’re in the sparring room, working on forms. They’ve only just begun to train and Rey is barely there. She’s faltering and unfocused.

 

“Rey, stop. Please, this isn’t working.”

 

“I know, I’m hopeless. You were wrong about me, Luke was wrong about me. I shouldn’t even be here.”

 

Her bleak self-abasement brings him up short.

 

“You’re just going through something difficult. It’s not a reflection of your strength or competence.”

 

“Well it feels like it is. It feels like everything's just falling apart. The other mechanics won’t even talk to me. I don’t have any ships assigned to me. They treat me like I’ve betrayed the Resistance …”

 

“Oh Rey …” He thinks again that he’s ruining her. Like she said when he first arrived … he’s ruined her. Her life. He feels like the worst sort of scoundrel. She turns into him then, holding him so tight.

 

“I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you. Tell me again that you love me, that you won’t ever leave.”

 

“I love you more than life itself and I will never, ever leave you.” But a thought races through him at this declaration. Wouldn’t she be better off without him? Wouldn’t she be happier? Isn’t that what he wants, more than anything, for her to be happy? It’s a cold, terrifying thought and he pushes it away quickly.

 

“Let’s stop training, just for today, alright? I’m sure tomorrow will be better.”

 

\---

 

But tomorrow isn’t better. Or the day after that. Or the day after _that_. And Rey is getting worse. She clings to him like a desperate, wounded animal. Love-making has become about reassurance and a way to forget. They’re as hungry as ever, but the joy is seeping out.

 

\---

 

He’s on his way to the meditation field when the Bond comes alive and Rey is broadcasting loudly. Suddenly he’s pulled into her head and he realizes she’s in the hangar, finishing up a project she found to work on. No one wants her working on their ships. Two men from the kitchens have flanked her. Ben changes direction, heading towards Rey.

 

“Always too good for us, but not for that murderer, huh Rey?” A tall, broad man admonishes. Ben can barely place his face. He thinks he’s one of the men who has been particularly troublesome.

 

“It’s none of your business.”

 

“Oh I’d say when you have the enemy in your bed that’s _everyone’s_ business. Do you laugh together over the countless bodies he’s left in his wake?” he says cruelly. “Or perhaps that’s what you like. Innocent little Jedi Rey, likes a bit of rough,” the first man taunts. The other man glares at him. Ben is moving quickly now.

 

“Please leave me alone. I’ve never done anything to you.”

 

“Maybe not, but your boyfriend sure has. If Leadership isn’t going to do the right thing and at least get him off the base then we’re sure as hell not going to stand by while he gets to play happy families. So long as you’re with him, you’re our enemy,” the first man says.

 

“Rey, listen to reason. You’re a sweet girl; you shouldn’t be mixed up with him.” The second man, quiet and kind, finally speaks. “My friend isn’t expressing himself well but we’re only worried about you. You should be with a nice man.”

 

“Oh, like one of you, who corners me?”

 

“That’s not what we mean. Can’t you see how wrong this is? You’re the next Jedi; you have responsibilities to the Resistance, to the galaxy. You can’t throw yourself away on the likes of him.”

 

“You don’t know him. None of you do.”

 

“No, Rey … _you_ don’t know _him_. Do you even know half of what he’s done? All the blood on his hands? He’s a cold-blooded killer and you shouldn’t let him anywhere near you. We’re just concerned.”

 

“I can take care of myself. I have to go.” She starts to shove past him and the first man grabs her arm. She whirls on him and pushes him with the Force. He goes flying and lands hard.

 

“You stupid little bitch,” the first man says, while the second is running to his side to help him up. Rey takes the opportunity to sprint away.

 

Ben arrives just as she’s made it out of the hangar. He pulls her into his arms and holds her close. She’s crying.

 

“Why won’t they leave me alone?” she cries. He’s moving them towards the barracks and takes her to his … _their_ room.

 

He doesn’t understand, either. People avoid him, stare at him malevolently, but they never say a word to his face. But Rey … they’ve been relentless.

 

He’s closing the door and sits them on the bed. She’s clinging to him. “I haven’t even been telling you all of it.” What? She’s been hiding things from him? He’s not sure how he feels about that.

 

“What else has been happening?”

 

“It’s constant. I’ve been keeping you out … I didn’t want you to worry.” She’s looking away.

 

“Please tell me what else has been going on?”

 

“I can’t decide which is worse. The people who hate me now, or all the false concern … like they’re saving me. Like I don’t know what I want, what’s best for _me_. A few days ago, Myla came to me. She wanted to talk, she said – just talk. She told me about her family, about how they’d been in the Hosnian system. She is … was … the oldest of seven. It’s so sad. I can’t imagine what it would be like to actually have a family that loves you and then … nothing. But when she was finished telling me she said ‘so you see why you have to stop this madness?’ I tried to explain, tried to tell her that you had nothing to do with that. But she’s hurting and she just sees the First Order when she looks at you. She was kind, but she looked so disappointed in me.” She sniffles lightly, a few tears still escaping.

 

“I’m so sorry Rey … I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this.” _Oh, but you do_ , floats through his mind.

 

“How long is it going to go on? I know everyone says it will pass, but what if it never does? What if this is what my life is from now on?” Ben is gripped by fear and such anguish. He can’t imagine what that will do to his scavenger girl. Jakku’s harshness had left its mark, but the betrayal of her Resistance family has cut her so deeply. It’s like he’s watching her Light bleed out in front of him. He knows what he should do. Has known for days now. But he is selfish and he can’t bear to face it.

 

She suddenly realizes the time and gasps, “Luke! We were supposed to be training with him this afternoon.”

 

“He’ll understand, I promise. You’re in no state to go hunting for Snoke.” His heart is breaking. He knows what he has to do now … he’s just not sure he can.

 

\---

 

He’s holding her naked body against his. She’s asleep and he can finally think things through properly. He couldn’t before; he thinks he would have just broken down with the realization that this was the last time he would feel her like this. That it was goodbye. She would have felt it through the Bond. He’d poured all of his love into her, nearly as intense as the first time. He’d pushed back the hurt and betrayal with the force of his love for her. She’d seemed almost happy as they basked in each other.

 

But now, as she slumbers, he knows what he is going to do. She deserves so much more than him. If he’s gone, the Resistance will forgive her and it will all go back to normal. She’ll have her friends, his family. Perhaps Finn will take care of her. It’s a cold and piercing thought, but he knows Finn would be good to her. He finds he can’t hate Finn any longer … he loves her, too.

 

He’ll go to the Outer Rim. He hopes that the Bond will keep Snoke out, but if he has to pay the ultimate price for Rey’s happiness, he will, gladly. Perhaps he can find a way to get to Snoke on his own. Find some way to strike at the First Order. He knows he’s just avoiding thinking about letting her go. He scoffs. He knows he won’t let her go; he’ll never let her go, not in his heart. But he’ll leave her life, and try to undo some of the damage he’s done to her.

 

He holds her so close and tears are leaking from his eyes as he suppresses his sobs. He mustn’t wake her.

 

\---

 

He’s walking her to her room so she can gather her things for the day. He knows it’s time. He won’t keep hurting her like this. He loves her too much to keep destroying her. As soon as he’s gone, her life will return to normal.

 

Once they’re in her room he says, “Rey?” She hears his tone and feels his pain in the Bond and she turns to him immediately.

  
“What is it – what’s wrong?” She’s suddenly very afraid and his throat is so tight.

 

“I think I need to leave the base.” His tone is measured, but his voice cracks.

 

“What? Why, for how long?”

 

“I can’t keep hurting you like this. Once I’m gone everything will go back to normal for you. You deserve to be happy. You said once that I’d ruined you, and I see now that it’s true.”

 

“Ben, no, you’re scaring me. You don’t mean that, you can’t mean that.” Her eyes have gone very wide and she looks terrified.

 

“I do. This is killing you by inches. I won’t do that to you. I can’t … I love you too much.” He wants so much to touch her.

 

“So you’re just going to leave me?!”

 

“No, I’m not leaving _you_ , I just … I can’t stay. No one wants me here, and as long as I’m here, you’ll suffer. I refuse to be the weapon they use against you.” He could never leave her, not really.

 

“No, Ben, please, please you can’t leave. You can’t leave me.”

 

“It’s not like that. I’ll always be yours, but you … you’ll be free.” His eyes are filling with tears and his voice is breaking.

 

“I don’t want that! Why are you doing this?” She’s getting frantic. “You can’t, Ben. You promised – you promised you’d never leave me!”

 

“ _I’m not leaving you_. I’ll always love you, always. I just can’t stand by and do nothing while your life falls apart. It’s better this way; you’ll be happy again.”

 

“If you leave this base then you are in fact leaving me. I won’t ever be happy again,” she says desperately.

 

“We’ll still have the Bond; I’ll always be with you.”

 

“No! No I don’t accept that! How can you _do_ this to me? I trusted you – you made me _trust_ you!” She shrieks with angry fury.

 

“I know, Rey, I know. But it’s the only way, can’t you see? They’ll forgive you once I’m gone and you’ll have your life again, your droids … Finn. I won’t keep hurting you. I never should have come; never done this to you. I’ve been so impossibly selfish, I see that now.”

 

“You made me love you!” she screams.

 

“I’m sorry … I never should have believed for one moment that I could have a real life. Look how my sins are raining down on you. None of this would have happened without me. I should have stayed away. I don’t deserve this life, I never did. It’s all been a dizzy, beautiful dream, but I see now that I can’t keep it. It’s all my fau-”

 

“You are not the center of the galaxy! You don’t get to choose for me. I say no – no, you don’t get to leave. You don’t get to crash into my life and make me need you like this and then _leave_. I _trusted_ you – oh _Maker_ , have I been blind?” Tears flow down their faces. “I let you in and I will never recover from this. You _have_ ruined me,“ she sobs out.

 

“You’ll heal. You’ll have the life you should have had, before I was so selfish.” His tone is pleading.

 

“You are _selfish_! You’re the most selfish person I’ve ever met!” She’s filling with anger. “I’ll never forgive you for this. I’ll hate you for this.”

 

“I know, Rey. But you’ll be happy. In time you’ll see I was right.”

 

“Happy? Happy?! You think … If you think that, then you don’t know me at all and I wish I’d never met you! You are nothing but a lying coward.” She’s vibrating in fury and pain. Suddenly she lunges and grabs the jar of stones from her bedside table.

 

“What about this? Why would you make me think I could be wanted and safe and do this to me? Why? What kind of sick pleasure does it give you to make the stupid little scavenger _love_ you like this?”

 

“No, Rey, I … I will always love you, I never lied. You’re my soul, but I can’t keep hurting you like this.”

 

She’s clutching the jar to her chest and he feels her heart shattering, her trust in him burning away.

 

“You don’t mean this, I don’t believe you. Please Ben, please don’t do this.” She’s crying hard now. “You promised – you _promised_!”

 

“I know, and I want a life with you more than anything, but not at this cost. I can’t, Rey. You’ll understand, you’ll see that this is the only way.”

 

“No, stop, stop saying these awful things.”

 

“Oh Rey … I love you, I love you, I have to protect you – from me. It will just keep happening; everything I’ve done, it will keep coming and I can’t watch my sins destroy your life. I won’t be that selfish, not anymore.”

 

She’s holding the jar with her arms wrapped around it and herself, rocking slightly. He just wants to hold her, one last time.

 

“I won’t hurt you anymore, Rey.”

 

Then he sees her eyes change and the Bond is full of ice and severance.

 

“You have hurt me more, just now, than anyone ever has, _Kylo Ren_.” And with that cold pronouncement she flings the jar at the wall next to his head and it shatters, stones and glass and his love going everywhere. She’s gone.

 

Ben stands in the middle of her room, looking at the broken glass and dozens of little pebbles and he thinks his heart might actually stop beating, it hurts so much. Great gasping sobs are pulled from him and he falls to his knees. He’s weeping, his whole body wracked with pain and guilt and he didn’t know he could hurt like this. The image of her tear stained face is all he can see. The feeling of her precious heart going to a million pieces is all he can sense.

 

He knows this is the right thing to do. Isn’t it? She’s not blocking him; he feels how much he’s hurt her and he doubts. He’s crying hard and he’s so confused. He stands and starts to pace, tears flowing freely. He can’t do this. He can’t handle all of this pain. He howls and starts punching the wall, heedless as he splits his knuckles.

 

Sobbing and bleeding, chanting Rey’s name is how Finn finds him.

 

“Solo, stop!” He just keeps hitting the wall.

 

“Solo, you have to stop!” He ignores him.

 

“Ben!” This penetrates his fog of desperate pain but he’s still pounding the wall. It’s beginning to break apart, streaked with his blood.

 

Finn grabs his arm and Ben howls, “Don’t touch me, Traitor.” But he stops his attack on the wall.

 

“That’s rich, coming from you.”

 

Ben slumps in defeat and says, “I know.”

 

This brings Finn up short, surprised as he watches all the will flow out of Ben, leaving an empty husk of a man.

 

“Solo … you can’t do this – you _shouldn’t_ do this. You can’t leave her, not after everything.”

 

“I’m not leaving her! I’m protecting her, from me. Like I always should have done. If I’d thought, if I’d known, I never would have come. I’ve been so selfish, and I don’t know what else to _do_. What’s happened, it’s killing her.”

 

“How about you stick around and prove that you’re Ben Solo and not Kylo Ren?”

 

“But the way they’re treating her …“

 

“Yeah, there are a lot of angry, stupid people here, like everywhere. But you can’t do this to her. I can’t let you.”

 

“Why would you want me to stay? I know how you feel about her.” Ben sneers.

 

“Watch it. I’m trying to help you.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because she loves you. You, not me. _You_.”

 

“Not anymore.”

 

“Maker, you _are_ dramatic. You think one fight is going to change how she feels about you? Poe said you were a little slow when it comes to people but I always thought he was exaggerating to make me feel better. But you really don’t know anything do you?”

 

Ben scowls.

 

“Look. You have to fix this. She’ll never recover if you do this. No one reached her, not really, until you. You don’t get to choose for her and I can’t _believe_ you were so stupid as to believe you could.”

 

“I just want to protect her. If that means protecting her from myself, then so be it.”

 

“ _Rey_ chooses for Rey. You better get that through your head once and for all.”

 

Ben stands in the middle of her room and let’s Finn’s words sink in.

 

“Why would you want me to stay?”

 

“Because I think … watching you two these months … I can’t pretend you don’t have something amazing just because it pisses me off. You don’t get to walk away from this, Solo. You just don’t. I won’t let you.”

 

Is Finn right? But she’s been hurting so much … because of him.

 

“I don’t deserve her.”

 

“No, you don’t. But that’s not up to you. That’s up to Rey.”

 

The Bond has gone silent; she’s blocking again. He’s so confused. He was so sure this was the right thing to do. It had seemed so clear, like it was the only possible thing he could do. But now it’s all muddled and he can’t see forward.

 

“It doesn’t matter. She’ll never forgive me.”

 

“You have an uphill battle; you’ve dug yourself a hell of a hole. But she forgave you for being a mass-murderer … I think she’ll forgive you for this. Once she calms down and realizes you were doing it for good reasons. Even if it’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen a man do. And Poe’s my best friend, so …”

 

“Where is she?” Ben asks quietly.

 

“I ran into her as she was running from here – she told me. Well, screamed and cried and I more or less figured out what had happened. She’s with your mother.”

 

“Good … good.” His mother will take care of her. “But what about how everyone is treating her? If I stay it will just go on and on.”

 

“You have the patience of a dagoba gnat. Just give it more time. Most people aren’t even talking about it anymore. I know for a fact that most of the pilots are feeling really stupid for refusing to let her work on their ships. That’s going to change soon. The guys in the kitchens are hopeless, but who cares about them? It’s already getting better – she just hasn’t seen it yet.”

 

Ben wonders if it could be true. If he’s just been the most colossal idiot. He looks at the remains of her jar of days and gasps. All of the sudden he sees what he’s truly done. How he’s destroyed her security. Will she ever trust him again? Will she ever trust _anyone_?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my absolutely tremendous beta and friend, Meaghan M/Juulna. She takes such care with this story and is always willing to hash out details. It is so much more because of her gentle nudges and punctuation wizardry.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who let me blabber on about my next story endlessly, saying 'wow!' and 'cool!' at all the right places.
> 
> Thank you readers! You are all amazing, beautiful people and I am so humbled by your choice to give this story your time. Your kudos and comments make me gleeful.
> 
> Come say 'hi' on tumblr! I always love to chat with new people, perrydowning.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Cupcake has been an idiot of galactic proportions. Space Hippie is surprisingly insightful. Space Love Jar lives to love another day. Space Carpet provides the best advice. The Interloper creeps.
> 
> Please note, I posted a one-shot from Taric Sto-Kah's POV, called the 'The Interloper'. It fleshes out his motivations a bit and you might enjoy it.

Ben looks around her room and notices he’s nearly destroyed a section of one of her walls. He’s looking at it, feeling stupid.

 

“You might want to see about getting that fixed,” Finn says.

 

Ben glares at him.

 

Ben finds a container and bends down to start picking up all the little pebbles.

 

“Why are there rocks all over her floor?”

 

“Because I failed her. Spectacularly.”

 

Finn shrugs and sighs and then he’s helping Ben collect the small stones. Soon they have them all but there are still shards of glass everywhere. Ben finds that the scene of destruction is actually rather fitting.

 

\---

 

He’s at his mother’s door. He stands for a long time, thinking. He’s afraid of what he will find. Finally, he knocks. He feels a pulse of fury through the Bond and he knows she’s still here.

 

“Ben,” his mother says as she opens the door.

 

“Mother … I need to speak with Rey.”

 

“Tell him I don’t want him to _speak_ with me. Not _ever_ again,” he hears Rey say angrily. He’s not surprised but he feels it deeply all the same.

 

“I don’t think now is a good time, Son.” His mother looks so very disappointed in him. He looks past her, hoping for a glimpse of Rey. He’s beginning to feel desperate.

 

“Please, you _have_ to let me talk to her. I was wrong, I was _so_ wrong. I didn’t see it, I _couldn’t_ see it. But Finn explained and … I just have to talk to her, I have to make this right,” he pleads. He hears a loud snort and he’s so disheartened.

 

“I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s a good idea. She doesn’t want to talk with you.” His mother steps outside and closes the door behind her, shutting him off from Rey. “Ben, I think you should go find somewhere to think. She’s not ready.”

 

He’s very frustrated and panicked. If she won’t even talk to him how is he ever going to even _begin_ to make this up to Rey?

 

“Mother, please, just a few minutes?” But his mother stands firmly in front of her door, a solid wall of protection between him and his beloved.

 

“No Ben, I’m sorry but she’s just not ready yet. You’ve hurt her very, very badly.”

 

“I didn’t mean to! I thought … I thought it was the right thing to do.”

 

“Oh Ben …”

 

“I know … I know.” He looks down and then takes a deep breath before looking up. “Will you tell her, at least, that she was right and I was wrong, so very, very wrong? Will you tell her that I love her?”

 

“Yes … yes I’ll tell her.”

 

\---

 

 

He’s sitting on a rock in the meditation field when he feels his uncle’s hand on his shoulder. “Oh Ben …”

 

Ben hangs his head. He knows he’s made another impossibly huge mistake and he doesn’t know what to do.

 

“I just wanted her to be happy again.”

 

“I know Ben, I know.” Luke sounds sad and as if all of his past experiences are with him in this moment.

 

“What am I going to do? She likely hates me now. Truly hates me.”

 

“No, she doesn’t hate you. She’ll never hate you; not really. You have, however, completely undermined her trust in you.”

 

“Does she understand, at least, why I thought I had to go?”

 

“Intellectually, yes, I think she does. Her heart, well … that’s another matter. You’ve broken her heart.”

 

Ben looks at his uncle then, his eyes full of regret. “I always hurt her, no matter what I do. Just being alive, I feel like I hurt her.”

 

“Why do you suppose I keep myself apart the way I do? Human connection is messy. It causes a great deal of pain.”

 

“Do you think she’ll speak with me?”

 

“She will. But not, I think, just yet. She needs more time.”

 

Ben scoffs at that. He feels like he’s back where he started … further even. “Well, I did it once – I can do it again. Unless … do you think I should go?”

 

“Oh, Ben … what has running away ever brought you? Ever brought any of us ...” Ben can tell Luke is talking to himself as well.

 

Ben thinks of what happened the first time he ran away. He feels like he’s learned _nothing_.

 

“I don’t know how to fix this, Uncle. If I even have the right to.”

 

“We all have the right to forgiveness. Even you.” He hears a ghost of _‘even Kylo Ren’_ echoing in his uncle’s words.

 

“Rey is doubting everything and everyone. She’s facing _her_ demons now. She has to come to terms with the reality that people fail each other. That she can’t protect herself from pain if she’s going to have anyone in her life. For years she imagined that if she had a family she would be happy – she never knew that with that connection comes vulnerability. People disappoint you.” Ben thinks about how he’s disappointed everyone who’s ever known him.

 

“You did try to leave because you wanted to protect her, were willing to sacrifice for her happiness. That does _mean_ something, and she will see it. You’ve failed her, yes. But what matters is that you pick up the pieces and keep trying. I know this because I turned my back on everything, all because I couldn’t pick up the shards of a broken dream; couldn’t face my own failure. I walked away from my sister when she needed me most. I couldn’t come to terms with the loss, couldn’t find it in myself to keep going. I don’t imagine I’ll ever make it as far as you already have.” Luke’s eyes are kind and his tone aching.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I’m not blind to how I failed you, my boy. And yet you still reached out to me. You’re sitting here letting me counsel you. I just ran away. You’ve always been strong, Ben. You’re like iron: tough and true and you’ll take it all until it breaks you. And even then you’ve found a way to meld the pieces back together.”

 

Ben is overwhelmed by his uncle’s words. He thinks he’s _strong_? No, he’s always been so weak …

 

“I know you think you’re weak, but you’re not. You simply feel everything. But that’s what makes you so strong – you feel it and you keep going. I know life … the act of living has always been deeply painful for you. But you’ve never given up. You’ve kept searching and trying to find a way to your true self. And I think you have, now. I’m … proud of you, Ben. I should have told you that a long time ago.”

 

Ben can’t speak; he’s so stunned by what he’s hearing. Proud of him? How is that even possible?

 

“But … everything I’ve done … all those people, Uncle, all those people …” Ben looks away, not wanting to see the horror in his uncle’s eyes.

 

“I know I failed you, Ben. I know it. I know that we all did. We left you vulnerable to a predator. I know you were just a boy. I know that some of that blood is on my hands, too. But you’re finding a way to live with it; I see that you are. You wake every day and use your gifts to right the wrongs you can. You’re a fierce light and you burn so brightly. You cannot undo what you did. But I think you’re finding a way to balance the scales.”

 

“No. There will never be that balance; not like that. I’ve accepted that atonement isn’t real. Only what comes next. If I saved a billion people all of those others would still be dead. No, all I can do is be the man Rey sees … _saw_. She told me once that I am worthy … and I want to try to redeem myself in her eyes.”

 

“You’ve not fallen so far, Ben. What you share … I’ve never seen the like. It will be alright.”

 

“Truly, Uncle?”

 

“Yes, Ben. Truly.”

 

\---

 

He’s getting ready for bed when he slips a small pebble into the container by his bed. He hears it clink against the other stones and he smiles sadly.

 

\---

 

Clink. Another stone.

 

\---

 

And another.

 

\---

 

He sees her in the hall outside her room and he starts to speak but she just looks right through him and keeps walking.

 

\---

 

He’s with his mother in her quarters. They’ve just finished dinner.

 

“Sto-Kah has asked to speak with you,” Leia says.

 

Ben looks up sharply. “I’m not sure that’s a very good idea.”

 

“It’s your choice. His trial begins in two weeks.”

 

“I’ll think about it.”

 

Ben sits at his mother’s table, trying to keep himself from asking the only thing he wants to know.

 

“How is she?” He can’t keep the words in anymore.

 

Leia sighs and puts her hand over his. “She’s hurting. But you know that.”

 

The Resistance has softened to her again. Rey is working double shifts to keep up with the influx of requests. He suspects it’s also an attempt to avoid him.

 

“I don’t know what to do. I’ve been so very stupid.”

 

“Someday you’re going to have to learn to stop following every idea that takes hold of you. Why didn’t you come to me when you got it in your head you needed to leave?”

 

“I don’t know. I just … I couldn’t let them keep hurting her like they were.” He thinks that at least it’s easier for her, now that she won’t speak to him. The Resistance has accepted her now that they have parted.

 

“It never occurred to you that you might have meant more to her than them?” Ben is brought up short by this. No, of course not. He’s … _him_.

 

“She was so much happier before I came.”

 

“Perhaps … if you look at it from a certain perspective.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“She was … content. But not happy. Not the way you make her happy. _Made_ her happy.” Leia looks very sad. “Ben … she loves you. You are her real family. Not us, not the base. We’re her friends, but you … you were … _are_ her heart.”

 

He looks at the ceiling. What an impossible mess he’s created.

“She saved me, Mother. She saved me and look what I’ve done. All I ever do is destroy.”

 

“Oh Ben, no, that’s not true.”

 

“Really, Mother?” He looks incredulous.

 

Leia is silent at that. Her eyes say it all.

 

“See? It’s true. Maker, ever since Snoke got me, all I’m good for is ripping things apart.”

 

“No, you’re so much more than that. You just … got lost.” His mother has never asked him about his time with the First Order. It’s almost as if she prefers to imagine he was simply away for a long time.

 

He remembers what Rey said. That his mother should know what Snoke … did. He thinks that if he had learned to reach out, to seek guidance, that Rey would be waiting for him right now. That he would be in her arms so very soon. He decides it’s time to follow someone else’s advice, for once.

 

“Mother … there are some things I need to tell you.

 

\---

 

Leia is frozen. She hadn’t spoken a word as he told her of the Temple, of the beatings. He left out his shameful first experience, however. She didn’t need to know about that to comprehend his former life.

 

Finally, she speaks, “Ben … how can you ever forgive me?”

 

“Forgive you? No, there’s nothing to forgive. I made those choices. It was me.”

 

“No, no! I … you were right. We should have seen; we should have tried to rescue you. I should have known you’d never have done … _that_. I should have known … I … oh, Son …” Leia looks as if she’s seen solar systems born and die. He’s never seen her look so _weary_.

 

“I can never make this up to you. How I _failed_ you. Oh, my precious boy … I am _so_ sorry.” She moves to him then and puts her arms around him. He’s sitting and she’s so much smaller than him that his head is at her shoulder. He embraces her.

 

“Does … does Rey know?” Leia asks.

 

“Yes. She’s the one who said I should tell you. She said you needed to know; that I needed you to know. Maybe I did. I’m not sure.”

 

“She was right. Force, Ben … that you ever trusted me enough to reach out to me ... I know you’ve done … awful things … but your heart, it is so _good_.” Ben tightens his arms around her and hopes that it might be true.

 

\---

 

He’s walking past the hangar when he feels eyes on him. He turns and sees Rey. She suddenly looks away, caught looking at him. He hesitates, and then walks to her.

 

“Rey.”

 

“No, please. Just leave me alone.” She looks like a cornered animal.

 

“Rey, I’m so sorry, I was wrong – I was so _very_ wrong.” He’s desperate for her.

 

“I can’t talk to you. I just can’t. Please leave me alone.” She’s holding herself as if she wants to reach for him, holding her hands firmly behind her back. Not touching her is killing him.

 

“I only wanted to protect you; I never wanted to hurt you,” he pleads. The Bond is cold and he misses her so much.

 

“I know, I do … but I just _can’t_ , I’m sorry. Please, please just don’t talk to me. It hurts too much and I _can’t_.” She turns away and walks quickly out of the hangar.

 

Ben stands there, looking after her. He’s quite sure he’s watching his heart walk away. He feels a large furry paw cuff him upside the head.

 

< _Stupid. Just like your father_ ,> Chewie howls.

 

“I know! I know I was wrong and I know I’ve ruined it all.”

 

< _No. Sunshine will see. Just stop being stupid._ >

 

Ben stands there, completely unmoored. If she won’t speak to him, what else can he do? “I don’t know what to do, Chewie.”

 

< _Wait. She will come to you_. > And, with that, Chewie strides away.

 

\---

 

He’s walking in the forest when he sees a perfectly round pebble with streaks of yellow. He thinks of Rey and puts it in his pocket.

 

\---

 

Clink.

 

\---

 

This one is blue – he doesn’t think it comes from D’Qar.

 

\---

 

He drops another pebble in the jar and turns over to try to sleep. He knows it will come to nothing; that he will spend the night in helpless _longing_.

 

\---

 

“Ben.” He’s not paying any attention to the briefing. He’s losing his bearings and his work is suffering.

 

“Ben!” the General calls.

 

“Uhm, yes, sorry, what?”

 

“The Lieutenant just asked you about the plausibility of a tactical hit on the First Order base on Lenn.”

 

He’s slipping badly; he knows he is. He’s not keeping it together at all well. He flails, just needing Rey. He’s constantly consumed by his fear that she will never look at him again; that she will never let him touch her. That he will be a ghost of a man and live a life of ‘what if’. That he is _again_ the agent of his own misery.

 

“I … I’m sorry – could you repeat the mission specifications?”

 

“You’re no use to us like this. Go take a walk; come back when you can focus.”

 

He feels like an errant boy, scolded by his mother in front of his colleagues. But she’s right. He knows she’s right.

 

“My apologies.” He leaves the briefing room, walking stiffly.

 

\---

 

He wakes up angry. He barely sleeps, aching for Rey. He hasn’t felt anything from the Bond in days. She’s so good at blocking him out now. He knows he is the maker of all of it, but he’s beginning to fray. He castigates himself constantly. How could he have _ever_ done this to Rey? Now that he sees how myopic he’d been, he’s consumed with his own idiocy. He sees so very clearly how he has hurt her in the worst way he could. How he took her trust and love and smashed it just as surely as she threw her jar of days at the wall. And just like that jar, he fears it can never be mended.

 

It’s not the absence of the glory of joining with her that rips him apart. It’s the quiet times after, when she was in his arms and he knew that he was hers, and she was his, that haunt him, stalk him. Turning every night into an onslaught of regret and aching, constant _need_. He thought wanting her from afar, through the Bond, had been the worst sort of torment, but he sees that he knew _nothing_ of wanting. Now he _knows_ what he has lost.

 

He tries to hold on to his family’s words of comfort and reassurance. They’re all so positive that this will resolve itself; that she will forgive him. But then he remembers her face as he destroyed her trust and he can’t believe in forgiveness. He was the first person she’d ever truly trusted and he had taken that trust and turned it on her, stabbed her clean through with it. He’s reminded of Snoke, of how he’d believed so strongly that he was making the right choice only to find it turn to ashes and dust and pain.

 

Pain. This is a new kind of pain. He hadn’t realized there were more ways to _hurt_. More ways to flay his soul and scour his heart. He thought he’d found them _all_.

 

And so he is angry today.

 

\---

 

He’s standing outside of Sto-Kah’s cage.

 

They regard each other in silence until finally Ben speaks. “You wished to have words with me?”

 

Sto-Kah looks at him for a long time with his too-pale eyes that see far more than they should. “I hear that you’ve managed to lose her all by yourself. And I wonder.”

 

Ben says nothing. He’s realizing this was a mistake.

 

“I wonder if it would hurt you more now to watch her life seep out of her, knowing that she hates you.”

 

“She doesn’t hate me.” Please let Uncle’s words be true.

 

“Oh, Kylo Ren … really now. Let there be only truth between us. Who truly knows you better than your enemy, hmm?”

 

Ben says nothing.

 

“I hear that you broke her heart; tried to leave her. I would never have left my Set. Perhaps I was mistaken. Perhaps you do not love her at all.”

 

Ben slams the cage and growls, “Do not speak to me of love.”

 

“Ah, I see. You thought to _protect_ her. It’s too late for that. You’ve stained her with your filthy hands and your sins drip from her now. She will never be clean.”

 

Ben can barely control himself, hearing all the whisperings of his darkest fears given voice. He wants to rip this man in two.

 

“You’re wrong. She cleanses everything she touches. Even me.”

 

“I imagine you’d like to believe that. But it matters not, now. She’ll never touch you again. Perhaps I was too hasty in dismissing her …”

 

Ben feels a fury building in his chest. Sto-Kah will never have the chance to touch Rey – not a second time.

 

“You will not see her ever again. I’ll make sure of that.”

 

Taric laughs – a high, terrifying laugh with no mirth.

 

“Don’t worry, _Kylo Ren_. I would never tarnish my Set’s memory so. Not with your leavings.”

 

Ben knows that he says these things to rile him; to keep him off balance. And it’s working.

 

“What did you want to say to me when you asked to speak with me?”

 

“I simply wanted to see your face; see what it’s cost you to lose her. It pleases me to see you brought low.”

 

“That was all? To gloat? No attempt to better your situation, to find a way out of this? Just … pettiness?”

 

“Is it petty to wish to see one’s enemy in pain? I do not believe so.”

 

“Then this is a waste of my time.” Ben turns to leave.

 

“You know it does not matter that she has turned from you. I will _still_ take her from you. And I think that this will hurt you even more. Knowing that she died with her heart cold to you. I find I like this very much … _very_ much indeed.”

 

Ben walks from the cell and does not look back.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Empress Beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. She kept me sane during a wild and woolly weekend of in-laws while also being the most marvelous beta on the Internet.
> 
> Thank you to Mr. Downing, who is trying to learn how to fanfic. "So, your new story, you're just looking at the same characters from a totally different perspective ... but I just got used to them all in 'He Knows'... And you're just going to keep pivoting, aren't you?" He patiently read the first chapter and is trying to make his brain work differently.
> 
> Thank you wonderful readers! I am so happy you choose to give your time to this story, your reads, kudos, and comments are so very lovely.
> 
> Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning!


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Space Queen forgive Space Cupcake? Then Space Carpet makes me cry. Also, there's another lovely piece of art from Aurora Lynne at the end of the chapter.

He’s in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering if he’ll sleep at all tonight. He considers just getting up, accepting that there will be no rest tonight, when he hears a soft knock at his door. He feels the Bond come alive with tentative touches and he gasps at the feeling of _her_. He’s at the door in an instant.

 

She looks awful. She’s pale and there are dark circles under her eyes. He just looks at her, soaking in the feeling of _Rey_. It’s agonizing how much he needs to hold her.

 

“I can’t sleep,” she says. He doesn’t know what to say.

 

“I … no … neither can I.”

 

He sees she doesn’t really know what she’s doing either.

 

“I … I haven’t slept, since … not really.”

 

“I … understand.” He’s so happy she’s here and he’s desperate not to scare her away.

 

“Uhm. Could I come in?” He feels stupid for not inviting her in immediately. It just never occurred to him that she wouldn’t know she was welcome.

 

“Of course, always … I hope you know that.”  She nods slightly.

 

They stand awkwardly in the center of his room and he’s painfully aware that the only place for them both to sit is the bed. Their bed.

 

He looks into her eyes and reaches for her hand, slowly, gently. She lets him. He leads her to the bed and they sit together, almost touching. He keeps her hand in his. Feeling her again, he wants to pull her down and hold her as close as he can. He feels the tears –the tears that always threaten to fall since he rent them apart –burn his eyes. He feels her let just a bit of herself through the Bond. He feels that she’s ached, too. He feels her conflict and her fear.

 

“I don’t really know why I’m here,” she says quietly.

 

“I’m so glad that you are.”

 

“You … how could you _do_ that to me?” She sounds hurt and accusatory.

 

Ben closes his eyes and feels the guilt run through him, snagging on all his broken places.

 

“I was _so_ wrong Rey. I … I don’t know how to explain. I’m so sorry. I just … I just wanted to protect you.”

 

“When will you stop doing that?”

 

“Doing what?”

 

“Trying to protect me; trying to choose for me.” Ben is startled by this. Choose for her … no, he would never take away her free will. This was nothing like that. Was it? He thinks and realizes that he _did_ decide what to do without ever discussing it with her, presenting it as final. Perhaps if he had talked with her, instead of informing her, this all would have been avoided. He sees, oh how he _sees_. Maker, he’ll never get it right, never.

 

“I … you’re right, Rey. You’re right. I did do that. I didn’t see it that way at the time, but I do now. I should have talked to you instead of deciding for you.”

 

“Yes, you should have. You really hurt me.”

 

“I know … I know I did, oh Rey, my love. Please let me fix this.”

 

“I don’t know that you can.” Oh, that hurts. Has he wrecked this forever? Will he have to spend his days living this half-life?

 

They’re silent, holding hands. She leans over and puts her head on his shoulder and his breath is caught in his throat. He’s held in a place of terror and want and desperate, furious love. Slowly, so slowly, he puts his arm around her. She flows into him and suddenly they’re wrapped around each other tightly.

 

“Oh Ben …” she breathes out.

 

He’s blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay. He just holds her as close as he can and feels how amazing it is to have her in his arms again. He’s missed her so, _so_ much. He waits for her to inevitably pull away. But she stays, and he is so very grateful.

 

They stay like that for a long time, just holding each other. Neither speaks and she lets the Bond open up and he feels her. He feels how she wanted to forgive him as soon as he’d seen reason, how she’d struggled with her feelings of betrayal and her love for him. How she’d watched him surreptitiously, remembering his arms around her. How she’d talked with Leia for hours and trained hard with Luke. How Chewie would silently work with her, a comfort because he understood what it was to love Ben and not be able to reconcile that love with the pain.

 

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers in her hair.

 

“I love you, Ben. I miss you so much. It’s like being ripped apart every day. But … how can I ever trust you again?”

 

“I don’t know,” he says hollowly.

 

“You promised,” she says in a very small voice, full of child-like accusation.

 

“I know I did. And I meant it – I mean it. I … didn’t want to leave you. My heart, my soul … they never _could_ leave you. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I had completely lost perspective. I just needed to stop hurting you.”

 

“So you decided to do the one thing you promised never to do? Do you understand, really understand, what it did to me to have you want to leave? To _leave_? I understand now that you didn’t mean leave _me_ , not exactly. But … but to a lonely little girl abandoned on Jakku, it was the same thing. You wanted to _leave me,_ Ben. You. The first person I’ve _ever_ trusted. The first person I ever let _in_. And then all of my nightmares came true. All I’m good for is leaving. No one will ever want me, not enough to keep me.”

 

His voice cracks as he says, “I won’t ever do that again. I know my promises mean nothing, but please let me try. Let me show you. I won’t ever leave you, never again. And I know the damage is done, but I never did leave. I stayed.”

 

“You won’t just decide to do what you think is best for me again? What if something else from your past comes up?”

 

“No, Rey. I promise I’ll talk to you. I won’t … I won’t decide for you again. I’ll talk to you. You’re the only person I’ve ever really talked to. Well, until recently.”

 

She pulls back and looks up at him. She traces his jaw with her fingers. The feeling of her hand on his face makes him shudder. “Until recently?”

 

“I … I told my mother about Snoke. About what happened. What he did. To me.”

 

She smiles at this, her eyes filling with that warmth he’s missed so very much. “Good. I’m proud of you.”

 

He pulls her back to him, tucking her head under his chin. “You were right. I think perhaps you’re always right.”

 

“Don’t forget it.” Her teasing tone fills him with hope for the first time since he’d broken everything with his thoughtless stupidity.

 

“Will you stay with me tonight?” He’s so afraid to ask this, but he’s learning to live with how vulnerable she makes him.

 

“Oh. I … I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.”

 

“To sleep. Just to sleep. You don’t know how I’ve _missed_ you.”

 

“Don’t I?” She’s quiet for a long time. He just holds her and waits.

 

“Alright. Just to sleep.”

 

He shifts them then and she’s back in that spot, where she fits perfectly against him. The Bond is flowing freely and he feels her cautious hope.

 

“It will be alright, Rey. Everything is going to be alright.”

 

“Really, Ben?”

 

“Yes, really.”

 

They close their eyes and _drift_.

 

\---

 

He wakes up to her watching him, having shifted in the night so she’s facing him, her pert nose nearly touching his. Her eyes are roaming over his face and she looks mesmerized.

 

“Hello,” she says.

 

“Hello,” he says back.

 

She leans forward ever so slightly and brushes her lips against his and it’s like a spark has travelled between them and suddenly they’re kissing passionately, whimpering, gasping and pulling at each other’s clothes, moving  as close as they can, grinding desperately against each other. Then they both realize and slow down, kissing gently until they pull back.

 

“I didn’t mean to get so carried away,” she says.

 

“No, I … neither did I.” He’s very aware of the painful straining against his night clothes. Clearly ‘missing Rey’ was an all-encompassing state.

 

She’s looking unsure and embarrassed and he must chase it away and bring back their closeness. He must coax her back.

 

He reaches up and strokes her cheek and says, “We’ll go slow, just like before. Wait until you trust me again.”

 

“Thank you, Ben. I want to trust you. I know you were only trying to do what you thought was best for me. But … I didn’t know I could hurt like that and it terrifies me. Then I realized I’d rather take the chance of the pain than to go on without you. I … oh Ben, I missed you so much. So _much_.” She’s holding onto him tightly. He strokes along her back gently. He’s so happy that she’s here.

 

“We will never be parted again. I will make sure of it,” Ben swears.

 

“I … I want to believe you, I truly do,” she says into his chest.

 

“Oh, my darling girl, you can. You’ll see; I’ll prove it to you. Every day, I’ll prove it to you.”

 

\---

 

They’re walking to breakfast when they hear a loud, “Whoop!” and a muttered, “Finally.” They turn and see Poe and Finn walking towards them.

 

“At least it didn’t take two months this time!” Poe says cheerfully.

 

Ben just looks at him and Rey looks at the ground.

 

“Seriously, you guys have gotta stop doing the push-me, pull- you dance. It’s exhausting. No one can keep up!” Poe is enjoying this far too much.

 

Finn steps forward and looks at Ben meaningfully and says, “I’m glad you made the right choice, Solo.”

 

“There never was a choice to make, not really … Finn.” It’s the first time he’s used his name out loud. Both men seem a bit startled. Rey smiles one of her impossibly beautiful smiles and her Light shines so brightly. Ben knows that he is the luckiest man alive because she has let him back in her life.

 

\---

 

They’ve had to spend the day apart; she had a busy day in the hangar and things are heating up with the Resistance, so his expertise was needed. All he wanted to do was be with her. The day was interminable. They’re back in his room and he’s overwhelmed by the knowledge he’ll be able to hold her all through the night.

 

She’s coming out of the ‘fresher when she sees him drop today’s stone in the container in a drawer in his bureau. He’d moved it from the bedside, not quite ready to admit he’d carried on her ritual.

 

“What’s that?” Well, he’s caught now.

 

“I … well you see …” He decides to just show her. He takes the jar from the drawer and puts it in her hands.

 

“My … days.” She sounds confused and a little sad. “But, there are stones in here I don’t recognize.”

 

“No, you wouldn’t. I put a stone in for every day we were apart, because I couldn’t bear for there to be any missing days. Because I love you – I will always love you.”

 

“Oh Ben …” Her eyes are bright with tears. “I have something to show you.” She goes to her pack and withdraws a small, soft bag and puts it in his hand. He tips the contents out and finds a collection of pebbles.

 

“I couldn’t bear to miss a day either, so I kept a stone for each day, hoping you still loved me. And then it became about counting the days that I love _you_.”

 

He doesn’t know what to say. This tangible, physical embodiment of their connection is almost too much.

 

“Well … perhaps we should combine them? We’ll start counting days together. A stone from each of us, for each day that we love and are loved?”

 

She smiles up at him and nods. Together they add her stones to the new jar of days and they wrap themselves around each other. He closes his eyes and just feels how perfect she is, fitted tightly against him. He promises to himself that he will never lose her again; not even for a day. There will be no more awful fights and destructive distance; not if he can help it. He will finally learn to _think_. He has to. This is too important.

 

\---

 

They’re in the sparring room and she’s on fire – he’s beginning to think she might win this round. Her senses are sharp, her reflexes keen. She’s anticipating everything he throws at her and is managing to land quite a few of her blows. He’s certain he’ll have bruises and he’s filled with pride.

 

All of a sudden he’s on his back and she’s straddling him, her knees at his shoulders and … oh, she’s so close and he can catch the scent of her and, oh stars, she’s aroused. He feels himself respond immediately and the charge in the air shifts from violence to passion in an instant. She moves herself down his body, dragging her breasts along his chest and she’s holding him down by the wrists and kissing him fiercely. He moans into her mouth and bucks up, grinding himself against her center. She pushes back and they’re fighting a very different fight, one he is only too happy to lose.

 

They tangle and kiss and she finally lets his hands go. They roam up and down her body, reacquainting himself with her glorious curves and her soft skin. He puts his hands under her shirt, stroking up her back and then under her bindings, feeling those perfect breasts. Oh he’s missed her so much. But he won’t take her here, on the floor of the sparring room – it’s not right, somehow. He gentles his passion and she makes a noise of annoyance.

 

“No Rey, not here, not like this. Not yet, at any rate.” He smiles at her.

 

She pouts, but nods. “You’re right … I know you’re right.”

 

He kisses her gently one last time and she moves off of him, gracefully pulling herself to her feet. She’s been doing exceptionally well at training. Their time apart filled her with a certain fierceness and even Luke seems to have risen to the occasion, showing her increasingly advanced techniques.

 

“Shall we move to our sabers?” he asks as he stands.

 

With a feral grin she says, “Oh yes.”

 

\---

 

He’s walking to another meeting when he feels Chewie’s arms come around him, holding him tight.

 

“What? Chewie, what is it?”

 

< _The Princess told me. I am sorry Little Ben_ >

 

He’s suddenly filled with a riot of confused and tangled emotions. He’s not sure he wants Chewie to know what happened to him. It’s too close to his father knowing his shame. How he bent. How he _broke_. He knows Rey says he shouldn’t be ashamed, but he is; he thinks he always will be. He barely recognizes what he became and he regrets it so bitterly.

 

Chewie is still holding on, and Ben hugs him back. It feels so good to hug Chewie again, years of warmth and comfort in the feel of his long fur. He remembers so much, these feelings precious to him.

 

Chewie pulls back and pats him on the head gruffly.

 

< _We should have come. Your father would regret this_. >

 

“I … my father. I miss him, Chewie. Every day I miss him.”

 

His head cocked to the side, Chewie looks at Ben for a long time. < _Your father gambled, usually lost. This time he won_. > And with that, Chewie is walking away again. Ben is overwhelmed. Could Chewie forgive him someday? He hopes – oh, he _hopes_.

 

\---

 

They’re in bed, holding each other, kissing slowly. He’s so grateful to have her back in his arms, back in their bed, back in his life. He’ll never let her go. Soon, he thinks … soon he’ll ask her. Ask her to be his, forever.

 

\---

This beautiful piece is by [Aurora Lynne](http://auroralynne.tumblr.com/).

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the ever impressive Meaghan M/Juulna. I am truly lucky to have such a thorough, thoughtful, and talented beta. Have I mentioned y'all should check out her stuff? It's awesome. She also commissioned the gorgeous picture at the end of this chapter as a birthday present for me. See? The Best.
> 
> Thank you Aurora Lynne for creating a truly magnificent piece of art for this chapter.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who allowed Siri to read us the latest chapters on a car ride so he'd be caught up. Then he let me go on and on for most of the trip, talking plot points and ideas for new fic. He even came up with a truly awesome bit of headcannon.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who is reading, kudo'ing, and commenting. I love hearing from you and if you visit me on tumblr (perrydowning), you'll find I'm quite the chatterbox.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's so great to have our lil' Space Pastries back together, isn't it? Oh, hey there Interloper, wassup?

He wakes slowly; he’s very confused. His head is muddled and he can’t quite focus. Rey is gone. He sits up in bed, his head swims, and he looks around.

 

“Rey?”

 

“Rey?!”

 

She’s not here. Then he sees it, scrawled across the wall: “Find Me.”

 

He reaches for the Bond but barely feels her, she’s so muted. His neck is hurting and he realizes they’ve been drugged. Sto-Kah. It has to be the Interloper. He’s _taken_ Rey, and Ben is filled with such terror it almost makes him sick. He’s on his feet and has to catch himself on the bed, he’s so woozy.

 

He pulls his boots on, grabs his saber, and makes his way to the brig. He goes as fast as he can, his head clearing. Soon he’s running; he has to get to her. He _must_ find Rey.

 

He finds chaos and his mother.

 

“Sto-Kah has escaped!” she says, her eyes wide and frightened.

 

“I know – he has Rey! He drugged us and he’s got her. I have to go find them!” He’s panicked and afraid in a way he’s never been before. This is a fear that obliterates every other feeling. His head is filled with horrific imaginings; all of Sto-Kah’s promises growing in his head, bearing terrible fruit. Rey ...

 

“You can’t go alone!”

 

“I’m not waiting, I’m leaving, _now_. I can find her through the Bond.” There will be no stopping him. He has to get to her. Now.

 

“Just give me a few minutes; take a squad with you!”

 

“There’s no time – he’s going to kill her!” His mother is holding onto his arm, trying to keep him there.

 

Just then Finn and Poe arrive.

 

“Where’s Rey?” Finn asks worriedly.

 

“Sto-Kah has her. I have to go.” Ben is striding towards the forest; he knows she’s out there, somewhere.

 

“Well we’re coming with you,” Finn says. He and Poe are already taking up the blasters offered by the remaining guards. He’s not sure how many, but Ben can tell that some are missing. Another piece of the puzzle sliding into place. Sto-Kah’s guards. They miscalculated just how much Kylo Ren is hated, clearly. He doesn’t stop; he knows his mother will handle this. He has only one priority.

 

“Fine, just don’t slow me down.”

 

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Poe says.

 

Ben stops for a moment, closes his eyes, and feels for the Bond. There … there she is. He’s taken her to her clearing. How did the Interloper even know about that? He really _did_ watch her closely.

 

“Come on. I know where she is.”

 

\---

 

They enter the clearing to find Rey unconscious, stretched out on the forest floor, her head lolling to one side and blood flowing from a split lip. Taric stands in front of her, looking at Ben as if he is the only man in existence. His eyes don’t even flick to Poe or Finn. Three of Sto-Kah’s guards and a dozen other men are flanking him, their blasters trained on Ben, Poe, and Finn. Clearly Sto-Kah had been busy, sowing seeds within the minds of discontented Resistance fighters.

 

“Sto-Kah!” Ben bellows. He ignites his lightsaber, ready to fight.

 

“Ah, Kylo Ren. I’m so pleased you received my invitation. What do you think of your party favor?” He gestures to Rey and grins wickedly.

 

“What have you done to her?”

 

“She came to while I was bringing her here. She fought. I’m stronger.”

 

She’s so pale and Ben is transfixed by the darkness of her blood against her pale skin in the moonlight. It is a clear night and the moons are so bright that it seems as if it’s twilight.

 

“Now, Kylo Ren. You have a choice to make. Submit easily and I will kill her quickly. Fight me, and she’ll die slowly. Painfully.”

 

“No way, freak – you aren’t touching her!” Poe yells.

 

“You are outnumbered; we could kill you all where you stand. In fact …” Fast as a viper, Taric pulls a blaster and shoots at Finn. Ben is faster and redirects the bolt into the leg of one of the kitchen staff. He howls in agony and Ben smiles savagely.

 

“Do not make the same mistake I made – don’t underestimate me, Sto-Kah.”

 

Sto-Kah’s eyes burn with fury and he says to his men, “Pick her up. Hold her so he can see her.” They do as he bids and two men go to either side of her to haul her up. She’s like a rag doll, her head hanging awkwardly and her limbs dangling loosely. Ben sees a bruise blooming on her cheek and an abrasion on her neck and he knows that he’s going to kill this man tonight. He does not care about justice. He does not care that he’s changed his ways. Tonight he will be Kylo Ren and he will take his vengeance in blood and pain.

 

Taric walks behind her and places an arm around her neck. Ben sees a wicked dagger glinting in the moonlight. He’s so tense and afraid. He wants to kill them all.

 

“Tonight I avenge my Set and take your love from you. How will it go, I wonder?” He pulls a syringe out of his pocket and roughly jabs Rey with it. Soon she’s coming around. He holds the knife to her throat – one cut and she’d be gone in moments.

 

“Wha- … what?” Rey’s eyes are opening and she’s trying to take it all in. She jerks suddenly and the knife slices along her throat, a thin line of blood appearing. She gasps at the unexpected pain and her eyes open fully. She sees it all and starts to struggle against the three men holding her. One holds each arm and Sto-Kah is behind her with the knife at her throat. She’s cornered. Even if she wasn’t disoriented from the drugs, Taric’s knife at her throat leaves her with no options.

 

“Rey,” Ben breathes. Through the Bond he says, “It will be alright. I’m here, I’ve got you.”

 

“I’m going to fight, try to push one of them away with the Force.” she says back, keeping their communication a secret.

 

“No, the risk is too great. As soon as you do anything he’ll slice your throat and you’ll bleed out in an instant. Please let me handle this.”

 

“I’m not just going to stand here and wait for you to rescue me.”

 

“Darling, now is not the time. I’m begging you. Just hold still. I promise we’ll work together. He doesn’t know about the Bond.”

 

“Fine.” He’s filled with hope that her fire is burning so brightly.

 

“What shall it be, Kylo Ren? Will I slice her apart, bit by bit, piece by piece? Or will you come quietly and she dies clean?”

 

“Just let her go and you can have me.”

 

“I have promises to fulfill. How do you think I got out? You see, everyone here has a reason to see you suffer. I’ve promised that I’ll do just that in exchange for their help. So, choose.” He takes the knife and slowly draws it across her cheek. Rey keeps her silence as the blood drips from down her face. Ben is frantic.

 

“Please, stop hurting her. Just let her go, please – I’ll do anything you want. Just let her go.”

 

“Yes, do keep begging. I like it very much.”

 

“You can have me, I won’t fight.” His head blooms with incoherent screams as Rey lets it be known that this is unacceptable to her. “No, Ben, you can’t, you mustn’t let him have you. I won’t let you die to protect me. Please don’t leave me,” she says through their connection. It hurts him to do, but he blocks the Bond. He will do whatever it takes to see her safe.

 

Ben takes his saber and throws it to the ground at Sto-Kah’s feet. “There, a gesture of good faith. Now please let her go.”

 

“She is a lovely little thing. Perhaps … perhaps I could let her live. If you promise that you’ll be a good boy.”

 

“Yes, I promise, anything – just let her go.”

 

Sto-Kah cocks his head to the side, thinking. A strange smile crosses his face and he says, “You, Dameron and your friend, come here. I’ll give her to you and Kylo Ren will kneel. Make your peace now, murderer.”

 

Slowly, Ben goes to his knees and he’s surrounded by several of Sto-Kah’s compatriots. They hold blasters at his head. Ben watches as they drag Rey towards Poe and Finn. She’s struggling and screaming. “No, Ben, no don’t do this, please. I can’t lose you, please Ben, please.” But he stays silent, on his knees, hoping that Sto-Kah will keep his word. He watches her and she’s crying and he loves her so much.

 

Just as Sto-Kah is about to hand her to Finn – so fast that Ben doesn’t realize what has happened until it’s too late – he plunges the knife right into her chest. Her eyes bulge and her mouth opens and blood trickles from her lips. Finn and Poe catch her as she falls, gently laying her on the ground. Poe is silent, but Finn is sobbing, “Rey, Rey, Rey.”

 

“No!” Ben roars. “Rey, no Rey!” He’s moving towards her, paying no attention to the men with blasters. He just has to get to her. With one mighty Force push the men scatter, and Ben is by her side.

 

Sto-Kah is laughing; a hysterical, mad sound. “You thought I’d let her live while my Set lies cold?”

 

Ben strokes her cheek. “Rey, please, Rey, you can’t leave …” Her eyes flutter as she tries to look at him, she’s trying to speak but she can’t. He watches as the light fades in her eyes. He feels her leaving the Bond, feels her Light dimming and then he can’t feel … anything. She’s gone. He’s flooded with Darkness. He stands and turns towards Sto-Kah. His eyes are black with hatred and despair.

 

Heartbreak for Ben is not like it is for other men. It is a rending of worlds; the destruction of suns. He felt her leave and without her precious Light to guide him he is cracked wide open and the Dark rushes in, howling and dancing in his fragile soul. Licking and tasting, feasting on his bleeding heart. Its claws feel like home as they tear him asunder. He feels the Dark curling through his blood, thick and molten. It rushes through him, an old friend he hadn’t realized he had missed. The sheer power of his loathing and his pain riots through his system. Taking control and giving him all the strength and freedom he needs. His grief builds as the pulse of his fury ratchets higher and higher. The Dark is so strong in him now; he’s never felt it like this. Pure Darkness. There is no Light. His Light is dead and he is deep in the Dark Side.

 

He holds out his hand and his saber flies into his outstretched palm, moving so quickly that it can barely be seen. He ignites it and twirls it experimentally. The Dark is coming off of him in waves and Poe and Finn look on in fear and awe.

 

He advances on Sto-Kah, each stalking step speaking of the death he will bring this man. Sto-Kah’s men shrink back. The Interloper himself just grins and ignites his saber, and readies for the fight. They circle each other, and then Ben lunges, striking hard, using the Force to assist. Sto-Kah stumbles and looks afraid for the first time. He blocks Ben’s next blow but soon he’s retreating, scrambling back as Ben pushes forward, striking again and again, his eyes dark and dead.

 

Ben isn’t there anymore; Ben was Rey’s and now there is nothing but hate and rage, anguish and suffering. And Sto-Kah will feel it all.

 

Sto-Kah just barely avoids a killing blow that would have taken his head as he uses the Force to push Ben back, but it only just moves him enough to keep Sto-Kah from dying in that moment. Ben is fierce and strong and Sto-Kah looks like a man who realizes he’s made a grave error. He twists again, dodging another ferocious blow, and manages to hit back once, twice, but then he’s retreating again. Ben is relentless.

 

Ben strikes, slicing along Sto-Kah’s shoulder. He howls in pain and Ben grins. He strikes again, catching the other shoulder, gleeful as he thinks he’ll take this man apart piece by piece. But Ben is growing bored with toying with Sto-Kah. He reaches out and pulls Sto-Kah to him with the Force, holding him aloft by the neck, watching him twist. Ben’s head is cocked to the side, his face expressionless, as if he’s watching an insect. He throws Sto-Kah to the ground and growls, “You took her from me. You will die this day, and I will _revel_ in it.”

 

Sto-Kah looks up then, with his odd, light eyes and says “Kill me, please, do. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. At least I know I had my vengeance. You will live a life of emptiness knowing that your sins killed her. That you were the architect of your own endless misery. Go on, kill me.”

 

Ben is about to strike, but then he’s struck by a memory of Rey staying his hand. Like a storm cloud rolling back, the Dark recedes and Ben remembers his Rey. Remembers what she thought he could be and he knows – he _knows_ – she would not want him to kill this man. He remembers everything she’s given him; all her beauty and her Light, her gentle soul and her joy. He remembers her walking in the forest with her droids, spinning in the sun. He remembers her holding him and keeping him safe. He remembers the glory of joining with her. He remembers her courage and her strength and those fathomless hazel eyes. He remembers it all. He stops then and retracts his blade. He feels himself balancing and his own Light flickering, guttering back to life.

 

“No. I won’t kill you. I am not that man any longer and I never will be again. I am Rey’s and she wouldn’t want me to do this.” He throws his lightsaber to the ground and turns his back on Sto-Kah, going to Rey.

 

Just then, Chewie, Luke, his mother, and the Resistance soldiers arrive. There is a flurry of activity as the Interloper and his colleagues are taken into custody.

 

Chewie sees Rey lying in her blood and howls a wounded, broken sound. Leia gasps and clings to Luke, hiding her head in his shoulder. Luke looks on, his eyes haunted, a man watching hope die.

 

Ben walks to Rey’s body. Finn is holding her while Poe stands guard. Finn looks up, his face stained with tears, and wordlessly places Rey in Ben’s arms. She’s still warm and Ben begins to weep. “Oh Rey, my darling girl. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” he whispers into her hair. He’s holding her close; he cannot believe this has happened. “Please wake up, please, my love. I can’t go on without you. I won’t. I won’t.”

 

He’s cradling her, rocking and keening, and he’s hysterically feeling for the Bond. Her absence is like a wound and he knows he will not survive her loss. His soul is calling out for its mate when he feels it: a flutter, just a flutter against the Bond. He gasps and reaches for it with all his strength. He feels her and she’s fighting so hard to come back to him.

 

Desperately, he goes into the trance, taking her with him. All of his love and devotion wind themselves around Rey, wrapping her up in him. His joy, his heart, his Light. He’s giving everything of himself to her, every last part of his reclaimed self. He’s full of all she has given him, her endless compassion and fiery devotion. He is a man remade and he will not let her go. She saved him and he’s going to save _her_. His energy is feeding hers and his heart is helping hers to beat again and soon she’s breathing and the torn flesh is knitting back together. The Force holds them, cradles them, like calling to like. They’re bathed in a gentle light and the Bond is singing. She gasps and opens her eyes.

 

He’s crushing her to his chest and she wraps her arms around him and they’re both laughing and crying and the Bond is stronger than ever before.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Meaghan M/Juulna, who is such a rare gift. Her beta skills are top notch and she really knows how to friend.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who has agreed to let me write all weekend! I'm gonna finish this bad boy, gosh darn it!
> 
> Thank you to all of you wonderful readers. You give me such joy and I'm so grateful for your time in reading, kudos, and comments!
> 
> Come say hi on tumblr! I'm always thrilled to chat.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All aboard the Lemon Train! Oh, you want some plot first? Okay, fine. What happens with the Interloper? How will Space Cupcake and Space Queen cope with the aftermath?

Poe and Finn march up to Sto-Kah. He’s flanked by Resistance soldiers, blasters pointed at his head.

 

“We’ll guard him. I’m not taking any chances. Not with Rey,” Finn says. His face brooks no argument, the near-loss of Rey obviously affecting him. Finn takes one arm and Poe the other and they hold him between them, keeping their weapons at his temples.

 

Sto-Kah has no fight left in him. His expression is flat, his body language listless. He’s watching Ben and Rey, and Ben is looking straight back at him. Ben is filled with fury and holds Rey closer. He felt her nearly  _die_ and this man had tried to _murder_ his beloved.

 

Ben knows he shouldn’t say anything, but he can’t help himself. “You’ve failed, Sto-Kah. There’s nothing you can do now. You will _never_ take her from me.”

 

Sto-Kah’s eyes flash black fire and suddenly he turns and wrenches out of Poe and Finn’s grasp. Poe fires at him but Sto-Kah deflects it right back at him and Poe falls. Finn is frozen for a moment and Sto-Kah sweeps his blaster from his hands with the Force. Sto-Kah reaches out and pulls his lightsaber into his hand, the gleaming cylinder flying from the soldier tasked with carrying it. Finn is at Poe’s side, but things are moving so quickly that Ben can only focus on Sto-Kah. Ben and Rey scramble to their feet. Ben’s saber is ignited and Rey is readying to fight with the only thing she has: the Force.

 

The Resistance soldiers start firing and Sto-Kah stops every bolt in mid-air. He then waves his hand and blue and green bursts of energy are sent in every direction. Soldiers are ducking for cover and Ben feels his hair singe as a bolt flies past him. It is a shocking display of power. Luke is moving in, his own lightsaber ignited. Soon Sto-Kah is circling Ben and Rey, readying to strike, focused only on them. Luke comes around from behind and joins the fray. Sto-Kah swings at Ben and is blocked while Rey uses the Force to push him back. Sto-Kah stumbles and Luke’s saber is at his throat, but Sto-Kah whirls and swings wildly at Luke, who parries his strike.

 

Sto-Kah is fighting like a wild animal, surrounded on all sides, but he won’t yield. Ben’s saber cuts into his leg and he howls, but the pain only fuels him. Rey reaches out with the Force and tries to pull his saber from his hand but the Interloper pushes back and Rey fumbles.

 

Rey catches herself and uses the Force to sweep the Interloper’s legs out from under him and he falls. In what seems the same moment, he pushes back up, using his own power to get himself standing again.

 

Ben takes advantage of this opening and swings mightily, but Sto-Kah dodges and Luke moves forward. Soon Sto-Kah’s and Luke’s sabers are crackling against each other and Ben moves in. With terrible speed, Sto-Kah drops to the ground and he ducks beneath Luke’s blade. This places the Interloper behind the Jedi Master. Sto-Kah takes this moment of surprise and Force Pushes Ben to the ground.

 

Taric swings his saber, about to plunge his weapon into Luke’s back when Rey reaches out with the Force. Her face is panicked, and suddenly Ben hears a loud crunching sound as she snaps Sto-Kah’s neck with her power. It is a horrible sound, bone and flesh twisted in ways that nature never intended.

 

Everything moves so slowly as Taric Sto-Kah crumples to the ground, dead. His weapon lies next to him, the aqua blade still glowing and burning the forest floor.

 

No one speaks. Rey stands there, panting, her eyes dilated and her shoulders heaving. Ben is frozen. His love has _killed_ , nearly with her bare hands. He doesn’t sense any Dark in her. She simply acted. He comes back to himself, the ferocity of fighting for the lives of Rey and Uncle Luke receding. He moves to stand next to her.

 

“Rey?” He reaches out cautiously, putting a hand on her shoulder.

 

“I … I didn't mean to do that. Oh Ben, I didn’t mean to do that!” She’s starting to shake and he’s very worried. He has his arms around her in an instant. “He was going to kill Luke and I just reached out and willed it to stop. I didn’t know I could do that!”

 

“I know, Rey, it will be alright. I know.” She’s trembling in his arms and he wishes that he’d been the one to kill Sto-Kah. He knows how to bear this; he knows what it looks like. The shape and texture of the guilt. He wishes he could take it from her.

 

She pulls from him then and walks over to Taric Sto-Kah’s body and stands over it. She bends and turns his lightsaber off then pushes the fringe from his eyes and whispers, “I’m sorry.”

 

Luke goes to her and puts his arm around her, pulling her away. “Rey, you did what was necessary. Thank you for saving me.”

 

“But … I just reached out … I didn't even think. I felt the Force and I used it and now he’s dead.”

 

“He sought his death with every action, Rey. One way or another, I think he was always going to die tonight.” Ben holds back, letting Luke speak truth to Rey.

 

“I … I never wanted to use the Force like that. I thought … I thought …”

 

“Rey, listen to me. I know that I speak frequently about using the Force for defense only. But sometimes you have no choice. Tonight you had no choice. You did well, Rey. You did well.”

 

She looks up, then. Her eyes are still somewhere far away and Ben needs to comfort her. He goes to her, again pulling her into his strong arms and feeling her small body pressed against him. She buries her face in his chest and clings to him. He whispers in her ear, “You were magnificent. You did what you had to do, I’m so proud of you.”

 

“But I felt him _die_ , Ben.”

 

“I know – I know you did. And you weren’t lost to the Dark. I know you felt it all.”

 

“I know that he’s done horrible things; that I’ve even wanted him dead. But … he was just a man in pain. I don’t know what it would do to me to lose you, lose you the way he … lost his wife.” Ben feels the sting of regret and the weight of his choices. He knows that tonight was ultimately his doing. He finds that he _is_ saddened by Sto-Kah’s death. But Luke is right: Sto-Kah also made _his_ choices.

 

“If I lost you like that I would want to have done everything Sto-Kah did and more, I know I would. I hate it, but I understand him. I’ve always understood him.” Ben remembers losing Rey for those horrible few minutes and he realizes he wouldn’t take Sto-Kah’s path – not anymore. He would simply follow her.

 

“Oh Ben, no. Promise me, if something happens to me, you won’t let it eat you alive; not like that.”

 

“Rey … I did lose you tonight, for a moment. And I didn’t kill him. I had him on his knees and I didn’t kill him.” He knows he would never even try to go on without her.

 

She pulls back and looks up at him, still holding on to him tightly. “Really? You stopped yourself?”

 

“Even when I thought you were dead, you wouldn’t let me.” He smiles at her gently.

 

Her face splits into a wide smile then and her eyes are coming back. The Light, the fire, it is growing.

 

“I’m so proud of you, Ben.” He’s filled with her Light and lets the feeling of _Rey_ wash over him.

 

“I’m not entirely sure you should be. If I’d only killed him, then Poe wouldn’t be injured and you would not have to bear this burden.”

 

“No, you have enough on your soul. Let me carry some of it now. I know it had to be done, and I know I’ll be alright.”

 

The Resistance soldiers are busy securing all of the prisoners after Sto-Kah’s final attempts at vengeance and Leia approaches them.

 

“Oh Rey, you were amazing. I know it’s difficult, the first time you take a life, but you _saved_ my brother. I will always be very grateful.” Leia pulls Rey to her, verifying for herself that Rey is completely healed, that there are no leftover effects from her ordeal. Rey allows Leia to enfold her in her arms. She has never had a mother and she seems to need the comfort his own mother provides.

 

He sees the bond that has formed between the two women and he has a strange sort of vision of his future. He sees being with Rey, always. He sees making a family with her, watching her swell with his child. He sees his mother finally finding tranquility. He sees so many beautiful things and he’s putting his arms around both of them. They adjust and welcome him into their embrace. He is so grateful to these women who look at him and see something of value.

 

\---

 

The General has decreed that the debriefing can wait until morning and they make their way back to their room. Without discussing it, Rey’s things have been migrating.

 

He closes the door and pulls her into his arms. They’re both still in their night clothes, muddy and bedraggled. They stand like that for what seems an age, just feeling each other, whole and safe. There is a fear in him, though, now. He knows the feeling of her death and he’s not sure he can let her out of his sight ever again.

 

She’s still being very quiet. He knows she must be exhausted, that maybe they should just get cleaned up and try to sleep. Dawn will break in a few hours.

 

Suddenly, she says, “I knew I’d have to kill someday. I mean, we’re _going_ to kill Snoke. I can’t go to pieces over this, but …”

 

“But?”

 

“But I’m … shaken? I feel like I don’t fit in my own skin anymore. I feel like I’ve changed somehow. It’s like something has been taken from me and I’ll never get it back. It was almost like I had _my_ fingers around his throat, like I broke his neck with my own two hands.”

 

“The Force is an extension of you; you aren’t wrong. You _did_ do that. It was very … personal.”

 

“Did you ever kill anyone like that? I mean, with the Force and not your saber?”

 

He wasn’t prepared for the focus to move to him and he falters. She misinterprets and looks small. “It _is_ ugly to use the Force like that, isn’t it?”

 

“No, Rey, I hesitated because I wasn’t prepared for the question. The answer is yes. Yes I’ve used the Force in that way. I’ve felt a man’s life leave him as I crushed his windpipe with the Force. I know what you’re telling me. I know how it feels. The Force simply is. You didn’t kill Sto-Kah out of anything other than defending the life of another. That is a right and just act. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

 

“I just feel like I’ve tainted my gift …”

 

“Please, Rey, please. Don’t think that. You could never be tainted, ever. You are so good and so Light. This hasn’t changed that. This hasn’t changed _you_.”

 

Her eyes go very wide and she gasps, “Oh, Ben, I’m being so thoughtless. I don’t mean … I don’t mean to say I think you’re … after what you’ve done, I don’t mean …“ She’s flailing about, not able to put it into words.

 

“But I am, and it’s alright. I know you didn’t mean anything about me. We both know that I’ve done horrible things, and those things are with me every day. But you … you make it possible for me to go on; for me to have hope. Just being who you are. You aren’t capable of losing yourself like I did. This changes nothing. You did the right thing.”

 

He tilts her chin up and kisses her deeply. Oh, the feeling of kissing her, he’s certain that he will want to feel his lips against hers forever. Her small tongue flicks along his lower lip. She sighs into him and holds him so tightly.

 

He pulls his mouth from hers and cups her face with his hands, leaning his forehead against hers. His eyes are closed and he is still for a moment.

 

“Rey, I felt you almost  _die_.”

 

“I know … I know.” She has her arms around his neck and he wants to carry her to their bed, to make love to her, to feel her inside _him_ through the Bond.

 

“I don’t think you do. When you were gone, I knew that I couldn’t live without you, that I won’t. Where you go, I go. I will follow you, wherever you travel. Into the nothingness, I will follow you.”

 

She pulls back and looks into his eyes and says, “I remember … when Sto-Kah stabbed you, I remember feeling you dim … I understand. I’m not sure I could survive without you, either.” He’s certain she doesn’t quite understand what he’s saying, but he doesn’t need her to.

 

“I hope you will believe me someday; that I’m not going anywhere.”

 

She pulls away and looks up at him and says, “I believe you. I know you won’t leave me, I believe _in_ you. I trust you. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I stayed away so long.”

 

“No, my love, no. Don’t apologize to me for that, I was so stupid … I just need you to be happy. Above all else, I need you to be happy. I would have tried to keep away if you wanted me to, but I see now that I would fail. I will always come for you. I will spend my life finding ways to bring you joy and peace. You will be in my arms and I will always be here.” His arms are firmly about her, as if to show that his place is here, with her, forever.

 

She looks at him and says, as if it’s a vow, “I know.”

 

Then she’s kissing him passionately, pressing herself against him frantically. Their desire is spinning wildly, almost feral in its intensity. She’s beginning to moan with need and he’s not sure he can keep himself in check much longer. It has been a night filled with terror and truth and oh how he needs her. But first, they need to get out of their muddy clothes.

 

“Rey, we need to clean ourselves up.”

 

She looks at him for a moment, thinking. Then she’s taking him by the hand and pulling them into the ‘fresher.

 

“Rey …”

 

“Shhhh …”

 

She stands in front of him and her eyes are filled with heat and welcome. She reaches up, pulling off her clothes, leaving her naked in front of him. He’s stunned and having trouble keeping up. He hasn’t seen her perfection in days and days and he just wants to look at her. He knows every curve, every angle, and yet he’s missed her so much he has to still and drink her in. But she’s moving to him, pushing his own night clothes from his body.

 

She turns to the bath and reaches for the faucet. Soon the room is filling with steam and he’s not quite sure how to process that this is happening. He doesn’t know what she wants. Is it her intention that they bathe together? Just being naked with her has him rock hard and he’s a bit embarrassed.

 

Soon the tub is full and she takes his hand again and pulls him towards the hot water and she’s pushing him to get in. He looks at her uncertainly and swings his long legs into the waiting bath. The warmth feels delicious after being filled with such fear and loss. As soon as he’s seated she gets in, placing herself in the space between his legs, his hardness trapped between them. She looks over her shoulder and very deliberately pushes back against him. He can’t help the shuddering sigh that escapes him. She’s exquisite, the softness of her skin somehow amplified by the hot water. He places his hands around her waist, splaying his large hands along her abdomen, almost covering her. Feeling her back against his chest, her silken flesh against his fingers … he’s lost in the moment, overwhelmed by the sensation of touching her again.

 

She’s laying back against his chest and she takes his hands and places them on her breasts. He inhales sharply at the feeling of the swell of her flesh against his palms. His eyes flutter closed and he groans as he kneads them, her nipples pebbling under his attention. He hadn’t forgotten, not precisely, but she’s weaving her spell again, creating that heady energy that wraps him up and transports him.

 

She takes the soap and encourages him to wash her. Soon his hands are sliding over all of her, needing to feel that she’s whole, washing away the dirt and the dread of this awful night. It seems she knew, somehow, that they needed to be _cleansed_.

 

He’s filled with a languid, otherworldly sense of time as he strokes along her back. Soon, all of the evidence of being dragged through the forest and fighting for her life has been washed away and she turns, lifting herself to her knees. Now she’s taking the soap from his hands and running the foam along his body. He feels her strong hands move along his chest, the tautness of his back, and the planes of his stomach. His cock is bobbing in the water and she smiles mischievously as she runs her fingers along his length. His eyes fly wide and he gasps. He’s so sensitive; so ready for her. She leaves his hardness and continues her ministrations – he’s now free of the dirt and the sweat of battle.

 

She pushes through the Bond that she wants to be with him. That it’s time. She needs to feel alive in this way. She needs to feel his skin against hers; she needs to be one with him. He shudders with the feeling of how she _wants_ him.

 

“You’re sure?”

 

“I’m sure. I need you, I need to feel you inside me again. In all ways.”

 

“Yes, I need you, too. So very much. I’ve missed you.”

 

They stand, water flowing down their naked bodies, their flesh pinked from the heat. He helps her from the tub and takes up a large towel and begins to dry her. He takes great care, kissing along her form as he dries her. She’s so warm from the bath and her skin feels _sublime_. Soon she’s dry and she’s pulling another towel from the shelf and running it across his body. The feel of the rasp of the fabric and the firm pressure of her hands is doing something to him. He’s almost panting from the feel of her touching him _everywhere_.

 

She goes on her knees in front of him as she’s drying his legs and he senses what she wants to do. He almost lets her, but he finds he’s not quite ready for that. There are too many memories associated with that act and he does not want to fight the past tonight. He takes her by the shoulders and pulls her up again. She looks disappointed, so he kisses her soundly, wiping away any thoughts other than the feeling of his mouth on hers. They stand together, gloriously naked. He presses his body against hers, feeling their bare flesh against each other.

 

He bends down to take one of her perfect breasts in his mouth and suckles gently, feeling the flesh grow hard in his mouth. He groans at the feeling. He’s slowly drawing his long fingers along her folds and feels a rush of moisture. He finds her hard bundle of nerves and starts to stroke in time with his tongue flicking along her nipple. She’s holding on to his shoulders with her small hands, making quiet sounds of passion. “Oh Ben, I’ve missed you,” she sighs. He glides his fingers along her heat, reveling in being close to her in this way. Her fingers clutch at him convulsively. He adores the feeling of her pleasure coursing through her, knowing that he is giving it to her. He moves to her other breast, laving her tightened, plump point.

 

Stars, she’s so wet, almost quivering with lust and he senses her _hunger_ through the Bond. He is not alone in his ferocious need. He lifts her into his arms and carries her to the bed, gently laying her down as he stretches out above her. He’s so _hard_ , the feel of her beneath his hands stirring him further. He’s eager to be in her again; it’s been less than two weeks but his ardor will never be sated. He needs to be one with her, to feel her within him as he is within her, together in their connection. The Bond is leaping joyfully, as if it is sentient and wanting this just as badly.

 

He looks deeply into her eyes. “You are my heart and I will never let you go,” he says as he pushes into her firmly. He’s sheathed within her and moves slowly. “I felt you leave and I will never be without you again.” She’s rolling her hips back in time with his, drawing him closer with her legs. “I love you Rey, I love you. Do you understand? Do you know that you are _everything_ to me?” She nods, shivering with desire and taking in his words as she’s taking in his cock, as if he’s making love to her with his declarations as well as with his body.

 

“Yes Ben, always, be with me always. I love you, I love you, too.” She’s writhing and whimpering. He’s thrusting harder, moaning in unbridled ecstasy. The way she _feels_ , being inside her like this … he’s losing all sense of where he ends and she begins, just the exquisite truth of being _hers_. He plunges in and kisses her deeply, feeling himself buried to the hilt in his Rey. The completeness, the bliss, the sanctity of their joining will always be a revelation to him.

 

His back arches as he moves within her, knowing he will do anything he has to in order to keep her with him, keep her safe and happy. He is whole, he is Rey’s, so long as he has her. He feels the peace he only feels when he’s inside her.

 

They’re moving quickly now and Rey is panting. She’s lost to sensation and Ben takes her face in his hands and gently encourages her to look at him. She nods and smiles at him. She knows how he needs her eyes. Floating in each other, they move together, and soon he’s feeling her shiver around him. She’s coming undone and her eyes widen as her orgasm begins to take her. “Oh Ben, Ben, Ben,” she calls as her climax moves through her. He is transported, watching her face as she comes. His Rey, perfect in this moment. Her eyelids are fluttering, she’s crying out nonsense syllables, and he feels how her walls quiver and quake around him. He’s never loved her more.

 

He’s thrusting fast; he’s almost there. He feels his abdomen tighten and the tingle at the base of his spine as his own release gathers. He roars out her name as he plunges into her and with one mighty push he fills her with his pleasure, hot ropes of his bliss being pulled from him. It seems to go on and on, and he’s barely coherent. He gasps and tries to catch his breath, looking into her endless hazel eyes.

 

They stay joined for a long time, just gazing into each other, feeling themselves deep within the other.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Meaghan M/Juulna, for being such a patient beta. I tinkered and tinkered and waited until the last minute to get this to her, but she still turned it around in time and with her usual attention to detail. She really is a magician, folks.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who let me write all weekend! I didn't manage to finish it, but I wrote five chapters and am thiiiiis close to the end. He was exceptionally forgiving of having no wife.
> 
> Thank you readers! You are all such wonderful people and I've really enjoyed getting to know you through your comments and tumblr. Speaking of, come say hi on tumblr, perrydowning.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when Space Cupcake thought it was time for more Lemons, Space Queen derails him with a well deserved scolding. Then Space Queen finds her power. The Resistance comes to its senses, and Space Empress gets one step closer to Space Buns.

They’re tangled, basking in the glory of each other’s naked skin. Rey is stroking her hand through his hair and he’s trailing his fingers up her back. He loves it when she runs her hands through his hair; it’s so sensual and makes him feel very cared for.

 

He turns her to him and they’re facing each other. Her eyes are beautiful, almost green in this light. He adores how her eyes change; they’re as lively as she is. He captures her lips with his and starts to kiss her deeply. It’s been so long and he wants her again. He feels her hand on his chest and she’s pushing him back slightly.

 

“No, Ben, there’s something I need to talk with you about first.” He’s confused for a moment, already lost to his desire.

 

“Uh, alright.” He’s nervous. He doesn’t like how this sounds.

 

She looks up at him and says, “When we go after Snoke, you can’t do what you did tonight. You didn’t listen when I begged you to stop. You shut down the Bond and you did what _you_ thought was right. Without me. You can’t do that again. You can’t sacrifice yourself for me. If he threatens me – if I fall – you have to keep going. He has to be the _only_ goal.”

 

Why does she have to bring that up now? He’s only _just_ beginning to feel like it’s alright and that she’s safe. The thought of Snoke getting her, hurting her… doing to her what he did to him? He can barely form the thought. His arms tighten around her reflexively.

 

“Oh, Rey. You can’t ask that of me. I don’t think I could.”

 

“Then you stay behind.”

 

“What?!”

 

“If you can’t treat me like a fellow soldier, you stay behind. Luke and I will handle it.”

 

“No, absolutely not! I’m going. I will see that bastard dead if it’s the last thing I do.”

 

“Then promise me right here and right now that you won’t throw away our chance at Snoke to save me.”

 

Ben clenches his teeth, his jaw working as furiously as his mind. Can he make this promise? The thought of her in danger again makes him want to put himself between her and _everything_. But he knows that choosing for Rey only _ever_ ends in disaster. He’s terribly lucky that she’s as forgiving as she is, and he’s not sure she’ll keep letting him fail her in this way. Is he actually capable of letting her die if it’s between her and Snoke? But Rey deserves to make her choices, and he knows that taking down Snoke is so much larger than the two of them. But … to let her _die_...?

 

“Ben?”

 

“I’m thinking.” She stills and lets him continue to work through this knot.

 

He knows he can’t just watch her die and do nothing, but he thinks he can treat her like a ‘fellow soldier’ – to let her take risks and stand aside if it’s warranted.

 

“I can’t promise I won’t try to save you if you’re in danger, but I won’t be manipulated by Snoke. If he captures you, I will stay focused on killing Snoke, and not on rescuing you. It’s the best I can offer. You can’t ask more of me than that. Please don’t ask it of me. Please.”

 

She’s quiet – it’s her turn to think. “Alright, Ben. I’ll accept that. No foolish heroics?”

 

“No foolish heroics. We go in together, as equals.” It suddenly doesn’t feel quite so frightening. His Rey is his partner; she is his _equal_ … his _better_ , if he’s honest.

 

“Thank you, Ben.”

 

“You do realize I will be relentless with your training. It’s the only thing I can do to keep you safe, now.”

 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, love.” He smiles. She doesn’t use terms of endearment very often. It warms his heart when she does; makes him feel that much more hers.

 

She shifts and rises up to kiss him. There’s promise and heat in her kiss. She’s kissing him like she owns him and her sudden passion surprises him. But where she leads, he’ll follow, and he’s pulling her to him as she straddles him. She pulls his bottom lip into her mouth and runs her tongue along the soft flesh. He feels the long muscles in her back and he’s responding to her quickly.

 

She sits back and grinds herself down on him. He can feel how wet she already is and he groans deep in his throat. She’s sliding her folds over his shaft, not taking him in yet. He can’t believe the things she can do to him. She takes his hands and puts them above his head, her heat leaving him as she moves. He whimpers in disappointment at the sudden loss of her against his aching cock.

 

She moves back down and lifts herself up, about to slide down onto him when he moves his hands to touch her and she growls – _growls_! “No, I’m in charge!” He’s amazed at how much harder he gets at her pronouncement. He puts his hands back above his head and she’s holding onto his biceps as she impales herself on his erection. She moves down so slowly, and his hands twitch to grasp her thighs and push her down, desperate to feel her around him. She continues her agonizing pace, up and down, and he thinks he’s going to lose his mind.

 

He can’t help himself; he’s moving his hands again when she stops him with her gaze and says, “I said ‘No’.” He feels himself pinned back with the Force. When did she learn to do _that_? _He_ doesn’t even know how to do _that_ – selectively freeze parts of the body. He struggles against her hold, not sure how he feels about this turn of events.

 

“You get to touch me when I say, not before.”

 

“Rey …” he says in a warning tone.

 

“I told you, I’m in charge.” He decides to see where she takes this. He finds he’s liking how assertive she’s being. He relaxes and concentrates on the absolutely divine feeling of her heat engulfing him.

 

She’s moving faster and he so wants to take those amazing breasts in his hands; to feel their delicious weight in his palms. But he’s held fast and his _need_ just ratchets higher.

 

“You want to touch me, don’t you?”

 

“Oh yes, Rey, please let me.”

 

“No.”

 

She’s riding him hard now, grinding herself down with each stroke, stimulating her clit against him. He’s finding himself in a place of such tension; the heat she’s building within him and the desperate desire to put his hands on her. She grins down at him wickedly and he’s beginning to whimper in need.

 

“Please, Rey, please. Let me touch you. I _need_ to feel you with my hands. Please.”

 

“When I say.”

 

“Yes, Rey, when you say. Please say yes – please let me touch you.” His voice is pleading and punctuated by groans as she pushes down forcefully. He’s never experienced anything like this.

 

She goes on her elbows and grazes his chest with her nipples at each thrust and he’s lost the ability to think. He’s just a creature of sensation and exquisite need. He _must_ touch her … kiss her.

 

She sits back up and arches her back as she takes him particularly deep within her when he feels her release him. “Now,” she commands.

 

His arms are around her, pulling her to him in an instant. He bends forward and kisses her furiously. He didn’t think the feeling of being able to put his hands on her could be so intense and he thinks he might explode within her at any minute. Just then she starts to rub herself against him, hard. He’s feeling her, the sensations milking his cock, the walls of her moving up and down his shaft. He’s gone – he hopes she’s with him, but he has no control as he climaxes deep inside her. He feels her pulling his release from him with her own undulating orgasm and he can’t think.

 

When he can again form sentences, he says, “Where did you learn _that_?” His voice is filled with wonder. She’s in his arms, her head on his chest.

 

“I practiced on the droids. I wanted to see if it was even possible to Force hold just part of a person. This was before … before we were apart.” Oh, how he hates that he hurt her.

 

He bends his head and whispers into her hair, “You know how much I wish I’d never made you feel like that.”

 

“Yes, I know. I didn’t mean to bring that up. It’s alright. I’m alright. _We’re_ alright.” She moves even closer, bringing a lithe leg over his.

 

“I’m so glad.” He’ll always know how lucky he is that she’s so patient with him.

 

“You didn’t mind what I did?” Her boldness is gone.

 

“No, I liked it. You surprised me, but I hope you’ll do it again.”

 

He feels her smile into his chest and he’s so happy to have her here with him. He turns them over and pulls her into her place, where she fits _just_ so. He’s holding her back to his chest and he nuzzles her ear, whispering, “I love you.”

 

“And I love you.”

 

They close their eyes and finally sleep after the horror and beauty of this night. They are safe and whole and the Bond flows freely.

 

\---

 

They’re in the command center, discussing the events of last night. Poe looks a bit rough around the edges, but he’s there and smiling. Finn looks withdrawn and his features are pinched.

 

“It would seem that Sto-Kah convinced three of his guards to help him escape. They removed the implant and met up with the rest of the Resistance personnel who were bent on revenge against … Kylo Ren.” It’s clear Leia hates saying his old name.

 

“They had people throughout the base. One from medical procured the drugs. As far as we can tell, Sto-Kah used the Force to keep Ben and Rey under while they administered the sedatives. The rest you all know.”

 

Rey sits next to him, their hands firmly together. The Bond is flowing freely between them. She’s not blocking him at all now and he’s remembering how to discern the texture of his mind from hers. It is a golden, thick feeling that runs through him; around him. He thinks he might be able to live on her Light alone.

 

“What’s going to happen with the Resistance members who _participated_?” Finn asks, not hiding his contempt.

 

“They are all currently in the brig. There were a total of 17 participants. All of them had lost family to either the First Order or to Kylo Ren personally. We’re now researching the background of all current fighters. We will be conducting interviews to determine if this is a systemic issue or a rogue element. There will be trials, of course. They begin as soon as we can convene them. This is a very dark time for the Resistance. It couldn’t have come at a worse time.” Leia looks so very sad.

 

Ben worries. If the Resistance pulls itself apart, who will stand against the First Order?

 

“On a more positive note, I have already been approached by numerous individuals expressing their support and regret for recent events. I do believe that we will be able to put this behind us now that Sto-Kah is gone.”

 

Ben feels Rey’s hand tighten in response at the mention of Sto-Kah. He runs his thumb along her palm and pushes how he sees her through the Bond. She did the right thing and she needs to know that she is every bit as good and dear to him as she ever was. Her killing of Sto-Kah has only made him treasure her more.

 

The meeting breaks and Rey walks over to Poe and Finn. Finn meets her halfway and pulls her into a firm embrace, his eyes closed tightly. Ben hears him say, “I thought I’d lost you last night. I’m so glad you’re alive.” Ben clenches his jaw. He’s not happy to have Finn holding Rey so closely, but he knows that Finn doesn’t mean anything by it. He breathes in and out slowly, calming himself.

 

Poe comes up to Ben, slaps his shoulder and says, “There you go, big guy – learning to share!” Ben glowers.

 

Poe laughs at his own joke and then winces. He’s still recovering from the bolt to his side. “Guess that’ll teach me.” Ben’s attention is still on Finn’s arms around Rey.

 

“Solo, you gotta lighten up. She’s known him longer, you know.”

 

“By a day or two at most.”

 

Poe rolls his eyes. “Seriously? Two-steps forward, one-step back with you, isn’t it?”

 

Ben stays silent, pursing his lips.

 

“Well, Finn’s not going anywhere – neither am I, for that matter. You’re stuck with us.”

 

“I am aware.”

 

“Well, looks like we’re stuck with you, too. So we might as well make the best of it.” Poe looks a bit shaky on his feet, but he’s still smiling.

 

\---

 

He’s walking Rey to the hangar. People still ignore him, but the hostility has decreased significantly. There is a thrum of _guilt_ pervading everything. Very few had wanted anything like the events of last night to happen. He senses that everyone feels badly for how they’d treated Rey. They turn a corner and come face-to-face with Myla.

 

“I’ve been waiting for you. Well, for Rey, but what I have to say is for both of you.”

 

He feels how wary Rey is; how she does not want to hear whatever it is that Myla wants to say. But she doesn’t say anything, so he stays silent as well.

 

“I wanted … I wanted to apologize. I think a lot of us feel bad for how we treated you, Rey. We all just felt so betrayed. Not really by you, but by Leadership. They should have told us, and finding out the way we did … well, no one took it well. I’m sorry that they were so cruel, and I’m sorry I didn’t mind my own business. What happened last night … I don’t think anyone dreamed it would go so far. Well, except the idiots who did it. I don’t think I can ever forgive you … Solo … but I never wanted you dead and I sure as hell didn’t want Rey hurt. No one can deny that you love each other. I shouldn’t have tried to interfere. So, Rey, I hope you’ll accept my apology.”

 

Ben feels how conflicted and angry Rey is. She may have forgiven _him_ for his idiocy, but his heart was always in the right place, even if his brain wasn’t. But the Resistance truly hurt her and she’s kept her distance ever since. There’s none of that easy camaraderie from before, now.

 

Finally, Rey speaks, “I … uh, thank you, I guess. For apologizing.” She sounds ambivalent.

 

“I know I’m not the only one who feels like this. I think a lot of us are going to be coming to you.” It’s very awkward now; Myla and Rey are looking anywhere but each other.

 

“Well, I … I gotta go. I’m sorry again, Rey.” Myla walks away quickly, taking the uncomfortable energy with her.

 

\---

 

As if the floodgates had opened, Myla’s apology signaled the beginning of an attempt by the Resistance to reconcile with Rey. Over the next few days, dozens of sincere – and forced – apologies follow. It has made Rey intensely uncomfortable and Ben is worried for her.

 

“Rey, are you alright?”

 

“I just don’t like the attention. First it was horrible because they were so nasty to me, and now they’re tripping over themselves to apologize. Even though we’ve caught all the people who helped Sto-Kah, it’s like they feel like they had something to do with him capturing me. So they all feel guilty for how I almost died. It’s just exhausting. I keep accepting their apologies, but I’m not sure I really _feel_ that way.”

 

“You learned to accept mine.”

 

“That’s different; you love me.”

 

He looks at her meaningfully.

 

“Not everyone here loves me, Ben – that’s ridiculous.”

 

“Well, maybe not love, but they certainly do care about you. And none of your closest friends turned on you. In fact, most people just stayed silent.”

 

“I hate that even more, almost. At least the ones who were cruel to me were honest. It all just feels so fake.”

 

“No, love, no, they’re sincere. Can’t you feel it when they apologize? With the Force?”

 

“I guess.” He can tell that she’s being stubborn. She doesn’t want to forgive them simply on principle.

 

“Luke told me that relationships are messy; that you can’t be around people without complications.”

 

“Well this was one hell of a complication.”

 

“I know, I know. But think about it? I think … I think you’d be happier if you accept that they’re in earnest.”

 

“I’ll try, Ben.”

 

\---

 

Ben is with his mother in her quarters. Rey is due to arrive after her shift. Ben thinks about reaching out, and decides it’s time to talk to his mother about something.

 

“Mother …”

 

She looks up, wary. He doesn’t usually instigate conversation. “I wanted to tell you something. I think it will make you happy.” She relaxes instantly.

 

“I’m … I’m going to ask Rey to marry me.” Oh Force, hearing the words out loud in his own voice makes his knees weak. He’s really going to do this.

 

“You’re what?” His mother looks shocked.

 

“I’m going to propose to Rey. Soon.”

 

She looks conflicted. Maybe she doesn’t think he’s good enough for Rey. She would be right. “You don’t think it’s a little soon?” she asks instead.

 

“I love her; I want to spend my life with her. I want her to know that I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“Is this because of when you were an idiot?” Oh, that stings his pride. She’s not wrong, but still. His mother still seems reticent. He’s not sure why. He thought this would make her happy – she loves Rey so much. She practically considers her family already anyway.

 

“No, I’ve been feeling this way for a long time. I’d marry her tomorrow if she’d let me. I would have married her months ago if I thought she would have accepted me.”

 

“You truly, deeply, love her, don’t you?” she asks.

 

“Yes, I do. With everything that I am.”

 

“I worried, initially, that you were simply reacting to falling in love for the first time. That all your … intensity, when it comes to Rey, was born of circumstance-”

 

“No!” he interrupts.

 

“Let me finish, Son. I see now that you two have something rare and beautiful. But … she might not be ready. You forget so easily how young she is.”

 

“I know, but I need her to know that I really mean it when I say I want her forever. She says she believes me, but I want to _do_ something to prove it.”

 

“Time might do that as well, Ben … But you’ve always been impatient.” She smiles at him knowingly.

 

“I just … When I look at her I see _everything_ I’ve ever wanted and so many things I have never even imagined.”

 

“Such as?” Leia looks very hopeful now. Ben is now the one who is wary.

 

“Like … like a family.”

 

“As in children?”

 

He looks away. This dream suddenly seems too precious to speak aloud. He just nods. His mother grins – absolutely _grins_ at him.

 

“You could not possibly do better for yourself than Rey. I don’t know if you’re looking for my blessing, but you have it, Son.” She suddenly looks very sad. “I think your father would approve.” He feels the familiar rising feelings of guilt and brutal regret. Oh, Father …

 

He goes to his mother then, enfolding her in his large frame, almost engulfing her. He whispers against the top of her head, “I’m sorry.”

 

“I know.”

 

\---

 

Ben, Rey, and Leia have just finished dinner when Leia slips on the mantle of the General.

 

“I think it’s time for me to tell you what’s been happening, now that Snoke is blocked and you can find him.”

 

Ben is wary, but he knows that if they are to succeed they must all work together.

 

Leia takes a deep breath and begins. “After Starkiller, everything changed. The First Order showed real weakness. Then when word began to spread that not only had a Stormtrooper defected but that … Kylo Ren had also left, it began to pick up real speed. We’ve been able to infiltrate the First Order at all levels. There is so much doubt and fear there, now. We have people placed throughout their ranks.”

 

Ben is stunned. He’d never known others … _questioned_ the path set out by the Supreme Leader. Again, that strange, roiling, almost-anger moves through him. _Snoke_. Snoke hurt him. Took from him. Twisted him into that unrecognizable _thing_.

 

Leia continues, “We believe we will be able to strike very soon, take down the entire organization. They’ve been focusing on building a new fleet and increasing their man power. They’re using mercenaries and many of their Stormtroopers are simply new recruits. They don’t have the time to raise a new generation from birth. They are no longer the monolithic force they once were.”

 

He thinks of Hux – oh how this must _vex_ him. Working with rabble and the second string. He can’t help himself – he smiles cruelly at the thought.

 

“What’s going to happen?” asks Rey.

 

“Well, we’re planning a three-pronged attack. The Resistance will attack the First Order from without and within while you and Rey simultaneously go after Snoke. The hope is that we will be able to bring it all down with one well-timed action. The First Order will be finished, once and for all. That’s where we failed with the Empire. We hit them hard, they fell … but there were so many remnants. This time we need to bring it all down at once. There will be a catastrophic loss of life, but there can be no other way. We must rebuild cohesively this time. There will be tribunals, trials … and we’ll root out _every last bit_ of the First Order and see it eradicated.” Leia’s voice is full of conviction. She’s seen the mistakes that were made in the past and she will see this evil ended, finally. It is her life’s work and she will see it done.

 

Hearing his mother sound so hardened makes him aware of just how long she has been fighting. He sees how tired she is underneath all of her determination. Succeeding feels that much more personal to him, now.

 

“It seems wrong somehow, to be so ruthless.” His Rey has such a soft heart. He loves her more each day.

 

“We weren’t prepared the first time. The Rebellion didn’t understand how to lead. We only knew how to fight … not how to create. We’ve learned. But first, destruction is necessary.” Leia is firm.

 

“There will be many who remain utterly faithful. They’re fanatical. This won’t be easy.”

 

“Nothing ever is, Son.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Meaghan M/Juulna, who still makes time for being a stupendous beta even when her own life grows insane. She is dedicated and never makes me feel like I'm imposing, even when I know I am. Have I mentioned she is amazing? She's amazing.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who now has his very own AO3 account as Mr_Downing. How adorably supportive is that?
> 
> Readers, fabulous readers. Thank you so much for getting to this point with this story. We're entering the final stretch and I've so enjoyed this amazing experience. You all make it so much more vibrant. Thank you.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Lemon Train continues on, Space Queen has and idea, and Space Cupcake answers some difficult questions about Space Voldemort.

They’re on their sides and he’s slipping into her from behind – oh Force, she feels so _good_. He loves taking her this way, such lazy pleasure. They’d woken in the night, his cock hard against her. She’d arched back into him and now he’s inside her and he’s rocking gently.

 

His hand cups her breast, stroking her nipple, while his cock thrusts into her deeply, this angle allowing him such wonderful access to her body. He leaves her breast and his hand roams up and down her delectable body, feeling her soft skin and her firm muscles. She’s so perfect, his Rey. Lithe and strong, a warrior, but still so exquisitely curved. Her dips and valleys, so enticing to explore with his clever fingers. He delves his hand into the apex of her thighs and begins to stroke her clit. She gasps and pushes back onto him with passion. He can tell she wants him to increase his pace.

 

She’s looking over her shoulder, giving him her eyes as he pushes into her forcefully, feeling her around him; he’s so hard now. Her perfect bud tightens between his fingers, and he feels her getting closer. She’s trembling, on the precipice of release. Maker, she’s just so tight, he thinks he might come undone before she’s ready. He focuses on her, willing himself to calm. He rubs her firmly, remembering the endless rhythm she prefers. In he thrusts, out he pulls, his fingers keeping time with her moans.

 

How had he never realized what it was to be so in sync with another; how had he missed the true point of it all? But he’s so grateful that he never knew this, never knew what it was to love and give and _feel_. She’s opened him up in ways he never knew were possible; ways he’d never even imagined. And he knows he could never have given himself like this … never to anyone but his Rey.

 

There. He feels it; the quivering in her center. He strokes her strongly, and she’s shattering around him and he’s catching her, holding her as she begins to call his name. Her eyes are so wide as she looks into him. The Bond shivers with pleasure and he’s so close. He feels her quiet, her orgasm spending itself. He’s able to thrust with abandon, now. He grasps her hips and plunges into her frantically, his own release coming fast. He feels it build and he can’t think, only her, only her. She’s encouraging him with her eyes and he shouts out as he comes, so deep inside, burst after burst shuddering through him. His heart is stuttering with the force of his love and his completion. “Oh Rey …” he murmurs. Soon, he thinks, soon ...

 

\---

 

“What if … what if we attack Snoke through the Bond instead of face to face?” Rey says. They’re lying together, naked. The thought is so shocking he sits up, startling her.

 

“What?!”

 

“Well, he was able to attack you. Maybe we can use the Bond to, I don’t know, incapacitate him. That way he’ll already be out of the game before the Resistance attacks.”

 

Ben’s mind is working at a furious pace. If they could … it could change everything. If Snoke were already dispatched, then the Resistance would be sure to succeed. It could maybe even reduce the casualties. If they’re in disarray, with no leader …

 

He wraps her in his arms and drags her to sit up with him and kisses her hard. “My brilliant, brilliant girl. I can’t believe we never thought of this.” He’s grinning and he just knows this will work. The Bond is so powerful now that he can feel that this will _work_. He’s standing and pulling on his clothes.

 

“Ben, what are you doing? It’s the middle of the night.”

 

“I have to tell my mother … Luke … I have to tell everybody!”

 

“Calm down. It can wait until morning. But why are you so excited?”

 

“Don’t you see? You’ll be safe. We’ll be able to attack him and he’ll never get his hands on you.”

 

Rey frowns. “He might still hurt us through our minds, Ben.”

 

He stops, coming to his senses. But he’s just so _giddy_.

 

“You’re right, I know you’re right. I just … I feel that this is the way. This is it. I just know it.” He puts his clothes down and crawls back into bed. How is he going to sleep now?

 

He wraps her up and is still grinning. This will be the end of Snoke. He’s sure of it.

 

\---

 

Luke and Leia both look at them with slack jaws.

 

“It will work, won’t it?” Ben says.

 

“I … yes, Ben, I think it very well could.”

 

“We’re going to Force Bond up Snoke’s face!” Rey cheers.

 

Luke can’t help the bark of laughter that escapes him. Leia smiles.

 

“Now we just need to organize. We don’t know it will work, we need to try first. If we kill Snoke, then we attack the remaining First Order. If we aren’t successful we’ll have to go at him head on. When will the Resistance be ready to move?” Ben asks.

 

“Everything is almost in place,” Leia says. “You will attempt this. Assuming that you are able to defeat him, while the First Order is scrambling without their leader, we will move on them within the day. If you aren’t able to kill him through the Bond we will all move together. However, if we do this, attack him remotely and fail, we lose the element of surprise. He’ll know we’re coming. I’ll need to make sure you have more people on your team, just in case. I would like Luke to go with you if it comes to that.”

 

Ben pauses, he hadn’t really considered what his uncle would be doing.

 

“If he knows you’re coming, you’ll need all the Force-users available to you. Three of us is better than two,” Luke says.

 

“You’re right, of course you’re right.” Ben isn’t quite sure what he thinks about his uncle being in danger too. He decides that it’s moot. They _will_ be successful.

 

“So we have a plan?” Rey asks.

 

“Yes, I think so,” Ben says confidently.

 

\---

 

They’re deep in the Bond; they’re merged and they’re opened up to the entire galaxy. The Bond is alight with all of the Force-sensitives and they’re searching for Snoke. They must be able to confirm that they can find him before they plan the attack. They’re going to attempt to take down Snoke before the Resistance strikes the First Order. If they fail, they will go at him directly.

 

At first they’re confused. They can’t find him. The brightest, strongest spots have brought nothing but curiosity. There’s a brilliantly strong boy on Quol – he’s levitating dishes in his family’s kitchen, helping his mother with her daily chores. Then they find a middle-aged woman, quiet and remote, but the Force is latent, waiting. It’s fascinating to see how the Force continues to replenish itself. Ben is so relieved that his hunts have been thwarted; that he has not left an open wound where the Force should be.

 

Through the Bond, Rey says, “Maybe he’s one of the dimmer spots, because he’s cloaked?” They change tactics and start to look closer at the weakest of pulls. They find a baby on Charkan, just beginning to feel the Force. Then an old woman surrounded by her family, her light going out.

 

Then, there: it blips in and out, and they skim along the cosmos, pull apart the cloak, and they see him. He’s in deep space, on a mid-sized craft. He’s transmitting his form to a First Order vessel, planning an attack on the remaining Core Worlds. It will come too late; they will have already brought the First Order down. Or have died trying. Snoke pauses then, looking around, as if he’s seeking _something_.

 

They withdraw quickly, not wanting to be discovered. They’ve found him. They know they will succeed. There is too much power in their balance and their connection. Ben knows that victory is so close.

 

\---

 

They’re walking back to the base.

 

Brushing against Snoke has unsettled him. He’s remembering everything he did to him; how Snoke hurt him, broke him. He’s thinking again about anger and blame and he wants to talk to Rey but he doesn’t know how to say what’s swirling around inside of him. It’s too large and too real. He’s not sure he can let in the idea that something of this magnitude was done to him. He tries to remember how it all began, except he can’t because Snoke had been so subtle, so gradual. He cannot reconcile the facts. He did those awful things. Awful things were done to him, as well. He senses something large and changing and deeply terrifying. He takes Rey’s hand.

 

“Ben, are you alright? I thought … I thought you’d be happy?”

 

“I am, I am … I just … Snoke … what happened. I don’t know how to feel about facing him again.”

 

She’s quiet. She stops them and turns him to look at her.

 

“Why did you join him? I know what happened when you did, but …”

 

And isn’t that just the crux of it all. Why did he join Snoke? Why did he turn his back on his family, on everything he’d ever been taught?

 

“I … I don’t really know.”

 

“Ben, that … that doesn’t make sense. You must know, on some level.”

 

“He was always there, in my head. He’d whisper, telling me stories of what I could do, what I could become. He … encouraged me, while my family … they just tried to control me.” He can’t hide the residual bitterness in his tone.

 

“But … didn’t you need to learn control?”

 

“I suppose.” He remembers how his uncle stifled him, tamped down his curiosity. Forced him to bend in ways he didn’t fit. “I always had an affinity for the Dark Side. Even now, my power flows much more freely when I tap into the Dark. It just doesn’t overwhelm me, now. I think … I think had Uncle helped me instead of shunning me, it would have been very different.”

 

“But, Snoke, when you say he was always there, what does that even mean?”

 

Ben sighs. He knows he should talk about it. He never has before, though, and he finds it difficult to begin. “I was a very unhappy child. I never understood how to … _be_. Then one day Snoke started whispering, right there at the edges. It was so quiet, almost gentle, that I barely noticed it. Not really. My father … we never saw eye to eye on anything. I was brimming with the Force and he just wanted me to be a pilot. We didn’t fight, exactly, there was just always such disappointment. Or at least, I think there was. Snoke would always tell me there was. When my father would go away for long stretches, Snoke would say it was to avoid me; to avoid his failure of a son. It always made sense. Snoke’s voice and my voice, they almost became the same. If I doubted, Snoke would speak it; give it word and form. I didn’t really know my own thoughts …”

 

Rey looks horrified and once again he’s seeing himself from an outside perspective. He hears what he’s actually saying and suddenly he’s horrified, too.

 

“So … when you were younger, you never knew who was thinking what?”

 

“No, I guess I didn’t.”

 

“Oh, Maker, Ben … and it was always like this?”

 

“It started when I was around 12. Before that I had always struggled, but I think … I think I was especially vulnerable then.” He remembers how volatile he’d become, how his emotions had become too much for him to handle. He had always struggled with his feelings, but that was when they’d truly begun to get out of control.

 

“But … how did that turn into betraying the Academy and letting them into the Temple? I know you didn’t understand what Snoke planned to do, but you still decided to leave your family.” He knows this might be the hardest thing of all for her to understand. He threw away what she had always wanted most.

 

“I was never what they wanted, and Snoke … he made me feel seen. My father, he was afraid of me, I think. My Force-sensitivity spiked and they sent me to Luke. I think … I think my father always hoped that I would be like him, but I was too rigid. I don’t particularly like to pilot ships. I cared about the Force, about being as strong as I could be. I was so focused; I took the Skywalker legacy very seriously. My father always struck me as irresponsible. Never settling down properly, always going off with Chewie. I see now that he stayed far more often than was in his nature. He didn’t start to really disappear until around the same time Snoke appeared. I couldn’t see that they were likely related.” He’s still holding her hand and he looks at their fingers intertwined. He tries to ground himself in the feel of her touch.

 

“And Mother … she was afraid, too. But for very different reasons. Did she ever tell you about her father?”

 

“No, I only know that he and Darth Vader are one and the same, and that she never knew him. I know the story of Anakin and Padmé; at least I think I do.”

 

“She didn’t forgive him, not the way my uncle did. She’s made her peace with him now, but I think all she saw when she looked at me sometimes was the man who destroyed her home, killed her parents … the parents who raised her. Once he … he tortured her. From what I understand I really was quite like him. I was so much more powerful than other young Force-users but I could never focus it properly. Not until Snoke. She tried to help me – she knows more than she lets on. She even has a lightsaber, but she never uses it. That made me angry, too; that she turned her back on the Force. I felt it was her _duty_ to use her gift. I still don’t know why she won’t.”

 

He thinks that this isn’t precisely true; he’s always suspected it had something to do with his father. He continues, “Though it _did_ make her a formidable diplomat.” He smiles then. His mother is an impressive woman, despite her choice to leave the Force largely unexplored. He doesn’t really want to say anything against his mother. He knows she did the best she could. At least he hopes she did.

 

He’s remembering the day they sent him to train with Luke. He’ll never forget what he saw in his parents’ eyes when he turned around to wave from the ramp to Luke’s ship. They’d looked _relieved_. His young mind was only able to process that one way: his parents had _wanted_ him gone. Now he knows that what he was seeing was hope. Hope that Luke would know what to do with him. He feels how much his mother missed him; he knows that she is very happy that he came home. He sees that he was always loved and accepted, at least by his mother. His father … he’s not sure, and he can’t think about him much.

 

“But … how did all of that become you … betraying them?”

 

“I didn’t see it like that at the time. I thought I was becoming who I was meant to be. I thought of it as shedding a useless skin.”

 

Her face is closed and she looks almost hurt. But he feels from the Bond that she’s trying not to be angry with him.

 

“What is it, Rey?”

 

“I just … if I’d had what you had … I only knew Han for two days, but he made me feel more important and special and … loved, I guess, than anyone did until I met Leia. I would have given anything to be loved the way they love you.”

 

“I know … I know. I thought a good deal about that on Jakku. You made me see things so much more clearly, even then. I said once that you needed a teacher, but it’s _you_ that teaches _me_.” She smiles at that and steps into him, pulling his arms around her. She places her cheek against his chest and he loves her so much.

 

“So you left because you thought your father didn’t want you, and then Luke didn’t acknowledge you either. You must have thought that Snoke would fill that hole inside you where your father should have been.” She says this into his chest, her small hands splayed along his back. He’s always very aware of her touching him, always in awe that she _wants_ to touch him.

 

“I … I hadn’t ever thought of it quite like that.” He remembers how hard he would strive for Snoke’s approval; how he would almost preen under his praise. He’d given up on making his father happy with him _years_ before Snoke _ever_ lurked in his head. He’d already begun to imagine that Vader would understand him. He’d fantasized for years that if Vader had lived, he would have been proud of his awkward, but powerful, grandson. He remembers how he would try and show his father what he could do and Han would smile and say, “Great, Kid.” But his tone was always hollow and his smile forced. Suddenly he knows why his mother never let Luke really train her. He scowls at the memory.

 

“Ben? Tell me what you’re thinking.”

 

“I was remembering my father; how he was when I was young. I tried so hard, Rey. I wanted to be the son he imagined – I truly did. But I never understood ships, and I never liked the coldness of space. Everything is dead there and the Force is so much … quieter. Of course, then I spent my life on them ... He tried, I know he did, but he never once told me he was proud of what I could do. I was stronger than any of them, but he never cared. He just wanted me to travel with him, swindling the unwary. I hated that about him. I was so ashamed of him. He … he was not an honorable man.”

 

Rey pulls back at this and looks up into his face. “Oh, Ben, no. That can’t be true.”

 

“Well it is. He was a smuggler and a thief. I hate what I did; I would give anything to take what I did back. But it doesn’t change the fact that he was not a good man.”

 

“But what about his role in the Rebellion? He was a General! He saved millions from the Empire!”

 

“He never cared about any of that. He only did it for my mother and Uncle Luke. Sometimes I think he only took the title to impress her.”

 

“So … he did it for the people he loved?” He hears that she’s going somewhere with this.

 

“I … yes, I guess you could say that.”

 

“It seems to me that he just had a more narrow focus. From what Leia tells me, he was fiercely loyal. She says he stayed home when you were younger because he didn’t want her to have to do it all. He only started travelling again when Leia made him go.”

 

“What!?” He’d always thought it had been because of him.

 

“Didn’t she tell you? She saw how unhappy he was so she encouraged him to start travelling again. He fought her for months – he wouldn’t go. It wasn’t until she told him she’d kick him out of their bedroom that he finally left. And even then she said he was never gone for more than a few weeks at a time.” A few weeks? But it had seemed like so much longer …

 

“She told me that your father agonized over how to connect with you; that he couldn’t imagine what he had to offer a child so gifted. He knew who he was and he didn’t think you needed him. She said he never quite got over that she was a princess and he was just a smuggler. She said she didn’t want to highlight more of their differences so she didn’t pursue the Force. He tried to hide it, but it bothered him, the gap between them. I can relate to that.”

 

“What can you possibly mean?”

 

“I’m just a scavenger. You’re basically royalty. It’s difficult, sometimes. You aren’t the only one who struggles with feeling worthy.”

 

He takes her face in his large hands, gently pressing his fingertips into her delicate cheekbones. “Listen to me, Rey. I need to know that you’re listening.”

 

“Yes, I’m listening.”

 

“You are worth a hundred – a _thousand_ – of me. I had nothing to do with the circumstances of my birth and I squandered the tremendous gifts given to me. You weren’t given anything and made yourself _incredible_ in the face of that. I _will_ see the day you no longer think of yourself as no one; just a scavenger; a _sand rat_. I hate _that_ one in particular.” His expression is fierce and he wills her to understand how serious he is about this. Someday his darling girl will see herself as she is, and not how she’s been trained to think of herself. He’ll make it his life’s work if he has to.

 

“Oh, Ben … you are worth so much more than you think you are, and someday I hope _I’m_ able to see the day that _you_ no longer think so little of _yourself_. Oh Maker, what a pair we are.” She’s smiling now. She’s also given him so much to think about. His father hadn’t wanted to go … Mother _made_ him? She didn’t pursue her Force powers not because his father disapproved but because she didn’t want to add to the imbalance? And Snoke, he’d manipulated him so effortlessly …

 

He almost talks to Rey about it, but he can’t quite bring himself to ask the questions forming in his brain. Was he really just a boy taken, seduced, groomed by … what was the word Uncle used … a predator? Could it be that anyone would have broken? Is it possible he isn’t quite as weak as he thinks?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so very much Meaghan M/Juulna. She has helped craft this story with such kindness and insight, I would be lost without her.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who got his very own AO3 account as Mr_Downing. We might see him around!
> 
> Thank you readers, givers of kudos, and commenters! Every single one of you that I've had the pleasure to 'meet' through comments or tumblr has been a marvelous human. I treasure you.


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Lemon! Then Space Hippie shows he knows something after all. Can Space Cupcake come to terms with what Space Voldemort did to him?

He’s licking her firmly, enjoying the feeling of her hard clit against his tongue. He adores this, giving her pleasure this way. Her hands are tangled in his hair and she’s pulling him closer. He thrusts his tongue deep inside her, feeling her velvet tightness caress him as he pulses in and out of her. He reaches up and strokes her nipple and she’s starting to writhe under his skillful ministrations. He knows her body so well now, just how to twirl, how to touch each spot. He feels so powerful, holding her desire in his hands like this. She belongs to him utterly when he is able to concentrate only on her.

 

She’s almost thrashing as he increases his pace. He takes one hand and rolls her clit between his fingers as he plunges his tongue in and out of her. He feels her start to shiver around him and switches positions. Now he’s laving her perfect, tantalizing, delicious bud with his tongue and he’s stroking his fingers in and out, making sure to stimulate that exquisite place inside her. She’s keening now, incoherent with her lust. She can’t even form his name; she’s just calling out. He smiles into her heat as he continues to use his mouth and hands to push her higher and higher.

 

There; she’s tightening around his fingers and he feels each ridge as she starts to come undone. He feels each wave as it moves through her. She’s arching off of the bed and she’s forcing his face into her with her small hands. Soon she stills and he feels the throbs of the aftershocks of her climax. He gives her one final lick and pulls his fingers from her. She smells _divine_.

 

He’s moving up her body and he’s about to enter her when she stops him with her hands on his chest. “No, I want to … like you do to me,” she says shyly but firmly.

 

“Oh, no, Rey you don’t need to …”

 

“But I want to. You never let me. I want to. Are you afraid I won’t be good at it?” She’s looking very vulnerable now.

 

“No, no it’s not that.” The mood has shifted quickly.

 

“Then what is it?”

 

He moves to lie beside her, taking her hand in his. He looks into her beautiful hazel eyes and says, “I just don’t want you to feel you have to.”

 

“I’ve already said that I _want_ to. It feels so good when you do that; can’t I give that to you, too?”

 

“It’s complicated.”

 

“Please explain it to me?”

 

He sighs and says, “Before … it’s just … it reminds me of _before_.” He’s closing off and she pulls her hand from his and places it on his cheek.

 

“Ben, you give me such pleasure when I get to feel you in that way. You make me feel almost worshiped. Won’t you let me try?”

 

“I … I don’t want … I just … You are so precious to me … it makes me uncomfortable for you to do that because I don’t want to demean you.”

 

“Oh, love, no. You could never _demean_ me. Does it demean _you_ when you pleasure me in that way?”

 

He thinks. He hadn’t thought of it like that before. He just enjoys giving _to_ her, feeling the way she responds to him. It’s heady, the feeling of her orgasm, being able to concentrate solely on her. Everything is different with her; surely this could be too? He doesn’t know how to put it into words. He remembers before. There was never any sharing; nothing but transaction and occasionally strange games of power. He doesn’t want to think about it.

 

He feels her slender fingers moving along his chest as she moves to hover over him. She looks into his eyes and then she’s kissing him. He feels her intention and decides to let her proceed. Her soft lips move against his and he’s lost for a moment, just feeling how much he enjoys when she kisses him, running her tongue against his. He reaches up and threads his hand through her hair, firmly grasping the back of her head. They kiss for a long time and he settles.

 

Then she starts to move down him, kissing a trail of fire down his chest. She stops and flicks her tongue along his nipple and he’s surprised by the intensity of the feeling. She strokes her fingers along him, bringing his hardness back as she sucks his pebbled flesh gently. He’s lulled into the rhythm of her hand moving along him. She’s grasping him firmly, moving the silky skin along his rigid shaft. He’s beginning to moan – it feels _so good_ , just having her touch him.

 

He feels her hair flowing against him as she moves lower and he’s nervous again. “Shhhhhhh, trust me, Ben,” she breathes out. She’s kissing his abdomen, keeping the pace with her hand. Soon she’s there, settling into the space between his legs. She looks up then and his breath is caught in his throat as he sees her – her beautiful, delicate face, and her exquisite eyes that always make him feel safe. He can’t help the thrill of possession that moves through him, seeing her small hand on his cock, moving slowly. She is his and she wants to _give_ this to him. Her hair is cascading down her shoulders and she licks her pink mouth and he _groans_.

 

He could not possibly look at anything other than the picture she makes as she bends down and takes him in her hot mouth. He’s completely unprepared for the sensation of her tongue swirling along his tip. She’s treating it like a piece of fruit, taking the head into her, sucking, licking, _tasting_. She’s holding his eyes the whole time and he tries so hard not to buck up, but he wants to feel _more_. This is _nothing_ like what he’s experienced before. Her gentle exploration of him; the intensity of her eyes on his … His nerves are blazing and every little touch sends shivers coursing through him. How could this be so very _intimate_?

 

Her eyes are filled with an intense heat and she’s moving down his cock, taking in as much of him as she can. Watching himself disappear into her perfect mouth is making him shudder; the sheer eroticism is pushing him closer and closer to the edge. Now she’s bobbing up and down, still using her hand to make up for the fact that she can’t take all of him. He feels her mouth around him, her tongue swirling up and down his length and he’s moaning loudly. He knows he shouldn’t make so much noise, but he can’t help it. There’s something about the look in her eyes as she moves to engulf and release him that is going straight to his core. He’s not sure how, but she’s making love to him as surely as he makes love to her. He’s feeling impossibly cherished.

 

He feels his balls tighten and the heat is building. Each time she pulls back he has to fight to keep from pulling her back down with his hands. Maker, he can’t quite believe what she’s doing to him! His release is gathering and he’s chanting her name between gasps. He thinks he sees her smile around his cock. She speeds up and he’s in a frenzy; so close, so _close_. He fists the sheets and he can’t control himself any longer. He thrusts up into her hot, perfect, _amazing_ mouth and he knows he’s almost there. “Rey, I’m going to … you have to, you have to stop.”

 

She pushes through the Bond, “No, I want to feel you come in my mouth.” That does it, he’s gone. Great bursts of his release come from him as she sucks it in, pulling his climax from him. He’s shouting now, he doesn’t care who hears. She slows down, languidly ensuring she has it _all_.

 

He’s heaving in great breaths, trying to settle down. He’s seeing stars; his orgasm was so intense. She sits up and grins at him mischievously. “Yes, you certainly shouldn’t let me do that _ever_ again,” she teases, her pride obvious. He reaches for her and pulls her to him, quickly. He needs to kiss her desperately. Between kissing her he says, “Thank you – that was … _you_ are perfection.” He’s kissing her again, enjoying the taste of himself, knowing she had _wanted_ to give this to him. She really _does_ heal every corner of his tattered soul.

 

He’s feeling so warm and safe and sated. He shifts them, placing her with her back to his chest as he does every night. He cradles her in his arms and they close their eyes. He hopes that she’ll let him keep her forever. Sleep finds them quickly.

 

\---

 

“You can do this. I know you can.” He’s holding her with the Force and she’s attempting to break free.

 

Her face is tight with strain and she’s not making much progress.

 

“Don’t use brute force; this isn’t like escaping my arms. Feel how the Force is acting on you, in you.”

 

Her eyes are flitting back and forth, but then she closes them and he senses that she’s focusing.

 

“Yes, that’s it; feel how the Force moves throughout you. Sense it. Then untangle the web that’s trapped you,” Ben instructs.

 

He feels his hold waver and that’s it, she’s free. She’s grinning and breathing hard. “I did it!”

 

“Yes, yes you did. Far more quickly than I did, I’ll have you know.” Her pride in herself is so bright, so clean. He doesn’t remember ever feeling so right about anything when he was training. He’d fought for every inch while training with Luke. Then with Snoke, the threat of failure had taken any joy from his accomplishments.

 

“And you weren’t going soft on me, like before?” she asks.

 

“No, I promise, I was holding you with everything I could muster. Snoke taught me how to escape him; you will be able to do this if it comes to that. Which it won’t.” He says the last almost darkly. He won’t let her near the man, if he can help it.

 

“What else – what else do I need to know?” She’s so eager, his darling girl.

 

\---

 

He’s just left Rey in the hangar. He doesn’t have any meetings until the afternoon and is a bit at loose ends. His uncle falls into step next to him.

 

“Ben?” his uncle asks. “Would you walk with me to the mediation field? There’s something I’d like to talk with you about.”

 

“Of course, Uncle.”

 

They walk quietly, his uncle keeping his counsel until they reach the field. Luke sits on one of the rocks and gestures for Ben to join him. Ben is a bit confused; he’s wondering if his mother told Luke about his plans to propose to Rey.

 

“Your mother told me about what Snoke did to you.” Oh. That. Of course it would be that. He should have known. Force, did his mother have to tell _everyone_?

 

“I see,” Ben says.

 

“I cannot begin to apologize enough but that is not why I asked you here.”

 

Ben tilts his head, gesturing for his uncle to continue.

 

Luke takes a deep breath and says, “Do you understand what he did to you?”

 

“Well, yes, I was there. I know what happened.”

 

“No, Ben. Do you _understand_?”

 

“I don’t think I know what you mean, Uncle.”

 

“You were systematically tortured, physically and mentally. You were broken down completely. I need to know that you understand that it wasn’t your fault.”

 

“Of course it was my fault. I let him into the Temple. Everything that happened, I did that.”

 

“No, Ben no. You did _not_ do that. You were a victim. It was done _to_ you. You were a 15-year-old boy and a much older, more powerful man used his considerable skills to methodically take you apart piece by piece. What happened to you was not your fault. Please hear me.”

 

Ben’s chest is feeling very tight and he’s looking everywhere but at his uncle. He blocks the Bond; he doesn’t want her anywhere near this. She’s already stood with him in this storm and he can’t ask her to do it again. He knows it’s his fault – he _knows_ it. The alternative is too much to let in. So long as it was his choice, he has some control.

 

“I understand that Snoke did those things; I know I didn’t do them to myself. But I invited him in.”

 

“Please, please stop and think. Think about how old you were. Think about how things seem now versus how they were then. Think about how calm you are now; how centered. Think about what you’ve found in Rey.” Ben smiles at that. His beautiful Light. “Now, remember how you felt when you were a boy.”

 

Ben is instantly uncomfortable. He doesn’t want to remember that. He doesn’t want to think about how confused and alone he was.

 

“Do you think that boy was capable of understanding what was happening? Do you think that boy could really understand what he was doing? Do you think that boy had any idea what was coming?”

 

He wants to get up and walk away. He doesn’t like this. “I made my choices.”

 

“Damn it, Ben, no. You _will_ understand this. You must _see_.” But Ben knows that this is too large and too much.

 

“I don’t want to see it, Uncle,” Ben whispers.

 

“Please, let it in. Then let it _go_ , please Ben.”

 

His heart is beginning to beat wildly; he’s overwhelmed and he desperately wants to flee. “No. I don’t like this. I don’t want to talk about this.”

 

“You have to, Ben. Listen to me. Snoke victimized and abused you. What happened to you was _not your fault._ ”

 

“Please, Uncle, please don’t make me.”

 

“You have to. You have to see. I know you can; I know you have the strength.”

 

Ben is breathing rapidly now. If he didn’t do this to himself ... if it’s Snoke that hurt him, broke him, then he’s just a powerless boy, terrified and alone. In pain and lost. He doesn’t want to remember. He doesn’t want to feel that again. He doesn’t know how to let the self-loathing go. It’s kept him safe for so long, the illusion that he is the maker of this fate. He can’t bear this.

 

“Ben. Please, my sweet boy, please. Let it go.”

 

He doesn’t want to, but the memories are coming for him now. He closes his eyes, hoping to stave off the knowledge he feels howling to get in. He remembers how he desperately hoped his family would come for him. He remembers that horrible, shameful night. He remembers – oh, how he _remembers_.

 

Ben opens his eyes, gasps, and now he’s riding a wave of such intense fear and anger. How _could_ they? How could they have let that _happen_ to him? How could Snoke have twisted him like that; betrayed his loyalty? He only _ever_ wanted to give his loyalty to someone; he only ever wanted to be _useful_. He’d given up _everything_ for Snoke, and instead of the belonging he’d sought he found only an aching abyss that only ever took increasingly more from him.

 

He’s looking around frantically and finally locks eyes with his uncle – the kind, loving eyes of his uncle – and he starts to shake. “Uncle! Oh, _Maker_ , Uncle! I thought he would make it better. I thought he saw me. I thought that I would finally matter; that I wouldn’t have to bend and bow and twist into shapes that didn’t fit. But he … he … oh Uncle, it was so _awful_. I was so scared and it hurt so much. And it wouldn’t stop. It just went on and on and _on_. It didn’t matter what I promised, if I stayed silent, or if I screamed until I was hoarse.” His heart is hammering in his chest and he can’t catch his breath.

 

“Every day, the pain – oh _Force_ , I didn’t know I could feel so much pain. And he never let it _end_. He always healed me so they could do it all over again the next day. When I thought I would do anything to make it stop and it did, I was so _relieved_. I cried for days in relief.”

 

Ben’s voice is full of remembered fear as he says, “And then I was all alone. I had always been alone, so alone. I hated it. But I didn’t know what _alone_ was, not until _Snoke_. I couldn’t think; I lost everything. I lost _me_. There was nothing left, and I was worse than blank. I think I was truly mad. I didn’t want to do it. Oh Uncle, I didn’t want to kill that boy! I never wanted to kill anyone,” he says miserably. He remembers how he knew that from that point on, he was only good for destruction.  

 

“Why did that happen to me? Why did he do that to me? I know I wasn’t what you wanted, but was I so bad? Why didn’t you protect me? Why did you all abandon me?”

 

“Oh, Ben, you were exactly what we wanted. _We_ are the ones who failed. We failed _you_. We failed you in the worst way possible. You were never bad. You were always such a good boy; we simply didn’t know how to help you. It wasn’t your fault – what Snoke did, it wasn’t your fault. Do you believe that?”

 

“I don’t know,” Ben whispers.

 

“Would you think it was Rey’s fault if that had happened to her?”

 

“No!”

 

Luke is silent.

 

“I … but … everything that came after. I did that. I know I did.”

 

“Yes, Ben, that’s true. You did become what Snoke wanted. And yes, you made the choice to keep killing instead of running. But … How you got there, how you became what you became, that’s not your fault. Acknowledging what was done to you is not the same as denying your own part in it all. But you must see clearly what it is that happened _to_ you. You carry so much already; you do _not_ need to carry this. You can put that burden on Snoke … on us … where it belongs.”

 

Ben is filled with such dark, swirling anger, he almost chokes on it. “I hate him,” Ben snarls viciously.

 

“Good, you should hate him.”

 

“I thought that hate leads to the Dark Side.”

 

“Not all of the Jedi wisdom is all that … wise. He deserves your anger. It was your anger turned inwards that brought you into the Dark. It was that you hated yourself. You don’t need to hate yourself any longer. There is a brilliant young woman waiting for you who loves you fiercely. Do you think that would be true if you were worth all of that hatred?”

 

This brings his brain to a stuttering halt. His uncle has him well and truly trapped with that. Because he’s right. Rey, his beautiful Rey … she would never choose him if he really was the person he fears he is. He cautiously opens up the Bond. He hears her ask immediately, “What’s wrong?”

 

“I’m with Uncle Luke. We are talking about … Snoke … about the past.”

 

“You’re so upset – have you been blocking?”

 

“Yes … I didn’t want to burden you.”

 

“Oh, Ben … I’m on my way.”

 

Ben focuses on his uncle. “Rey is coming.”

 

“Good. Good. I’m glad you reached out for her. But we’re not quite finished.”

 

Ben looks at Luke warily.

 

“I can see that you’re allowing yourself to think that perhaps you don’t deserve all of this, and I understand that you might wish to talk with Rey about this and not me, but … Ben, I need to make sure that you know that I love you. I know that I never told you that much when you were a child. You are my only nephew; my twin sister’s son. I will _always_ love you.”

 

Ben doesn’t know what to say so he stutters, “I … no … I didn’t know that.”

 

“Well, I hope you can believe me. And someday forgive me.”

 

Ben looks away. He’s only just begun to accept this new way of thinking, and he’s very aware of his anger for his family. He’s beginning to see how vulnerable he was; how they’d never protected him. He’d given _everything_ to Snoke and he’d betrayed him so deeply, so completely, but he’d never even seen it for what it was. He’s overflowing with feelings and he doesn’t know what to do.

 

Luke stands from where they’re sitting among the rocks and says, “I’ll leave you now. I am certain you need time and Rey will be here soon.” Ben only nods.

 

He sits, thinking and waiting for Rey. If what his uncle said is true … He remembers himself then, how lost he was, how he was willing to do anything to just find his _place_. And Snoke saw that and took it all and warped it; warped _him_.

 

He feels her approach, and soon she’s putting her arms around him, standing in front of his seated position. “Tell me.”

 

“Uncle Luke said … he said that what Snoke did to me wasn’t my fault. He said that my family … failed me. He said … he said he loves me.” His voice is small and cautious.

 

“All of that is true.”

 

“But … do I have the right to blame Snoke for any of it? After what I did? Isn’t that an excuse?”

 

“No … no. It’s just the truth. Knowing how you got there, knowing what was _done to you,_ is not the same as avoiding responsibility. You did not invite that pain; you didn’t know what you were doing. You didn’t understand the consequences of your actions. And then it was too late. But that isn’t your fault.” She’s moving her hands up and down his back. His face is buried in her chest and he’s holding her tightly.

 

It’s such a different perspective. He’s hated Snoke since Starkiller, if he’s honest, but this is much more _personal_. He’s angry. Angry that his mentor did this to him. He’d submitted to Snoke fully; followed his every command. To realize that he’d been manipulated … He’d always told himself that Snoke had been the only one to see the power inside of him, but now he knows he’d submitted to a cowardly, cruel Master who had _used_ him. Snoke had betrayed his loyalty and he finds that his need to end Snoke is now much deeper. This isn’t about atonement any longer. It’s about taking himself back from a monster.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to hug my beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. I finished writing 'He Knows He Needs to Stop' over the weekend and words simply cannot express my gratitude to this fantastic human being. Thank you, BB2 (Best Beta in the Beta Biz).
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who let me yammer about my new story (Thwarted) for an entire hour-long car ride.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who is reading, leaving kudos and commenting. Your support for this story has overwhelmed and humbled me. Please come say hi on tumblr (perrydowning), I love meeting you!
> 
> And finally, thank you so very much to my wonderful friend and regular commenter, The Dark Becomes You. She drew me a piece of absolutely fantastic art inspired by "He Knows He Needs to Stop," which can be seen here: http://perrydowning.tumblr.com/post/143684588302/art-inspired-by-he-knows-he-needs-to-stop


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Cupcake does it! That Space Idiot proposes. What does Space Queen have to say about that? Space Empress moves forward on Operation Space Buns, Space Lip Bite has a moment to shine (but doesn't he always?) and Space Carpet makes an appearance.

They’re walking into the forest, not quite ready for the chaos of the base. He’s quiet. He wants … he wants to go into battle with Snoke with nothing left unsaid between him and his love. He wants her to know just how precious she is to him, that he’s never going anywhere, that he is steadfast and true … he wants her to know his heart. He thinks that it’s time.

 

He wishes her clearing had not been tainted with her blood. It was the first place that she’d let him in. Where she’d given him a chance. He wishes he could bring her there now, but it has been taken from them.

 

He stops her on the path; the sun is shining and he hears the birds. He wants … he wants everything.

 

“Rey …”

 

She looks afraid, worried. He feels that she’s remembering when he’d told her he was going to leave.

 

“No, it’s nothing like that. It will never be anything like that again.”

 

He takes her hands in his and looks deeply into her eyes and pushes his devotion for her through the Bond.

 

“I … you know what you mean to me, don’t you? You know that there is nothing and no one more important to me in the whole galaxy?”

 

She nods slightly, still looking nervous.

 

“When I … found you, I was lost. I was so deep in the Dark and I hated myself, completely. Everything I’d hoped had turned to nothingness and pain. But then you came, and you changed it _all_. Your Light, your compassion, your kindness, your forgiveness – Force, your _forgiveness_ … You reached into me and pulled me out of the abyss … you didn’t even know you were doing it. I was trapped in your gravity and, oh Rey, I never want to be free. I want to orbit you forever. There don’t exist the words for me to be able to describe what you mean to me; how I love you.”

 

“I love you too, Ben, but … what is this about?”

 

He holds her hands firmly. He looks down and is quiet for a long time. He’s not sure if he’s ever felt so nervous; everything is at stake, _everything_. Finally, he looks up and says, “I want you to understand how serious I am about you, about this … us. I want you to know the place you hold in my life.” He pauses and takes a breath.

 

“Rey … will you marry me?”

 

Her eyes go so wide and her perfect pink mouth opens slightly. He’s suddenly very nervous; the Bond is bursting into unintelligible _emotion_.

 

“You … you want to marry me?”

 

“More than I’ve ever wanted anything. More than I can begin to express.”

 

“Me?”

 

“Yes, my darling girl. Please say that you will be my wife? That we will never be parted?”

 

She looks almost frightened and he’s feeling like he’s ten kinds of fool. Perhaps it _is_ too soon … for him it’s been well over a year, but for her it’s only been a few months. Yet he’s so sure. She is young, still ... But … he needed to ask, needed her to _know_.

 

“You really want to keep me, for always?”

 

“Forever. This can’t be a surprise, surely? You know how I feel about you. You know how far I’ve come in order to be with you.”

 

“I think it’s always a surprise to me that you want me.”

 

“Oh, how I’ve wanted you, loved you, and will always want you, always love you. Please be my bride?”

 

She looks away, thinking. He feels her trepidation and her quiet surprise.

 

“I … someday. I’m not ready to say yes today, but someday, I promise.”

 

His heart sinks. Someday? He’s feeling so exposed and vulnerable. ‘Someday’ could be so _long_. He just wants to know that she _understands_ ; that she’ll stay. He’s feeling lost and confused. He thought … he thought she would want this, too. That she would want him the way he wants her. Has he misunderstood everything? She says she loves him, he _feels_ how much through the Bond and when they’re making love … Has he been lying to himself? The doubt comes for him then, strong and overwhelming. She doesn’t want him. He can’t help himself; he drops her hands and turns away.

 

“Oh, Ben, no, please don’t turn away.” She comes from behind him and wraps her arms around his waist, laying her cheek against his back. “I _do_ want to spend my life with you. I do. But I just can’t say yes right now. There’s too much going on and … we’ve only just come back together. Just be patient with me? Give me time?”

 

“But … Rey … if you want to be with me … I don’t understand,” he says quietly, brokenly, still turned away from her.

 

“I’ve been alone for so long, and being with you, the way you make me feel … you’ve given me what I’ve always needed. I thought what I needed was a mother and a father, but what I _truly_ needed was somewhere to belong. Ben, that’s what you give me, somewhere to _belong_. I had never thought about my own future until you came into my life. I have never thought of myself as a wife until just now, when you asked me to marry you. I don’t even really know what marriage _looks_ like.”

 

“We wouldn’t need to get married right away …” He tries to keep from pleading.

 

She’s quiet for a moment and says, “I think, sometimes, you forget that I’m only 20. I want to _experience_ this part of us, I don’t want to keep running forward. I love you with my whole heart, and I cannot imagine my life without you right here, beside me. I don’t _want_ to imagine it. I’m not going anywhere, I just need time.” He hears her sincerity and her love and he’s beginning to see.

 

Time, he thinks. It has always come down to time with her. But she _does_ come to him, always. And then he realizes that it’s alright, that his Rey has always been cautious with her heart, and likely always will be. He pushes away his doubt and fear; he won’t let his feelings overwhelm his judgement, not this time. He turns in her arms, pulling her to him.

 

“I hope we have time,” he says.

 

“We will, I know it. I have hope. And when this is done, when you are finally free of Snoke forever, when we are able to simply be together without the war, without the First Order, without the Resistance ... _then_ I’ll be able to say yes.”

 

“Truly?”

 

“Yes, Ben. I want to be with you, I want to be with you always, too. Just a little more time.”

 

“I … I can give you time. I won’t rush you.”

 

She smiles into his chest. “No, Ben, you never rush me. You always give me time. I’ve never told you what it meant to me, how gentle and patient you were with me. Can you be patient again?”

 

“Yes, of course. I can be patient. So long as I know that one day you will be my wife, I can be patient.”

 

“I will be. I _want_ to be. I just want … all of this has gone so quickly. Everything about my life has changed so much in the last year, _everything_. I went from waiting, always waiting, to trying to fix the _galaxy_. I fell in love with you, and it’s the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I never imagined I would ever be here and I’d like some time to just _be._ I want to enjoy this, now, before changing everything again. Does that make sense?”

 

“Perfectly. You tell me when you’re ready.” He smiles then. “That’s always worked out rather well for me in the past,” he says suggestively. She laughs that laugh that races up and down his spine and he suddenly wants to get her alone very badly.

 

\---

 

They’re facing each other, sitting in their bed, her legs wrapped around his waist, and he’s using his large hands to pull her onto his hard cock. This is always especially intense, her face so close to his. Her arms are around his neck and they’re staring deeply into each other. They’re glistening with sweat; they’ve already made love once tonight. His declaration opening them both up, needing this connection more than ever.

 

He thrusts up into her, holding her deliciously round bottom in his hands. He’s kneading and pulling and feeling so much. Their foreheads are touching and they’re breathing heavily, together. He leans forward and catches her lips with his and thinks through the Bond, “You are so beautiful. I could be in you forever.”

 

“Yes,” she thinks back. “I want to feel you like this always.”

 

“You will. For the rest of our lives I will make love to you. I will show you with my body, my heart, my soul … I will show you every day that you are my reason and my purpose.”

 

They move gently, slowly, each transported by the sensation of the other. He loves this angle; she caresses his length in new ways and he _knows_ he hits her in just the right place. He pulls her down firmly; she takes in all of him and he revels in the feeling of being deep inside of his love. It’s so perfect, a physical embodiment of how deeply she’s inside _him_. Maker, just when he thinks he has the shape of her, of this, she somehow reaches in and finds more.

 

Urgently, she pulls herself down with her legs and he can feel her orgasm building. She’s so slick for him, and he moves quickly. He feels her delicate ankles crossed behind his back, her thigh muscles flexing as she pulls herself down as he thrusts up. He makes sure the ridge of his head is pulling against that delicious spot he’s come to learn so well and she throws her head back and gasps. “Oh Ben, yes, oh Force, Ben, Ben!” Her climax comes on her swiftly and she’s panting hard. He feels as it moves through her, sharp and quick. She looks back into him and her eyes are impossibly wide.

 

He shifts them then, placing her on her back and he’s pounding into her furiously. She’s holding on for dear life as he’s taken by his own passion. He’s grunting and thrusting into her fast and hard. He’s like a man possessed, the pleasure is so intense. He’s lost in the feeling of her tight around him and he’s looking into her beautiful hazel eyes. She’s transported by his ferocity and he feels her begin to pulse around him again. And then she’s coming apart, another orgasm being pulled from her. She’s digs her nails into his back as she _keens_. _He_ does this. His body. His cock. She is his, always his. Soon he’s moaning his own release as he pushes into her one last time, filling her. He takes such deep satisfaction in filling her, making her his. He has a fleeting thought of how beautiful she would be, _will_ be swelling with his child. He can see it so clearly.

 

He holds himself above her, his arms straight and his hair hanging down about his face. He’s trying to catch his breath while he looks at her perfect, satisfied smile.

 

She reaches up and pushes his hair from his eyes and says, “I love you.” He collapses on her then, kissing her deeply. He pulls back slightly and says, “I will never tire of hearing that, my heart.”

 

He moves next to her, pulling her into his arms, her head on his chest. He’s thinking about the day; there were so many revelations. He pushes Snoke away and focuses on her reaction to his proposal. She hadn’t said no, and in a way she’d almost said yes. She had said she wanted to spend her life with him, to one day be his bride. He feels the fear and doubt flicker along the edges but he won’t let it in; not tonight. He has everything he’s ever dreamed of, warm and safe in his arms. He finds he’s filled with a deep feeling of peace. He feels like he might be his own man, someday.

 

\---

 

Tomorrow, they will try to go after Snoke. His mother has gathered the family together. His mother knows what it is to lose and he thinks she needs to have her loved ones close. She’s not saying goodbye, not preparing for the worst. But his mother has had too much regret to leave anything to chance. Rey is included by default now, his mother having decided that she’s permanent. He likes it. She’s also invited Finn and Poe – for Rey, he assumes.

 

He looks around the room. Finn and Luke are talking in a corner while his mother has Rey monopolized.

 

His mother is beaming and he’s sure he heard her whispering with Rey about children and he wishes he’d taken the time to explain that Rey wasn’t ready for that sort of talk. Rey looks trapped and he realizes another _interesting_ conversation will be coming his way.

 

He’s about to go to her, stop this line of conversation when Poe sits down next to him, saying, “So, haven’t done anything else stupid, eh Solo?”

 

“Must everyone always remind me?” He decides not to mention his attempts to take it even further with Rey.

 

“Well, you sure do make it hard on yourself.”

 

Ben scowls at this. “I’m learning,” he says a bit petulantly.

 

“Oh, hey, don’t get all rankled. I know you are, big guy. I just wanted to say you’ve come a long way and I have to say I’m impressed. Never thought I’d be in the General’s quarters sitting next to Kylo Ren. No offense.”

 

“None taken.” As strange as this conversation is, Ben finds that this is true.

 

“I know I said I’d never forgive you, but it turns out you aren’t that bad of guy underneath that getup you used to stomp around in. I figure you’re gonna be stickin’ around and holding a grudge is just a waste of energy. So what the hell. I forgive you.”

 

Ben doesn’t begin to know what to say to this. He realizes that Poe is looking at him, his eyebrows saying, ‘Well?’

 

“Thank you … Dameron. I appreciate it.”

 

“It’s Poe. You’ve changed, and I’m not the only one who sees it. But don’t mess up, ‘cause I don’t think I can keep Finn in check if you manage to screw the tryla again.”  

 

“I think I’ve learned my lesson. Don’t try to choose for Rey.”

 

“You got it, kid.”

 

He feels the swift pain of remembering his father – he used to say the same thing – and pushes it aside. Just then there is a knock at the door. He is startled – everyone is here, so who else could it be?

 

Leia excuses herself from Rey, who makes a beeline for Ben, sitting very close. He puts his arm around her and she nestles in next to him. Yes, a conversation is _definitely_ forthcoming.

 

He sees Chewie duck his head to enter Leia’s door. Things go very quiet. Everyone understands that this was not easy for the wookiee. “Chewbacca! I’m so glad you decided to join us.” Well, apparently his mother is not so surprised. She always knows just a bit more about what’s going on than those around her.

 

Chewie walks straight to where Ben and Rey are sitting and out of instinct the couple scrambles to their feet. They all look at each other for a moment. Suddenly Ben is afraid that Chewie is here to tell her that she’s making a horrible mistake; that she would be better off with _anyone_ but him.

 

Chewie looks into Ben’s eyes and says, < _Tomorrow you and Sunshine are going into danger. The time for silence has passed. When you were born, I held you before even your father did. He was too nervous. Then you were lost. But now, Sunshine has found you. I am glad you are home, Little Ben._ >

 

Ben can’t speak. He knows what this means. Chewie being here, choosing to once again be part of _his_ family, wanting him home … He doesn’t know what to do but he finds himself hurtling into the giant wookiee’s arms. Chewie catches him and howls a joyful sound.

 

\---

 

He’s holding her, feeling her perfect, bare skin against his. He thinks this might just be what he likes best. There is a closeness that comes after passion that he never feels at other times. Fulfilled and naked, warm and connected. He closes his eyes and feels it course over him.

 

He strokes her hair and says, “So what did my mother have to say tonight?”

 

“Oh … well, she just … She just wanted to know if my point of view on ... children had changed.” Ah, he’d been right. What had his mother been thinking?

 

“Changed?”

 

“When she talked to me about my … options, to keep from getting pregnant. …we talked about children. I guess your mother _really_ wants grandchildren. The sooner the better, I think.”

 

He groans and puts his hand over his eyes. “Mother …”

 

“I … we’ve never talked about that. Do you … do you want children?” she asks carefully.

 

“Yes,” he says a bit too quickly.

 

“Oh.” He doesn’t know what she’s feeling. He’s growing to hate how she instinctively blocks the Bond.

 

“Have you … thought about it?” he asks cautiously.

 

“Well, I couldn’t _not_ think about it after your mother asked me point blank if I wanted them. This was months ago.”

 

Has she been thinking about children, with him, for all this time?

 

“And what did you say?” He’s suddenly very curious.

 

“I …  I said I didn’t know.”

 

“And how do you feel now?” He’s surprised by how _very_ much he wants this.

 

“I … someday … maybe.” She sounds cautious.

 

“With me?” He can’t help the insecurity bleeding from him.

 

“Oh Ben … who else would I want to be the father of my children? I know I said I’m not ready for anything … official, but that doesn’t mean I have plans to run off with someone else.” She pulls him closer and he’s feeling better. He’s been feeling a bit adrift in the wind after she wouldn’t accept him immediately. He understands, intellectually, but the primal part of him that still screams far too loudly wants her to be as his as he can make her. She’s not the only one who gets afraid.

 

She’s trailing her fingers across his chest when she looks up and says, “You’d really want … a family, a real family … with me?”

 

“Yes, oh yes. I’ve been thinking of it often, ever since I nearly lost you.”

 

“Do you think … do you think I could? I don’t know anything about being a mother.”

 

“I think that you wouldn’t be able to be anything other than amazing.”

 

“This is all so … I just never imagined this life for myself, I was so focused on the past,” she says sadly.

 

“We will have a future together; we will make such a beautiful life, my darling girl.”

 

“I love it when you call me that, did I ever tell you?”

 

“No, in fact I try not to say it very often, and I know I fail at that. You did not like being called my _anything_ for such a long time,” he says ruefully, remembering.

 

“I know … but you must see why.”

 

“Yes, I see. I know. But you are … you're _my_ everything.” She giggles and he wonders if her laugh will ever stop _doing that_ to him.

 

“Tomorrow is a big day. We should get some sleep,” she says.

 

“That is a profound understatement.”

 

“I know … are you scared?”

 

“I’m … apprehensive. I’m concerned it won’t work.”

 

“It will work, I know it will. It has to.”

 

“We have fallback plans if we fail. I believe in this, though. I believe in the power of the Bond. I believe in you.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my magnificent beta, Meaghan M/Juulna, who gave me the most epic feedback on the last few chapters of this crazy tale. I know I've been extra needy as we enter the final stretch and she's so patient with me. Thank you so much, m'dear.
> 
> Thank you to Mr. Downing who took me out to dinner to celebrate finishing "He Knows He Needs to Stop". He even let me pull out my crazy spreadsheet I'm using to plot my next fic and talk shop. 
> 
> Thank you readers! I'm getting a bit emotional as we come to the end of this story, you have all contributed greatly to this wonderful experience and I'm so grateful. So thank you for reading, leaving kudos, and commenting, you make this little fic writer very happy.


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to Force Bond up Space Voldemort! Will our crazy Space Pastries succeed?

They wake up wrapped around each other. Ben sighs and allows himself a moment to soak up the feeling of holding his Rey. He feels the Bond as it moves through them gently.

 

It’s strange to simply be waking up and dressing when they’re about to attack Snoke. He’s used to preparing for battle, but this is so different. He has so much more to lose now. While he’s relieved that there is no way Snoke can get his hands on Rey, he knows he can still hurt her. But he knows he cannot allow himself to think about this; he’ll never be able to handle it otherwise.

 

\---

 

They’re walking past the hangar, on their way to the meditation field. They’ve selected it as the location for their attempt on Snoke. Finn and Poe jog up to them.

 

Finn looks very serious and he takes Rey’s hands. “Good luck. I know you’ll be successful.”

 

“Thank you, Finn,” she says. He sees her squeeze Finn’s hands lightly before dropping them. He hopes that someday this will stop bothering him so much.

 

“Well big guy, you’re gonna go take all the glory for yourself, huh?” Poe says cheerfully.

 

“Well, and Rey of course,” Ben says.

 

“Sure, sure. That goes without saying. You guys get to cut off the head while the rest of us have to pick up all the wriggly little pieces,” Poe teases. Ben never knows quite how to respond to Poe.

 

“We’ll do our best,” Rey chimes in.

 

The four of them stand together for a moment, feeling the weight of what they’re about to attempt.

 

“We should go; my mother and uncle will be waiting for us.”

 

\---

 

Luke and Leia are already there when they arrive. Ben is not sure what they can do, but having the other Force-sensitives present seems prudent. They approach his family.

 

“Mother, Uncle. It’s time.”

 

“Good luck, Son,” his mother says.

 

Luke clasps his arm and says, “I have watched you work with the Bond for months. You are both incredibly strong with the Force, but together … I know you will succeed.”

 

“Thank you both. Rey, let’s get started.” He leads her away from Luke and Leia and they sit across from each other and touch palms.

 

He looks into her beautiful hazel eyes and says, “Remember, I love you. Whatever Snoke says, I love you.”

 

“Yes Ben. This will work. I love _you_.”

 

Deep they go, stretching out, skimming past the bright Force-sensitives, and soon they find that strange undulating point. They reach out and unweave his shield, finding him alone. He’s still on his vessel in deep space, away from everyone. Ben thinks that he had never understood how paranoid Snoke really was.

 

They take a moment to get their bearings, sensing the contour of Snoke’s mind. They’re very gentle, he does not realize that they are there until they pull apart his first layer of defenses.

 

“Snoke!” Ben pushes hard into Snoke’s consciousness.

 

“Kylo Ren. I wondered what had happened to you after you _dared_ block me. Have you come to your senses? Are you ready to take up your place again, by my side, _where you belong_?”

 

“No, never again. I will never be yours. I never truly was.”

 

“Oh, my poor deluded child. You have _always_ been mine.”

 

“No, you tricked me, you tortured me. You took a fragile and innocent boy and made me into a monster. But you failed,” Ben sends with confidence.

 

Snoke is laughing; a horrible sound full of dark menace. They take that moment and attack, pulling apart the folds of his consciousness.

 

Snoke rears back and roars, “Boy! You think you can attack me? _Me_? I _created_ you and I will _end_ you.”

 

“No, Snoke, not this time. You have no hold on me; not any longer,” Ben projects.

 

“You pitiful _child_. You do not even _begin_ to have the power to hurt me.”

 

“No, but _we_ do,” Rey says. Snoke had been unaware of her presence until she’d spoken. He hides his surprise but they catch a whisper of his confusion.

 

“Ah, your Force Bonded little scavenger girl. You threw away everything for something so small as _love_? I always knew you were _weak_.” Snoke’s voice is full of scorn.

 

“You’re wrong. You’ve always been wrong about Ben. He’s stronger than you can possibly imagine.” His Rey is fierce in her defense of him.

 

Snoke cackles and a cold feeling ripples through them. They continue their attack. With all the power of the Bond they delve into his mind and begin to _pull_. Snoke’s eyes bulge and he gasps at the intrusion.

 

“You think it will be so simple?” But they can feel his fear.

 

“Did he tell you how easily he bent to me, little girl? How I broke him down and remade him into Kylo Ren? Do you know the _atrocities_ he did at my bidding? The death he brought on my mere whim?”

 

“There’s nothing you can say to make me doubt him.”

 

“Oh really. You know of the children, the families? You know how he moved through the galaxy like a scythe? All I needed to do was tell him there had been a _hint_ of a Force-sensitive and he was oh so eager to kill them for me. He was such a good little minion. Never questioned, simply acted. And oh how he acted. No one understood death like your _lover_. He was completely mine and he always will be.”

 

“I know what you did to him,” Rey says with venom.

 

“And of course he’s told you _everything_. You know of the _torture?_ Such exquisite agony leapt from those hands. Those hands you let touch you.” She falters then. Ben knows he should have told her. He feels the Bond waiver.

 

“Yes, pitiful as he is now, he was once a powerful weapon. One I wielded well. No one could get a prisoner to talk faster than Kylo Ren.”

 

“Ben?” she calls to him fearfully.

 

“Ignore him, I promise I’ll explain, please my love, please stay with me.” But the damage is done and Snoke is in his head before they can stop him.

 

The pain is excruciating. Snoke pulls forth every face he ever saw before he cut them down and he’s screaming. She’s holding his hands and trying to keep him in the Bond.

 

Snoke is gloating as he runs his mind along Ben’s, teasing out every doubt, every fear.

 

“So I see she did not love you enough to agree to wed you. Poor _Ben Solo_ ,” he sneers the name, “Never good enough; never wanted enough. You were so easy to control. Hurt with one hand, soothe with the other. Predictable. And even now, when you’ve given her everything, you fail.”

 

“No, Ben, no. Don’t listen to him!” she says frantically.

 

Ben is lost; he is mired in the past and knows he is nothing. Knows that she never truly loved him, that Snoke is right, he only ever fails. He remembers, oh how he remembers. His loneliness, his constant unending failure. He never should have tried to be anything other than what he was. He’s only good enough to be Snoke’s creature. Why did he even try? Why did he come? Why does he _live_?

 

“Well, boy, I’ll help you with that. You won't live much longer.”

 

“Fight Ben, fight. I love you. I’ll always love you. I don’t care what you’ve done; I’m so far past that. Come back to me, please come back.”

 

He remembers how Snoke taught him how to use the Force to cause _pain_ before he’d learned to invade their minds. How he could manipulate their bodies to bring such torment. He remembers the thrill of the power, of pleasing Snoke. He remembers training with his Master, learning how to sow such damage. He sees the faces of his victims, twisted in misery. He’s feeling the Dark as Snoke fills him with the past.

 

He’s taken by waves of memory. He’s 17 and a man has been brought before him. He’s strapped to the _chair_ and Snoke is showing him how to reach into his body, along his nervous system. He’s showing him how to find the Force flowing through all living things. He sees how it glides through the prisoner. Now he’s pulling at the threads and the man is screaming. He’s begging for it to stop, but Kylo Ren is relentless. Snoke has informed him that he will learn this and so he will.

 

He senses the fire along the man’s nerve endings and Kylo waves them higher with his power. The man is convulsing now, the pain overwhelming his brain, and his nerves firing off randomly. Kylo eases back and the man stills. His victim cries and thanks him and then he begins again. The man pleads; he’s telling him anything he can think of to make the torture stop. But that’s the cruelest part of all of this: they want nothing from this poor soul … he is simply there for _practice_.

 

Kylo catches a whisper of this man’s life, his daughter’s face, and he falters. Snoke is telling him to keep going, to not be so weak. Like a pet afraid of his master’s boot, the threat of being weak spurs Kylo to reach deeper, find new tendrils to pull, new ways to impart this incomparable pain . The prisoner screams and screams and then the torment is too much and the prisoner’s heart bursts in his chest. Snoke is praising Kylo, but reminding him to learn to keep the subject on the edge. Another prisoner is brought in. Snoke tells him that this time he must make it _last_.

 

Rey has been with him in this memory and he can barely feel her. But her Light is fierce and she’s pushing into the Bond desperately, trying to get to him.

 

“Ben, please, Ben. Remember who you are: you are Ben Solo and I _love you_.”

 

Suddenly he’s in a different memory. Rey is above him, holding his face in her hands, telling him that she loves him, that nothing can change that now. He’s in the forest and she’s promising _someday_. He’s in their bed, and she’s close and warm. Her smile, her laugh, her Light. She’s embracing the Bond with all that she is and she’s pushing Snoke back. There’s nothing she can’t do, his tremendous warrior girl.

 

She’s wrapping him in her Light, pulling them back from Snoke’s head, and suddenly they’re in the meditation field, and he’s feeling his mother’s arms around him.

 

“Ben! _Ben_!” Leia calls out frantically. His eyes flutter open and he’s having trouble focusing, his mother’s face a blur. He feels Rey join his mother; they’re both holding onto him fiercely and he’s slowly growing more aware. He’s not entirely certain what just happened.

 

“Ben, please speak to me, please, please!” Rey’s voice is so afraid. She sounds like she’s crying. Why is his darling girl crying?

 

Images are becoming clearer and he finally croaks out, “Rey …”

 

“I’m here, I’m here, oh Ben, please be alright, please. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to let him in, I’m so sorry.”

 

He blinks and looks into Rey’s terrified eyes. “I’m alright, I think. I’m just a bit bleary.” His mother is stepping back and his lap is full of Rey. She’s whispering, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” over and over again.

 

“Shhhh, it’s alright, I’m fine, shhhh,” he comforts her.

 

She looks up at him and says, “I didn’t mean to falter, I was just so surprised … I thought you’d told me everything.”

 

“Oh Rey … I should have, I know. I just … I didn’t want to give you more to handle. You knew the worst of it and I … I just didn’t want to see it in your eyes.”

 

“I told you, I love you, and nothing can change that now.” He pulls her closer and kisses her passionately. She never ceases to amaze him, her impossibly good heart.

 

He hears his uncle clear his throat and he remembers himself, gently pulling back. They get unsteadily to their feet. His mother puts her hand on his shoulder and he turns and smiles at her. She looks very afraid.

 

“Mother, really, I’m fine. You don’t need to worry.”

 

“But, what happened?” his mother asks.

 

“We failed,” Ben says succinctly.

 

“No, _I_ failed,” Rey says miserably. “Ben needed me to stay strong, but Snoke got to me. I … couldn’t hold on to the Bond. We almost got lost in his mind. He had Ben for quite a while.”

 

“But then Rey fought him and pulled me back.” He’s impossibly grateful. The thought of what Snoke would have done to his mind is terrifying.

 

“I can’t believe I let go like that, even for a moment. I just … I could have lost you and it would have been all my fault.”

 

“No, I should have told you. It was my mistake. Please Rey, don’t do this to yourself.” She looks away. He can tell she doesn’t really believe him.

 

“I’m sorry to have to ask you to focus on this, but is this avenue closed to us? Will you be able to try again or is it time to make alternate preparations?” Luke asks.

 

Ben and Rey look at each other. Through the Bond Ben speaks, “What do you think?”

 

“I think we got in and we can do it again. I just have to ignore him. I’ve never felt anything like that; he was like a black hole, drawing me in. I won’t make that mistake again. I think we should try again tomorrow.” They’re looking intensely into each other.

 

Out loud, Ben says, “We can do this. We got in, we were making good progress, and I think if we hold fast we have a real shot at this. We try again tomorrow. We’ll need sleep before we try again.” It’s only late morning, but already he’s feeling a deep need for rest. He assumes Rey must be feeling the same way.

 

He senses his mother becoming the General and she says, “We have time to try one more time, but after that we’ll have to organize a direct assault. If that’s necessary, you three will move against Snoke while the Resistance strikes the First Order’s fleet and our double agents incapacitate them from within. I hope this works, I truly do, but I’m going to begin to mobilize the alternate teams.”

 

“That’s wise, Mother. One more attempt and then Rey and I will prepare to move in with the Resistance at our backs. We know his location; it’s just a question of timing. But I truly believe we learned enough to make this work.”

 

“I hope so, Son. I hope so.”

 

\---

 

They’re in their room, lying on their bed and wrapped around each other. Soon they will sleep, but he knows she needs to talk.

 

“I promise I won’t let him get to me tomorrow. No matter what he says, I _will_ ignore him.”

 

“I know, I know. I should have told you. Do you … do you need to talk about that?” Snoke wasn’t wrong, he had been quite skillful.

 

“I just … I just need to know if there’s anything else.”

 

“No. Nothing else. Yes … I tortured people, but not for long. I learned quickly how to delve directly into their minds. I hated having that sort of power; I was never able to justify that to myself. The Force-sensitives … I could tell myself that I was sparing them pain, that if Snoke had sent someone else it would have been much worse for them. But there was nowhere to hide when it came to torture. I hate that I ever used the Force in such a way. But Snoke demanded it and … well you know that I never openly defied him until after Starkiller.”

 

“How long did you do that … torture people?” she asks cautiously.

 

“Less than a year. I was very motivated to hone my mental skills. Once I was able to simply take whatever was required, I never had to torture anyone again.”

 

She’s quiet and he’s concerned that she won’t be able to accept this. The fear that’s never far is taunting him, telling him that she’ll be out the door any moment now.

 

“Rey … please talk to me.”

 

“I hate him,” she says in a low, vicious voice.

 

“Who, Snoke?”

 

“Yes. I was there in that memory – I _saw_. I saw how he threatened you, how you cowered. I saw how conditioned you were. I mean, you still looked so young. How old were you?”

 

“I was 17,” he says quietly.

 

“Oh Ben … watching as he made you do those horrible things ... I didn’t think I could ever hate anyone or anything the way that I hate him. We _have_ to kill him, we just _have_ to. I won’t share the galaxy with him after what he did to you.” He holds her even closer; her defense of him feels like a balm across his frayed nerves. She turns toward him and kisses him so sweetly. There is healing, acceptance and such aching love in her kisses. He sighs into her mouth. His Rey ...

 

She pulls back and says, “The way Snoke felt. Is that how it always was, being near him?”

 

“Yes,” he says simply.

 

“How did you bear it?”

 

“The way I did everything. By living in the Dark.”

 

“I never imagined. He was so evil. So cold. How could you ever-” she stops herself.

 

“Ever want that?”

 

“Yes … it must have hurt awfully to want that.”

 

“I was so lost. I never belonged, never fit. Never fit with others or in myself. I was a jumble of jagged pieces that pierced and scraped against each other. I thought he offered me peace. And in a way, he did.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“The Dark … you’ve felt it. It blankets everything. It makes every atrocity simple, just another act. Murder was nothing, in the Dark. Torture …”

 

“It’s alright, Ben. I … think I know now what your life was. Now that I’ve felt Snoke. Seen how he controlled you.”

 

“I wish I’d never gone to him, you must know that.”

 

“I do, I do. I know how you regret and how you castigate yourself.”

 

“I’ve hurt so many. I will spend my life making up for it, but I won’t ever succeed. It will always be with me.”

 

“We’ll carry it together, Ben. Together.”

 

“Together?”

 

“Together.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Meaghan M/Juulna, for being the perfect beta and telling me just what I always need to hear. If something is bothering me about this story, she always teases out exactly what the problem is. 
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who has put up with my fear of ending this story with grace.
> 
> Thank you to my readers, for all of the kudos and comments, and just being wonderful people. I can't believe it's almost over. Come say hi on tumblr, perrydowning!
> 
> My next fic, 'Thwarted' will begin posting the day the epilogue for 'He Knows He Needs to Stop' is posted. I'm moving to a Monday/Thursday posting schedule to get a bit more time to work on my Anthology story.


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Cupcake needs his Space Queen, Space Voldemort fights dirty, and Space Cupcake's past gets in the way yet again.

He’s looking down into her sleeping face, feeling nervous. He’s tried to project confidence to her, wants her to believe in what they’re going to attempt in just a few hours, but he’s nervous. Scared, if he’s honest. Facing Snoke like that had been … difficult. Without the Dark Side blanketing everything, he’s very aware of what Snoke could do to both of them if they don’t stay strong. He tries to take comfort from the feeling of her naked skin against his, but he’s still deeply unsettled.

 

He’s trying so hard not to think of what Snoke could do to Rey; how he could find her weakest places and make them sing with pain. He knows very well what Snoke is capable of and he almost wonders if a traditional attack might be better. But then he imagines what could happen if Snoke managed to capture her in the flesh. What would it do to her to experience his former Master’s special brand of torment? It’s so easy to imagine how solitude would destroy her, now that she’s let herself believe that she’s loved and wanted. He can’t think about it – he can’t.

 

He reaches out and ghosts his fingers along her cheek. “Rey?” He needs to see her eyes.

 

Her lashes flutter slightly, but she stays asleep.

 

“Rey, my love, it’s time to wake up.” Her eyes blink open and they’re filled with lazy love.

 

“Ben …” she breathes.

 

“Good morning, sweet girl.”

 

“Hmmm, let’s hope so.” He watches the sleep clear from her eyes and he sees a flash of trepidation in their hazel depths.

 

He continues to stroke his fingers along her face. He’s suddenly seized with the fear he is about to lose her and he wants to _be_ with her, but he’s such a tangle of emotions that he can’t quite bring himself to seek out her comfort. She feels how afraid he is and she’s turning in his arms.

 

“What is it Ben?”

 

“I just, yesterday … feeling Snoke again … I’m so afraid of what he might do to you.”

 

“I won’t fail you again.”

 

“Don’t put it like that, please don’t put it like that.”

 

“Alright … I promise I’ll stay strong.” He smiles at that.

 

“Better,” he says. She looks at him as if she’s trying to puzzle something out and then her expression clears.

 

“You won’t lose me. We’re going in together and we’re coming out together.”

 

“I … I hope you’re right.”

 

“I know that I am. I feel how afraid you are, and you don’t need to be.” She’s stroking his face now, and he needs her, needs to feel whole in that way but doesn’t know how to reach out.

 

She senses it, though. Soon she’s pushing him back and she’s moving down his body. He gasps as he feels her warm, wet tongue flick out, tasting him, teasing his cock to life. It doesn’t take long. She pulls him into her mouth and it feels amazing. He feels her hand gently fondle his balls and his back is arching. She’s slowly moving up and down his shaft, using her tongue along the ridge of his head and the fear is fading, replaced with the delicious feeling of her mouth.

 

She’s using her hand, holding him firmly, the contrast of her strong grip and her soft, warm tongue is exquisite. She has him so hard and he feels her begin to pull away. She rises up and places him at her entrance. “Look at me, Ben.” His eyes instantly focus on hers and she holds him in her gaze as she oh so slowly moves down his cock, taking him all.

 

She stays like that for a moment, looking into him – he’s as deep in her as he can be. “Do you feel this? Do you feel how we are connected, through the Bond, through our bodies, through our _souls_?” she asks, her eyes full of ardent fire.

 

“Yes, oh, yes.” She’s captured him and he’s in her thrall.

 

“This is why we will not fail.” With that she begins to move and it’s so intense, this feeling she’s brewing within him. He feels her fierce protectiveness of him, and how she will do anything –   _anything –_ to free him from his past.

 

She’s holding him with her eyes as she rides him slowly, building waves of pleasure in his core. She sits forward slightly, the shift changing the angle and he feels her tight heat moving along him. She holds his face with one hand, bracing herself with her other as she grinds down on him. He’s moving with her now, matching her pace. His hands are on her thighs, pulling her down on him with each stroke.

 

“I love you, Ben Solo. You are beautiful, whole, and you are _mine_. I will never let anyone take you from me,” she says fiercely. She’s never been so vocal in claiming him before and it’s reaching new places within him.

 

“Yes, I’m yours, I’ll always be yours,” he gasps out. Her declarations have pushed him so close.

 

She’s riding him quickly now; he’s nearly there. He knows he can’t hold on much longer. She grips him by his hair and growls, “Mine,” as she pushes firmly down on him.

 

“Yours!” he shouts out as he comes spectacularly, deep inside her. He’s suspended in a place of absolute safety; she’s wrapped him up in her Light and he is so _very_ in love with her.

 

As he catches his breath, he says, “You didn’t …”

 

“No, that was for you. You needed all of me.”

 

“But …”

 

“Shhhh, Ben. Let me have given to you everything I could, please.”

 

She lays down on his chest and puts her head on his shoulder. He’s still buried deep within her. He wraps his arms around her and holds her as tightly as he can.

 

\---

 

Once more they’re in the mediation field, Luke and Leia there to lend support.  They move away to give the couple a moment alone.

 

“Well, I guess this is it,” Rey says.

 

“We know so much more now,” Ben responds.

 

“Yes, yes we do. I won’t falter this time. I love you, I am yours, and you are mine.”

 

“Yes, my beautiful, darling Rey. You are absolutely mine and I’ve been _yours_ since the moment I first saw you. We have it in us to do this. The Bond is full of everything that Snoke is not, and we _will_ succeed.” Earlier had swept away his doubt and his fear.

 

“Yes, Ben, yes.”

 

She startles him then as she grabs his face and kisses him furiously, almost violently. He feels the tremendous force of her love for him flood the Bond and he can’t help but gasp at the sensation. Her love is such a fierce, ferocious thing. He knows that Snoke cannot possibly stand in the way of such power. They will succeed. They must. She pulls back and he feels himself following her but he stops himself, remembering their purpose.

 

They put their palms together and lace their fingers through each other’s. He gives her hands a gentle squeeze. He looks into her eyes and begins to get lost within them. They’re breathing in tandem and he feels his heart attune to hers, beating in sync. They’re hurtling themselves through time and space, knowing just where to look now. Soon they’re penetrating Snoke’s cloak. They find him in his quarters, alone and meditating.

 

“Snoke!” Rey speaks first.

 

“Oh, how much fun. The little Jedi, come to take me on again. I wondered if you’d _dare_. You barely saved him last time, girl.”

 

“I learned. I won’t be manipulated,” Rey says strongly.

 

“Such confidence for one so young and small. I can _smell_ your fear from here, you arrogant child.”

 

“It won’t work this time.” Rey is stalwart.

 

“I see. You think you know it all; think you can forgive him. His sins, my dear girl … they are vast and _deep_ and I am certain you have no idea what sort of _boy_ you’ve claimed,” Snoke sneers.

 

“I know him better than you _ever_ could.” Ben knows he will never cease to be amazed by his triumphant love.

 

“You know then, of the _women_? So very, very many women. He’d never take the same one twice you know.”

 

“I don’t care. That doesn’t matter to me, it never did.” Ben senses the lie in her bravado.

 

“Liar.” Snoke had as well.

 

Ben pushes through the Bond, speaking only to her, “It was only because I couldn’t bear to know them – I didn’t _want_ to know them.”

 

“I know who I am to you. I know it doesn’t matter. You don’t need to explain; Snoke won’t get to me, not this time.” Her mental voice is so steady and confident. She’s on fire with her strength and her love.

 

“You’ve failed, Snoke. Your games will never work again,” Ben says with conviction. He knows that they are stronger, they have balance, they have the Force, they have _each other_.

 

“I wondered if you would just hide behind this poor deluded girl. Hiding behind skirts … you always were good at that. I should have known you’d _always_ run back to _mommy_.” Snoke says the last word with such contempt.

 

“You are blind and you are a coward. I was young and vulnerable when you found me, but I know better now.”

 

And with that, Ben pushes forward, cutting into Snoke’s mind, plunging in with all his might and Rey is right beside him. Together they find the tendrils of the Force flowing through Snoke and they begin to seek; begin to pull. They sense how the Force is enmeshed throughout Snoke like a chain of brilliant power. They pluck and tease, finally finding the path inside.

 

They hit their first real wall as Snoke fights back, realizing there is true danger in their Bond. They lose the thread then, Snoke burying his Force signature behind a cloak of the Dark. Rey is the first to find the edge of his defenses and deftly finds her way back in, pulling Ben behind her. Soon they’re following the trail, weaving ever deeper into Snoke’s mind and body. They grasp the web of the Force within Snoke and they _twist_.

 

“No! It’s not possible!” Snoke is beginning to shake as he falls to his knees, his own power turning against him.

 

They’re done talking though, and they push and find and tear into the blackness of Snoke’s soul. There, they find it. They’re past his defenses and soon they’re skimming along his nervous system, finding their way towards their goal: his heart.

 

Snoke is fighting back and he’s battering them with images. Kylo Ren, being pleasured by another woman, on her knees in front of him; Rey dead, eyes open and glassy; Kylo plunging his saber into a small child. Snoke pushes them out for a moment, but they’re on him again within moments, relentless in their onslaught.

 

His attempts are feeble as the Bond beats him back. The Bond is singing with their power and their devotion. Ben feels her determination not to be swayed. She has such clarity now; he feels how she shunts aside each awful picture and uses her rage to focus her. He draws strength from her, letting each new flash of his past – some real, some imagined – flow past him.

 

“Keep trying, Snoke; we are so much stronger,” Rey growls.

 

Soon the images stop, as Snoke determines that he needs all of his energy to protect himself from their attack. Ben feels as Snoke moves from arrogance to genuine fear. Ben senses his outrage and disbelief that Ben and Rey are _succeeding_.

 

Snoke gathers all his strength then and _fights_. Snoke is stripped of all his hubris; he’s desperate and he’s defending his vulnerable places ferociously. He attacks back, brutally pushing against Rey’s mind. She cries out in pain, never having known this feeling before. Snoke makes it past her defenses and he’s in Rey’s mind. Rey is lost and Ben is frantic. He has no idea what she’s seeing; he can only sense that she’s holding onto the Bond tightly and that she’s losing the fight.

 

Ben pushes violently into Snoke’s mind; he cannot, he will not, allow Snoke to get Rey. He’s filled with years and years of molten anger. He remembers that first moment of betrayal when he watched a Jedi child fall. He feels _every single time_ he submitted. His own Light is incandescent, growing, burning so bright. He’s awash with how he loves his darling girl and he reaches out, finding the edges of Snoke’s consciousness and _rips_ him from Rey’s mind, a feral, primal feeling coursing through him. Rey is _his_ and this grotesque thing will not _touch_ her. He finds her and he’s wrapping her in _his_ Light. She’s safe and Snoke is left foundering.

 

“Rey,” he calls to her through the Bond.

 

“I’m here, I’m here.” He feels her begin to recover, her strength recovering quickly. She’s back in the fight and they renew their attack.

 

“How – how are you doing this?” Snoke gasps out. Ben senses that Snoke had never seriously considered them a threat.

 

“It’s an ability you could never have – you aren’t capable of it,” Ben sneers. He has the power now; Snoke is cowering before _them_ and he knows they will rid the galaxy of this twisted creature. How had he ever thought this _thing_ was worth following?

 

Snoke is whimpering on the floor of his ship, writhing as they delve deeper and deeper. They’re almost there.

 

“Mercy!” Snoke gasps out. Ben feels how afraid Snoke is, realizing that death is coming for him.

 

“Mercy? You beg for _mercy_? You made me feel like I was _nothing_ , that I was weak, and you filled me with lies and hatred and all that endless darkness. You made me your _weapon_. There is no mercy for you, Snoke,” Ben snarls. He’s brimming with all the pain he’d felt at Snoke’s hand and he is _righteous_ in his fury.

 

“I made you!” Snoke exclaims, in one final attempt to sway his errant apprentice.

 

“You nearly destroyed him; he owes you nothing but death,” Rey responds. Ben feels the depth of her anger, her desire to free him from the shackles of his past. She’s putting her whole self into this fight and the Bond is pulsing with their shared power.

 

That’s it; they’re there. They’ve found it and they reach out with all of their strength. They are _one_ as they find the skeins of the Force wound around Snoke’s heart and they _pull_. Snoke is screaming, howling out his impotence. There’s nothing he can do now; they have him and he has no power over them.

 

They _feel_ the moment his heart stops as they’re violently thrown from his head, their anchor gone.

 

Ben finds himself sprawled out next to Rey in the meditation field, breathing heavily.

 

“Ben, Rey – are you alright?” he hears his uncle call out with concern. They’re slowly sitting up and Ben and Rey lock eyes.

 

“We have to make sure,” Rey says.

 

“Yes.” He’s grasping her hands and they’re back in the Bond, slipping into each other so easily now. They let all of the Force-sensitives wash over them. Sifting, searching. They find the boy on Quol, his delight as he makes water dance to entertain his small sister. They sense Luke and Leia, vivid and strong. Near and far, distance has no meaning. They search and search and find no trace of Snoke, there isn’t even a void that would suggest concealment.

 

They gently pull from each other, and Ben says, “We did it, Snoke is dead.”

 

Leia’s eyes are huge and suddenly she’s crying. Ben is scrambling to his feet, going to his mother. “Mother, Mother, what is it?”

 

“He’s dead. He’s finally dead,” Leia whispers.

 

Ben puts his arms around her and she’s so _small_. Her tiny frame is shaking against him and he’s very confused. Why is she crying instead of celebrating?

 

He bends over and says into his mother’s hair, “Mother … Mama, tell me what’s wrong?”

 

“He took _everything_ from me, once. And he’s gone. You’re finally free, my sweet boy. You’re finally _free_. He can’t hurt you anymore.” His mother pulls back and looks up at him. She reaches out and puts her hand along his cheek. Her warm, brown eyes are full of tears and she’s smiling. He feels his eyes sting and he starts to let it in that Snoke is _dead_. Suddenly, he’s gasping for air and he’s overwhelmed. _Years_ of torment, half his life stolen from him … and his mother is right. He’s _free_. Snoke will never again be in his head. Never again will he feel the lash, or know the terror of the waiting for punishment. He’ll never be forced to hurt anyone _ever_ again. He is … _his_.

 

He feels Rey behind him and she’s putting her arms around his waist, resting her head on his back. His mother is still standing in front of him and he’s understanding what it is to be _Ben Solo_.

 

\---

 

All four of them are walking back to the base and they’re very quiet, each processing how momentous this is. It feels so anticlimactic, now that it’s done.

 

Ben is thinking hard about what this truly means. He wants to find a quiet corner and just break down in tears. He can’t quite believe that they’ve been successful, that his years of pain are really, truly over. He didn’t realize how _afraid_ he was of Snoke until that fear was gone. There had been this oppressive, lurking feeling that’s no longer there. Snoke had been a gaping wound on the Force and his absence feels like a balm. He wants to laugh and pick Rey up and spin her, but at the same time he wants to hide and sob. He’s tangled and broken and healed and whole and he doesn’t understand how he can be all of this at once.

 

Luke and Leia are lagging behind now, talking quietly. He’s holding Rey’s hand as they walk, as he always does. He likes to keep her close.

 

“Ben …” floats along the Bond.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Are you … there’s so much coming through the Bond. I can’t figure out how you’re feeling. Just that you’re feeling so _much_. What do you need?” she asks cautiously.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“As soon as the base finds out, it’s going to get really loud and a lot of people will be mobbing us … are you up for that?” she pushes through the Bond.

 

“No, not even a little, but I’ll be alright.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes, my darling girl. I’ll slip away after a bit … I think I might need to be alone.”

 

“Oh, okay.” She sounds sad, regretful.

 

“What is it?”

 

“Nothing, nothing that can’t wait.”

 

He’s about to ask her more when Finn runs up to them. He sees from their faces that they were successful.

 

“You did it? Snoke is really dead?” Finn asks.

 

“Yes, he’s gone,” Ben answers, still not quite able to believe it himself. Finn catches Poe’s eyes from across the tarmac and grins, nodding excitedly.

 

Suddenly Ben is surprised by Chewbacca as he feels himself lifting from the ground, the giant wookiee holding him aloft and embracing him.

 

< _Little Ben, you are free_. >

 

“Yes, Chewie, yes I am.”

 

< _Your father would be proud of you. I am proud of you. You and Sunshine._ > Then he’s setting Ben down and he’s picking up Rey. He hears Chewie laugh his howling laugh and he can’t help but smile.

 

Word is spreading quickly and personnel are streaming from all over the base, surrounding them. Before he knows it, he’s off his feet again and he’s up on Finn and Poe’s shoulders and he’s not sure what he thinks about _that_.

 

“Let’s hear it for Rey and Ben!” Poe shouts. Cheers swell up from the crowd and he hears whispers of “Snoke is dead!” and “They did it!” flowing through the mass of people. He’s trying to take it all in but it’s almost too much. He looks over at Rey, who is now up on shoulders as well. She looks exactly like he’s feeling and she sends, “Told you,” through the Bond. He grins ruefully.

 

His mother is wading through the crowd that’s surrounded them and is quieting everyone. Ben feels himself placed back on his feet, much to his relief. Rey is by his side in a moment, holding his hand tightly. She doesn’t like the press of people any more than he does.

 

Leia has everyone’s attention and begins to speak. “I know this is a cause for celebration, and we’re all very excited. We had a great victory today, Supreme Leader Snoke is dead. It is important to take this time celebrate. However – don’t overdo it. Tomorrow we move on the First Order; we _must_ attack while they’re confused and scrambling. So have _fun_ everyone, just not too much.” She winks at the crowd, and they’re laughing and cheering. The feeling is infectious and, though Ben is in turmoil, he finds himself feeling their elation.

 

People he’s never met before are coming up to him, asking how they did it, what was it like. He mumbles half answers and waits until he finds an opening. Rey has been pulled from him but he’s finally able to get away.

 

He’s in the forest when he sends, “I was able to escape. I’m in the forest; I won’t be too long, I promise.”

 

“Alright, Ben. I’ll … I’ll see you later, then.” He senses something isn’t quite right and he doesn’t know what to do. He needs to quiet his mind and order his feelings, but he can’t shake that she needs him. He’s very torn.

 

“Rey, are you sure you’re alright?”

 

“I told you, I’m fine. It’s nothing that can’t wait. Please take whatever time you need.” He’s still not sure he believes her but he doesn’t want to push the issue. Rey decides for Rey. He thinks those words might just be his new code.

 

He walks through the forest, thinking. Remembering … feeling. He’s stretching his mind, feeling the freedom that comes from the end of fear. He sees now how he’s been gagging on it for years. The threat of Snoke’s … disapproval had hung heavily over him; a constant threat he’d long ago grown accustomed to. The relief … it is so _very_ strong.

 

He finds a rock and sits, listening to the sounds around him. The wind in the trees, the songs of the birds. He’s sensing the subtle thrum of the Force and feeling the ground under his boots. He’s … safe. All alone, he’s safe. He’s only ever felt safe when in Rey’s arms, but now here he sits, alone, and _he is safe_.

 

It’s too much, suddenly. Everything that’s happened to him; everything he’s done. He gently shuts Rey out, needing to be alone. He puts his head in his hands and he starts to cry. His shoulders shake and the tears course through him. But these aren’t like the desperate tears that come when he just can’t keep it inside any longer. These feel like he’s being cleansed; that he’s somehow expelling something deep and ugly within him. He thinks of that awful night at the Temple, and the months of anguish afterwards. He’s full of the sense that never again will he have to _submit_. He won’t ever again have to bring death and pain to innocents.

 

He cries and cries until he’s emptied out of all that pain. He remembers the first whispers of the Bond, how he’d not understood that everything had _changed_ the moment he found her in those woods. He feels how he is Rey’s but that he is also his own man, somehow both being true. His tears slow, and his breathing evens out. He wipes his eyes and inhales deeply, letting his lungs fill with the wonder of it all. He swallows and he feels … like _himself_. He’s not sure he’s ever felt that before.

 

\---

 

He finds her in their room, laying on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. She starts to sit up as he comes inside.

 

“Are you feeling better? I couldn’t tell; you blocked the Bond,” she says almost sadly.

 

“Yes, I am, I’m sorry for pulling away … I needed to think, needed to pull myself together.” She nods, then smiles.

 

“We really did it. I can’t believe it. He’s _gone_ , Ben.”

 

“I know. I can’t quite believe it either. I know it’s not over, but I feel so _free_.” He’s smiling back at her.

 

“You _are_. Just knowing that we don’t have to share the galaxy with him any longer …” She still seems odd. Something is most certainly not all right. She sitting on the bed now, looking small.

 

“Rey, what is it? Please tell me what’s been bothering you? Is it killing Snoke?”

 

“No, no it’s not that. I don’t feel any guilt for that. I’m honestly very happy he’s dead.”

 

“Then what is it?”

 

“It’s silly, honestly,” she says dismissively.

 

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

 

“It doesn’t matter.” She’s being very evasive and he really doesn’t like it. He crosses to her then, dropping to his knees in front of her and taking her hands.

 

“It’s bothering you, so it matters to me. Please tell me?” She looks up at him then; her eyes are full of pain and he’s very worried.

 

“I just …” She pauses again.

 

“Please?”

 

“What … what Snoke said, the images he sent … While he had me, that’s what he used against me.” She looks away and seems to fold in on herself.

 

He knew she had been bothered by the mention of … his past. But the thought of Snoke having her, tormenting her with flashes of the others … He’s flooded with shame.

 

Her eyes flick to his for a moment and she continues, “I don’t want it to bother me, that you’ve … been with so many other women but … but it does,” she says in a whisper.

 

He rises and sits next to her, not sure if his closeness is what she wants but he doesn’t know what else to do. Gently, slowly, he puts his arm around her and she quickly turns her face into his chest and holds on to him desperately.

 

“You know that for me there is only you, that if I’d but known …” he says.

 

“I know. That’s why I feel so silly. But seeing that … I never really thought about how many there must have been, just that there were others and I just feel … I feel …” She trails off and is quiet.

 

“Please tell me.”

 

There is a long silence when she finally asks, into the fabric of his tunic, “Am I enough?”

 

Oh his lonely lost girl, so strong and so very vulnerable. He doesn’t know what to say to take this fear from her. But he knows he must reassure her.

 

He places two fingers under her chin and urges her to look up at him. He trails his fingers along her jaw as he cups her cheek and looks into her eyes intently. “Rey, do you remember what I told you months ago, when we first began all of … _this_ , properly?”

 

She looks so _young_ and her eyes are open and full of sadness. She whispers, “Yes. You said … you said that I am sacred to you. Not to compare myself.”

 

“Yes, precisely. Do you think that has changed?”

 

“No. But I can’t help it. I’ve been lying here waiting for you, telling myself that over and over again. But I close my eyes and I just see you … with them. I can’t make it stop.” He tries to imagine what it would do to him to know she’d been with others the way that he has, and the jealous fury rises so quickly that he has to move on from the thought. He focuses on Rey and how he must fix this.

 

He sighs loudly; he should have known that this was coming. How does he explain to her how it’s as if the man he is with her is someone entirely new? That he feels like she _is_ the only one to have ever touched him? She’s the only one who’s _ever_ touched him in any way that mattered.

 

The shame he’s fought so hard against is pressing down on him again, demanding payment. He’s angry with himself and, impossibly, a little angry with her. How can she even compare it? Can’t she see? Doesn’t she understand what she is to him? What must he do for her to see – _finally_ see – who she is to him?

 

“Do you know how I always seek your eyes when we make love?”

 

“Yes, I … I know. I don’t know why, but I like seeing your eyes, too.”

 

“Well, it’s more than that for me. I _need_ your eyes. I need to see you; to know that it’s you that I’m with; that it’s real. I don’t think you understand what that time did to me. How dirty it made me feel. I cut myself off from any human interaction for over a decade in order to escape it. Even when I was … doing that, I never took any comfort from them. There was no tenderness. I think perhaps you’re imagining me being with them the way that I am with you and that simply isn’t true.”

 

“But, I mean … how different can it be?”

 

“You have no idea how grateful I am that you can ask that.” He shifts them then so that they’re facing each other. He takes her hands and looks at her, and makes sure she’s looking at him.

 

“Rey, what we share when we’re intimate is so very different. There was never any holding, caressing ... never any _sharing_. I’ve never touched anyone the way that I touch you. You are the first person I have _ever_ given myself to. Yes, they had my body, but they never came anywhere near my heart or my soul. I tried a few times to kiss them, to try and find something more, at first. But it made it even worse, more hollow, somehow. It was transactional. It was just … I can’t really explain. I need you to know that I never knew what it was to _want_ someone until I met you.” He finds he doesn’t want to explain to her what it was like; he doesn’t want her anywhere near that.

 

“But … they _knew_ things. They must have been bette-”

 

“No,” he cuts her off sharply. “No, Rey, no. _That_ I won’t have you think for one moment more. Our first night together was the most sublime experience of my life and it has only grown more exquisite. You do _not_ need to worry about your skill. No one could ever make me feel what you do – only you. Only _ever_ you.”

 

“Really?” She sounds so hopeful.

 

“Really. Holding your _hand_ is more pleasurable to me than anything I have _ever_ experienced with another. I don’t even like saying it that way, as if there could be another, because there is only you.” He hopes she understands. He almost tells her that until he came to D’Qar, his most intense sexual experience had been the night he’d shared with her through the Bond, even though she didn’t know he was there and hadn’t even touched him. But he doesn’t want her to think about that time, he knows how lucky he is that she’s forgiven him.

 

She’s looking more confident and she’s letting her emotions through the Bond again. He senses how foolish she feels for having needed to hear this. He feels that she likes the sensation of his hands holding hers, as well, and that she’s feeling better. There are also whispers of lingering insecurity, though, and he frowns.

 

“Rey …”

 

“I know, I’m sorry. I’ll be okay, I’m sure.”

 

He leans in then and holds her face very softly as he presses his lips against hers. He’s gentle at first, kissing her languidly. Then he’s gliding his tongue along her lips, begging entrance. She lets him in and he kisses her so deeply.

 

Through the Bond he says, “Do you feel that?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Do you feel the way the energy flows through us; how simply kissing feels like delving into each other?” He’s still moving his mouth over hers, tasting her, devouring her.

 

“Yes, I feel it.”

 

He slows and gives her a final, sweet kiss, and then pulls back. Out loud he says, “ _That_ is why this is different. _That_ is why you don’t need to worry about this ever again.” He’s looking into those perfect eyes and he’s pushing everything he’s ever felt for her through the Bond. She gasps at the feeling.

 

“Oh Ben …”

 

“Only you; only ever you.”

 

“Yes, yes, I see.”

 

\---

 

The celebration is in full swing when they rejoin the others in the dining hall. Rey is quickly monopolized by a group of her mechanic colleagues wanting to know more about their victory over Snoke. Poe and Finn find him leaning against the wall, watching Rey smile and laugh. He likes seeing her like this; she seems so free.

 

“You really have it bad, don’t you?” Poe says.

 

“I think that should be obvious by now.”

 

“I’m surprised you haven’t gone down on one knee,” Poe teases. Finn tenses and looks away.

 

Ben doesn’t know what to say, but the look on his face must have said it all.

 

“Maker, you did – you asked her already, didn’t you?” Poe asks in disbelief.

 

“I … I may have done.” Ben is very embarrassed.

 

“What did she say!?” Poe is so excitable. Finn is paying close attention.

 

“She said … she said someday.” Ben knows he should have said it was none of his business, but the words just tumbled out.

 

“Fantastic. You know, when the time comes, me and Finn are gonna have to throw you a bachelor party.” Ben and Finn have the exact same incredulous expressions on their faces.

 

“Oh, no, that’s not necessary. Please.” Ben’s voice is strangled.

 

“Nice try; you aren’t getting out of this one. We’ll fly over to one of the neighboring systems, one with a _really_ excellent bar, the girls are so hot, with ti-”

 

“Stop right there, there will be no … girls.”

 

“You’re wound so tight, Solo. Alright, something a little more your speed. But you aren’t getting out of it.”

 

“Well, uhm. She hasn’t even said yes, yet.”

 

“Oh, she will. When the time comes, you’re ours, Solo. Don’t forget it.” Poe winks at him. “Right, Finn?”

 

Finn looks at Ben with an unreadable expression for a long moment and then cracks into a smile and says, “It’s not like anyone else will put up with him.”

 

Just then Rey comes up to them. They all go silent.

 

“What? Is something wrong?”

 

“Oh no, we were just having a laugh at your boyfriend’s expense. But he doesn’t mind, do you, big guy?” Poe slaps his shoulder good-naturedly. Ben tries to hide his flinch. He’s never been comfortable with Poe’s easy way.

 

“I’m learning,” Ben manages to say.

 

“See, everything’s fine,” Poe says, cavalier as ever.

 

Rey looks at them all with skepticism. All three men do their best to look innocent. She pulls Ben to the side in order to talk with him.

 

“Oh well, looks like our hopes of dragging lover boy off and getting him drunk are dashed. Come on Finn,” Ben hears Poe say loudly. Finn looks conflicted but lets Poe pull him away.

 

“Do you mind if we leave?” Rey asks.

 

Mind? Of course he doesn’t mind. He’s only been waiting for her.

 

“No, not at all. I’m sure my mother will be shutting this down soon. The Resistance won’t manage much if we’re all asleep on our feet or hungover.”

 

He takes her hand and leads her back to their room.

 

\---

 

He doesn’t know what had got into her, but his brain won’t work and he’s not sure his cock does either. She had been so _intense_ , pushing him onto the bed as soon as they’d closed the door. She’d been almost savage in her passion and as soon as she thought he _might_ be ready again, she’d pounced for a second round. He feels completely _taken_ and he’s a bit overwhelmed.

 

She’s curled into his side, almost smug in her bliss. She’s running her hand along his chest and his brain is finally catching up.

 

“Rey?”

 

“Hmmm?” She sounds so languid.

 

“I … is everything alright?”

 

“Oh yes. Everything is perfect.”

 

“It’s just … you were so … I don’t know …” Words are failing him. She had been almost primal in her lust.

 

“I’m just feeling like we can do anything. You love me, Snoke is gone … I just feel so _alive_.”

 

“You weren’t trying to … prove anything?”

 

She’s quiet, thinking about it. “No, I don’t think so. I just … I needed that; needed you. Did I do something wrong?”

 

“No, no! It was just a little surprising. I’m not complaining, I promise.” He smiles at her ruefully. It _had_ surprised him, but he can’t deny that she’d just given him the two best orgasms of his _life_. He didn’t know he could come so hard.

 

“Tomorrow we’re going to finish this. The First Order will fall and the galaxy will be safe. I know it. I feel it,” Rey says with fierce sincerity.

 

“Yes, I think you’re right.” Her conviction is contagious and she’s washing away any lingering doubts he’d been harboring.

 

She turns then, snuggling her back against his front and pulling his arms around her. “I love being like this with you. This is my favorite way to sleep.”

 

“It’s mine, too.” He remembers how he used to imagine her in his arms, and he’s still a bit in awe that she’s really here.

 

He feels her getting sleepy and soon he’s following her into slumber, arms wrapped tightly around her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, Space Beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. You are a marvel, looking over this chapter a whopping _three_ times. Thank you for holding my hand through the terror that is ending this critter. 
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing! He still hasn't asked me to please stop talking about Star Wars, much to my delight.
> 
> And readers, you lovely lovely people. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. It may sound a bit silly, but this experience has been life-changing and I'm grateful to every single one of you.


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it! Space Cupcake faces his old ship with his Space Queen, Space Hippie, and Space Carpet by his side. Now with beautiful art!
> 
> The epilogue will post on Friday, along with the first chapter of my new fic, 'Thwarted'.

The base is a riot of activity. Pilots are running every which way, gathering last minute supplies as they race to their X-wings.

 

“Mother, we’re going,” Ben says forcefully.

 

“You don’t need to; you’ve done your part,” Leia pleads.

 

“Not until the First Order has fallen. I helped build them and I _need_ to have a hand in destroying them. I have to do this, don’t you understand?”

 

Leia looks frustrated and sad. “I just don’t want you or Rey to be hurt … I can’t lose you now.”

 

“Mother, please, we’ll be alright. We have each other, there are no other Force-users on the Finalizer. I know you’re worried, but we _are_ going.”

 

His mother looks away, taking a moment. “You won’t do anything foolish? You’ll keep each other safe?”

 

Rey steps towards Leia and says, “I promise I’ll keep him from doing anything stupid. We’ll come home.”

 

Leia finally nods and Ben breathes a sigh of relief. He does not want to go into battle at odds with his mother – _or_ his General.

 

Just then Luke comes up to them and says, “I’m coming, too. I know it’s hard for you, Leia, having to hear it all unfold, listening from the command center. I know you’d rather be with us, just like old times.” Han’s absence is so keenly felt with those final words. Ben aches to have his father back.

 

Leia smiles up at her brother and says, “I never get used to it. But we all have our roles to play. Come back to me. Just ... come back to me, all of you.”

 

\---

 

They’re on the Falcon. Rey and Chewie are flying them behind a squad of X-Wings. He’s sitting behind Rey and Luke is to his right. They hear Poe over the comms.

 

“This is Black Leader, the shields are down, I repeat the shields are down. “ The advance team has incapacitated the Finalizer; now comes the hard part.

 

“The first transport is landing in the hangar now. Commence boarding the target,” Poe’s voice floats over the comm. Luke and Ben catch each other’s eyes and nod, acknowledging that this is it.

 

Ben watches Rey’s hands fly over the controls and he smiles to himself. She always amazes him.

 

Soon they’re angling into the hangar and Rey deftly lands the Falcon on the gleaming black flight deck. Chewie howls. It’s very strange, coming back to the Finalizer, his home for so long. He’s filled with memories, not all of them painful. These had been his comrades, once. He thinks of Hux, of what this must be doing to him. They’d never been friends, but you cannot work side by side with someone for so long and not feel some sort of kinship. He knows this is the right – the _only –_ course of action, but he finds he’s still conflicted.

 

\---

 

The fighting is thick. As far as Ben can tell, most of the Stormtrooper force is protecting the hangar. It’s a sound strategy, but it leaves the Finalizer very vulnerable if they can break through the line. The Resistance is holding its own, but casualties are mounting on both sides and something has to change.

 

“We must get past the Stormtroopers; make our way to the bridge. The Stormtroopers will stand down once we have control of the ship,” Ben says. They start to move together but then Ben sees a gleam of chrome and remembers how Captain Phasma saved him on Coruscant. Perhaps she too has doubts? He finds he wants to help her if he can. He breaks away from Rey, heading towards the imposing captain.

 

“Ben, what are you doing?!” Rey demands through the Bond.

 

“I have to try and save Phasma; I owe her.”

 

“You better know what you’re doing,” Rey sends. And then her attention is taken by three Stormtroopers firing at her. She leaps in the air over them, turning as she sails over their heads. She lands gracefully on her feet behind them and puts them in a Force sleep.

 

He makes his way to the edge where fighting is light, deflecting blaster bolts. He stands behind a wall of crates and reaches out to pull Phasma to him. She scrabbles along the flight deck until she’s right in front of him.

 

“You!” she growls.

 

“Yes, me. Phasma, you don’t want this, there’s a way out for you. Stand down, surrender, and I’ll try and get you a deal.”

 

“Oh no, _Ben Solo_ , there’s no ‘way out’ of this for me. I’m too far up the chain of command. You know how this will play out. I go down fighting.” She lifts her blaster then but Ben holds her firmly with the Force.

 

“It doesn’t have to be that way. The Resistance doesn’t want to eradicate everyone; there will be opportunities.” He’s speaking quickly. Just then a blue beam of energy comes straight at them. He raises his other hand and freezes it inches from Phasma’s head. He releases her from his hold.

 

“I never did get used to seeing that,” Phasma says.

 

“Please, you can end this right now.” He sees Rey Force push through a line of Stormtroopers; she’s making good headway. A Stormtrooper is about to bludgeon her with a vibro-blade when she turns and thrusts her saber into his chest. He feels a ripple of “Finn …” course through the Bond.

 

The battle is changing; another transport has arrived and more Resistance soldiers flood the hangar. Ben knows he’s running out of time to convince Phasma. He has a flash of inspiration.

 

“The Stormtroopers – do you have access to their records; where they come from?”

 

“Yes, of course.”

 

“Come with us, pull that data. You can leverage it for your life and maybe your freedom.”

 

The tall woman thinks for a moment then nods her helmeted head sharply. “This better work. I won’t die in front of a firing squad.”

 

“It will work. Trust me, I know these people.” He hopes he’s right.

 

Luke is whirling through a group of Stormtroopers, making his way to Rey’s side. He’s elegant and assured, his blade slicing through enemy after enemy. Ben has never seen his uncle kill; he didn’t know he had it in him. He’d always known his uncle had destroyed the Death Star, but somehow he’d never connected the young warrior from the stories with his uncle. He sees him now, strong and unwavering, and he knows he’s never truly known him.

 

Soon, Luke and Rey are back to back, doing what they can to minimize the loss of life. She’s so beautiful, focused and certain in her movements. He sees how she’s grown from an almost feral creature into a true warrior. She’s almost glowing. He shifts his attention back to his own situation.

 

The fighting is growing closer to where he and Phasma stand. She strides forward, making sure that she can be seen. The troopers hesitate and she bellows, “Stand down!”

 

They’re all so conditioned to yield to her that nearly all of them stop firing at once. Confusion is moving throughout the crowd of white-armored soldiers.

 

“Put down your weapons; it is time to surrender,” Phasma commands.

 

There are a few who refuse. They keep fighting but they are so outnumbered that it doesn’t take long to subdue them.

 

Ben steps forward then. “You all knew me once; I used to go by the name Kylo Ren.” A ripple of fear and awe moves through the confused troopers. “You also know that I defected from the First Order eight months ago. I’ve been with the Resistance since then and things are going to be very different soon. Better. We’re going to help you, and make sure you have a place. You won’t be abandoned. Just don’t fight any longer and the Resistance will see you cared for. We have to secure you now, but it’s only temporary.”

 

The Stormtroopers, for the most part, just seem a bit lost. A future without the First Order is both terrifying and glorious. They’re unsure and cautious. Resistance soldiers approach them almost gently and take their weapons. There are a few tense moments, but Ben is hopeful.

 

\---

 

They’re moving through the corridors of the Finalizer. Ben and Rey in the front, trailed by Luke, Chewie and Phasma. Chewie growls at Phasma periodically.

 

Ben is experiencing an almost dual vision with memories of stalking these very corridors coming to him. Everything is so very different now. He remembers the man he was; so volatile, barely contained. Kylo Ren had been one step away from completely breaking down for years and hadn’t even realized it. He sees how it was his will alone that kept him from flying apart, the division in his soul so profound and unnatural. He had bound himself up so tightly, nothing getting in, nothing getting out. He can’t quite believe he’d survived.

 

He glances over at Rey, thinking how she’d consumed him during those months of hiding in the Bond. How he hadn’t been able to even _conceive_ of the life they are building now. He wishes he could go back in time and do it all differently. But then perhaps he would not be hers. Perhaps it all happened as it should.

 

A squad of Stormtroopers comes around the corner and starts firing immediately. Ben is able to deflect most of the bolts, but one gets through and Ben _feels_ as Rey’s flesh is torn asunder by the fiery energy. She calls out as she falls to her knees. He must deal with the troopers but she’s _injured_. Luke is working furiously to deflect the blasters and Chewie is shooting back.

 

Phasma is shouting, “Put down your weapons, that is an order!” But they refuse her and keep fighting. They’ve clearly been informed by the bridge to disregard Captain Phasma’s directions.

 

He needs to go to Rey; he can’t bear not knowing the extent of the damage to his love. She’s blocking him from feeling the pain so he can’t tell how hurt she is. He’s filled with all of his fears. Losing her now, today, like this. He remembers their promise to his mother and the future he sees.

 

He feels no danger from the Bond, though. Her Light is strong and he senses that she’s not in mortal peril. But there is still a primal need to be by her side. He knows she’s relatively safe, that Luke and Chewie are protecting them, but the fighting must stop. He’s frantic to get to her.

 

Ben reaches out with the Force, anger coursing through him. They have _hurt_ his Rey. He’s using the Dark, but it isn’t using him. He gathers his power and sweeps the weapons from the Stormtrooper’s hands then Force pushes them violently against the wall. The threat temporarily dispatched, he turns and goes to Rey. She’s holding her arm and her face is closed. She’s obviously feeling the pain of the wound intensely. He feels her frustration at being incapacitated and her worry that she’s just become a burden. He’s helping her to lean against the wall and inspects the wound. It’s deep; she can’t use the arm, not like this. He snarls in frustration.

 

Luke is speaking with the troopers. “We don’t want to hurt you; your ship is all but lost. We can help you, help you make real lives, maybe find your families. Just don’t fight and the Resistance _will_ help you. You have my word as a Jedi.”

 

The Stormtroopers look around warily, weighing the truth of Luke’s words.

 

Captain Phasma speaks then. “I’m en route to recover the data that will allow us to find where you come from. He speaks the truth.” She reaches up and takes off her helmet then. Cautiously they do the same. They’re young … _very_ young. One of them pulls himself to his feet and says “We’re new recruits. We know where we come from.”

 

“Then we’ll make sure you get home safely. The First Order won’t last the day. This is happening on all of their ships throughout the galaxy. Just don’t fight any more and you will be allowed to go home,” Luke says.

 

The young men and women look at each other and then they’re all nodding slightly. “Alright,” Luke breathes, “Alright.”

 

Ben says to Rey, “We need to heal this. I … I haven’t healed anyone in a long time. I don’t know how the Bond healed you before; I wasn’t thinking anything other than how I needed you whole and alive.”

 

He’s ready to try it anyway when Luke comes over to them and inhales sharply when he sees Rey’s injury. He comes closer to Rey and looks at her, asking permission with his eyes. Rey nods and Luke lifts his hands over her wound. Gentle blue light is covering her as Luke’s eyes close. Ben can _sense_ the Force pulsing and he feels Rey’s arm knitting back together. Soon, her skin is smooth and pink. Luke opens his eyes and drops his hands. Ben sees then that his uncle truly is a Jedi Master, not simply his odd, quiet uncle.

 

\---

 

The entrance to the bridge is sealed and Phasma is trying her access codes but getting nowhere. Clearly word of her defection has spread.

 

Luke grins and looks like the boy he once was. “I’ve always wanted to try this. Ben, help me.” Ben isn’t sure what he intends until his uncle takes out his saber and starts to cut into the thick metal. Ben ignites his saber and starts on the other side. Soon they’ve made a circle and step back. Chewie holds his bowcaster and with a triumphant howl, kicks in the melted metal. Blaster bolts are coming at them immediately and Rey and Ben freeze them before they can reach Chewie. They’re all through the doors and another volley is coming at them. Luke is deflecting and Chewie and Phasma are firing back.

 

Ben sees officers have taken defensive positions, hiding behind consoles and firing at will. He sees a flash of ginger hair and he yells out, “Hux!”

 

They’ve found cover behind a large bank of monitors, and Ben shouts, “Hux, you’ve lost the ship, surrender.”

 

“Kylo Ren, I hoped I would see you again!”

 

“You know you’ve lost, Snoke is dead. The First Order is finished.”

 

“I won’t let you take _my_ ship!” Ben almost laughs at Hux’s dig. He never had liked sharing the Finalizer with Kylo Ren.

 

“Hux, think, damn it. Do you want to die for nothing?”

 

“The First Order will rise again!”

 

“No, Hux, not this time.”

 

Ben sees an officer slinking along the edge of the bridge and reaches out with the Force, pulling him out into the open. Chewie shoots him in the leg and he goes down howling.

 

“It’s just you and your officers now. None of you are trained for combat, or at least it has been a very long time. Surrender,” Ben says.

 

“Never, Ren. You know me better than that.”

 

Ben is frustrated. He can sense how frightened the officers are. They don’t want to fight, but they don’t think they have any choice.

 

“We will not simply yield; we’ll fight to the last.” Hux turns to his crew and orders them to fire. They hesitate, as if to see who will win this contest of wills.

 

“I said fire!” Hux screams. A handful make half-hearted attempts while most remain still.

 

“Ben,” floats through the Bond.

 

“Yes?”

 

“They’re so afraid, they don’t want to die.”

 

“I know, I feel it. But if they don’t stand down we’re going to have to do this the hard way.”

 

“I have an idea. I want to try to use the Bond to put them to sleep.”

 

He pauses, thinking. They’ve been able to use the Bond to operate on the mind with great success, but is what she’s suggesting even possible?

 

“We’ll be vulnerable while we’re in the Bond.”

 

“I know, but the others will protect us,” Rey responds.

 

Ben quickly informs his uncle and then he and Rey are moving to a corner that’s well-defended. Luke and Chewie stand between them and the rest of the bridge. Hux is gathering the few officers still fighting and they’re firing at them. Luke is able to protect them easily.

 

Ben and Rey face each other and lace their fingers together.

 

“Ren, what are you doing?! Ren! Kylo Ren, you will not ignore me!” Hux screams.

 

Ben ignores him, they’re deep in the Bond within seconds.

 

Ben feels Rey’s intense power build and they’re reaching out, feeling the consciousness of the First Order personnel. Holding them all in their mind, they gently press against their awareness and one by one they all fall into a deep Force sleep.

 

Phasma moves quickly to a console and begins pulling data. Her face is intense and focused.

 

Rey moves over to where Hux has fallen. “So this is General Hux? The man responsible for the Hosnian System?”

 

“Yes, that’s Hux. He’s fanatical and loyal to a fault. I don’t like him, but he was my closest colleague for many years.”

 

“You know there’s nothing you can do for him; he’s going to have to be held accountable for his crimes.”

 

Ben thinks of his own actions and wonders if there’s any way for Hux to come back, to have a life. He finds he doesn’t like to think of the irritating man imprisoned or executed. He realizes he’s not sure what his mother thinks about such things? He knows the Hosnian System is too close to what happened to Alderaan, and that perhaps she’ll be out for blood. He hopes not.

 

Soon the bridge is filled with Resistance soldiers working quickly to secure the prisoners. Hux is rousing. Ben goes over to him.

 

“Hux, you’ve lost. We have control of the Finalizer. I don’t know what happens next.”

 

“Oh, don’t you? Haven’t you read your history? I will be executed.” Hux is sitting on the floor, his hands bound in front of him. He seems almost amused, distancing himself from the reality of his situation.

 

“You don’t know that.”

 

Hux scoffs. “They’d be fools to let the Generals live.”

 

“Perhaps. But I’ll see what I can do,” Ben says quietly.

 

“Why would you do that, _Kylo Ren_?” Hux says incredulously.

 

“It’s Ben Solo now, and because, while we’ve never been friends, we served together for a long time.”

 

“Why did you do it? Why did you betray us?” Hux sounds hurt.

 

“I didn’t betray you, Hux. I just went home.”

 

“I see that scavenger girl – you were working with her. You seem … close.” Hux sounds speculative.

 

“Yes, she was part of it.” Hux snorts at this.

 

“The First Order came undone because Kylo Ren fell in love?” Hux asks in disbelief.

 

“If that’s what you want to think. I prefer to think that the First Order was always wrong.”

 

“How is it wrong to want to see peace throughout the galaxy?” Hux asks.

 

“It wasn’t peace you were seeking. It was control.”

 

“One follows the other.”

 

“No, the First Order, you … you were trying to capture a river. People cannot be controlled for long. You … _we_ were always destined to fail. We’re going to find a better way, now.”

 

“Listen to you, falling for all that Resistance propaganda. I used to forget that General Organa is your mother, but that was clearly quite foolish of me.” Hux seems resigned to his fate.

 

“Well it’s lucky for you that she is. She’ll have more say than anyone on what happens next, and I will do what I can.”

 

Hux looks away then. He looks back, his piercing blue eyes staring into Ben’s. There is a long silence between them now, and Ben almost leaves Hux to his thoughts.

 

“Thank you,” he finally says. Ben is surprised but hopeful. If Hux’s pride has allowed gratitude, perhaps he can find a way to appeal to the erstwhile General.

 

Ben nods sharply and moves away.

 

He walks over the viewscreen, looking out on the stars, standing with his hands clasped behind his back as he had so many times before. He feels Rey come to stand beside him. She threads her arm through his and rests her head on his shoulder. They stand watching the stars for a long time.

 

\---

 

They’re coming down the ramp of the Falcon and he sees his mother waiting for them. She’s looking them all over, ensuring to herself that her family has returned to her unharmed. Luke walks to her first, taking her by the shoulders as they simply look at each other. Then Ben and Rey join them, followed by Chewie.

 

Soon they’re all embracing, a tangle of limbs and Chewie’s fur.

 

“I can’t believe it’s over,” Rey says as they step back from each other.

 

“Oh it’s far from over, but for now the worst of the fighting is done,” Leia reminds them. “We lost an entire battalion when we attempted to board the Terminus; General Jehan was able to destroy the ship with all hands. She won’t be the last fanatic, but we have control of the vast majority of the First Order. It’s only a matter of time, now.”

 

Leia turns to Ben and says, “You have faced your past and put it behind you. I am so proud of you, Son.”

 

“I’m not sure I would say I’ve put it behind me, but I think that may be possible, now.”

 

\---

 

He and Rey are walking in the forest, taking time away from the chaos of the celebrations. They’d come across an extremely drunk Finn and Poe, singing songs from the Old Republic. They’d promised to return and join them, but for now they need the peace of each other. Nothing feels as right as being alone, together.

 

They’re holding hands and energy is flowing between them; that feeling he’s only ever felt when touching her.

 

“You’re alright, after being on your old ship, facing your former allies?” Rey asks.

 

“Yes, yes, I’m alright. It was strange, but also fitting. It was something I needed to do.”

 

“I can understand that.”

 

He stops them and turns to face her. He reaches out with his free hand and cups her face. He pulls her to him and grazes her lips with his, just a whisper at first. Then he delves into her mouth, kissing her so deeply. The Bond is open and they’re feeling each other’s feelings. She’s full of hope and he’s full of gratitude. He pulls back and gazes into her sparkling hazel eyes and says, “Thank you. _Thank you_ for letting me in. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for seeing something in me that was _worthy_.”

 

“Oh Ben … we could only have ever been each other’s. I see that now. I’m sorry I fought so hard against this.”

 

“No, it was right that you did. I needed to learn … I needed to learn so many things.” She smiles and turns her cheek into his hand.

 

“I did, too.”

 

He needs her in his arms and he pulls her to him, then. He’s feeling all his love and devotion for her; he’s filled up with everything that’s happened, everything she’s given to him. He knows that she is his compass and his home.

 

“Promise me something. Promise me that you will always grow with me, learn with me?” Ben asks.

 

“Yes, Ben. Always.”

 

THE END

 

\---

Lovely art by pissbabysithlord (tumblr):

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well Meaghan M/Juulna, Empress Beta, we're just about done. Can you believe it? Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you do for me. You are an amazing human being and I thank my lucky stars for having met you. And thank you for the inspiration for having them attack Snoke through the Bond!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who has this husband thing down!
> 
> Thank you readers for so generously giving your time to read this story, for every kudo, for every comment, for all of it. Thank you.
> 
> A special thank you to Terapid, for reading chapter 42 in advance and calming me down.
> 
> And, because I like to end on a bang, I received more art for 'He Knows He Needs to Stop' from The Dark Becomes You. Please take a look, Ben is a pretty happy Space Cupcake in the second piece: http://perrydowning.tumblr.com/post/144197878847/art-inspired-by-he-knows.


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ben Solo Pain Train has reached its final destination and is being decommissioned. Space Cake (he's all grown up, now, see?) and his Space Bride share a piece of Lemon Wedding Cake and Space Cake remembers how he found himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come take a ride on the Kylo Ren Pain Train! The first chapter of 'Thwarted' is posted here on AO3 and will post Mondays and Thursdays from here on out!

He’s moving slowly within her, feeling her around him. His face is buried in her hair and he’s feeling her arms along his back. He pulls back slightly and looks into her eyes. The beautiful, clear eyes of his bride. His bride. He doesn’t need them as he once did, but tonight he must see her. The Bond flows between them constantly now. They’ve long since stopped blocking each other.

 

She reaches up and strokes along his face, her fingers leaving a trail of energy along his cheek. “Rey …” he moans as he thrusts into her. He feels the welcome weight of his ring and smiles as he again plunges deeply into her. He’s making love to his wife. Five years since he first saw her and now she’s his _wife_. The thought stirs him and he’s losing himself.

 

He knows that she’s been his for a long time now, but somehow this gives him such a sense of belonging. She has claimed him; accepted him. She has given him so much already, but this gift is beyond precious. She is his _family_ , now.

 

She’s rolling her hips against his, using a circular motion that always does something to him. She always feels so incredible. She still makes him almost painfully hard. He’s never grown used to what it’s like to be with her this way; it always makes him tremble and _need_.  He remembers how he had longed for her, once. How he never thought he would ever have anything but her sublime Light to comfort him. But now, now he has everything he’s ever wanted and he’s overwhelmed with the beauty of it all.

 

“Rey, my beautiful, darling wife.”

 

“Say that again,” she gasps.

 

“My wife.”

 

Through the Bond he feels her elation at being his, too. She never talks about it the way that he does, but he knows this means as much to her as it does to him.

 

She’s moaning, her face flushed and oh so open. Her lips are parted and she’s breathing quickly. He’s moving more urgently now, the languid pace of connection forgotten as passion builds.

 

“Tell me, tell me I’m yours,” Ben pleads.

 

“Yes, you’re mine, you’ll always be mine.”

 

“Yes …” he breathes as he tangles his hands in her hair, holding her perfect face on either side as he looks into her deeply.

 

She wraps her strong legs around him and he feels her heels dig into his back as she’s pulling him in deeper, urging him on. His bride, his bride, his bride. He feels her walls caress his length as they begin to contract rhythmically. She uses her arms and legs to encourage him to thrust into her as far as he can go, as if she’s trying to bring him within her. He thinks they’re so enmeshed now, in all ways.

 

Her breath is coming in quick pants now and her eyes are growing unfocused. He feels how her pleasure is building and he’s right there with her. He wants to be with her completely, in sync, tandem, together in all things.

 

He’s groaning, the exquisite tension forming within him. She’s calling out and they’re moving so quickly now. There, there it is. They’re both at the precipice, about to fall. Her eyes suddenly focus again and she shouts out, “Ben!” and they’re falling into each other, pulling their shared orgasm from their most deep and sacred places. He feels her undulate against him as he fills her and pushes into her one final time. They breathe heavily, together, sharing the awe of being one. He knows that they will never be parted.

 

He leans his forehead against hers and his breathing starts to calm. He doesn’t want to withdraw, but he wants to hold her close. He wants to hold his _wife_ close to him. He pulls from her and notices the little frown she always makes at his absence. He smiles and lays on his back, pulling her next to him, her head resting against his chest.

 

“Do you remember the first time?” Rey asks quietly.

 

“Of course I do – how could I possibly forget?”

 

“I think I knew, then, that I would always be yours.”

 

“You certainly didn’t share that with me.”

 

“No … I was frightened. You made me … make me feel so much.”

 

“I hope good things.”

 

“Mostly good things.” She smiles, and he smiles back.

 

“I just … I know that sometimes you feel like you were all alone in … wanting, needing … loving, at first. But you weren’t. I just couldn’t let myself acknowledge it. While you were at the base, those first months, I ached too.”

 

“I … thank you for telling me.” He knows it doesn’t really matter, but hearing it is wonderful.

 

Her pensive mood shifts. “Hey, Ben. We got _married_!”

 

“Yes we did.” She’s giggling now, and it races up and down his spine, like always. He’s long accepted that her laugh makes him helpless.

 

“You’re my husband!” She’s grinning like the wild thing she is.

 

“Yes, I am. I always will be.”

 

“I know, oh Ben, I know.”

 

“Say that I again, I want to hear you call me your husband again.”

 

“My husband.” He lets that fill him up and he tightens his arms around her.

                                            

“I will always treasure hearing those words from you.”

 

Her eyes are sleepy and he knows it has been a huge day. She’s starting to fade. He watches as sleep takes her. But his mind is too full and he lies there, remembering.

 

He remembers how she’d first told him she was ready; ready to accept his offer, his hope of marriage. He’d come home from a day of restructuring meetings, surprised still that he was becoming instrumental in rebuilding the galaxy. He was so grateful to be given the chance to create instead of to destroy.

 

She had been waiting, and she seemed tense. She had been blocking the Bond and he was instantly on alert. She had seemed wary, skittish. But then she had smiled and her face was so open.

 

She’d said, “Ben, you know that I love you.” Oh, how that had had him wary.

 

“Yes,” he’d said cautiously.

 

“You came into my life like a storm; you tore through everything and I was so confused. But then, you showed me, showed me who you are, who I could be … helped me see myself.”

 

“I never meant to be so destructive to your life.” He’d been so confused.

 

“No, Ben … that’s not what I’m trying to say … Force, you were so much _better_ at this.”

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

“I just … oh, here.” She’d thrust a small box into his hand and looked at the floor.

 

He’d opened it to find a man’s ring. It was beautiful, with strange swirls and made of a metal he couldn’t identify.

 

“Rey, what are you trying to say?”

 

“I’m … I’m ready. Will you marry me?” He’d been so shocked he’d just stood there with his mouth hanging open, looking, he’s sure now, quite stupid.

 

“I, yes, yes of course Rey, of course!” His brain had taken a moment to catch up but then he’d crushed her to his chest and he had just kept repeating ‘yes’.

 

He’d kissed her so deeply then, still feeling the box in his hand. He’d pulled back and looked at her nervous, loving face.

 

“Tell me about the ring,” he’d asked.

 

“I … I made it. I used a piece of the Falcon … I thought … your father.”

 

He’d welled up then; so many conflicting feelings had been swirling around inside of him. Remembering his father, what the Falcon had meant to him. That Rey had done this and thought so much about it. She’d obviously been planning it a long time.

 

He’d been quiet for quite some time before he’d said, “Rey … this is beautiful. You are beautiful. I love you so much more than I can ever begin to explain. I will be a good husband to you. I will never give you cause to regret this.”

 

“I know,” she’d said almost shyly.

 

That had been three years ago. Once she’d accepted him he’d found he hadn’t minded waiting … waiting until the galaxy was peaceful and prosperous.

 

He strokes her hair and listens to the soft sounds of her even breathing. He looks at the ring he’s worn since that day. She’d told him it was meant for the wedding but he’d insisted. He had wanted everyone to see that he was hers. His mother had helped him find Rey’s slim band. He reaches out and runs his finger lightly over her ring, feeling a slight hum of energy from touching her hand. He’s really here. This is his life. He’s fought so hard to come back to himself and now he his here.

 

He’s remembering his life before; before Rey changed everything. He thinks of how he’d wrapped himself in the Dark, hoping that that would be the way to himself. How very wrong he had been; how lost. He remembers Snoke and how he’d thrown himself at such unworthy feet. He allows himself to imagine, for a moment, what would have happened if he’d never met Rey. It is an awful concept, and he can’t quite believe that one day in the forest might have changed the entire galaxy. He hopes that Snoke’s downfall was inevitable, no matter if he’d found his balance or not.

 

He thinks on those first few months, when he’d lied to himself daily. The Bond had been so weak then, but it had still consumed him utterly – _Rey_ had consumed him utterly. He remembers how he would spend hours in his quarters, floating in her, basking in her incomprehensible _goodness_.

 

He thinks about Hux with sadness. They had worked so closely for so many years, and sometimes the only enjoyment he’d had while with the First Order had been verbally sparring with Hux. He _knew_ the man. He’d been able to save him from the gallows, but no more.  Hux had contributed to that significantly, refusing to work with the Resistance. He was now imprisoned with the rest of the First Order loyalists. He’d visited a few times, but Hux remained fanatical and Ben had stopped trying. It was difficult to turn his back on Hux. His own personal journey had compelled him to try and reach out to Hux, to help him see the way that he himself had seen … been _shown_. He’d hoped that some of his hard won wisdom might have helped the erstwhile General.

 

He remembers when Rey had helped him realize it was time to let it go. He’d just returned from another frustrating, fruitless visit.

 

“Ben … maybe it’s time to stop visiting him.”

 

“But … he’s not a bad man. He just can’t seem to see his way past his vision for the galaxy, even though it’s been proven the wrong path. Twice now.”

 

“I know. I know he’s not evil, not like Snoke. In a way he wants the same thing we do.”

 

“Exactly. You never turned your back on me, how can I just let it go?” he had asked.

 

“You always remember that time oddly. I didn’t show up at your door and demand you come into the Light. I didn’t do that. It was you; you who made that choice. Hux doesn’t want to change. _You_ did,” she had said.

 

“But … you saved me.” He had sounded almost confused.

 

“Ben … oh Ben. No, you saved yourself. I hope you’ll see that one day.” She still says that, and he still doesn’t agree.

 

She had continued, “You cannot force Hux to change because he has no wish to change. He’s chosen this path and you’ve done everything you can do. I think you need to stop; it only hurts you,” she had said kindly. She’d come to him then, putting her arms around him. He’d felt her love and her concern and he’d let himself consider her words.

 

“Perhaps you are right,” he’d conceded.

 

“I generally am,” she’d teased. Mostly.

 

And so he had stopped visiting. He still checks on him through various channels, ensuring that Hux continues to be alright, but he has not seen him in a long time.

 

The galaxy is growing, finally finding the balance that had eluded generations of leaders. The new seat of power no longer exists in a particular system, but on a fleet of ships. It is simply called the Coalition and it is much less powerful than the Republics of old. Planets join if they wish and remain independent as they will. Resources are offered to planets still recovering from the First Order, but fealty is not required. The Coalition keeps space safe and certain activities are not tolerated. The slave trade is of particular concern at present. But so long as no one system attempts to dominate another, the Coalition does not dictate.

 

Phasma had succeeded beyond anyone’s wildest expectations. She had led a huge team in reconnecting the Stormtroopers to their families. It had been an almost incomprehensible project, with hundreds of thousands of displaced men and women needing new purpose and direction. But she was as efficient and dedicated as ever and she had done more than almost anyone to heal the rifts between factions. It had become quite clear to Ben that Phasma loved her troopers and that devotion never wavered. Most of the Coalition’s forces are now made up of former Stormtroopers; individuals who had nowhere else to go or had simply believed strongly in the new vision.

 

Luke has rebuilt his academy and has shed the title of Jedi. They simply call themselves Force-users. They had used the Bond to identify potential pupils and all had been invited to come to learn, or simply to be a part of the community. Rey is heavily involved, but he keeps away. It would be too much for his uncle … and himself, if he’s honest. Rey’s trips to the New Academy are always hard for him. But she’s always with him through the Bond and he’s learned to cope.

 

His mother … she has surprised him most of all. He had assumed that she would be deeply involved in the government. But once the last remnants of the First Order had been rooted out, Leia had withdrawn from public life. After months of living on starships, moving throughout the galaxy, working to fix the broken systems, she had come with them when they had settled on D’Qar. Now she lives close by and has a quiet life, punctuated by asking increasingly frequent questions about grandchildren. She usually goes with Rey to the New Academy, unwilling to lose contact with her brother again.

 

He’d asked her once, why she had left her life’s work. She’d smiled sadly and said, “My life’s work was you, Ben. I just didn’t see it until it was almost too late.”

 

He looks around their bedroom and smiles at the large jar by the bed, almost full of small pebbles. It’s nearly time for another and he wonders how many there will be, one day.

 

Rey mumbles in her sleep and shifts slightly. He’s remembering how she looked today, when he’d first seen her in her wedding dress. Seeing her in her simple, flowing white gown … seeing his bride for the first time, it had been everything he could do to keep himself from running to her and pulling her to him. But he’d stood firm, waiting at the dais, flanked by Finn and Poe. Watching her walk to him, he’d felt so many things, been flooded with so many memories. His eyes had stung with tears to know that she was going to finally, finally truly be his. They were sealing their lives together in the most permanent of ways and he had been filled with the most perfect joy. All his dreams were coming true.

 

When he’d kissed her for the first time as her husband, it was as if something within him had shifted, settled. The small voice in his head that whispered that he would lose her was finally silenced and he’d wanted to stand there kissing her forever. Eventually he’d heard his mother clear her throat and he’d pulled back. He’d looked into Rey’s infinite, complex, adoring eyes and he’d known that he’d held nothing back. He was hers and she was his, and nothing could change that now.

 

He feels that moment again; how the ever-present doubt that had followed him since he was a boy had finally quieted. Rey has chosen him. In front of all of their friends and family, she has claimed him as her own. He had been so fractured before she came into his life, and now he is whole. He marvels at the changes that have been wrought in him. He no longer feels lost, weak, alone. He is strong, he is found, he is complete.

 

He leans over, softly kisses her forehead and whispers, “I love you, Rey.”

 

He settles down to sleep, pulling her closer to him. He closes his eyes with his arms around his darling wife and _drifts_.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh golly Meaghan M/Juulna (Best Beta in the Beta Biz) we did it! All done! Finis! Thank you so much my wonderful friend.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing ... I don't know how to express what your constancy means to me.
> 
> Readers, wonderful, beautiful, fantastic readers. You are all so amazing and I treasure you all, truly. Every hit, kudo, and comment has meant something to me. A special thank you to my commenters, getting to know you in the comment section and tumblr has brought a whole new dimension to this process and I simply cannot imagine 'He Knows' without your splendid feedback and support.
> 
> New art! Thank you Hormonal Trashbag for this amazing piece: http://perrydowning.tumblr.com/post/144273506907/pissbabysithlord-promise-me-something
> 
> And, Ben and Rey's Space Wedding Cake:   
> http://perrydowning.tumblr.com/post/144299749177/ben-and-reys-space-wedding-cake
> 
> If you're interested in my new fic, 'Thwarted', it can be found here on AO3 here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6831736/chapters/15593596
> 
> The summary:
> 
> He stands over Snoke’s dead body, toeing it with his boot.
> 
> “You never should have stood between us.”
> 
> \---
> 
> It has been nine months since Starkiller and Kylo Ren has become something more. The Light still pulls at him from time to time but after the price he has paid, he has been relentless in his pursuit of the Dark. And then when Snoke had dared stand in his way, tried to take Rey from him … new power had been born that day. Black and deep. The endless abyss that is Kylo Ren in love.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feedback is much appreciated. This is nerve wracking!


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